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Dad N Despair

Yesterday marks the worst day of my life,,,,so far...

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Dad N Despair

I have been living with this disease for over 10 years. I contracted it right before I met my wife, and told her that I had genital herpes before we got engaged. She stuck with me and we were careful not to spread it to her. I was on suppressive therapy, and stayed away from her during outbreaks. I got to where I only had an episode about once a year, and had gone almost two years when I broke out at the worst possible time. We had just been together the night before, and we had our guard down. After keeping her clean for almost seven years, she finally got this curse from me. Hers is orally, which is even worse for since she has to deal with people every day. I wept for days when she got her first outbreak, and wanted to die. She’s had it for at least two years now, and has had about three or four cold sores since being infected. Each time she has one, I can tell she has anger towards me. She won’t say it, but I can tell in the way she treats me, and I don’t blame her.

Here’s the worst part. We have two beautiful daughters, 4 and 2 years old. We are very careful around them, and try our best to protect them. My wife is currently dealing with a fever blister, and yesterday we found my wife’s Chap Stick in my oldest daughter’s bathroom. At first she denied using it, but later she confessed to me that she used it. I know she probably contracted this horrible virus, and it's just a matter of time before her sister gets it. I always get really depressed when my wife breaks out because I know it’s a horrible and embarrassing pain that she has to go through because of me. Now to know that my daughters will have to go through the same thing is almost unbearable. I’m the husband, and father, and am supposed to protect them. Instead I’ve hurt them in a way that they will live with for the rest of their lives. I’ve never hated myself more, and I don’t know how I'll handle their first outbreak. I know that they are all going to have some resentment towards me just like their mom does when they realize how they became diseased. The only thing I can offer them now is support, but I can’t help but think how much better their lives and my wife’s life would be had it not been for me and my horrible disease. I love my family dearly, and can’t imagine my life without them, but I wish my wife would have never met me. I feel like I should have done the honorable thing and left her, or made her leave me. I shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who wasn’t already infected, but I actually thought I was smart enough and strong enough to protect them.

Sorry this is so long. I’m not looking for answers, because I know there are none. I just needed to let someone know what I’m going through. It’s miserable, and I’m in the darkest place I’ve ever been. I keep looking at their beautiful smiling faces in the pictures I have all around me at my desk. Then I imagine those smiles with blisters, and pain in their eyes. I deserve the pain, and embarrassment! Not my beautiful wife and helpless babies. :madd::madd::madd:

I better stop typing now. Thanks for reading, and hope your outcomes are better than mine.

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JBnATL

WTF? Why is it honorable to leave someone over a simple virus? One she probably already had? Has she ever had mono or chicken pox? If so she had herpes. 80% of adults have it in one form or another.

You are giving this virus too much control over your life. If your wife did get it from you via oral sex she probably has HSV2 oral. HSV2 does not like to be oral and she won't have as many problems with it as if she had HSV1 oral. The good news is the longer she has it the less it will be a problem for her. And if she has anger issues with it towards you then that is her problem. You informed her of the risk and she accepted you and them. She has her self to blame. You both are giving too much importance to something that is so worthless.

You really need to educate yourself more about this virus. You will learn the ONLY way you can spread it is from skin to skin contact. You can't get it from lip balm. The virus dies almost instantly when it leaves the body.

You should start your education by reading this article on the difference between 1 & 2. www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html

Then continue reading the other articles on this site and you will see how foolish your concerns are.

Come to the "Chat Room" and you will meet many nice fellow Herpsters who have had it a while and to them it is no big deal.

Good luck!

JB

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Dad N Despair

Thanks JB. I didn't know that you can only spread from skin to skin. I talked to my daughters nurse this morning, and explained how she had used the lip balm, and she said there's a good chance that she got the virus and there was nothing I could do now. She just told me to call them WHEN she breaks out, and the doctor might prescribe something for her. That's when I felt so hopeless. Obviously you're right that I need to educate myself more, but with better resources.

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happy1992
Thanks JB. I didn't know that you can only spread from skin to skin. I talked to my daughters nurse this morning, and explained how she had used the lip balm, and she said there's a good chance that she got the virus and there was nothing I could do now. She just told me to call them WHEN she breaks out, and the doctor might prescribe something for her. That's when I felt so hopeless. Obviously you're right that I need to educate myself more, but with better resources.

Based on what I've read the virus can only live on living organisms. Once it leaves the body and touches the air it wouldn't be able to survive. Though it is suggested that you do not share utenciles and stuff like that because the virus can still live for a while in saliva or mucous. Though, stay possitive and I'm almost sure that your daughter is fine :)

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zzz14

more than likely she did not contract the virus from lip balm, that is the same as people worrying about catching it from a toilet seat.

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basham1202

Dear Dad in Despair,

I am terribly sorry that you have to worry about transmitting this disease to your daughters. I know what it is like to question giving this to someone you love or deal with. I lived with my in-laws for a few months last summer. As humiliating as it is to walk into a room of people you don't know well and say, " I have herpes, I will keep my shower belongings put up but you MUST not use anything I shower with. You could end up with an STD that you cannot get rid of." My 13 year old sister in law needed a razor and stole it from my bath items along with my scrubby. About 2 weeks later she had a terrible outbreak. At 13 she is met with this disease, I feel horrible. The only thing I was able to keep my strength up was that there are suppression therapies and supposedly that there is a vaccine going into phase 2 of trials and hopefully will be on the market by 2014/15. I have two young boys myself 4 and 6 who I fear may one day pick it up.

My husband and I are always careful in our practices but I fear that we have hit something we didn't want to. I am being tested to see if my HSV-2 has spread to a cold sore situation. At this point I look at it. This is a nuisance of a disease, thanks to modern medicine we can control the pain of the outbreaks but this will not kill us or turn our brains to mush.

Life is too short to be miserable, I understand your wife still being upset about contracting this speed bump in your life. She fell in love with you and was able to see around your disease. Now if your daughter/s have contracted it, I'm terribly sorry but there is hope on the way and there are also things to control their outbreaks even at a young age. Education is the biggest thing that will be part of their lives until a cure is found.

Best of luck, keep your chin up and love like today is your last,

B~

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NoKingAmI

So I am dating the most amazing man in the world. But he is Negative for herpes, and I am positive for type 2 both orally and genitally. I couldnt believe he still wanted to be with me when i told him I had this disease. And so we started dating and I moved back up north to be closer to him. We didn't have sex right away. Not because of him, but because of me. I was scared out of my mind to give this disease to him.

We have since moved on, and we have a very active sex life. Now I do find myself feeling guilty quite often, scared that I will pass this on to him just like you were and are scared.. But you cant live like that. Your wife knew the risk she was taking and she accepted it. Your daughters are fine im sure, like every one else said just be careful. Im sure your wife loves you very much, and if she seems upset at you while she is having an outbreak im sure it is more her own insecurities then her feeling hate or anger towards you. This virus after all plays with our heads, and makes us feel like less then we really are.

Talk to your wife Im sure that will help both of you.

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Movingslowly

I want to tell everyone that my microbiology teacher, yes a professor and expert said, "the HSV1 and 2 can live outside the body for several years". Thats why he never understood how its quoted by several scholars, "you can get herpes from a toilet seat". Appears to be a dilemma for the experts.

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heartbrokengal

I just wanted to say that as a parent and as a wife, I can relate to how upset you are about passing the virus on to your spouse and how worried you are about passing it on to your children. I can understand why the moderator said the things he said (saying that the virus is "no big deal" and that "you are giving too much importance to something that is so worthless"), because I think he was trying to address how despondent you've been feeling and because he probably was trying to make you feel better. But when I read those things I thought it might have also had the unintended effect of invalidating or minimizing your feelings. I think that having herpes is a big deal for many people, whether it is dealing with the physical pain or discomfort associated with outbreaks, the stigma they internalize when lesions are visible to others, the hollowness they feel when they have to avoid the foods they used to enjoy, the fear of passing it on to a loved one, the annoyance of changing daily habits so as to not auto-innoculate other body parts, etc. Additionally, I think that there is a big difference between aquiring mono or chickenpox vs. getting hsv1 or hsv2. So I just wanted to validate, that I think your feelings and fears are normal and not unreasonable. I share the same feelings and fears. I too worry that I may give hsv to my husband or son. And I also cry sometimes when I look at them or their pictures and imagine their beautiful faces with coldsores or worse. It sucks and hopefully someday there will be a cure. Until then, I hope that you can just try to stay focused on the fact that you have a wonderful family and spend as little time as possible dwelling on regrets or what if's because your kids are going to grow up before you know it--enjoy this time as much as you can. I also want to encourage you to go a little bit easier on yourself. It sounds like you did (and continue to do) the best that you could with a sucky situation. Hang in there.

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