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Speechless but so many words

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I think about how and when I contracted this virus. Obviously, it was with a person who is asymptomatic. My fiance could have possibly gave me this virus, but if so he is asymptomatic to the virus because he has never had an outbreak. It doesn't seem to bother him, but everyday I feel like if it wasn't him who gave me the virus then he deserves to be with someone who is free of this virus. I feel like I don't deserve anyone. It literally has destroyed my life. Then other days I think about all the successful researches that are in the making the drastically lower the transmission risks/suppress the virus, and I feel better. Like, there is hope for us who are infected. I'm the type of person who has poured my heart and soul in every relationship I've ever been in. I treat my friends like family. I'm a dedicated employee to my job. I'm educated and working on my masters. Soon to marry (with a sense of worthlessness within myself). I've never been the type of person to sleep around. I've only had a few partners and used protection with each of them besides three because of long-term commitment. I honestly have never met someone as caring as myself. Then some how this comes along and destroys my confidence and desire to achieve anything in life. Then once again I keep relying on research to make my life easier. I believe there will one day be a permanent suppression therapy, but I don't wanna live taking a pill everyday. Like, I need the reminder I have H. I've been to hell and back and I have the stories to prove it, but damn what did I ever do to deserve something like this??? I feel for those who are single trying to find love. It just kills me that having H makes people stray away from you, but if you have cancer you could find love easily. Theres no real stigma with having cancer, but Lord forbid if you have H. Somedays are better than others, but I still pray to God that research can lead to suppression of the virus. Something so little, but weighs more than elephant. Not a single day or night goes by without me thinking about how I'm infected with H. Once again maybe the future holds a cure/suppression.

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Bright Side

I'm the same way. I've been in serious relationships only. Never had random sex and have poured my heart and soul into every relationship. I even have my Master's :) If there were a pill I could take everyday and not give this to a partner I would be content.

You should have your fiancee get tested then you'll know if you guys should be taking precautions or not.

It's very hard trying to understand why people like us have this and seemingly people who have lots of casual sex don't have it. It's very unfair and pretty infuriating. I am pretty obsessed with this...especially because I am single.

Just be grateful you have a fiancee that loves you in spite of this!!! Hang on to that and distract yourself with other things, you're lucky that you have him!!!

Feel better...talking to people helps me so shoot me a message if you like.

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I didn't have my first outbreak until about a month or so after not using protection with my fiance. It was all so strange. I still can't pinpoint it on him because we know this virus presents itself differently within each individual. We haven't used protection in so long, that it would be difficult for us to start now. I take anti-virals, but it's not that effective to be honest. I'm praying that one of these therapeutic vaccines come to market in the next few years. Especially, Genocea because they are working on a therapeutic vaccine and a preventative vaccine. Who knows what the results will reveal although the therapeutic vaccine is in the early stages of human clinical trials. If my fiance and I ever split-up I would never date another person again. No matter how much you try to prevent someone from contracting this virus, there is still the risk of giving it to someone else. I would never put someone in a situation like that. I know if I was H free, I would never date someone who has H knowing he has it. I'm highly educated about STI's and it kills me to think of how and when I contracted this virus.

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