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wellthissucks

not ready to give up being young and single

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wellthissucks

This may come off as shallow or immature or whatever, and yes maybe herpes is a pretty clear sign that it's time to settle down, but i'm 22 just out of college and just moved to nyc so i'm not exactly ready to give up on having the fun, wild times that I feel should still be in front of me.

I'm not saying that before this I was with a different girl every night or that I even need that in my life but it would be nice to go out and feel like the possibility was out there without constantly thinking about this dark passenger (Dexter reference) constantly lurking and waiting to ruin any potential fun (or even real genuine connection with someone).

SO my very long winded point or question is has anyone here honestly met someone on a random night out that they have eventually gone home with and then told (or gone home with after telling) and it hasn't completely scared the other person off?

Again some here may say that I'm looking for the wrong thing, but I don't necessarily feel that way, I was with a girl this weekend (not a perfect stranger but hadn't seen her in a while) and we really hit it off but when the subject of going back to her place came up I had to awkwardly decline which i'm sure made her feel badly about herself and probably did not leave her very eager to see me again. I sent her a very nice text saying I would love to see her again, which is funny because I would love to but will probably avoid it for fear of it going really well and having to tell her!

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Stillhavemycats

Wellthissucks, I understand where you are coming from. I am not as young as you, but I am at a new phase in my life and settling down in a long term relationship is not what I am after right now. And that is perfectly okay.

So in answer to your question, yes, I have had the experience of telling someone and having them be okay with it. I only got this a little over 3 weeks ago so I don't have a ton of experience with it yet. But I do have some.

First, I have told the three guys that are my semi-regular f'buddies. One of them is the person that I assume I got it from. All three have actually been okay with it, and none of them plan on crossing me off the f'buddy list. Then secondly I had a hook-up with a friend of a friend who was the first person that I fooled around with after my first outbreak. I didn't really plan on having sex with him... but we were fooling around and I kept telling him I would do anything but action below the waste on me. He kept asking why, so I told him. Said "ya know how some people get cold sores from oral herpes... well, I just got that but not on my mouth. I got it from oral sex with someone that had it." (I have hsv1 genitally, but you can use the same version for HSV2 too) . His reply "oh, so that's why? So now that we got that uncomfortable talk out of the way do you want to?" He was actually more freaked out by the idea that he may have passed his HSV1 to someone else, because he didn't know that you could pass it on that way.

I just think honesty is the best policy. Don't rule out a potential good time or even a potential long term relationship because of your fear of disclosure. I have found in life it is all about how you "sell" it to people. Give them the facts with confidence and they will buy into it.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Hey there, I know what you're saying and you shouldn't settle down until you meet the right one. Continue to go out and enjoy the company of your friends. You don't necessarily have to go home with someone, but if you are the type to tell (which is great and brave) make sure you know their character and their reaction will be more in your favor. This will probably eliminate the possibility of a one night stand though :) I read that as many as 25% of New Yorkers have genital herpes. You should check out this link. It gave me a positive perspective. It lays out the facts and probabilities in your favor:

http://www.hsvblog.org/herpes-simplex-virus-hsv-101/

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wastedhousewife

I will never, ever again refer to herpes as anything but the "dark passenger' That is awesome :) And I hope it means you're having a little sense of humor about this, and not treating it like the end of your life.

You can still have fun! Just take antivirals and use condoms - being upfront with people and letting them know you are responsible about the condition will help a lot. Herpes is so common, if someone you hook up with does not have personal experience with it, I guarantee they know someone who does. That said, I do feel for you because I think having a casual sex life with herpes would be more difficult for a guy. I hope I'm wrong and that you have tons of successfully naughty experiences.

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eastcoastwest

This is by far the biggest issue that im dealing with as well. Since finding out 2 weeks ago sex has been the last thing on my mind (probably for the first time years).. I have tried picturing what i would do in a situation where i end up clicking with a girl on a night out, and I think i would handle it the same way you did.. i graduate in a month, this was really a great way to kick it off (sarcasm)...

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giu9321

My number one concern as a guy as well. Eager to hear what others have to say. At 23 I'm definitely not ready to just kiss the good times goodbye.

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In search of 88

Ive personally have been studying and reading up on body language to test a girl im thinking about having ANY type of relations with. Body language and open ended question play a big part in deciding whether you want to take a chance with the girl in question. Im 23 and I LOVE shagging. I always used protection and still wound up with ghsv1 which isnt so bad in reality. Some people just freak out because they're either ignorant of it or scared - or both lol. But yeah- learning about body language (imo) helps.

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DoingMyBest

Im a 25yr old female and this was my main fear and what led me back to my ex ( I thought he'd be the only one to take mr back and still love me. Which is true, he does still love me, but its not gonna last (sad to say I know, but itd true.) Anyways, honesty is the best policy and like the other girl said, its all how you "sell" it to people. I lile to tell people to do some research before passing judgemnt, and they usually get back to me with more curiosity of how it all works, rather than writing me off completely or passing judgement.

There are mamy good times ahead for us all...sooo many people allrwady have ghsv and dont even know it, its just a matter of time for their first OB. Antivirals or all naturals and condoms are your best friends!!!!

Good luck friend!!! :)

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Strawberry23

I'm a 23 year old female and I was diagnosed about a month ago, got it from someone I was dating that carried it asymptomatically and did not know. I just moved to DC and I have exactly the same concerns! I still feel excited about being young and single, and now...I know it won't be quite as carefree. (which is the issue--correct? sex is not risk free) I do have hope that I'll be able to have sex outside of serious relationships if I approach the disclosure well. The above posts are encouraging!

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deevine444

Herpes as something Higher

Hey Wellthissucks and everyone else,

I'm twenty two and found out at the end of September that I have genital HSV 1, and as everyone else can relate, it was news that I did not want to hear. I was upset for a little while, playing the victim role I guess, and judged the virus from the ignorant views I acquired of it over the course of my life. Around the time that I found out I had the virus, the last thing I wanted to think about was having sex, but now that it has been a few months and I've learned to view the virus from a higher perspective, I understand completely what you're going through. I've had two situations similar to yours so far, where I've had a great night with a guy and at the end of the night lied about having my period, or some other excuse because I didn't want to tell him. And it's that limited feeling that has been bothering me lately, and makes me feel angry for having this. But what I always find myself thinking after I get upset or feel pity for myself, is that there is a reason that this came into my life. I know not everyone believes that everything happens for a reason, but when I think of many other events that have occurred in my life so far, I feel like everything fell into the right place at the right time, regardless if it was a negative situation or a positive one.

Herpes, like anything else, is all about perspective. How you choose to view the virus, and yourself for having the virus will affect how you live your life dealing with it. I look at my sexual history before herpes and I see a girl who tended to have sex as a way to deal with her insecurities or ideas of her own self worth. I actually at times never fully enjoyed it and often just wanted it to be over because it didn't feel good for me. This got me to thinking that having herpes kind of offers me an opportunity to get to know myself and what I really want. Now that I have this virus I am forced to really think about who and what I want to let into my body, and although I haven't had many sexual partners in my life, I never really looked at sex in that way before. In many ways having herpes opened my eyes to sides of myself I didn't know I was hiding. For one, it made me realize how judgmental I was of herpes, (or any other virus/STD for that matter) until I actually had it. It has made me view my body as something more than just a tool to feel physical pleasure with, with any given person, and allows me to see how much more meaningful sex could be when actually given thought and consideration into who you're sharing your body with. It has also brought up issues I've had with myself that I never really knew existed before, because nothing ever happened for those issues to present themselves. So even though it has only been a few months that I've had it, I've grown wiser about myself from it.

I'm sorry to kind of go on a rant about this, but when I was first diagnosed I would have liked to read a post with a positive message about the virus that I wrote about in this one. So to go back to your original post "wellthissucks", I guess what I wanted to say is that everything in your life is how you look at it; how you view something is what creates your experiences. We're around the same age so I know the feeling of wanting to go out and party and not have a conversation about herpes before having sexual contact with someone. But just realize that the opportunities you had before herpes, you still have now, it's just now you have a better mindset of being safer with sex than thinking that nothing will ever happen to you. I hope this helps a little, I guess I had a lot to say. Good luck with that girl, and I'm sure when the time is right and you feel comfortable enough to tell her, you'll be surprised at her reaction and will confidently move forward in future relationships :)

By the way, a great website for viewing herpes as an opportunity is:

http://herpeslife.com/

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Lizi

I checked out the website from previous post...all I can say is wow...it really resonates with me...thank-you for posting deevine444 :)

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