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Dazzlingeyes

Single Forever?

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Dazzlingeyes

I'm at work and I get a call from the doctor telling me the positive results. I was fine. I was calm, I must have been in shock because I went about my day as normal like she told me I ad the flu or something. I went home was fine. Laid in my bed that night and BAM! Everything hit me all at once. One of my first thoughts....putting myself on dating/sex punishment. I'll be single forever. Just to think I'd have to share this info with someone if I became involved with them is enough to resign myself to be a "cat lady". Has anyone started dating and having a normal sex life since this happened? I just can't see myself doing it.

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RealisticGal

The way you are feeling is totally normal --- for now.

This is the way most folks react to a new diagnosis of HSV. In fact, there is a book published by the American Social Health Association called "Managing Herpes: Living & Loving with HSV." In that book, it states that almost everyone who gets a diagnosis of HSV gives up sexual activity --

-- at least for a while. However, most do get back to being active once they come to terms with the diagnosis and learn how to manage the virus.

I read your story about getting diagnosed during your annual exam. I have some questions for you. How did that come about? Did you ask to be tested? Did the doctor suggest it? Was there any reason you suspected you should be tested? Had you ever had a herpes simplex test before? What type of HSV do you have --- HSV1 or HSV2?

Back to how you are feeling. As I said, it is normal to feel that way right now. But it is not necessary to isolate yourself because you have a virus that roughly 80% of the population shares. If you educate yourself about HSV, you will learn that this is the case. Knowledge is power! I suggest reading the links on the right side of this page. They are full of very good, balanced information. >>>>>>>>>>

:wavey:

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Dazzlingeyes

Thank you...I am slowly reading through as much info as possible...definitely working on it...The reason for the test: When I get annuals I ALWAYS tell them to check for EVERYTHING. So yes, I've been tested before. Always came back negative. This time though, a month or two before my annual I had a "problem" visit. There was a lil itching down below. No sores, no bumps, no discharge. But I did have a lot of frequent urinating. That was on and off but I also have bladder issues anyway so I thought nothing of that. They tested me for gonorrhea and chlamydia, both came back negative. They gave me meds for a bacteria infection. In a month or two I'm at my annual and I told the gyn I was still a lil itchy. She asked about any cold sores or anything that looked like an outbreak...I told her no...but she tested for that informing me that many people have it and don't know it and I probably did too. Surprise surprise I do. Maybe down the line once it all sinks in and I come to terms with it I'll feel differently but as of now I can't see myself having a sexual relationship. I can't see myself telling anyone I have herpes and I wouldn't intentionally risk infecting someone without them knowing. I'll worry about that down the road.

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pink21b

Yes I've been with someone that didnt care I had H and we had sex but just made sure we used a condom. I take meds everyday so its harder for him to get, also I made sure I didnt have an outbreak. I know its hard to date and tell someone but just take your time and when you think this person is for you tell and it they care then they wont care...

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TheBestMe

I just jointed this site today and I am just amazed at how many people share the same feelings and similar stories as me. I was also at work when I received the phone call, but I never had any symptoms--no itching..no sores...no nothing. I went to the doctor just to be sure of my status...and hello!! i have herpes. Like you, I took it as if she told me that I had a cold or something. Then, when I got in the bed later that night, I absolutely lost it. I feel alone a lot of the time because this situation CONSUMES my mind. All i can think about is how I am being treated by the person that I was with for the past six months (He tested negative)...and how my sex life and relationship life will be so different. Some days I am completely optomistic. Then on other days...I am just as sad as they come.

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Dazzlingeyes

I haven't reached the optimistic days quite yet but it def hasn't been as hard since I joined this group a few days ago. It helps to have a support system and people to talk to. Hopefully things will get back (as close) to normal as possible for us. Anyone ever needs to talk, feel free to message me. We can help each other. I'm determined to at least make it out this funk really soon. People around me are noticing the change in my behavior.

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RealisticGal
Maybe down the line once it all sinks in and I come to terms with it I'll feel differently but as of now I can't see myself having a sexual relationship. I can't see myself telling anyone I have herpes and I wouldn't intentionally risk infecting someone without them knowing. I'll worry about that down the road.

Give yourself time...as much as it takes. There is no reason to try to rush the process. This thing is new and it will take as long as it takes for you to wrap your head around it and figure out how to manage it.

For what it is worth, I'm apparently the first person my fella decided to "inform" after he got HSV. He'd had it for about 5 years when he told me. I am not recommending you take that long to get back in the swing of things. I'm just trying to say, there is no need to feel pressure.

:wavey:

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inky

Hi, I am in a similar position. I've been married for 14 years to a man who loves me. The problem is I fell out of love with him around five years ago. He knows how I feel and accepted that, although we still have to share the same house we are effectively separated. We get on, don't argue but for me there is no chemistry at all and we have not had sex in over four years. It took me a while to admit to myself that we couldn't carry on like this. It took me even longer to start telling friends and family. Telling friends seemed to help a lot. I really wanted to move on and find another relationship as I felt that even though we had been living in the same house we were not in a relationship for a long time. I needed to feel close to someone again. One of my friends told me that I needed to start living again, take my life off hold and move on. She said that I am a good woman going to waste...and I kind of agree. I don't want to be big headed but I am an attractive person and have always taken care of myself. I felt it was time to start dating again and put some fun in my life. Anyway after a few months of being "out there" again, and after a few offers of dates and sex all of which I turned down, I met a man who I seemed to click with. We had so much in common, and the attraction and chemistry was there. We went out a few times and naturally got intimate. I had and still do have feelings for him and he knows this. Anyway...the last time we were intimate I noticed some pain and itching about three days later. I went off to the doctors thinking I was having an allergic reaction to my medication, but after telling her my situation she checked me for all the usual nasty stuff just to be sure. She reassured me that it was probably nothing to worry about. So, imagine my horror when the phone rang and I got the news that I had just tested positive for H....also on the 31st. I was devastated and still am. I rang him a little later and told him what had happened. He was really shocked and said he needed to go and look it up on the internet. He said it looked "minging"...I will never forget that. I am pretty convinced that I got it from him but he seems to think that there is no way he gave me this. From my point of view it is a bit of a coincidence that I got it after sleeping with him and after being sexless and with the same partner for many years before (although I know it is possible I had it first). So he has an appointment with his doc next week. In the mean time he has completely withdrawn from me, so I am facing this alone. I told him that if he needed to talk then I am here as a friend for him...I told him that I really hope he will be okay and that I'm sorry for the whole situation. It just feels so awkward. I cannot tell my family or friends, but my family have noticed that I'm "not myself".

So I am left feeling awful and very alone. I thought that he could be a potential relationship. Now I have H and no possibility of a relationship with him...so a double blow. Can anyone tell me... is it usual to develop H within a certain time frame or are there a high percentage of people who develop it later. I would be very interested in the stats. I have read that it is "usual" to get your first OB within days...but how usual? Maybe it is just a coincidence that I slept with him and wham...H arrives.

Anyway, I feel stronger since being here. The people know so much and have been great at giving me tips on how to cope with pain. In reading this thread I know that I am not the only one and I don't feel quite so alone.

Take care. xxx

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RealisticGal
I met a man who I seemed to click with. We had so much in common, and the attraction and chemistry was there. We went out a few times and naturally got intimate. I had and still do have feelings for him and he knows this. Anyway...the last time we were intimate I noticed some pain and itching about three days later. I went off to the doctors thinking I was having an allergic reaction to my medication, but after telling her my situation she checked me for all the usual nasty stuff just to be sure. She reassured me that it was probably nothing to worry about. So, imagine my horror when the phone rang and I got the news that I had just tested positive for H....also on the 31st. I was devastated and still am. I rang him a little later and told him what had happened. He was really shocked and said he needed to go and look it up on the internet. He said it looked "minging"...I will never forget that. I am pretty convinced that I got it from him but he seems to think that there is no way he gave me this. From my point of view it is a bit of a coincidence that I got it after sleeping with him and after being sexless and with the same partner for many years before (although I know it is possible I had it first). So he has an appointment with his doc next week. In the mean time he has completely withdrawn from me, so I am facing this alone. I told him that if he needed to talk then I am here as a friend for him...I told him that I really hope he will be okay and that I'm sorry for the whole situation. It just feels so awkward. I cannot tell my family or friends, but my family have noticed that I'm "not myself".

So I am left feeling awful and very alone. I thought that he could be a potential relationship. Now I have H and no possibility of a relationship with him...so a double blow. Can anyone tell me... is it usual to develop H within a certain time frame or are there a high percentage of people who develop it later. I would be very interested in the stats. I have read that it is "usual" to get your first OB within days...but how usual? Maybe it is just a coincidence that I slept with him and wham...H arrives.

Anyway, I feel stronger since being here. The people know so much and have been great at giving me tips on how to cope with pain. In reading this thread I know that I am not the only one and I don't feel quite so alone.

Take care. xxx

I have no idea what "minging" means, but I don't think it is any coincidence that you got symptoms soon after intimacy with this guy. It is estimated that about 70% of those who have HSV do not know it due to lack of recognizable symptoms and lack of routine testing. So chances are he is one of those who does not know.

The "classic" presentation of herpes simplex is for symptoms to appear within 2 to 20 days of infection. There is probably no good estimate of how many folks do not get the "classic" presentation.

:wavey:

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john26t

I got tested positive after I started dating my BF and found out I got both from my ex. She didn't have a problem with it. If I knew I was with someone that had something and I didn't, It wouldn't bother me if I knew she was my true love and I would be with her forever. True love is very important to me. It matters more to me than that. Why be with someone that you are afraid to get close to because of that. If you realy love the person it shouldn't bother you. That's how I feel. Don't worry about what other people think. If they realy like you they wont mind. It might worry them a little but they should still want to be with you. I hope you understand. I tried to word it right. lol

Take care and enjoy life. JOHN

P.S. I hope I helped

I just started going through it and posted a question but I also want to help others when I can.

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j37

I am going through a similar situation right now with the guy I suspect gave me HSV2. I liked him so much and still do. We had unprotected sex on and off for about 3-4 months and then I got the symptoms of fever, muscle aches, flu-like feeling, headache but no sores. I would have just shrugged that off and thought it was a bug but when I started bleeding again a few days after my period ended, I went to my doctor. That is when they tested for herpes. I didn't know those were the symptoms and thought there would be immediate sores or something. I had sex with him again over the weekend and found out I tested positive Monday. I called him crying and he was convinced he didn't have it even though I doubt it was my ex because I hadn't been intimate with him in over 3 years. I know my body and it usually reacts right away to virus and bacterias out there. He claims he's getting tested but never calls, texts or even wants contact with me even though I'm pretty sure he gave it to me. I haven't been with anybody but him but he must not believe me. It is a total double slap to get this diagnosis and to have the person you want to be with reject you because of an STD. If he tests negative, I'm sure it's because he didn't get the right test or it will be a false negative. Even if I had this in my body and it all of a sudden activated with him after years of no sex, then he must have it from being with me, right? Ugh...what a nightmare. I completely understand how you feel.

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JustFedUpAndTired

OMG I'm right here with you. It's been 7 mths and even tho the OBs have somewhat calmed down I still feel like I'll be alone forever. The person who gave this to me promised to be here for me...he claims he didn't know...but his later actions say otherwise. Then he became a complete ass to me. Then I told him where he could shove his HSV and everything else! So now he's popped back up and has been texting calling emailing apologizing...F*#K that and him! He treated me really bad and because of this I WILL NOT FORGIVE HIM. Me telling him how I really felt made me feel a little better. However I am still depressed and worried to death about passing this on to someone. The fact that sexual acts can't ever just happen naturally for me ever again and everything has to be calculated makes me not even wanna do the shit...add to that the fact that I could infect a person...no thank u *sigh*

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Dazzlingeyes

That's exactly how I feel... like I don't want to do anything. My sex drive flew out the window....

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shaz

For my part....I always came straight out with it that I had H. No point in dating that person getting really involved and then spilling the beans...saves a lot of time and heartache! My present bf didn't batter an eyelid about it, everyone is different though! U won't be single forever dear! Take as long as u need and you'll be ready again for dating, I did try a dating site for Herpes sufferers too ! xxx

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JustFedUpAndTired

I have no intention of not being honest. What I'm not gonna do is mess over someone like I was. I think ppl deserve a choice, even tho I wasn't afforded that choice. It's still not something that I find easy to say or do! Shaz I WISH I could just say "oh by the way...I have H" right from the beginning. That's just not something I feel like I wanna tell everyone. I think that if its not serious enough that I could see us in a relationship then its not something I'm just telling a person right from the beginning. I've already decided to be celibate so its not even an issue of if I sleep with someone. That's not happening ANY TIME SOON. I have all kinda fears. What if I say this to a person that I'm just meeting...and they decide to run their mouth? Ummmm no thank you. I've told a few of my friends...and they've been great. But one (who also has H might I add) decided to tell other ppl. That was the WORST feeling in the world! And this was a person I should've been able to trust because she of ALL PEOPLE should understand right? From that situation alone I've decided not to tell anyone else not anytime soon. I won't be dating anyone right now anyway *sigh*

As for that H dating site? Ummm no. 1) I'm not paying to talk to ppl, even if they are going thru what I am and 2) the few ppl who have contacted me seem to think that just because we both know our status right off...that it means sex is a definite. Hell no! I'm not even sure when or if I'll ever be able to trust my feelings and body to another man anytime soon...regardless of if he knows or not *sigh* I wish I didn't feel this way...

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hermia

Hmmm, I'm finding that on H dating sites too...

the assumption that sex is definitely going to happen, just because status is already known...

maybe also because of the idea that H people will only date H people, and if your both already infected... why not?

I am definitely leaning towards the idea of giving up the whole thing and buying another cat.

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JustFedUpAndTired

Hermia lmbo! I was teasing my coworker about being the cat lady! And about those sites...smh I don't know what would make them think that...smh It's the emotional part that makes all this so hard...and for me if my emotions aren't in the right place I KNOW the other "areas" won't work right either. Especially if this person is trollin on H dating sites...how am I supposed to trust ? This is becoming too much work!

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Guest AlUrker

I've got a couple of kittys that'll be looking for a new home when I move in with/marry the lady I met on positivesingles... if yall are interested. She's not a cat person. ;)

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notagain909

Guys on herpes dating sites aren't special, they're guys. Lots of guys just want sex (myself included).

I'm guessing about half of the guys are just looking for sex, but I'm sure it would be the same for a normal dating site.

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JustFedUpAndTired

Well damnit yuck114 at least you're honest! lol But unfortunately that's not what I'm looking for. A liar who just wanted sex and played a role of wanting more put me in this situation...I'm straight! I'll pass.

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JustFedUpAndTired

AlUrker Congrats! I'm glad u found a good person. Hope it works out! :)

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Guest AlUrker

Thanks, I hope so too. Just let me know when you want the cats, they come with litter boxes and a bag of food. I'll even buy you supper at that place across from the Riverwalk that I can't recall the name of right now before I leave town. :)

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High Spirits

Dear CreoleGirl,

Man, you crack me up. I just joined this website and am trying to feel better about my predicament. You pretty much summed up how I feel. Glad to have a kindred spirit out there! My battery-operated-boyfriend is looking better and better!

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JustFedUpAndTired

Totally Alone! Mannnnnn I wasn't even bout to go there but ummmmm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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