what do I do?

[jazzy]

Not for sure of what to do. This is my first time talking to anybody about what is going on and I am really getting stressed out. First. let me tell you my story.

I have been with this guy for about 5 years. We have a child together. The whole time that we have been together, he has cheated on me numerous times and has even gave me a few std's. Like a dummy, I stayed, but this time he gave me something that I cant get rid of, herpes. When I found out that I had herpes and told him, he was really nonchalant about it. We had broken up for about six months and during that time I had heard he was messing with this girl who is known to have herpes. When we got back together I told him about this and did not have sex with him until he got hisself check out. Later he told me that he was alright, but later I wasn't. I went to the doctor and sure enough I had herpes. When I told him he said that when he went everything was fine. I was like yeah right, maybe it is just me that has this. I was joking with him. Then he says, well the doctor did tell me that when you go to a clinic, they dont do a full examination, so he's like thats probably what it was. My question was, why didn't he tell me this before he told me he was okay so that he could have went somewhere and got checked out for real. At this time, I didn't really get mad, I figured I would stay with him. I do believe that he already knew he had it becuase he didn't ask any questions and didn't even go back to get tested himself. This was about a month ago. Well, I have really begun to get mad about this and I broke up with him because he told me he had a baby on the way, which is the third baby that is not mine since we have been together. Anyway, I met this guy and we have messed around like two times and now I feel really guilty for not telling him about my situation. I made sure that we were really careful, but I know I need to tell him and I am scared to. I am afraid that he will leave me alone and that he may tell someone that I have herpes. He has made a comment that if a girl ever gave him a std, that he would do something bad. I could have exposed him. I have been reading some material on the internet and now I know that we shouldn't have messed around at all. I have herpes II and we have had oral sex. I am so scared and don't know what to do. I really like this person. I need help. Can somebody help me?

[ouch]

Hi there,

You ex is a shit. A total shit, it is too bad you gave him the time of day, especially if he was a habitual cheater. But, it seems many of us women have a hard time letting go and think that these blokes are "worth fighting for" when they are not. I am SURE he knew he had it, and he SHOULD Have told you. He is a cretin. Other than making sure you get child support from his cruel ass, NEVER EVER have ANYTHING to do with him again. That is my 10 cents on THAT issue.

As for testing, this is a great travesty here in America that doctors and clinics do NOT do a routine test for HSV. Perhaps if it was made a priority and testing done, less people would become infected with it because people would KNOW they have it and could work on preventing the spread of this crap.

As for the new guy.....you MUST tell him. I hope you are being safe and using condoms, but condoms are NOT foolproof. Think of how you feel by not being told by your ex he has it....and then he passed it onto you. Do you want to do the same to an unknowing partner? He has a right to make a choice. he might be mad now because you could have potentially exposed him to it, rather than waiting and giving him a choice. Just get all your facts together and tell him in a calm fashion. And not while you are "in bed together". Tell him in your living room or something. If you really like this guy, then you need to tell him. It is scary, but it is just something you have to do. Good luck!

[jazzy]

Thank yu

I do know that I need to tell him. I talked to him today and he something was wrong and he asked, but I told him nothing was wrong, but he knows that it is something. I am going to tell him, but I dont know how to do it. I am so embarassed. Do I do it face to face? Over the phone? How do I start this conversation? I am literally going crazy over this. I want to cry all the time, just like now as I am writing this message. It is so depressing that I get a headache just thinking about it. But I know I have to do it and I will. I do not plan any type of intimacy with him until he knows and we can talk about the situation.

[Lorri45]

TELL the new guy! My ex cheated on me - I thought 2x a year I was having yeast infections (I guess my outbreaks are internal). H was considered the test was false-negative. 5 years AFTER I finally left my ex I had the first OB/"yeast infection" in 7 years - this time the doctor picked up on it. Horrors! I was in the FIRST relationship since my ex (I'm a monog. persona) and I immediately told him the story - he stayed with me. HOWEVER, I did call my ex - he says he is 'fine' and tries to claim I slept around (I was faithful all 18 years!). He is either a carrier or lieing but that does not change the issue. I discussed meds with the doctor but we felt that since it is not a guarantee to prevent transmission and I do not have a lot of OB's that the side effects from the meds was not worth taking them - great, except for one thing, I apparently was shedding and not aware of it and the ONE time no condom I passed this horrible disease onto a man who does not deserve it. I hope my little story helps - use condoms ALWAYS and be honest ALWAYS.