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Someone I care about has Herpes--need some advice


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So the story is this:

I have been dating a girl for a little over a month. We have not had any sexual contact. Things were going really well until she suspected and confirmed that she has HSV2. She came over Monday (the day she found out) and told me. I was totally supportive and told her it didn't matter to me and I liked her regardless. I confirmed she was not any less attractive to me, offerred to go with her to get her RX, etc. I was totally mature and honest and she appreciated it. We had lunch the next day, I told her that I had not changed my mind at all, she made a comment to me, "I don't deserve you". I told her that was crap. She is an awesome girl that I would love to have a long term relationship with.

Well, since then she has withdrawn, told me a relationship is not in the cards for her right now (even though she was keen on it Monday). She told me her life is a mess, etc. I can only pretend to know what she is going through. She is 26, if that matters.

Now, I figure the reality is setting in for her (it has not even been 5 day since diagnosis), she still is symptoms so she probably feels badly physically and emotionally. Is there any other way I could have handled this better? Any recommendations for me? I really want her to know that it doesn't matter a bit to me and I still like her just as much, maybe more for her honesty.

Thanks for the help,


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Wow. Alot there to digest....

First, I say kudos to you for being there for her and being so COOL about her diagnosis and everything. I am glad you are here to post as once again, it shows so many people (especially the women, who seem to get the shaft more than the men when it comes to "telling") that people are going to care about you despite having herpes. So thank you for being so caring. You did everything the right way. I do not see where you did anything wrong.

Two. Yes, I would say the reality of the disease is really hitting home. She is young still. (26...oh to be 26 again!) and this is all very hard for HER to digest right now. She is going through a myriad of emotions. Perhaps ease up a bit on her, give her some space so she can fathom all that is going on, but let her know you are there for her. That is all you can really do. Hopefully, she will get out of her funk, come to terms with her virus and then be able to start dating you again. I am hoping this is the case.

Patience is the key here. Patience, and a good, strong backbone. There may come a point when she needs it! (or at least a good strong shoulder to cry on!)

Let her know you have done your own studying up on the disease, and that she needs to stay strong and healthy and you are willing to help her fight this as a team.

Other than that, I do not know what else advice to offer. I hope she doesn't stay depressed for too long...that is the other thing that happens to many people. Severe depression. Why this virus more than any other, I do not know...I mean, I KNOW, but still....it just seems this really knocks the wind out of people, ya know?

Good luck to you and I hope things work out. If not, well , thank you for at least not being scared off and being a good guy!


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Thank you very much for your kind reply. I shall remain strong and supportive. I think that she has withdrawn for now and won't have much to do with me for the time being. I cannot blame her, she is going through a lot (which really pisses me off--I hate the stigma attached to what is really not so uncommon and not something horrible). Thank you again for your reply.

Would flowers sent to her next week with a "just to make you smile" type message be uncalled for?

Thanks again!

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hi there!

Glad I was of some help.

I would say definitely send her some flowers next week, with a nice note like "thinking of you, hope these make you smile." Or something like that. I am the least girly of girls but even I LOVE my flowers. Matter of fact, a couple of months ago, I was having a crappy week, I was grouchy, (pmsing and stress!) and I was having one of several really bad outbreaks, and my man came home and snuck some pretty flowers into the kitchen. It really made my day. :D

Initial outbreaks are bad, if this is her first one than she is going to have a rough time of it. She may have had the virus for a while, but never had an outbreak in the past and something might have triggered it and voila! And it could be a doozy....thus, not only the social stigma causes great grief, but they physical pain is no walk in the park.

I use to NEVER have outbreaks. IF I did, I would have one single, annoying bump, that usually went away within a few days.

That all changed (and has since...) after I was six months pregnant. I had an outbreak so bad, it made my damn teeth hurt. I wanted to die. I knew I had to be strong, because I have an older child AND because I was pregnant. But it was really THAT bad. And they have subsequently been "that bad' ever since. I have tried many different things, and not much has helped. I have a few theories as to WHY, but I digress.

Bottom line is: if this is what is happening to her, a severe outbreak along with finding OUT she has it, it will take her a while to digest all this. I feel bad for the gal. At least she has you as a friend, and while she might not be able to appreciate that right now...down the road she will.

for sure. Send the flowers next week. Don't even bring up the herpes. Just let her know you are thinking of her and that you hope the flowers brighten her day a bit.

Let me know how it goes!!!


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thanks a ton

thanks so much for the feedback and encouragement. It has been almost a week since i found the news and i feel no differently. While I (of course) don't want herpes, I feel like telling her that I could be the last guy she ever has to divulge that to. Ya know? I really feel for her and want to help. Flowers may go some distance in that endeavor, at least i hope. I can imagine you don't want to consult online outside of the forum, but i would like to bounce some things off you offline. Now, i totally understand that you are probably bombarded with such and understand if you want me to keep it in this thread.

I may want to bounce the text for the card off you for maxiumum impact (i.e. her feeling good).

Thanks a ton,



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The biggest reason for my learning to cope was being blessed with a man who also did not walk away and helped me to see I am OK. Give her time, I know I had a lot of fear about any relationship once I knew I had it! You have no idea how much you are helping by just the flowers and letting her know you accept her. Just wanted you to know this.

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Good card for the flowers?

Thank you all for your help, I think I am going to send tulips. Please give me your thoughts on the text for the card. What i propose is below, i was limited to a certain number of characters, but I think the message is good. Hit me back with any comments, i will place the order later today. Thanks all!

for the card--

Though the beauty of your heart, mind and soul will surely eclipse that of the tulips, I hope they brighten your day as thinking of you brightens mine. No need to call, just smile. Yours, nathan

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