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OjosAbiertos

POLL: outcomes when disclosing sooner vs. disclosing later (always/only BEFORE sex)

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OjosAbiertos

NOTE:

THIS POLL ONLY RELATES TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE WAITED TO BE SEXUALLY INTIMATE UNTIL AFTER THEY DISCLOSED, REGARDLESS OF WHEN THEY TOLD THEIR POTENTIAL PARTNER. This is not for people who have told AFTER being sexually intimate. Thank you.

i've always told people within a couple of weeks of starting dates with them. i did so because i didn't want to waste their time or mine. more importantly i think i told early because i thought they'd feel betrayed if i didn't tell them until much later (ALWAYS BEFORE SEX). personally, i'd prefer to know earlier too. but now i'm considering waiting a few months with this new guy. this also would help me go slow emotionally, becoming friends first - something i've always wanted to do...

so i thought i'd start this thread and ask that you reply to the following:

  1. how long were you seeing/dating the person before you told?

  2. what do you think is a reasonable amount of dates/outings/activities to have with your love interest before you tell?

  3. what do you think the outcome would have been had you told them sooner (e.g., within a month) or if you had waited and told them later (e.g., 2+months)?

  4. does the depth of conversation matter (i.e., you spend hours and hours and hours talking with each other about your hopes/dreams)?

  5. what was the outcome after telling them? did they leave immediately? did they take time to learn and digest the info? did they react negatively? did they not bother to learn anything about herpes? how long did you stay together? are you still together?


  6. any additional insights, comments? anything you would do differently? anything you have done that has really worked?


and to be fair, here are my replies:

1. how long were you seeing/dating the person before you told?

last person i was with i told them within a few weeks.

2. what do you think is a reasonable amount of dates/outings/activities to have with your love interest before you tell?

i'm trying to figure that out now. in general, i would like to figure out how to just be friends first.

3. what do you think the outcome would have been had you told them sooner (e.g., within a month) or if you had waited and told them later (e.g., 2+months)?

i think i would have gotten to know him better, become friends, and frankly, now that relationship is over, probably wouldn't have continued a romantic relationship with him.

4. does the depth of conversation matter (i.e., you spend hours and hours and hours talking with each other about your hopes/dreams)?

i don't think so. i think time is its own measuring tool despite how close you're getting emotionally. i think.

5 what was the outcome after telling them? did they leave immediately? did they take time to learn and digest the info? did they react negatively? did they not bother to learn anything about herpes? how long did you stay together? are you still together? if not together, how much did herpes play a part in ending?

he didn't look into it. i didn't offer any articles/websites. we were together for <2years. herpes had nothing to do with ending.

6. any additional insights, comments?
anything you would do differently? anything you have done that has really worked?

only that i wonder what it says about a person when s/he doesn't bother to look into it. i don't know why it has been so much more difficult with this newest guy (not the last boyfriend i refer to above) who i told. i didn't really tell any sooner than usual. maybe i made it a bigger deal this time since i had gathered more information on it...? just not sure. or maybe he's the first to actually want to read about it and that is the difference...?

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mwestie

thank you for posting this poll because I have these EXACT same questions and that is why I sought out a forum like this to find out other people's experiences

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OjosAbiertos

What's love got to do with it...

thanks mwestie. so please post your responses to the poll questions...

i am starting to believe that it doesn't matter when you tell as much as how you present it and the other person's mindset.

are they intelligent (i don't mean "book-smart")? open-minded? aware of the debilitating effects of stigma in general? are they aware of the unspoken realities and widespread ignorance of STDs? do they see life as a series of risks? etc etc... i want to be with someone who i can answer yes to all those points... not because i have H but because that's the kind of person i can respect...

And in the end, whether they end up in love with me or not, I think I'd rather know the kind of person they are before love plays any role in their decision to accept all of me... I think I'm leaning towards telling early on because if thinking that falling in love with me would make the difference in accepting me, then... what happens where there is a big fight? or when we go thru the ups and downs inherent in relationships... what happens then?

I think that if the real deep truth is that they would not have been accepting of my reality before feeling love for me, then eventually that un-acceptance would show its little ugly head. because as T. Turner has taught us: "What's love got to do with it"...?

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