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aloneforevernow

what now..

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aloneforevernow

I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel so alone I just found out I have (well u know) the bad one... im heartbroken, haven't stopped crying can't think or concentrate on anything... im soo dirty I feel disgusting, sick to my stomach... I am a 28 yr old single mom. Can't enjoy my daughter fully she just keeps telling me momma its ok... its ok! Well its really not.. I just want to disfigure myself make myself ugly so no one will ever want me again... I don't know how to move on how to "look at the possitive" am I gonna b depressed forever?

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lookingforhope

I'm in the newly diagnosed boat too...and it sucks badly for me too! But, at least you have a kid. I'm 29 and no kids...and now I prolly never will. Unless the vaccine comes out soon.

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aloneforevernow

Im soo sorry!! Everyone seems to b telling me theres life after all this... i dnt c it yet but for both our sakes i pray we can move threw this and have semi normal relationships... someday!

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Movingslowly

I can say this has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I try my hardest to make myself not visible to society if you know what I mean. Ive battled severe depression and withdrew from all social activites in the past two years. Just when I start to exercise I have another outbreak and it knocks me down. Two antivirals and resistance to the meds make me question life. I try my hardest to let go, but with every outbreak I fall right back down and its literally been a struggle. Hopefully, you find peace and acceptance with your diagnosis. I havent yet. There are remarkable researches for better daily suppressants, vaccines, and Dr. Bloom is currently destroying hsv1 (if successful will follow with hsv2) with a unique method. Look in the herpes cure research forum and see what sciences is doing for herpes. It will be another 5-10 years before any new treatment or cure is available. Maybe that forum will give you hope for a brighter future.

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aloneforevernow

Ohh my goodness that's so sad.! Pls don't say that don't live like that! I have to have hope u have to have hope.!!! How long have u had it? Do u feel like u have no one that would ever understand what your going threw?! I don't... not one single person that wouldn't judge me... I think that's the worst part about it... that n im never going to have intimacy again.. no one will ever want me :'( we aren't good talking lol we would just wallow in our pity forever! :) we need to b possitive! Things will brighten!! Prolly not... but we have to hope!!!

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Movingslowly

Two years ago I was diagnosed. Im not dying physically (well the outbreaks are painful) but herpes isnt killing me physically as much as mentally. Im just battling severe depression and herpes stimulated this psychological issue I now have. Im actually engaged and found out I have herpes soon after we stopped using protection. Never dated around much and had a few sex partners. Only unprotected sex with three people and I ended up with this painful virus. I thk my partner gave it to me, but he has never had an outbreak. He might just be one of the millions who never know they have it. More people are asymptomatic than symptomatic. Thats why sooo many people are becoming infected. You can still spread the virus througj viral shedding and we often dont know when we shed the virus because we are symptom free besides during an actual outbreak. If my fiance is not infected I will break the engagement and call off the wedding. I seriously couldnt live with myself if I infect him. I can live with this virus if I knew there was no chance in hell I could infect him. Visioning him suffering from an outbreak makes me feel like scum. Who knows though, maybe he is infected. Im really hoping this medication from aicuris called AIC316 is available with in the next 5years. It made it through phase II trials. In many patients it suppressed the herpes virus completely, no viral mutating (thats the problem with antivirals, the virus learns to mutate and antivirals are not designed to attack these mutants), and no viral shedding of course. It is far more superior than antiviral treatments. Just getting it to market is the hold up. I strongly believe this drug will be our next best choice of treatment until a cure is available. Thank God there are researches trying to actually cure the virus/corrupt it during latency. I will make it through this, but its taking me a long time to effectively cope.

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aloneforevernow

Gosh! Im soo sorry! I was reading about that AIC316! I hope I pray they can make some breakthroughs in that! I am doomed if they don't :'( forever alone if they don't... I think ima become a alcoholic... I just wanna numb my way threw life!!

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Movingslowly

Alcohol and drugs never seemed to help me relax or whatever. Im worse when drinking. Not that I ever really drink. Im dying for a better treatment. I think the more control I have over this nasty virus means I will have a better grip on accepting I have it. My most challenging fear is infecting my partner if hes not already. I cant imagine putting him through this. Yes, theres condoms and medications but those are not nearly enough. Valtrex is a joke and all those old ass antivirals are worse. Seriously, this herpes virus has antivirals very fooled. Those insensitive doctors and nurses just give u a script and send u about your merry way. This diagnosis of herpes is related to severe psychological distress but that is never addressed. Most doctors dont know much about herpes anyways. Its just a frustrating, depressing, itchy (lol) situation.

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ScottishLassie

This is so sad, reading posts that show so much unhappiness. I've just been diagnosed too but my dr stressed to me that this is not a life sentence. It's nothing more than coldsores 'gone south'. A huge percentage of people have this condition and most don't even know it. My lovely boyfriend gave it to me because he had never shown symptoms and didn't know he carried it. It's not nice and I definitely wish I was one of the asymptomatic carriers but all you can do is pick yourself up, brush yourself down and keep smiling! It doesn't mean a lifetime of loneliness or not having children. My dr told me that stress and worry make the problem much worse and make recurrences more frequent. She said that the people who are able to forget about it and not let it worry them too much often only have one or two recurrences in a lifetime. I know it's hard but try not to worry. It's not the end of the world, though it may seem so sometimes. Please don't allow yourself to be scaremongered. See this for what it is - a very common, non life threatening virus that can be controlled through diet, exercise, drugs of they work for you and positive thinking! Don't let it control you or your happiness. God bless!

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The Boss

aloneforevernow

i too am new to H. but i have started regular routine of exercise complemented with healthy diet (no alcohol, moderate meat, lot of raw veg and fruits) and regular prayers. chalk out a plan suitable to you. if u have read info, its repeatation pattern is different for everyone so no need for you to bother at this stage till u know your own pattern. the more you will ignore it the lesser will b the chances for further OB. cheers!!

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lookingforhope

It's not the herpes itself that bothers me. I can deal with that. It's the stigma. Finding a decent guy was nearly impossible for me before this. Now it will be impossible.

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aloneforevernow

Thank u all for responding and giving me your uplifting words and advice.!! Its been a week now since I found out and Id have to say its getting a lil better... your guys's replies helped so much, I still feel semi alone in this quest but with all of u... it helps! I know im not alone in these feelings and questions I have... life has to go on and even tho I still question if ill ever b able to be with someone again ... I at least know that theirs others that have overcome what I am trying to overcome.!! Forever thank u for the support!!

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aloneforevernow

Lookingforhope... I know exactly what ur saying that's how I feel... its was soo hard before... not it seems so impossible!!

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ScottishLassie

You just never know - your dream partner could be out there right now, with the same condition, wondering how HE'LL ever find someone! Carry on thinking positively! :)

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Jenkins

i just wanna find a nice girl that has hsv-2 too , cos my life would be perfect without that complication....clean people dont know how lucky they are, i know i didnt

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query

Hey, it will get better you all are not alone there. I was diagnosed just before Halloween 2011, and felt just like you all do....get into the chat room and you will see you are not alone!!!! This site has helped me tremendously and yes stress is a big trigger, regular exersice will help you feel better as will a healthy diet....I am at the gym six days a week and it is a big boost. Please keep positive I know and understand its hard but you will see positive begets positive and negative will just bring you further down. Good luck and check out the chat room too. :-)

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PointPilot

All,

I have been newly diagnosed right before my birthday in August. I find it difficult to describe how I felt at that moment in time, shock, flight, tragedy. My initial infection is on my thumb on my dominant hand currently. No other outbreaks have occurred yet that I know. I always practice safe sex with only a few monogamous partners and always get tested and demand the partner is tested before being intimate for the first time. I thought I was doing all I could to be a sexually healthy person. This blindsided me. Thankfully, I am on good terms with all of my past sexual partners and requested they be screened knowing they have had contact with someone who just tested positive. To date the three have come back as clean.

To an extent I consider myself lucky and all of us who now know should. Although many of us find tragedy and emotional distress in every outbreak, I find value in the fact that I know I have this disease. Because I know, I can do everything in my power to prevent transmission to another person. I made a vow to myself, I WILL NOT pass this on to another person and cause as much heartache as many of us on this forum experience. I have greater difficulty with the possibility of infecting another person than managing my personal outbreaks.

My story is not all roses. I also have the lonely, unclean, distant, and valueless feelings I think most people feel during the first few months or years after diagnosis. I have always been a guy who, for some reason or another, has difficulties finding ladies who are interested in me. I prepared myself years ago in high school, to live alone and be a disappointment to my family. This set the stage for depression thoughts of “who would notice if I were gone”. I have worked hard to suppress those feelings for 10 years. Now that herpes has entered my life those thoughts have returned.

I would do anything to have this infection in another location. During a given day think of how many common surfaces you touch, hands your shake, or activities you do. Beyond that think of all of the personal hygiene activities you do each day, brushing your teeth, shaving, using the restroom, rubbing your eye, using a tissue. Now imagine doing those activities without your dominant hand. I have found “prevention life” harder to manage than the outbreak. At all times I keep my thumb covered with a bandage which completely covers the site. People do ask questions which I find very difficult to answer or deal with.

Friends have been a valuable tool for me. I use most of my friends as a distraction to keep me from thinking bad destructive thoughts. The people that I have told have been supportive, but have grown highly frustrated by the marry-go-round of emotions I tend to have. All of them have eventually said, “just get over it and move on with your life.” How do I express to them this is more difficult than it sounds?

Some days are good and some days are bad for me. Within the first few weeks I was living day by day or hour by hour emotionally which worked for me. I would only think of the things I needed to do that hour or day and that helped me reduce my bad thoughts. For a period of time I had several good days in a row. A few weeks before I was diagnosed I met a lady who is a mutual friend and we enjoy the same activities. Recently my herpes anxiety has been very high because things have progressed and a more serious relationship might develop. This added stress has caused my second partial outbreak. My thumb is red and slightly swollen. I believe I have controlled the outbreak with Abriva and have chosen not to spend the money on the prescription anti-virals.

Does anyone have any advice on successful ways or times to tell a new partner about herpes? Since I am new to all of this I don’t know how to go about it. I am concerned that once I tell her she will not want to be around me at all because there is a constant risk due to the location of my infection even without sexual activity. I know if the roles were reversed I would probably decline the relationship because of a situation like this. Sorry to make this such a long story but any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

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RealisticGal

Hi PointPilot ---

Your post here is very poignant...and long. I'm not going to try to address many of your points right now. For one thing, with herpetic whitlow being fairly rare, I'm not really familiar enough to give you much good advice.

But I will let you know one thing --- you can obtain acyclovir for $4/month. It isn't that much money; perhaps not even as much as you are spending on Abreva OTC. Since it would very likely decrease the amount of shedding, you might give it another thought.

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Fully Qualified Survivor

I contracted genital herpes 25 years ago and in that time have been married 3 times, have a wonderful daughter and am in the 14 month of a new realtionship with a very beautiful woman. So, no....it's not a sentence of isolation!

By the way I haven't had an outbreak for over 10 years

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PointPilot

Realistic Gal,

You are right my post is a little too much and covers a broad spectrum of personal emotional challenges I have. That night I sought this site for help when I was feeling really down. My post started small, as I began to put my experience into words my spirits were lifted. Just something about getting it out there for someone else to possibly read made me feel so much better. It is a lot, and most of it is not constructive to this site or assisting others. But the shear change of emotion I experienced was worth it for me to spend the time and write it.

Sorry to offend or bother anyone.

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RealisticGal
Realistic Gal,

You are right my post is a little too much and covers a broad spectrum of personal emotional challenges I have. That night I sought this site for help when I was feeling really down. My post started small, as I began to put my experience into words my spirits were lifted. Just something about getting it out there for someone else to possibly read made me feel so much better. It is a lot, and most of it is not constructive to this site or assisting others. But the shear change of emotion I experienced was worth it for me to spend the time and write it.

Sorry to offend or bother anyone.

Dude! No need to apologize. You didn't offend or bother.

I just didn't have time to write a book (like I often do here) that night. I had to get to bed!

:wavey:

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