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Action Pact

Dating girls without herpes

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Action Pact

Just wanted to share my experience. I've been positive 1 year.

Of course I was devastated off the bat. Three months in, I met a friends friend while out for supper. We were making out, I wasn't pushing things at all, as I was still kinda discouraged. She came home I told her I had it. She said "You're not having an outbreak right now, are you?". I said no and that was that! We dated for several months and I broke it off. Still good friends. She was 31, I'm 30. She even wanted to do it without a condom often! Still thought it would be too much for younger girls though...

Here I am, a year later, and I've been with 6 more girls, none of which had ANY problem with it whatsoever. And at the moment, I'm dating a gorgeous 19 yr old who wants to have sex all the time! I swear it has been a benefit, I've had more sex this year with it than I ever had before!!!

Only one girl didn't want to sleep together 'cause of it, and she was the most promiscuous of all them! Didn't bother me, it would only have been a hook up for fun, not a relationship, and we've slept together before.

Hope this makes ppl feel better and have more confidence when dealing with this. It sucks to think how many ppl - myself included for a while - don't put themselves out there for the fear of rejection. I literally wouldn't have believed how insignificant of an issue it has been if you told me a year ago.

Woohoo!!!

If I could give any advice, it is don't be scared or nervous when telling people. I'm fairly open about it, and I think that comes through when I talk about it.

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JBnATL

Awesome post, I hope everyone who comes here reads it.

I too have never had a problem dating non h. I have given the 'talk' many times and have NEVER been rejected.

Good luck!

JB

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wastedhousewife

Glad you're still living the life that you want, Action! Almost everyone I have ever told about my hsv status has had no problem with it at all - I think we all judge ourselves a lot more harshly than anyone else ever will!

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Action Pact

Thanks! Didn't mean to make it sound like all relationships are about sex...but it is one of the worrying things after getting diagnosed.

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Fully Qualified Survivor

wastedhousewife is absolutely spot-on. We worry too much about how people will react and condemn ourselves into a life of isolation when there is no need. In my experience women just take it in their stride and are completely unphased leaving you feeling slightly idiotic. I think in over 20 years I've only ever known one woman who couldn't handle the news. In that time I've known a fair few women and to the best of my knowledge none of them contracted the H virus. Amongst the women are three ex wifes and believe me if they had contracted Herpes I would have got to know about it lol......next time I'm going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house....ahem

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PursuitOfHappiness

Seriously? I want to high five you right now. I have turned down a lot of sex because I didn't want to have the talk. You give me hope bro.

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Fully Qualified Survivor

Should qualify that statement by adding that the women I have disclosed to have all been those with whom an emotional attachment existed. I have no idea if the response would be the same if it were a prelude to a one night stand. Somehow I doubt it. Maybe wrong.

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HTTP
Thanks! Didn't mean to make it sound like all relationships are about sex...but it is one of the worrying things after getting diagnosed.

You didn't make it sound that way in a bad way...after all, sex it s HUGE concern for all of us after we are diagnosed. It's nice to know that ppl are out there who are OK with it and we can still have a healthy sex life. For me, sex is a big part of a relationship and if you can't have a healthy sex life - it most likely wont work out.

Thanks for sharing some good news :-)

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Action Pact
Should qualify that statement by adding that the women I have disclosed to have all been those with whom an emotional attachment existed. I have no idea if the response would be the same if it were a prelude to a one night stand. Somehow I doubt it. Maybe wrong.

I would have to say that I think you may be pleasantly surprised! I thought it wrote off one-nighters too at first ;)

I have, however, had the girl sleep over, refused sex the first night and broken the news in bed in the morning...a bit mellower.

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Fully Qualified Survivor

I guess it says an awful lot of the compassion of woman. I wonder if men are so understanding. Reading some of the posts on here from women, I don't think we are. Personally I don't do one night stands.

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Fully Qualified Survivor

Depends on the question being asked :)

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danbrey
J

If I could give any advice, it is don't be scared or nervous when telling people. I'm fairly open about it, and I think that comes through when I talk about it.

That is the secret. It's not what you say...it's how you say it!

FYI: Just be safe when having casual sex. There are STD's out there that REALLY cause problems!

Ed

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Doc Holiday

I'm sorry but I can't just tell people that I have an STD. Don't know where you live but here in the real world, that disclosing sh*t will find you in a world of psychological hurt. Although your story is inspiring to a person like me who enjoys the casual sex partner scene I find it hard to cope with.

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Action Pact

I live in BC, Canada. Where you at?

The only psychological hurt I was ever in from this was before I told people! All my family knows, most of my good friends know and, most importantly, all the girls I've wanted to get with know. It really isn't so bad.

Even if it seems there is lots of prejudice against it, you should realize that there probably isn't anywhere in the world where 20-25% of people don't have it. And even if people are prejudiced on the exterior, they are likely a bit softer under the hard shell.

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RealisticGal

Here in the real world, the fact that my fella told me made me feel even more strongly about him. It showed me he has integrity and honesty and that he cared enough about me to give me a choice in the matter.

It may make casual sex a bit less likely. Well, maybe it would do folks well to grow up and see casual sex for the waste of time it is, anyway.

:wavey:

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Action Pact
Here in the real world, the fact that my fella told me made me feel even more strongly about him. It showed me he has integrity and honesty and that he cared enough about me to give me a choice in the matter.

It may make casual sex a bit less likely. Well, maybe it would do folks well to grow up and see casual sex for the waste of time it is, anyway.

:wavey:

Very true, it does make women realize you're solid when you tell them.

Must say though, although some like yourself may feel casual sex is a waste of time, it is a great thing for others. As I said, I've only once had a 'no' reply to casual sex due to hsv...and many 'yes's.

To each their own, I will continue having casual sex until I find a woman I'd like to be with long-term. I'm 30 and have only had a few serious girlfriends in my life. It seems ridiculous that I would wait years for the 'right girl' while forsaking all sex. Casual sex fills these gaps, and is a ton of fun!

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RealisticGal
Very true, it does make women realize you're solid when you tell them.

Must say though, although some like yourself may feel casual sex is a waste of time, it is a great thing for others. As I said, I've only once had a 'no' reply to casual sex due to hsv...and many 'yes's.

To each their own, I will continue having casual sex until I find a woman I'd like to be with long-term. I'm 30 and have only had a few serious girlfriends in my life. It seems ridiculous that I would wait years for the 'right girl' while forsaking all sex. Casual sex fills these gaps, and is a ton of fun!

I think it possible we have different definitions for "casual sex," ActionPact. I'm speaking more of one-night "hookups," especially with strangers.

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mannysteve

this is the greatest, most life affirming post I've read in a long time. Bravo Action Pact! Giving us all hope, one lay at a time.

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samantha1986

this post gives me hope. I just got tested a few days ago and wont know for sure till monday if i have herpes at all or not but i am still freaking out about my "dating" life. Here i am in my prime (25) and I want to still have a normal healthy sex life. I just hope my luck is the same if it comes back positive.

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carpediem223

Ok. I'm recently single, my ex gave it to me back in April and we just broke up two weeks ago. I'm ready to get back on the horse and put the pieces of my life back together. Any advice on how and when to have the "talk"? Do you all go with the straight up first day take it or leave it approach, or do you prefer to date for a couple weeks and then when you feel she's gotten to see you for who you are bring up the fact that you have herpes.

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Action Pact
Ok. I'm recently single, my ex gave it to me back in April and we just broke up two weeks ago. I'm ready to get back on the horse and put the pieces of my life back together. Any advice on how and when to have the "talk"? Do you all go with the straight up first day take it or leave it approach, or do you prefer to date for a couple weeks and then when you feel she's gotten to see you for who you are bring up the fact that you have herpes.

I see no reason to tell people right away. Wait until it is obvious it is headed towards sex. I think it helps if the girl feels like she knows you. I think the un-rushed attitude towards girls that herpes gave me a bit of is actually an advantage. Like I said, I've had luck telling people the first night we were together. However, it it was someone I really wanted a relationship with...like the girl I'm dating now...I think sleeping with them without having sex and breaking the news in the morning...or later...is a good idea. Worked for me!

Also, it may be tough at first, but try not to be nervous or scared. I think this comes through when you talk. And prepare to be pleasantly surprised at people's reactions! I had a girl tell me recently that she's not sure how she may have taken it if she didn't know me...but we have known each other for a while, and within one minute of telling her she was giving me head! I've almost felt like stopping girls a few times and saying 'do you understand what you're getting into?'. Lol.

I know it sounds cheesy, but it is true that it doesn't change who you are. With all honesty, you probably won't find dating significantly different. If you're the same person, with the same attitude and positive attributes...you still are...and girls who are attracted to you still are. Most people are understanding and can easily overlook the tiny thing that herpes is.

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dark writer

everyone diagnosed with herpes should read this post. You've lifted a colossal weight off my chest with you experiences. Thank you all.

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