I just found out

[hope4me]

I was married before and he cheated on me while I was deployed.

I was very young. I dated a bunch of questionable guys.

I then married my best friend, we have been married for over a year and we have a 4 month old baby, who is our first child. Everything was great.

I finally felt some relief and real happiness. For a long time I thought that someday I would find out I had something, for being so angry and thinking I was getting back at someone. When all I was doing was killing myself. 2 weeks ago, I had my first out break. I thought it was hemorrhoids. But it was so painful I wanted to cry. We went to the emergency room and the doctor said it was external hemorrhoids.

I just think that he didnt want to say anything while my husband and baby were in the room. He told me to get with my doctor the following day. That morning there were 2 more bumps, that werent where hemorrhoids would be and I freaked out and called my husband into the bathroom. So from there, it has been a nightmare. Im still young, 23.

I finally got to the point in my life where I thought I was going to be ok.

I feel like a bad person. Like I dont deserve my son. But he is the only thing keeping me alive. My husband has been great. Though I have asked him more than a few times if he had cheated on me. That is my biggest fear, that he went outside our marriage. I was pregnant the whole time our first year. And that makes me so sick to think about it. But I dont see him doing that. We are best friends.He is afraid he gave it to me, he had unprotected sex with is girlfriend before me and she was cheating on him. He has never had an outbreak that he knows of.

I know most of the facts. Im just having a real hard time dealing.

I wonder how my life will go on... I want to tell someone, but Im too afraid. My husband says that it will just be with us. My family is pretty judgemental. And he is afraid they will hurt me in that way. Which I am too. I dont want to tell my best friend, because I dont want her to worry everytime I come over if she should clean everything after I leave.

I am a normal girl. Im not a stripper or a hooker or pornstar or girl in college who sleeps with everyone. I mean, this is what most people picture when they think about this. Atleast I did. I want a house, and more kids and to be happily married for 50 years. And I wonder how I am going to feel happy again. We never had a wedding, just a justice of the peace with no family there because we were away. And now we have been planning one. And I dont even feel like I have the right to walk down the aisle because of this. I feel like, who am I fooling....

And I wonder, how could God let this happen? Where do I go from here?

[Lookin4Sun]

Hope4me,

Your message breaks my heart partly because I don't want you to ever think such things about yourself and partly because I can totally relate. I am still waiting for my test results but my doctor was 95% sure it is a H outbreak and I just about hit the ceiling when she took a sample for a culture test, which she said was a characteristic reaction if it is herpes. I have all the classic symptoms.

I can relate to feeling like suddenly now you don't deserve happiness. I have felt that way off and on the last few days. I go from feeling normal one minute to feeling like I want to cry the next and if I laugh at something I think "what am I doing being happy, I don't deserve to be happy". I am not a slut but not a virgin either. I actually was a late bloomer and didn't even have sex with anyone until I was 23. I am now 33. I have dated a lot in the past ten years and was being as intimate with people as your average single adult woman. I have been careful, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't had moments where I threw caution to the wind and it is those moments which I keep beating myself up over. Like I'm not worth anyone's respect.

But then I learned more about the virus and have actually told a few of my close friends. I was expecting them to look down on me even at the posibility of having H and lecture me and make me feel even worse. However, they told me they all still loved me and didn't think any less of me and were more worried about what I thought of myself than anything. I am so lucky to have my friends just as you are to have your husband and son.

I know how you feel, but hang in there. Know that you are not alone and you are NOT a horrible person. You will get through this and have more babies and be married for 50 years. Herpes is inconvienent, not life threatening. It is just unfortunate it has such a negative social stigma.

I hear ya. But try to hang in there. Feel free to write me if you ever feel the need. It really helps to talk.

Lookin4Sun

[xerxes]

Hope4me,

you're not only facing HSV but also a deconstruction of your image of happiness ... always bitter to swallow. You have the right to be happy, why can't you be? Because you contracted a virus? Because some people at first could think less of you? Don't think less of yourself and don't give others too much power over you. It could happen to them also by the way. We forget how the human "machine" is fragile, that we are subject to illness and diseases.

Believe me, God has nothing to do with that: I'm a living proof of that I spent a great deal of my time and energy helping others, I've been through situations you cannot begin to imagine. So I ask: what did I do to deserve that? Nothing. I was just unlucky like so many. I don't go about blaming life for this. I want to be happy, I deserve it and I won't let HSV get in the way.

Although you are devastated by the fact that you now have HSV, you're still alive, married and a proud mother able to take care of her child: build on that. Where do you go from here? Well, you live and you go on. You have responsibilities you cannot let yourself go down into a depressed state. Don't see your condition worse than what it actually is. Time is a healer and it takes time to accept.

[ouch]

To be honest...I believe NOBODY deserves this virus. Not even "porn stars, or strippers or college girls who sleep around".....while sure, living a certain lifestyle might put you more at risk of contracting herpes, it still doesn't mean ANYBODY "deserves" it. Not good people, not bad people. I wish this virus on NO ONE!

I think we ALL have similar feelings once diagnosed with herpes. Unlovable.....leper like.....but that is just not the case! We are no different, with the exception that we must take care of ourselves and perhaps use alot more common sense than we did in our "pre herpes "days. (in regards to sex, cleanliness, etc.) I am the same person I was before, and I have NEVER allowed herpes to alter my opinion of myself, nor let myself be mistreated by anyone because I have it. SURE , I do have some down days (especially during an outbreak) but I try to just stay on top of it....most times I come on here and vent about something...then I feel better!

Don't allow yourself to think of yourself any differently......you are the same person you have always been. Nothing has changed, other than you have to take a few extra precautions. Have the big wedding you both want, celebrate your marriage! You do not need to tell anyone (family or friends) if you do not want to. The only people you need to tell your status are those you are intimate with and well...HE already knows. It is YOUR personal business!

I have told my sister and my best friend and they do not treat me differently. Obviously, my man knows, and he has never made me feel bad or different because I am herpes positive and he is not. He is my rock of gibraltar! It is a RELIEF to have such a strong person in my corner.

I wish you luck and hope you are feeling better.

[Guest dangermouse]

I feel like a bad person. Like I dont deserve my son...

I know most of the facts. Im just having a real hard time dealing.

I wonder how my life will go on... I want to tell someone, but Im too afraid.

As someone who dated an HSV+ person, I recognise what you're saying. My girlfriend felt very down sometimes. But over the 18 months we were together, I saw her growing and growing in confidence - and now she is married with two children and I'm the lonely single. So hang on for a while, and you might notice things feel easier as time goes by.

You have already told someone - us! Well done too. But if you live in a decent sized town, you could probably find a counselor / psychologist to confide in. Maybe the doctor who diagnosed you can recommend someone?

I agree with Ouch, by the way, that noone "deserves" herpes. In fact, I have to admit that for me life is just a game, in which sometimes you "win" and sometimes you "lose". There is no "deserving" in games (you don't get bonus points for being nice in Monopoly), so why should there be "deserving" in life? Things just happen, and we do our best to get the good parts and avoid the bad bits. If there is a God, he doesn't reward good people or punish bad people (or if he does, he does a pretty bad job of it). Otherwise none of us good people would be on this website.