Making the first move!!!

[tothefuture]

What do people think? Is it ethical to ask someone out when you have this virus? Given that you know that eventually they'll have to make the decision whether to take the risk and possibly catch this themselves.

[Lookin4Sun]

Hi tothefuture,

Well, it is a good question and an honest concern. I don't know how others feel, but the way I see it you should go ahead and take the risk of making the first move. Just because you have H doesn't mean you should sit back and hope that someone comes to you. Be yourself! If something comes of it and he becomes someone you start dating then it will be up to him what he does when you tell him about your situation. Yes, it is a little riskier but for all you know maybe he has it too! Even if he doesn't, I think there is nothing wrong with acting the same way you did pre-H and asking the guy out. I met the man I am dating now by making the first move and I am so glad I did. I was concerned like you about it being okay for me to do that when I know I have this virus, but decided to put myself out there anyway. He is wonderful and sweet and when I told him about my H (before any sexual contact) he handled it with total respect and care. We have been dating now for a couple of months and I am so glad I didn't let my H keep me from reaching out to him. I say go for it!

[WaxedWrong]

sure its ethical to make the first move. and hunting down a possible person is perfectly fine.

u can be the same person you used to be, the only diffrence is When u get intimate but before all that, u need to get the man.

so go for it.~ u never know if that will be ur hubby

[tothefuture]

Thanks for the replies. And I agree, we should all just be ourselves. And hopefully that involves acting with integrity and honesty.

[photographer]

This may seem a little shovenist but coming from a guys perspective, I have not seen or heard of a man turning down a woman (that he is attracted to.) I know it does happen, but I have several female friends that are infected and not one of them have ever, not once, been turned down.

On the other hand, as a man, I have been turned down a couple times by women that I had a great friendship/relationship with extreme physical attraction. These were women that I felt would never say no. This definitely makes it hard. Rejection, by someone you have deep feelings for, hurts.

On the plus side, I have also had a couple casual relationships that my partners weren't too worried about it. Just goes to show, you never know.

[karmic debt]

i have recently met the girl of my dreams, we r so compatibal. i am so scared of telling her i have severe herpes, she is the lovliest girl i have ever met, and she is getting deeply attached to me as i am her. i am a grown man of 27 and i have been crying myself to sleep, she is 20 years old and told me shes a virgin, which i beleive. i dont deserve this girl, but i cant walk away, i am obsesed with her, and am gonna find it extremely hard 2 be rejected by her, and it might just push me over the edge. i dont know how to tell her, and am dreading the day she wants 2 take things further.

[Support1]

To Karmic Debt,

I am so glad that you met someone special. I know that you are probably dreading the day that you have to explain that you have h to her, however, make sure the timing is right and that you try and educate her on the situation. I feel that many people are ignorant about this virus and that is why they react the way that they do. I can honestly say that if someone told me they had h, I would probably run too, but since I have educated myself about the virus, I know how to handle it and would not leave the person, especially if I felt they were worth being with. All that you can do is try. I know that rejection is not good and especially when you are dealing with this virus. But I can remember when I was rejected by someone and this was before I had the virsus. So, rejection can take place regardless. I am just happy to hear that you are trying to live your life despite of this virus. That is all that I was trying to say to you in the other posts. I know that you are going through a tough time as well as I am. I cry myself to sleep as well as cry throughout the day. We have to support each other and encourage each other to keep on trying and live your life as productively as possible.

[InShock]

This may seem a little shovenist but coming from a guys perspective, I have not seen or heard of a man turning down a woman (that he is attracted to.) I know it does happen, but I have several female friends that are infected and not one of them have ever, not once, been turned down.

On the other hand, as a man, I have been turned down a couple times by women that I had a great friendship/relationship with extreme physical attraction. These were women that I felt would never say no. This definitely makes it hard. Rejection, by someone you have deep feelings for, hurts.

On the plus side, I have also had a couple casual relationships that my partners weren't too worried about it. Just goes to show, you never know.

I think it's just the opposite. I think women are far more accepting than men about this type of thing... I don't know a man alive who would risk his "family jewels" for a girl. And I don't blame them. If I was uninfected, I would not risk it either. (Even though I am a woman)

[Snow-man]

I think it's just the opposite. I think women are far more accepting than men about this type of thing... I don't know a man alive who would risk his "family jewels" for a girl. And I don't blame them. If I was uninfected, I would not risk it either. (Even though I am a woman)

I am an uninfected man and have just started a relationship with a wonder woman who told me she was infected. This did not change anything, I am willing to risk anything for her. Not all guys are bad.

SM

[lajc]

Making moves

Hi,

You should make a move if you like this person. Herpes is not a prison sentence in which it means you cannot be "social" anymore. With any new relationship there is going to skeletons in the closet. You are just going to have share your secret. Honesty is always the best policy. I am in a long term relationship. I told him when "sexual" issues were coming up in our phone conversations. He didn't run - he didn't care. He was more upset with the fact the loser who gave it to me was a jerk. We both worked with him and he wanted to get even. We discussed safe sex and read different papers on the subject (I think he did it to make me happy). He decided to take the risk of getting it. We are trying to expand family. I know if we would ever break up he would tell his next partner he was exposed and I would tell whoever I have it. There are some really great guys out there. I wouldn't say women are more understanding. I have known some that if you have it - you are the slutty type (stereotyping).

Go for it. Just work it out one day at a time.

Good Luck!!

[ETRUMP]

Sure it is ethical to make the first move, just make sure you tell them before putting them at risk. It most likely wont be the biggest decision they will have to make in a life time. I think it is best to be friends for a while and see if it could feesibly work before making any moves. Also, then you will know whether you can trust them or not. Or at least have a good idea about it.

[Merri]

52 and don't know if i have the mental strength to move on

actually, when i was 34 i met a guy that i thought would be a one night stand...he used a condom....

i have no clue how it happened, or what i said (it's been such a long time), but for all of those 14 yrs (he was 14 yrs younger than me too, lol)...i got the equipment from U of L gyno and he kept using them and even tho i felt something in the 1st 2 yrs w/him...ON him, he refused to believe he might have it too...b4 we met...

now...he's 39, i'm 52, and he's left me for a 37 yr old woman in another state (met her the 2nd week in Jan, 1 week later i found out i was kicked to the curb)....so i'm not only getting back into the single life at a bad age but having to deal w/how do i tell the next guy about my disease???

when you're young, esp nowadays....you have so many ppl might meet that either have it also, lol, or that can deal w/it....

when you're my age...not only do you have to deal w/very few ppl my age, but then those like, 10 outta 100, might be able to deal w/or have it....

so...last week i went out for the first time in 14 years....w/GH....i found out it's in a female's best interest to GET HIS PHONE # instead of giving out yours, but....

i'm affection-starved....the sex is mostly to make the guy happy cause on top of everything else, i'm going thru menopause....then again, if i find a guy my age he might not care since we have maybe 10 more sex years, lol...but again, he might....i'm trying so hard to imagine some guy buying me a beer and after i say thank you, saying oh by the way...i've got....

i'm beginning to believe, after all i've seen and heard, tho, that by the time a 24 yr old now, gets to be my age later....you'll be lucky to find someone who ONLY has GH instead of something worse...but then again...in those 30 yrs, there'll prob be a cure for this, so have faith.....

damn i'm so old and don't feel it....and yet i have very little time to find a man who could not only love my old ass but deal w/GH too...

so if there's any older guys out there, pls respond, i'll prob be on here every night now that i've found ya'all...just to see if i can find someone to help me deal w/this....i go out maybe twice a month, and i meet men, and ...HINT....GET THE GUY'S PHONE #....DON'T GIVE YOURS...w/or w/o GH, lol...

i go out w/the happy mask on....i get a phone # or 2, i come home and put on my tragedy mask, throw their #'s away, and sit here and cry, and cry, and cry...until next month's ck comes it....it's such a vicious cycle, and it's so not good for me, but i have nobody else in this world but my mom, and i'm so tired of the single life b/s....

and that's why i'm here and so glad i found ya....cause i'm totally alone now, and i have no more of an idea what i'm doing in the single life than i did almost 20 yrs ago....

[metalmama]

rejected

I have a good male friend who is involved with someone else. He has been a plutonic friend for years. I was depressed and going thru a divorce with the man who I now know gave me asymptomatic herpes. He kept on pressing me why I didn't settle because I have enough money in my life and wouldn't stop thinking this was the cause of my sadness. I lost it and told him I had H. He told me he understood and would want revenge too. But the next morning I went to give him a hug and he backed away. I felt really weird because he was the first person I told. Maybe its my age bracket 40-50 that makes it different. Most of you are younger. Also I live in the South and work at a conservative place

[Caliope]

Okay folks I know this is tough but you seem to be painting yourselves into a corner rather than opening the door and looking around.

Usually by the time we aren't in our 20's, 30's or 40's the numbers of people who have infectious conditions has increased not gone down.

The problem lies more in the fact that they also are more set in their ways, they are more picky and they have more health issues not to mention relationship baggage.

Try not to sell yourselves short. You can find a great companion who will accept you. Heck you might be more picky now than you were when you were 20. I know I am.