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hermia

Dating inside the community

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hermia

I've had one date with a gentleman who is also "in the club". We don't have a lot in common but I'm going to go for it as much as I can.

It just seems simpler to date inside the community.

I'm struggling with all the usual anxiety that comes with being in the first few weeks of a relationship...

.... should I call him or wait for him to call me

.... why isn't he calling me

.... why doesn't he say something about how he feels

... should I say something about how I feel

... how do I feel

and I'm thinking... as nerve wracking as all this is...

imagine how much worse it would be if I had to worry about having THE TALK too.

Once upon a time, I wouldn't have even though of dating this guy. I mean he's a lovely fellow and all, I just know that we don't have a lot in common.

But NOW, I am totally going to try and make this into a relationship.

Is that crazy or what?

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Hottfoxxy

I feel what ur saying here.. I feel that we get to the point of being so scared about having the talk and fear of rejection and embarrassment that we choose someone who is wrong for us... It's pretty sad that people have no idea what the torment that we go through to try to live a normal life again.. Yes everything else in our lifes is still normal but face it ur sex life is forever changed... Don't bullshit and say it hasn't changed because it has... I'm not saying u personally just and overall statement... I feel for myself that sex is no longer an option for me unless it's with someone who has this fuck of a disease.. I will not put myself through the pain of trying to tell someone and feel embarrassed and dirty because that's never gonna change for me... No matter what anyone says.. U should be happy for u don't settle just because he has herpes if ur strong and I know u are find someone u truly are a match for herpes or no herpes u can do it..

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Fairy dust

Hi hermia

I agree with Branmakmorn

Please don't settle for second best - you will regret it in the end and its not really fair on the guy either.

you are more than just a girl with herpes - you are a whole personality and spirit, it would be tragic to live your life defined by a stupied virus.

Get out there, educate yourself, have a good scream if needs be then hold your head high and move on.

The right guy is out there somewhere but you will not find him if you hide behind the label of having H.

You can do all the things you ever wanted to before diagnoses so please try to dig your way out of this confining place you find yourself in and wake up to a world of possibility!!

Love will come when the time is right, I promise x

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Guest AlUrker

I have to agree... don't settle and it isn't fair to lie him or yourself. What would you do if you were to meet Mr. Right while trying to make this work? The key here is "Once upon a time, I wouldn't have even though of dating this guy. I mean he's a lovely fellow and all, I just know that we don't have a lot in common. " You're not into him and it's going to show eventually.

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Cymenthy

I agree completely. When you are alone (especially at night, tossing and turning and unable to sleep), thoughts of just being with someone (anyone) can be great, and settling for someone who is not right for you all of a sudden dosen't seem so bad, especially when you are getting as old as I am! That being said, being with the wrong person can be as bad as being alone. I was with the wrong person for several years because I convinced myself that that was as good as it was going to get. Upon reflection, had I been free I might have actually found the right person. Of course that was before the virus appeared. Now, I am not sure of anything anymore. I, too, am looking inside the community, but having little luck. I live in a small town, and everyone on internet sites is so far away! Guess there are no guarantees, and you have to play with the hand you are dealt.

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Createss Galore

I prefer to focus on meeting someone in the H community too. It's just too much for me to have to find the right time to tell someone, and the possibility of what could happen if they take it the wrong way. I also don't want to live through passing it on to someone in the long run, should he accept me and we enter a LTR. I just feel that there are too many ways to pass it on, no matter how hard you try not to. Too many possible new OB locations, and too much shedding/prodrome.

I know that love is a choice, but I don't think it's good though to accept anyone and to make do. I know it's hard and can seem harder now to meet someone, but it's best to keep waiting and having faith. I know how you feel, but having H shouldn't change our wise ways of thinking, and behaving. We should still have the same considerations for ourselves and others that we had before. That means waiting for someone for whom we can have respect and admiration, and truly be attracted to and care for, and vice versa.:knuddel:

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Cymenthy

You are so right. It is just that lonesome is so compellling, and it is so easy to fool oneself. One reason I keep coming back to this site is to stay grounded and focused.

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Createss Galore
....lonesome is so compellling, and it is so easy to fool oneself....

And wasn't it similar to that before we got H? It's funny how having H makes us suddenly feel that the same old rules, considerations and guidelines for conducting our lives do not apply anymore.

It's like if I can just find a piece of a person I'll be so happy as long as they have H like me because I'll probably never find anybody it's been too long there's not enough men active on the sites I can't connect with others where I live, it's so hard to meet people etc.,etc.,etc....lol!

The thing is that H does not change who people are. Good people are still good people. Bad people are still bad people. Anybody with H does not suddenly become a great prospect. Frightful relationships are still unwisely made in the H community, so we have to use the same barometers that we were trying to use before to build good, healthy, lasting relationships, if that's what a person wants.

I know I do, and I battle desperation too. But I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to get into an unhappy miserable relationship that began on a poor foundation.

I had enough of that before I got H. :fight:

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Cymenthy

Beautively said. What wonderful insight. Thank you.

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Iridewheelies

Yeah your talking crazy. Sounds like you are putting wayyyyy to much thought into this. Breathe, try and relax. Sounds like your not yet ready to start dating. You haven't yet come to grips with having h. Which your going to have to do before you try dating anyone. No it's not ok to "try" and date this guy you have no compatability with besides being positive. Try living a little and coming a little more comfortable in your own skin. Will work wonders I promise

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Kate

I dated "inside the community" and honestly one of the best and most fufilling relationships I have ever had in my whole life. He was perfect. And the truth is h didn't even cross our minds. We liked each other for who we were.

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Cymenthy

My mind knows you are right, and I want to be comfortable with myself. I don't feel "dirty" like lots of people seem to. I understand that this is just a virus. It's just that being lonesome gets in the way. Even before I got herpes, dating was not easy. There are just not that many single men my age in my area, and most of the ones I did meet were only interested in one thing, and that is just not me. Age is another thing. Heck, I may be the oldest person on this site, even though I don't feel like it! However, I am going to try and relax and take things easy, and not go off the deep end and make any hasty decisions.

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Createss Galore
....It's just that being lonesome gets in the way. Even before I got herpes, dating was not easy. There are just not that many single men my age in my area, and most of the ones I did meet were only interested in one thing, and that is just not me. Age is another thing. Heck, I may be the oldest person on this site, even though I don't feel like it!....

I try to spend most of my time at the 55+ Forum. Dating was a challenge before HSV, but it can be seen as a help now in that it can cause us to narrow our search (for those who stay within). Unfortunately, there is even less available within because so many HSV men are not on the sites, or don't participate enough if they are members, etc. Many prospects I'm sure don't even feel comfortably computer literate to try online socializing.

As far as some men being interested in casual sex, to me it's no different than how it was before H out there. That's why no H person should abandon their plans, values, morals, commitments, etc., out of desperation for companionship. If you wouldn't want to do it out there, why mistreat yourself and do it in here.

I think it's easier, the older and more experienced a person is, to be strong, stand firm and wait. It also takes doing things, participating both online and off, coming up with ways to be sociable, and working hard to keep posting, fleshing out your profile, making yourself known, and never stopping.

Most people just don't feel like trying, or continuing to try for that matter, but it is the haphazard and sporadic trying that causes a person to not reach their goal about meeting someone suitable. People come and go at the sites, don't make their profiles attractive, rarely visit and post, etc.

I can't participate like I want to. If I could, I'd be here every day. I've got to get some more pics too. When I found this site I liked it so much that I made up my mind to stay here and participate regularly, no matter how far apart my visits have to be.

It's so hard being lonely, but it always was. Do you think that living with HSV makes us feel that it was improbable that we'd connect with someone before, and now with HSV it's impossible?

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Createss Galore
....There are just not that many single men my age in my area,....

Cymenthy: With the single man count being so low in your area, was the chance of meeting someone before HSV a lot greater? I'm asking because living in a less populated area does greatly reduce chances of connecting. But for that matter, living in Atlanta or JAX, with thousands of more people, can result in a big 'ole zero too!

I guess sometimes a person has to consider widening their area of search, deciding if either or both can and would relocate, building a long-distance LTR, and eventually making the move. I don't like the thoughts of this because I don't have the time, nor can I afford a long-distance relationship.

I guess it comes down to how badly a person really wants it :hmmmm2: and how valuable it is.

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Cymenthy

Dating pool here low. The people I did meet before the h were mostly from out of town. The man I dated for three years was from Savannah, which is not too far away, and I thought there might possibly be a future there, but that did not work out, and as I look back, I realize it would not have worked. I knew him all that time, and he would not even tell his family. Now, the closest people seem to be in Atlanta, and that is a bit far for a real relationship. I see group activities there also which look like fun. There is a man from there I may just decide to meet. Who knows, it's just a date, and not a life long commitment. I guess it is just fear, but what the heck, I am alone now so the worst that could happen is that I will still be alone, and who knows, it might work. Just going to pray about it.

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hermia

This is just a quick note... just to let you all know that sometimes it works out... I met someone through Positive Singles... so we never had to have THE TALK, but we have talked about all sorts of other things. Just past the three month hurdle... One thing about dating over 55... it's really hard to merge lives together... we've both worked so hard over so many years to have the lives we have... to have to compromise..even just changing which night I go swimming... it's hard.

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Cymenthy

It's wonderful that you have met someone. I understand about merging lives, but if the love is there, maybe it will all work out.

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Createss Galore
....I met someone through Positive Singles....so we never had to have THE TALK, but we have talked about all sorts of other things....One thing about dating over 55... it's really hard to merge lives together... we've both worked so hard over so many years to have the lives we have... to have to compromise..even just changing which night I go swimming... it's hard.

Congrats, hermia, on your 3-mo mark. Of course 55+ are set in their ways, lol. It is unique and a challenge to combine lives. But it sure is worth the effort to not be alone anymore, and to still enjoy our space. That's one of the keys for me...not being under each other all the time, but belonging to each other.

As far as changing what night you go swimming, some things should not be changed, by either side. I don't know if your swimming night is one of those, but you know what I mean.

Take care and have a great week!

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Createss Galore
Dating pool here low. The people I did meet before the h were mostly from out of town. The man I dated for three years was from Savannah, which is not too far away, and I thought there might possibly be a future there, but that did not work out, and as I look back, I realize it would not have worked. I knew him all that time, and he would not even tell his family. Now, the closest people seem to be in Atlanta, and that is a bit far for a real relationship. I see group activities there also which look like fun. There is a man from there I may just decide to meet. Who knows, it's just a date, and not a life long commitment. I guess it is just fear, but what the heck, I am alone now so the worst that could happen is that I will still be alone, and who knows, it might work. Just going to pray about it.

Atlanta does have at least 2 active social groups, and a monthly support group at Piedmont Hospital. I lived there for 5 years and participated in some. I understand if it's too far away, because you would only participate sporadically, which wouldn't get you very far. And you probably really wouldn't enjoy yourself much, thinking about how far you'd come, how far you had to go to get home, and how long would it be before you could come back again.

But if you go on the date, good luck and God protect you. Be careful.

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jamesg
I try to spend most of my time at the 55+ Forum. Dating was a challenge before HSV, but it can be seen as a help now in that it can cause us to narrow our search (for those who stay within). Unfortunately, there is even less available within because so many HSV men are not on the sites, or don't participate enough if they are members, etc. Many prospects I'm sure don't even feel comfortably computer literate to try online socializing.

As far as some men being interested in casual sex, to me it's no different than how it was before H out there. That's why no H person should abandon their plans, values, morals, commitments, etc., out of desperation for companionship. If you wouldn't want to do it out there, why mistreat yourself and do it in here.

I think it's easier, the older and more experienced a person is, to be strong, stand firm and wait. It also takes doing things, participating both online and off, coming up with ways to be sociable, and working hard to keep posting, fleshing out your profile, making yourself known, and never stopping.

Most people just don't feel like trying, or continuing to try for that matter, but it is the haphazard and sporadic trying that causes a person to not reach their goal about meeting someone suitable. People come and go at the sites, don't make their profiles attractive, rarely visit and post, etc.

I can't participate like I want to. If I could, I'd be here every day. I've got to get some more pics too. When I found this site I liked it so much that I made up my mind to stay here and participate regularly, no matter how far apart my visits have to be.

It's so hard being lonely, but it always was. Do you think that living with HSV makes us feel that it was improbable that we'd connect with someone before, and now with HSV it's impossible?

Hi C,

I appreciate your wise comments & positive outlook.

Your post(s) are part of the reason I participate on this site: there are those of us over 55 & intelligent enough to know some H facts & how to apply such

to improving our lives with H or otherwise.

I've had HSV-2 since about 1980, when my wife ran off & returned with H.

We stayed together for 37 yrs, & she died 12-12-10.

Oddly, I did have many outbreaks for many years until after she died.

I think my diet was wrong & I've since read about how to improve that & have started to do so.

It was ignorance, not motivation re. diet.

To conclude, I add to your "positive" viewpoints:

Having H outbreaks has caused me to finally appreciate women as complete Beings,

& without the sex aspect as initially a compatibility factor of importance.

I now am open to be-friending physically not so great ladies.

We chat & enjoy mutual events/activities.

Thus, H really has had an impact on me maturing to my chronological age (74 in Jan.).

There is always a positive side to every action or event. I have wanted to "tone down"

my sex drive, as I knew I was missing out on "spiritual" & simple enjoyment of

what I was not so aware of being so "horny".

Too bad I live on Martha's Vineyard (Island) off of Cape Cod.

The population here is small so persons do not divulge that

they have H, so "the talk" has resulted in my finding "friends",

who probably are looking for a man without H for a full

relationship without H.

Since I am "wealthy" I run the risk of being sued for infecting

a :negative" woman. That is an added burden for me a "positive"

person. Ha! Such a problem (being wealthy). :)

My best to all your sensitive and honest ladies.

I hope I meet up with such a lady; but this Forum helps me

to continue to grow in maturity & maybe even some happiness.

Jim

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hermia

Hermia update... well, it's been 28 months in the club and I've been dating in the community exclusively and YES, I did meet someone really really nice and sweet and wonderful. I am 56 and he is 51. So hang in there everyone... romance never dies.

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jamesg
Hermia update... well, it's been 28 months in the club and I've been dating in the community exclusively and YES, I did meet someone really really nice and sweet and wonderful. I am 56 and he is 51. So hang in there everyone... romance never dies.

thank you for sharing your success. It is not any different finding a compatible mate if both are "positive'.

Age, location & other factors become barriers to finding a "positive" mate. I live on an Island you know.

Jim

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Kate

Keep your heads up guys! I am dating someone in the community and he is the love of my life. So special and amazing, I wouldn't have it any other way.

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MNgirlstuckinFL

Need info in attempting to date inside the community...like where to start on here?

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