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This wasn't suppose to happen to someone like me!


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Always anal (no pun intended, ha!) about catching any STD or STI, I never jumped into bed with anyone causually and would grill a potential partner regarding their history and how recently they had been tested for EVERYTHING. I would name off each STD/STI to get the yes or no. In hindsight, this was a useless act to make me feel safe before sleeping with someone new.

My first exposure to herpes was through a guy I dated just after college. 25 years older and incredibly fun, he was quite the bachelor and playboy. I did the grilling and he answered no to everything. Somewhere in the middle of our relationship, he refused to have sex with me saying he was tired from work. The refusal lasted a month. I kept thinking he just wasn't into me as much anymore, but he wanted to keep dating me and things eventually returned to normal. Then, a few months later, it happened again. At this point, I started taking it personally. That is until I nicely agreed to clean his walk-in closet (we were semi-cohabitating) and a shoe box on the top shelf tumbled open and out fell his prescription to Valtrex. When I confronted him about it with prescription in hand, he first denied anything, then said no he didn't have herpes, but had an occasional breakout which is why he really wasn't having sex with me. Of course, ever parnoid, I wanted full disclosure, but he didn't have much info nor did he want to discuss it. He still to this day is in denial he has herpes and just has "outbreaks". After we broke up, I was tested and was uninfected. I became super anal about staying "pure".

I then dated someone for 4 years in a long distance relationship. Every year at my annual gyno appointment, I got tested for everything and came back in good health. Then we broke up.

I started dating someone new. After several dates, he wanted to get serious, but I wasn't ready. So I held off. Something in my gut told me to be safer with him as he was from a larger city on the coast. I even wrote it in my journal and told it to my good friend. I finally started relenting and did the STD inquisition. He let me know he was spic n span clean and had been recently tested. I asked him to wear a condom and he said again he was clean and I was on the pill. I still wasn't comfortable with it, but I slept with him. I slept with him 4 terrrible times before deciding both the sex and personality were not for me.

My long distance ex and I started talking again about 20 days after I ended it with the new guy. That's when I noticed an ingrown hair in the area where my pubic hair would be if I didn't shave it. Now, I have gotten ingrown hairs in the past. So, I didn't think anything of it, until it seemed to get infected and keep me up at night (maybe that was the panic, but it was uncomfortable). I called my obgyn and got a preliminary diagnosis that yes it did look like HSV-2. A test of the lesion and my blood was sent off to the lab.

Once the doctor gave the preliminary diagnosis, her voice kind of turned into the teacher's voice in a Charlie Brown cartoon. I heard nothing but my own heart, panic, and toilet flush of how I had previously envisioned my life. I was angry and confused because I had my shit together and this just wasn't suppose to happen. I was able to listen just enough to hear that condoms are no guarantee in preventing it and most likely I had recently been exposed, although the hibernation theory was possible and rare. When I did get my prognasis it was that the lesion was positive and the blood was all negative for HSV-1 and 2, confirming it was a recent exposure.

I had two people to confront. My long distance ex was very very supportive even with my personal freakout. He has been really good even though we both do not understand the implications to our sex life (his risk, my risk for oral if we have sex and I go down on him, etc). I have found this website one of the more helpful as most other sites make you feel like it is going to spread every where, cause blindness, and you will be a leper of society left to die alone as abstinence is the only path.

I confronted the guy whom I dated right after my ex in person. I wanted to see his reaction to know if he knew and had lied. He actually seemed shocked and said he would get tested. He came back positive for HSV-1 and HSV-2. As he likes to say, the HSV-2 came back in the gray or cusp area for positive. I wanted to smack him, but instead I told him good luck with the cusp theory for his next partner. Then I found out his recent testing he proclaimed when trying to get involved with me had occurred 4 years prior before he even got divorced!

I guess I suffer from the stigma of herpes that consumed my parents' era and this recent diagnosis has sent me into an anxiety-panic ridden agony. I have cried quite a bit even though my ex now boyfriend again is giving me mental support. I feel like I am scared to wipe myself when I pee for fear of spreading it. In the past 4 weeks, I only cleared up a few days before it returned again. The infector offered to pay for the meds as the pills are about $6.50 each. I laughed in bad nature and asked how long he felt it would be appropriate to pay (a year, 5 years, 10, the rest of my life!!!!!!!!!!!). He didn't have an answer and I can tell you that a year supply of pills isn't going to make it better. Suing him or beating him to a pulp if possible wouldn't make me feel better. The infector wants to give our relationship another shot, but there is no chance in hell. I am disgusted with him, my body, my stupidity for not listening to my gut, and fear of having sex.

I broke down and confided in a friend whom actually had a lot of advice on the subject including vitamin C and Lysine. The valtrex I have been taking gives me hang-over like headaches in the morning and my eyeballs physically hurt to move. Not sure if that's the valtrex or herpes.

Any advice on sex with uninfected partner?

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To Ciabella,

I truly feel your pain. I am going through a tough time also. To answer your question, it is going to be up the partner. If the uninfected person is willing to be with you, then they have accepted the idea that they could contract it. It is no guarantee that the uninfected person will not get it at some point. There are precautions that you could do to decrease the chances of infecting your partner, however, it is still the posibility. So, like I said, it is really going to be up to the partner whether or not they are willing to take the risk. It is good to know that your long distance ex is being supportive of you. Do you think that you all have a chance of being together?

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My long distance boyfriend does not seem too fazed by it as he is older and seems to have a better perspective on it than me, even saying " There are far bigger and worse things that could go wrong and this is not one of them." We just can't figure out the sex part. So far, I have only given him oral sex until we can figure it out. He doesn't seem concerned if he gets it (and no he does not secretly already have it). It's more panic on my end. One of my most specific questions is if I have intercourse with him and go down on him, could I get the HSV-2 on my mouth then (even if there is no outbreak)? Also, what's the point of condoms if where my breakout has been occuring wouldn't be where the condom/ penis is? My outbreak is in the pubic hair region on the edge of the vulva (I think that's what it's called). It hasn't been on the labia or vagina.

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Well, if he is not concerned about it, then why should you? You have crossed the bridge that a lot of us are trying to cross. Most of us with herpes are trying to find that person, who is going to accept us with this virus and you already have it. If he is already supporting you and he is not bothered by the fact that you have it, then what are waiting for? In regard to contracting it by having oral sex while there are no symptoms, I am not sure about that. I know there is a shedding period even when you do not have symptoms and you can infect someone, but in regard to oral, I am not totally sure. I wish you the best and if I were you I would be trying to enjoy my relationship and not worry about the virus (especially when he is not). :)

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i've fallen off my own high horse

i understand. i took alot of pride in being uncontaminated by STD, emotional baggage, or all the other crap that comes with having sex. in fact, i stayed a virgin until i was 21 and my husband is the 2nd person i've ever had sex with. certainly not from lack of opportunity, but lack of a harmless, trustworthy, and decent human being to share sex with.

and well, now i have GH. my husband has a history of cold sores, its probably how i contracted it. now with my diagnosis, i can't ever have that pride anymore. i went from being something clean, highly-prized, and pure to something dirty, infectious, and revolting the moment i was diagnosed.

it's a fat helping of humble pie.

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    • CHT
      Hello "FeelingLost".... your fears and concerns are understandable but, nothing you've described regarding the sexual encounter would cause you to contract herpes.... further, your symptoms are not herpes related.  Best of all, your doctor is correct, your results don't show any herpes here.  You can relax.... definitely have your GP take a look at things and see what might be causing the symptoms but, again, none of them are typical herpes related.  I wish you the best in terms of talking to your wife about this encounter.... hopefully she will understand and you both can work through this amicably.  We all make mistakes.... be careful not to beat yourself up too hard over this.... you can become so racked with guilt that you start imagining physical symptoms.  Best of luck.... and take care..... come back to the site if you have questions.
    • FeelingLost75
      Hi (I’m really scared and feel really disappointed in myself and worried about my future), I had oral sex with a condom almost 3 weeks ago and a massage parlor. I also received a hand job at the same time prior to putting a condom on, also may have rubbed my penis on her back a little. Did not touch her genitals I don’t recall any sores on her back. After the event she handed me a pice of TP and after I took off the condom I wiped my penis head to clear away the excess ejaculation…this is where I suspect I got infected, she had just gone pee and wiped and maybe touched a sore or something and then I got it on my penis from the tp? Idk. I’m just flailing.   After this I’ve had discomfort on the skin below the head of my penis and 4 bumps for 2 weeks now, the bumps don’t seem to have changed in size. I also had frequent urination for about a week and have had dull pain in my groin on and off. I also have some pins and needles on the sides of my abdomen/trunk that get worse when I go out in the heat or get dehydrated. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping, likely due to guilt and shame and worry about the future.   so I got one test done at 10 days from the event (idk know if this can tell me anything… the doctor assured me it was 100% correct and I don’t have herpes. I was not physically examined). I got a full panel std. neg for everything. HSV-1 results: IgG 0.3 / HSV-2 IgG 0.9 hsv-1 IgM = 2.2 hsv-2 IgM = 3.0 (Reference V. Negative: Less than 9.0 Borderline: 9.0 to 11.0 Positive: Greater than 11.0) I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday, hoping he can help. Will likely go to a std testing service tomorrow to see if I can get in an antiviral proactively. Plan to get tested again this week.    
    • TS4real
    • FeelingLost75
      How are you doing now?
    • TS4real
      May 13 ( day I will never forget).. a guy I was dating and I drank way to much and decided to have anal sex. We did use protection however, not enough lube, wasn’t done correctly and it was painful. So bad that I yelled out and fell off the bed. Anyway, oral was also performed on me anal and vaginal. Flash forward to 3-4 days after that. I was in the most intense pain I had ever felt. I went to a gyn she tool one look and said it looks like herpes. She swabbed me . 2 days after that, yes it’s HSV1 . I was still in pain, irritated anal area and vaginal area and It was unbearable.  today, I still have irritation and itchy and when I pass a bowel i’m in pain and the itch is crazy.     When I first was diagnoses the gyn gave me valtrex which I did not take bc I was in so much pain I could not move for 2 days.  Groin lymphs were swollen I had fever , tired etc.  I am wondering if I had taken the valtrex would it have kinda liked stopped the virus in it’s tracks enough to reproduce? Do people see a correlation between no more outbreaks and immediate initial valtrex  use ? I am 43, I never thought this wound happen as I am not a promiscuous person, I hardly date and I always use protection when I do have intercouse , have yearly std tests. I’m just so sad that i’m at this point right now . I’m trying not to get depressed but this is making my body feel miserable. I’m an avid runner and biker and mom of two teens. I feel like my life as I knew is over. I want to feel better already.
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