I need to talk to someone who has been through this....

[Kristin]

Hello everyone, First I want to thank you all for being here. If I don't talk to someone soon I think i'm going to lose my mind.

I have been living with H for 17 years now and I have had very mild, infrequent outbreaks (only 1 every couple of years or so) and can always tell when they are comming about. I used to take Valtrex daily as a preventative but it got too expensive for me when I was no longer able to get health ins. I have always been honest and upfront as far as telling potential partners that I have it. Fortunately they respected that and stayed with me regardless. As far as passing the virus to anyone it's never happened, until now... I have been dating someone for about 2 1/2 years now and couldn't ask for anyone better. He is the most loving, caring, respectful man I have ever known. He just told me that I gave him H and that he's been hiding it from me for a few months. I feel such massive guilt that I don't know if I can live with myself. I can't even function normally anymore. It's all I can think about. I did this to him. I used to think that I was a good person, and was proud of who I was. Not anymore. I don't know how to move on. He still wants to continue our relationship but things are different now. I know how I felt and still feel every time i'm reminded of it , towards the person who did this to me. I love him so much. It's killing me, knowing everything he's going through now, because of me. All I ever wanted to do was make him happy, and protect him from harm. Now, it's me who's hurt him in one of the worst ways. He will never forget it either and he won't admit it but I know that inside... he resents me for it.

Please, if there is anyone out there who has passed this on to someone they love, talk to me. No matter how horrible the truth may be.

[tothefuture]

Kristin, to be honest I think you sound a bit self-obsessed and a bit patronising. It sounds as if you're more concerned about how him catching it is effecting you more than anything. If I was him, I think I'd feel guilty for catching it! Why do you think you know how he feels and thinks, better than he does. Not everyone sees this as a trauma. My boyfriend doesn't (I do). If he says he's ok with it - then believe him. He must think a lot about you to have taken the risk. You say you love him. You're togethrer. You get infrequent outbreaks. No-one's died. The world hasn't come to an end.

[Guest dangermouse]

My ex-girlfriend had genital herpes, after catching it from someone who did not have the honesty you had to warn your partner. But when I was with her, she had already let go of that anger. It was me who had to be calmed down! I would say that IF your partner is angry at all, it would be with the person from whom you caught the virus, rather than at you. And like me, he will work his way through that anger. You need to do the same.

[Kristin]

O.k., after re-reading my post I can see why you would say that i'm self obsessed. Maybe I am. I do feel massive guilt though. I realize that having H isn't a death sentence and it really isn't THAT bad, but he does not know that. The stigma of having it and having to have "the talk" before getting involved really is the worst part. He does treat me differently now (more distant, not as passionate, etc..) and I feel uncertain about our future now.

Thanks for the input. I will work through the anger I have towards myself and the person who gave this to me. I thought that I had already done that, until I passed it on to him and now it's just a matter of having to deal with it all over again.

[BoxofRain]

Don't beat yourself up.....remember it was him who decided to take the risk.....knowing full well the potential for him to get it. He cared enough for you to take the risk so do not feel too upset. You did not lie, you did not deceive.....you told the truth, he stuck by you, and eventually got it too....a risk he was willing to take. He is working through this now too and absorbing it all so maybe he is just adjusting and it is appearing as he is being distant. I hope things work out.

[Kristin]

Thank you... It's amazing how talking about it can help. I have to consider and respect his privacy now, so I can't talk to anyone who knows us.. I am so thankful for this website. I will definately be visiting often. It's good to know that you're not alone. I've been looking around, (reading other posts of course) and can relate to it all.

[tothefuture]

I could be wrong but maybe the way you're behaving differently - I bet you are even if you don't realise - is making him behave differently. Maybe he hasn't changed as much as you think. I hope you both work through this ok.

[Kristin]

It's funny you should say that. I was thinking about that last night. I have talked to him a few times since then and have been trying to act like my old self again. It's the only way to get through this. I'm sure he doesn't want to be reminded of it every time he talks to me. I feel alot better after talking to you guys. Thanks again!

[ladylid]

My boyfriend has given me H and I only have been diagnosed in the last few days. He feels horrible and guilty and cant stop crying. He himself did not know he had it. It has been a very difficult few days, but I'm not mad at him. He didnt know and didnt mean to put me at risk. I have to just accept it. Being angry at him isnt worth it.

[nimil]

He knew the risk and stayed around!!

If he was that upset or resented you, he would have left already. He obviously was hiding it from you because he knew how you would react. You seem to be more upset about this than he does. Be there for him, be supportive and everything will be fine.

[Support1]

To Kristin:

If I were you, I would not focus so much energy on infecting him. I know that it is affecting you because you are human, however, he decided to stay with you after you told him, therefore, he knew the risk. If your boyfriend is okay with it, then you should be also. I honestly think that the person who gave it to me already knew, but did not tell me and when I got it he tried to say that he did not have it. So, the fact that you are being honest with your partners is a wonderful thing. Most of us are wishing for the opportunity to find a person who will overlook herpes. In conclusion, just focus on the relationship and the wonderful fact that you all are in love. Some people without herpes cannot even find that (love). Take care of yourself!

[Kristin]

Thanks guys, yes I am very lucky to have found such a wonderful person. That's why I feel all the more guilty about passing herpes to him. We are working on it though. Things are slowly getting back to normal. We have had a rough few weeks, for other reasons as well, I was concerned that he was staying with me because he felt as though he may be stuck with me now but that's not the case at all. We went out last night and had a good time (for the first time in a while), came home and had a very loving evening together. We really needed that. Without the support i've had from you ALL I don't think I would have had any idea how to handle this and would have felt so alone. THANK YOU ALL!!

[heberts]

Its okay, you were always open.

Hello everyone, First I want to thank you all for being here. If I don't talk to someone soon I think i'm going to lose my mind.

I have been living with H for 17 years now and I have had very mild, infrequent outbreaks (only 1 every couple of years or so) and can always tell when they are comming about. I used to take Valtrex daily as a preventative but it got too expensive for me when I was no longer able to get health ins. I have always been honest and upfront as far as telling potential partners that I have it. Fortunately they respected that and stayed with me regardless. As far as passing the virus to anyone it's never happened, until now... I have been dating someone for about 2 1/2 years now and couldn't ask for anyone better. He is the most loving, caring, respectful man I have ever known. He just told me that I gave him H and that he's been hiding it from me for a few months. I feel such massive guilt that I don't know if I can live with myself. I can't even function normally anymore. It's all I can think about. I did this to him. I used to think that I was a good person, and was proud of who I was. Not anymore. I don't know how to move on. He still wants to continue our relationship but things are different now. I know how I felt and still feel every time i'm reminded of it , towards the person who did this to me. I love him so much. It's killing me, knowing everything he's going through now, because of me. All I ever wanted to do was make him happy, and protect him from harm. Now, it's me who's hurt him in one of the worst ways. He will never forget it either and he won't admit it but I know that inside... he resents me for it.

Please, if there is anyone out there who has passed this on to someone they love, talk to me. No matter how horrible the truth may be.

Always talk openly, he needs to know that you are sorry, love him, and will always be there for him. It may bring you closer than you ever imagined. Pray for peace and understanding for both of you. Hug him and love him.

[Snow-man]

Kristin

I have met someone who is infected that I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Currently I am not infected, but if and when I get infected, I hope she will not feel any guilt, if she does, I would be hurt.

SM

[MikeTwo]

My girlfiend told me that she will feel terrible if I get infected, and I've told her that she better realize that I will probably get it from her and just face it! I don't want to be with anyone else, so if I do get it, it will be one more thing that we share...and it will just make us stronger!

[smh1]

Snow-Man, and MikeTwo,

All guys should feel the way you do. Thanks.

[charlie]

Hello,

My name is Charlie, I have been dating a man who is infected. He was upfront with me. I knew the consequences. I recently found out that I know have it. I will not tell him. It would crush him right now. However, I will tell him eventually. I am sure it is a difficult process. However, me and your significant other knew the consequences. I was so thankful that he was honest. It speaks volume that you can be honest.

Just know that this is not the end of the world. I don't know if you are a christian. But get your life back reclaim what the devil is trying to steal from you. Only you are getting in your way of your happiness. Your life is not doomed. I do recommend this book called the secret. This will help you with self esteem.