Lots of questions (waxing, sex, talking)

[tassle]

I'm not that new to herpes but I'm new to trying to accept it. I was diagnosed over two years ago but was in a serious relationship with someone who was in serious denial about a whole lotta shit so although it upset me the full blow and reality of life in the real world (aka after him). So here I am, we've been apart for a year and a half and for the first time last week I opened up to someone new and had sex.

I'm intimidated by sex anyway without the added stress of herpes, so this was a big step for me. I'd been casually dating this guy on and off for a long time and about 8 months ago (and before leaving the country for half a year) I told him I was infected (first person I've told beyond female friends and the ex). He took it rather well (although I was bawling!) and finally last week convinced me we could have sex and it would be okay. As far as I could tell I hadn't had an outbreak since about July 2005 so I was feeling relatively safe about not transmitting to him as I heard somewhere the risk is elevated 30 days before and after an outbreak.

Of course...less than 24 hours later there's a bump. Aaaand I cried all day. I'm trying to train myself to believe that being sexual with someone will be okay and I won't necessarily pass it on because I don't know how I could deal with the guilt if I did.... So I'll tell him this, I guess. Keep up the honesty. But where's the hope? It's too easy to sink into depressed hopeless mode and feel like I'll be celebate forever (I'm only 20...) though I'm really really trying to find positivity.

Next and more simple question. My first outbreak was about 3 days after I got a brazilian wax. The doctor said it wasn't possible to contract that way (what if the waxers use the same applicator on everyone?) and that it probably just aggravated the skin which caused the outbreak. Anyone have any experience with waxing and outbreaks?

And any tips on how to distinguish between bumps caused by ingrown hairs (that are not visible) and outbreaks?

There's a lot more, but I'll leave it at that for now. I'm glad I found this forum. It will hopefully make the whole coming to terms thing a bit easier.

[WaxedWrong]

a few questions> where u diagnosed/ and tested positive w/ the first bf? and by diagnosed/tested> i mean test were done> they didnt just eyeball it as herpes

and dont worry about the sex issue- it takes some time, but once ur comfy it will be fine, just be smart/ and safe, protect u/ and him, and if u get that tingle> dont do anything...

ahhh waxing... can u tell i know the subject from my name?

my first outbreak occured pretty much the same day i got a brazillian. i was going on vacation, it was the perfect day> and like 5 hrs after getting it done- i started w/ a really bad headache> then the "flu" like symptoms> then next morn i was walking around like nothing happened. but the next few days, i noticed more and more little pink dots appearing> peeing got extremly painfull, and at about a week in> we had sores.

i seriously, seriously thought that i had one hell of a burn, cause during it> prob one of the most painfull and ive had a few- but not what the docs said.

and i totally agree, that if the person before u had it> it might get transferred from the stick (since sure herpes cant live on stuff, but how long does it take the little suckers to die?)

and u know they hurd u through those places back to back.

but after my ob went away i swore off salon waxers, and did it myself (ive dont it before but they always just do it better) so nothing happened, no outbreak> maybe its the diffrence in the heat that might cause the irritation> to start a ob.. idk..

usually u can see the hair, underneeth a ingrown> if not try and pop it, if it has clear liquid come out, possibly a outbreak.

[tassle]

thanks...

WaxedWrong,

Thanks for your reply! I'd seen your name, so I was wondering if I was perhaps not alone. Do you know where you contracted it or do you still suspect the waxing?

Yes, I was diagnosed after a blood test while I was with my boyfriend, but he never got tested and I never insisted. As far as I know he's never been tested, but we'd already been together for so long that we kept having sex without condoms. I only had 3 outbreaks that I knew about and they were all in the same spot and felt the same (though progressively less painful). The most recent bump I'm unsure about because it's in a new spot, feels different and looks different but I also don't see any hair....

I know there's nobody who can give me all the answers, but other than condoms and not having sex when you are or might be having an outbreak are there other suggestions? I don't particularly love the idea but are female condoms any better at protection? It does feel rather hopeless knowing that even with the best protection and best intentions it can still spread...

And an ethics question...this ex of mine is still living in denial about the whole thing (it's possible but seriously unlikely that he doesn't have it as he was my first sexual partner and sorta my only source besides waxing). I know he's been sleeping around and has a new girlfriend who I don't know but is a friend of a friend. Knowing that he won't talk to her about it, does any moral obligation fall on me to give her the heads up?

[tothefuture]

No I don't think you do have any obligation to tell her. And think about your own confidentiality - you don't know her, so she could tell the whole world you have it.

[WaxedWrong]

I have no idea who gave it to me as ive only been in long term relationships> and had my partners tested after i found out which they were all negative. so its a mystery to me. possibly the waxer.. could have had it, say oraly n gave it to me.. idk.

well just watch it, its really up to you- if u think its a ob, dont have anysex-

also- there is a thread on here about female condoms, u should search for it.

personally its still a condom- and condoms arent 100% and if ur not comfortable with the idea of a fem. condom, then u dont have to use it.

mmm. thats a hard one. cause if u tell her, or drop some hints> people might find out that you have it. and might see you as the source of his herpes. but there is some right on her part to know that she is having sex w/ someone w/ a contagious life long virus and she should know. - but if he has never been tested- and u tell her, ur going to cause some drama in their relationship.

really its up to you.

[KnowledgeIsPower]

Delayed, but Hopefully Helpful

Alright, I know this died out over a year ago, but I figured I would post a reply regardless, in case it becomes helpful to anyone, like myself, who happens to stumble upon it.

Regarding the outbreak in a new location, I’ve had the same questions myself. During my first few outbreaks, I only had the blisters on the inner parts of the genital region, as well as occaionally on the buttocks. But most recently, bumps started appearing on my upper thigh, with no other signs anywhere else. For a while I wondered if they were something else, although they appeared like the blisters and were painful, yet about three weeks later, an full outbreak occurred. I’m still not positive if the bumps on my mid-thigh were precursers because they started to fade as soon as the outbreak began, but it’s something to consider. Recurrent outbreaks can occur naturally, as well as being stimulated by an outside factor, so if bumps are appearing in a new location, it may be due to an irritant in that new area. For example, increased chaffing during the summer months, or cutting yourself near that area while shaving. Either way, just monitor yourself for the next few weeks, and if no other indicators arise, you can start looking for other explanations outside the virus.

You also mentioned that you feel hopeless knowing that the virus can be spread despite your best efforts. Despite all the preventative methods, the best advice I can offer you with this dilema is to be open and honest with your partner. I don’t want to deny the emotional stress that surround the task (personally, it was a very very difficult obstacal to overcome). But, once you HAVE overcome that barrier, two very good things happen. First and foremost, finding a partner that loves and respects you despite the condition and who also realizes, like hopefully you do, that the disease in no way defines who you are, is someone worth sharing yourself with. Secondly, you would be surprised how much support you can find within a loving and accepting partner. My current boyfriend was my best friend for years before we began dating, and still, one of the most difficult decisions I ever made was telling him about the virus. Despite what I feared, he was very comforting, supportive, and understanding about the entire situation, and when it came time for us to become intimate, I felt a thousand times better knowing that he was informed. Although it plays a miniscule part in our relationship, I also feel that being able to talk to him about concerns, fears, or stressors not only helps me emotionally, but brings us closer together.

I hope this helps