Need advice

[lilome]

I'm trying to post but have never done this so I apologize if I'm saying the same things twice as it appears that I was unsuccessful the first time since I don't see what I thought I sent.

My husband of 6 years and I found out that we had this disease about 3 years ago. Other than talking to my husband, his doctor and my doctor I've never told anyone. Well...once I spoke about it privately for about a minute on line to a girl with Herpes who sent me an instant message. My husband said that chatrooms are for meeting people and he would come up with another means to deal with this. He never did. Instead, his way of dealing with this is ignoring it. I told him about my first outbreak after the diagnosis but he never told me about his. I found out when I gound the Valtrex vile in the medicine cabinet and then he admited it to me. Since then I have played his game of ignoring it. Occasionally, I've brought it up to him but the covnersation lasts about 45 seconds. I can't do this anymore.

He doesn't know that I'm here in this room. I've signed up in my regular email and he can get into it and see my welcome notice if he thinks to go in there or is looking over my shoulder when I'm in my email. I'm not hiding it but I'm not telling him either. I don't want to be pulled away from this opportunity to talk about this with people.

I'm dealing with the physical symptoms of Herpes far better than the emotional symptoms. I can't keep shutting down. I've told him this before but he is adamant about not wanting me in on line discussions. I don't want to make a problem with him but it is causing a problem for me and I'm feeling so alone.

Do I tell him that I'm here again and risk him insisting that I get out? I suppose that I'm afraid that I will want the board more than being true to him. I love him and don't want to hurt him. I also need to help myslef. Herpes is eating away at my spirit. What should I do?

[WaxedWrong]

im sorry but no person has the right/authority, to tell you what you can and cant do- OTHER then yourself. so man up girl, dont hide something that you feel is helping you... he obviously hid something, and you ended up with it - no?>

i dont think u "want the board" i think u want to feel accepted, and be able to talk openly about issues- That he will not allow you to do.

help yourself, then help eachother, if u have to leave him.... then leave him

[tothefuture]

Is he like this over different issues? Is he normally so bullying?

If he's not, then maybe he is avoiding the issue because he's also finding it hard to come to terms with. If he's not talking about it you have no way of knowing what he's thinking. Does he understand it? Does he think you've been unfaithful? Herpes is very confusing and people need time to read up on it.

It's all about communication and he's not doing his bit. If this isn't like him, then he may need some help (maybe couple counselling) but if this is how he is normally, then.........

And if he's 'hurt' about you coming on here, then I'm afraid that's his problem not yours.

[lilome]

Thanks

It isn't like him at all. He's been cheated on in the past and is insecure in that area of his life. We're also not sure who brought the disease into our relationship since neither of us knew that we had it when we met. Yes, he is struggling with this and shutting down is his way of coping. It isn't mine. Yes, I need to "manup" and insist on communication and yes I need to be sensitive to his difficulty dealing with this too. I've got some work to do but this has been very helpful. His mom is very ill and will likely pass very soon. I suppose that there will never be a good time to talk with him. I am, however, more up to looking for a moment when I must do it. I'm thankful for my faith and know that God will help me to find the strength at the right moment. Thanks again.

[tkxetf]

You deserve info.

Would it be possible for you to tell him that you NEED to know, NEED to communicate as much as he seems to need not to do so? And by your chatting with us, you are not overstepping his needs for denial... I'm trying to be delicate here, but the two of you obviously have different coping needs in this situation. You are both entitled, but no one person is entitled to determine what is or is not acceptible for another person. Could you point out to him #1 your need to communicate about this, #2 his unwillingness to participate in said communication, #3 your ability & right to be resourceful in fullfilling your own coping needs?

I hope I am not out of line in suspecting that he may feel as though he is discussing past relationship issues rather than discussing herpes. Are you able to attempt to create an atmosphere of a herpes discussion, independent of a who did what to who and when discussion? I hate to try to take on his perspective, but the whole topic may force him to confront his past regrets... it seems as though you are past the blaming and just want some sort of dialogue, in the present...which you deserve. Are you able to communicate this to him?

Just a thought. You deserve more.