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the imagination is a dangerous thing


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Well, first off I would like to say how excited I am to finally find a site where people discuss this, and it's not about trying to find someone to date who also has it.

I was diagnosed about 4 months ago. I had a boyfriend then, and we are still together, although he did not give it to me because he tested negative. How I did get it is a story I would rather not go into right away. My boyfriend has been soooo accepting of the situation, and that makes things much easIER to deal with.... but by no means easy. I have certainly come to grips with the physical aspect of HSV, but the emotional stress is obviously a much more difficult task.

I guess my biggest fear is that I might stay with him because I am afraid to ever have to tell a new partner. Maybe that sounds worse than I mean it.... hard to explain this train of thought, but I will try. If we stay together, I want it to be because I think he is the man for me, not because I'm afraid of dating as a herpes leper, and that's what it feels like it would be. Everytime a guy hits on me now, in the back of my head I just keep feeling like a false advretisment. Like on the outside I look all fine and dandy but really I'm deseased. I don't know, that's the best way I know how to explain it, and I suppose I'm not really sure what type of response I am looking for here. Guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt this way that I could bounce thoughts around with. Hope to hear from you.

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No, you're not alone!

But the alternative - staying with someone just because you have herpes, to me, would be far worse than leaving them, and at least seeing what happens. You could find someone you like, who rejects you because you have herpes - not good, but then not really the end of the world neither. You could find the man of your dreams (do they exist??!!), he could accept you totally, and live happily ever after!!!

Who knows. But none of us should sell ourselves short just because we get coldsores.

I know how you feel. You probably feel a bit guilty for having these thoughts in the first place when you're already with someone. But this is what this virus does, it tends to take over! My best advice (given to me by someone) is to try to live your life as if you don't have this virus. Easier said than done I know. But how would you feel about your boyfriend if you didn't have it? Then you'll get your answer.

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Thanks for the response. You are so right about how this is what the virus does. I used to be the most confident woman in the room... at all times. It is such a foreign thing to me to have all these doubts. I'm not quite sure what to do with them sometimes. None the less, I'm tryin. Thanks.

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Guest dangermouse
If we stay together, I want it to be because I think he is the man for me, not because I'm afraid of dating as a herpes leper, and that's what it feels like it would be.

Why can't HSV-compatibility (whether because both partners have it, or because one is prepared to accept the risk) be seen as just another factor amongst others that lead two people to stay together? Can we really claim that the stigma attached to herpes should end, if we attach stigma to it ourselves? I mean, if you are infertile, and you start dating a nice person who it just so happens doesn't want to have children, you would probably think "great, another sign that we were 'meant to be together' etc etc". Why can't HSV enjoy the same status?

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Because genital herpes is not the same as two people both agreeing not to have children (if you're infertile you can still adopt). I'm sorry but I don't think you can compare the two.

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i can totally understand what you're feeling. I also feel like I'm a "false advertisement". I on the other hand am single. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to date again. It's terrifying knowing that I'll have to try and find someone who can love me AND accept my disease, not just love me.

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It's terrifying knowing that I'll have to try and find someone who can love me AND accept my disease, not just love me.

Thanks for making that point! As if it's not hard enough finding someone that you're compatible with anyway, now I have to find one who also is willing to take on a physical health risk in order to be with me??? That blows! And unfortunately is very disheartening.

As for the comment earlier in this thread wondering how we can expect to stop the stigma of H if we adhere to it ourselves.... I agree with that point, but the fact of the matter is that until the public is willing to talk about this virus, the only people who are getting educated are the ones forced to do so because they have it. As great as it is that those infected are trying to become educated, the reality is that when you meet a new potential love intrest, they are most likely completely naieve about this situation, and the stigma is there, wether I want (or believe) it to be there or not. I feel like in order to date I have to become a sales person, convincing guys that they should risk their future on me.

I guess I wouldn't have a problem if when you met someone, you would know if it was forever, "the one".... then I wouldn't feel bad putting them at risk... but the truth is I'm 26 and have been in plenty of relationships -- some of which I even thought might be the last relationship -- but I was always wrong, and those people are now my past. Can I really feel good about myself if that continues to be the scenario and I leave a wake of disease everywhere I go?? Can I really convince myself that that's ok?? Just a thought.

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I agree with you 100% AMA..... i struggle with that same thought, about even if someone agrees to risk it with me.....is it really fair to them or right? could i eventually ever even be able to let someone who is willing to...take that risk....or like you say "leave a trail of the disease"

I personally am not ok with doing that...i know many on here are fine with it if the partner agrees to put themselves at risk but I am not willing to ruin someones sexual health forever if i am not sure they are the one....and since there is no way to know if they are "the one" then what the hell do ya do??

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