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Confused - Really need advice


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Hi everyone,

This is the first time I have ever posted at a site like this, but I really need some advice. I was diagnosed with H-2 last July, two weeks after I met the love of my life. We had sex one time and at first I thought that he had given this to me, but the blood tests showed that I had had the virus for a while. (At least that is what my doctor told me). My boyfriend tested negative and as far as I know he does not have the virus. This is where I need advice...My boyfriend and I stayed together and we have developed a very loving relationship. In fact he recently asked me if I would consider moving in with him when my current lease expires in Oct. We talk about building a life together, having children, etc.. However, my boyfriend will not discuss the herpes issue with me, nor will he give me any indication on whether he is going to be able to get past this. To make matters worse, we have not had sex or been intimate since July and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is extremely affectionate otherwise and he lets me know in so many other ways how much he loves me, but I feel like he is not being honest with himself about this issue. When I have tried to get him to talk about the herpes the only thing he has said is please be patient, "I don't know", and "he'll think about it". I've tried very hard to be patient, and to understand his fears, but I don't want to have a life without sex. I am a confident person and I am not afraid to be alone, but I can't imagine my life without him. Am I kidding myself? should I walk away? How long should I wait to see if he can accept this issue? Six months, eight months, a year? I almost broke up with him this past month, but I couldn't do it. I explained to him how this situation makes me feel, but I can't get him to open up about his feelings. He practically begged me to stay, told me he loved me and didn't want me to leave. Help! I need advice...

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Hi Cassiegirl

You sound really confident - and good for you!

I really don't know what to advise! He does need to talk about it that's for sure. And he deserves some time to think about the situation and to decide what to do. Now how long is a reasonable length of time really is up to you.

In my opinion he has had quite a long time to think about this. Maybe he does still have some questions he still needs answering. Maybe you could suggest he comes on here - to get some of his questions answered.

The problem with waiting too long is that you might start to feel a bit crappy about yourself - and you're worth more than - being with someone who in effect isn't accepting you totally.

What I liked about your post is that you say you're confident and that you're not afraid of being on your own. You had this attitiude before you got herpes and you've still got this same attitude and I can't tell you how happy that makes me - life after herpes, bring it on!!!

Personally, if I couldn't imagine my life without him, I'd give him as long as it takes - only because I haven't found anyone yet who makes me feel like that! But if you haven't told him how you feel then he certainly needs to know.

I wish you the best of luck.

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Thank you for your input - I really appreciate it. I guess I am feeling a little guilty - like I am being selfish for wanting to be intimate with my boyfriend. I mean if we are all honest - who wants to have to deal with this crap?? Am I asking too much? On the other hand, I've been honest with him from the start and I've given him the opportunity to walk away and to express how he feels. He has chosen to stay and now I feel so confused about everything because it's like sex is a non issue for him. But it is an issue!! And you are right - I do feel a little crappy because this has gone on so long. I know he loves me, but I still feel disappointed every week that goes by without any progress. Anyway, now I'm just blabbing on...my gut tells me to stick it out a little longer because I feel like he is worth it. I just don't want to wake a year from now and realize that I should have let him go (for both our sakes). If anyone out there has been in this same situation, I'd love to know how you were able to deal with it. Thanks!

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