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persuing a relationship and being educated


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I am new to this site and find it very informative and encouraging. I recently met a wonderful man who has herpes. I must say at first when he came out and told me I was a little scared. Instead of living fearful or running the other direction, I decided he is worth it. I am going to educate myself as much as I can, and I think it really helps that he is completely open to discuss all aspects of herpes. There are a few things I don't really know and am willing and open to listen if you could help with advice. I guess the first question I have is about the shedding process, what are the signs? I want to persue a romantic relationship with him including oral sex, how can I avoid getting herpes passed into my mouth? Is it only when a person is shedding or is having a breakout when herpes is contagious? Thanks to all of you on this forum it definately takes courage to be honest!

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it is nice to hear you making a sacrifice on this guy, because it gives me hope that someday someone will make that sacrifice for me!

as for your question, as far as I know, it is contagious before (the shedding period) an outbreak, during an outbreak, and after an outbreak. My guess is a week before and week after, although I'm not positive. I don't think there is any signs of shedding, I think that's just the term they us. I've heard that you feel tingling in the area before you have an outbreak, so maybe he feels different right before he has on and that might be the only way for you to know before he gets an ob.

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Guest dangermouse

Hey Melissaz,

I was in your situation a few years ago. My girlfriend had quite bad outbreaks, so we knew when to avoid sex : as soon as the "prodromal" sensations started (when she felt an outbreak coming on) and then until a few days after the sores healed. Of course, in between outbreaks there are supposed to be about an average of 15 days a year on average when people have "asymptomatic shedding" (they are contagious but don't have any visible sores at the time). For that reason, we used condoms (female ones were quite good) but didn't use suppressive therapy (Valtrex taken daily). After 18 months together, I was still negative.


PS A Californian called Daisy - you seem to me like you'll have no trouble finding a guy! Hang on in there.

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    • scurrred
      I had an IGG test  and the ranges were out of range and high  HSV 1 was 42 and HSV 2 was 19 so I guess it was accurate but the problem now is I can't figure out when or who I got it from. In 2018 to 2019 when I was with my ex I was STD tested but not sure if herpes was included but my ex was supposed to get tested but refused. I experienced some trauma with him and didn't date until a year and a half later so I'm confused. The guy I dated after the ex who didn't want to be tested I told them a week ago about my results he was trying to be there for me and understanding,I told him to get tested but to request a herpes blood test , because he had no noticeable lesions or bumps ever is what he said and I never noticed any on him now he has shut down all his social media and I can't reach him. Hoping he's okay, I feel bad because in 2018 I did have what I was told it was an abrasion that tingled but at my doctor the day I was tested they told me it wasn't herpes but I think it was only a visible diagnosis. I keep having it reoccur from time to time 
    • CHT
      Hello "FeelingLost".... your fears and concerns are understandable but, nothing you've described regarding the sexual encounter would cause you to contract herpes.... further, your symptoms are not herpes related.  Best of all, your doctor is correct, your results don't show any herpes here.  You can relax.... definitely have your GP take a look at things and see what might be causing the symptoms but, again, none of them are typical herpes related.  I wish you the best in terms of talking to your wife about this encounter.... hopefully she will understand and you both can work through this amicably.  We all make mistakes.... be careful not to beat yourself up too hard over this.... you can become so racked with guilt that you start imagining physical symptoms.  Best of luck.... and take care..... come back to the site if you have questions.
    • FeelingLost75
      Hi (I’m really scared and feel really disappointed in myself and worried about my future), I had oral sex with a condom almost 3 weeks ago and a massage parlor. I also received a hand job at the same time prior to putting a condom on, also may have rubbed my penis on her back a little. Did not touch her genitals I don’t recall any sores on her back. After the event she handed me a pice of TP and after I took off the condom I wiped my penis head to clear away the excess ejaculation…this is where I suspect I got infected, she had just gone pee and wiped and maybe touched a sore or something and then I got it on my penis from the tp? Idk. I’m just flailing.   After this I’ve had discomfort on the skin below the head of my penis and 4 bumps for 2 weeks now, the bumps don’t seem to have changed in size. I also had frequent urination for about a week and have had dull pain in my groin on and off. I also have some pins and needles on the sides of my abdomen/trunk that get worse when I go out in the heat or get dehydrated. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping, likely due to guilt and shame and worry about the future.   so I got one test done at 10 days from the event (idk know if this can tell me anything… the doctor assured me it was 100% correct and I don’t have herpes. I was not physically examined). I got a full panel std. neg for everything. HSV-1 results: IgG 0.3 / HSV-2 IgG 0.9 hsv-1 IgM = 2.2 hsv-2 IgM = 3.0 (Reference V. Negative: Less than 9.0 Borderline: 9.0 to 11.0 Positive: Greater than 11.0) I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday, hoping he can help. Will likely go to a std testing service tomorrow to see if I can get in an antiviral proactively. Plan to get tested again this week.    
    • TS4real
    • FeelingLost75
      How are you doing now?
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