Scared and lost

[zzadj22]

I believe I may have genital herpes. I recently developed an 'itch' that I wrote off as a yeast infection or bacterial infection. I took oral medications to treat both, things seemed slightly (if not completely) improved. I had sex a few days ago and the 'itch' seemed to redevelop, last night I examined my genitals and discovered several small, open ulcers directly under my clitoris, inside the lips of my labia minora. Truth be told, I'm scared to death. My partner swore up and down he was tested for all STD's last month and completely clean, and he has been my only partner since being tested several months ago for any and all STDs (including IgM and IgG blood tests), where I was negative for all STDs. I'm angry, I'm depressed, and I feel cheated by life. I can not be 100% sure that I have HSV, though all symptoms point in that direction, and it flat out sucks. In truth, right now it seems like death would be easier than dealing with the stigma of a lifelong infection. Yet, the more rational side of myself, argues that it's really not anything life-threatening, just something that is life-altering...it's a change that despite not wanting to embrace, I may just have to.

I too wonder about the worth of my relationship now. I feel lied to and cheated, even though I know he may be unaware of having it...or perhaps that I was a carrier all along and just didn't know it until now. Either outlook seems grim to me right now. How can I even begin to speak to him about this? I've always been a bit of a "prude" by today's standards when it came to taking on a new sexual partner, and unless in a fully commited (and clean) long-term relationship, I've practiced safe sex. It seems unfair that a girl with five partners can contract something which seems so...dirty. I'm angry at God for allowing it to happen! How is it that I can be so careful and catch something while my friends who have slept with ten times the number of men I have (often times without any protection) don't?! The social stigma of (possibly) having an STD is overwhelming; I know I'm not a whore, yet everyone seems to think that when encountering someone who carries a disease. It's all to easy to point a finger and make rash assumptions about the way a person's lived their life! I'm a confident, driven woman...but the possibility of being shouldered with a "dirty" infection is crushing me...I don't feel like eating or even getting out of bed. I'm afraid to go to the doctor because part of me wants to ignore the situation and another part of me is afraid of the "lecture" and judgements they might make.

I feel isolated, like I have no one to talk to. How can you even begin to find ways to bring it up to your family and friends? I don't want to burden anyone with my sorrows, but most of all, I don't want to be unfairly judged. I hate that I'm even finding myself in such a position. In fact, I almost feel like I'm dreaming. It only shows that diseases know no bounds when it comes to who they infect. Rich, poor, educated or not, we're all at the mercy of viruses.

How do I begin to cope? How do I feel like a woman again? How do you find strength in such a situation? I've fought off and beaten cancer, but the possibility of being HSV + is far more daunting than that ever was... How can I ever have a normal sex life again? What if my relationship does end, who will want me? How do you even take the issue up with new romantic issues? I don't want to be contained to the world of only dating people with the virus (should I go and test positive)! I'm a beautiful and wonderful person with lots to give back to the world, I don't like feeling as if a virus controls my life! How can something I have no control over carry such a stigma?

I'm just lost, upset, scared, and confused right now. Life seems very bleak. I'm stuck with a case of the "why me's"...as hard as I'm trying to avoid them. Any advice or insight is appreciated.

[WaxedWrong]

std test> dont test for herpes.

you need to specificaly be tested for herpes.

and since u have some obvious sores> its the perfect time to get ur self to the doctor for a culture test.

so its possible u could have had it before, or he had... really unless u both had been tested for herpes u cant know for sure.

ok> sure having H sucks, but its not going to change who u are. ur still the person u where before this.

and it takes some time, but with research, and once you get the jist of everything about herpes, i think getting over the fact is alot easier.

you dont have to tell anyone. its not like walking around with a yellow star so everyone knows what you are. no one knows but you. and if you dont feel comfy telling anyone then dont> personaly only a selected few individuals i know know that i have it, BUT u must tell anyone u do plan on having a sexual relationship with, and if they cant handle it, dont stress it> they just werent ment to be.

[zzadj22]

I was tested for HSV I/II via blood many months ago, both were negative...though I am aware that no test is perfect and sometimes the antibodies just don't show up.

I do appreciate your advice and support though. Thank you.

[zzadj22]

std test> dont test for herpes.

you need to specificaly be tested for herpes

I just realized that I hadn't specified that in my original posts, sorry. (The IgM and IgG blood tests are the ones that look for HSV antibodies.) However, I am unsure if he was tested or not. As you mentioned, the typical panel neglects to look for HSV (why is beyond me).

And while there may be no "yellow star", it's hard to feel like I don't have one pinned to my chest right now. I feel like talking to someone about what I'm going through, but I'm entirely too afraid of them making inaccurate assumptions about me. I know it's not the end of the world when someone has a bad opinion of you, but I don't want to be the center of everyone's gossip mill.

Thanks again.

[WaxedWrong]

well thats what we are here for if u need people to talk to, and dont want to actually talk to someone u know.

and u know what, if u feel like u have that thing pinned on u > walk around and be proud of it, show that thing off like it was a giant diamond ring.

if u let things put u down ull just stay down, n then its even harder to get back up.

[zzadj22]

I am glad I found this site, and hopefully more people, as well as, yourself will continue to offer their ideas and support.

You have a great attitude... and while I'm certainly not ready to rock the idea of HSV like a diamond ring, I get your point.

I know you're right, it's just hard not to be depressed/angry right now. It really feels like I've lost something...but hopefully time heals all wounds.

Thanks again.

[Caliope]

On a supportive note I wanted to make a comment about what people think.

We are human and the desire to have sex and reproduce is human it is survival of our species and it is a powerful force. I am always shocked by people who want to judge others as good, or bad or dirty. We are not so different and to put labels on others is just plain wrong. So we've had sex, we got here because our parents had sex. Humans have been having sex for eternity and when did that become wrong.

That said we are all responsible for our own sexuality and I can guarantee that not one person who ever contracted an std went out there with the idea that they wanted to get one. Most of us probably thought we were being careful. Many of us approach our sexuality with such respect that we do go and get ourselves tested and use protection. So we all played the human sexuality lottery and some of us came out of it with H.

I hope your tests are negative but this is something that many of us live with and we learn to go on and have happy lives. I don't believe you're dirty or a bad person and you didn't deserve this disease any more than the rest of us.

[zzadj22]

Thank you, your last line made me cry. While I'm aware that I'm not a bad person or dirty, it still feels that way. I feel very isolated and depressed right now. It's hard to imagine being "unclean" for the rest of one's life. It's hard to believe that "someone like me" could get this...it almost makes me feel like I've done something terribly wrong...though logically and medically I know I haven't. It's almost ironic how my entire life I haven't given a rat's ass about what people thought of me, but now I find myself clinging to all the preconceived notions society has about STD's and the people that have them. I know that all such notions are wrong, yet right now they're all sticking to me like magnets (at least in my mind)...it feels like I'm destined to have people curl up their nose at the "dirty" girl...I shouldn't care, but I'm so shocked and worried I can't help but fall victim to such ideas.

I agree with you completely. Everything on this planet from plants to animals needs to have sex to survive, and every living organism that uses some sort of sexual reproduction has forms of STD's that get passed around. Why is it that society is so unaccepting of something a vast majority of people will come into contact with or contract in their lifetime? Yes, HSV isn't curable (yet), but why does that make people who have it so much "worse" or "dirtier' than someone who has had one treated? HSV causes no true long-term phsyical damage (thus far to me, it seems like most of the damage is mental/spiritual, or at least in my case)...and like you said, no one went out looking for it. Hell, using perfectly 'safe' methods one may still end up with it! One bad apple can ruin all those it comes into contact with...though it's hard to cope with that fact someone else "did this" to me. Right now it seems like it would almost be easier had I been the one-night stand girl and contracted something...then at least I'd have some reason why and some personal blame to cast. It seems unfair that something viewed so negatively should strike those who walked a careful line...but Ce'st la vie, I guess...

I do too, thanks for that. Regardless of what my tests may return, I'm very grateful for your kind words and support...right now I really need them.

[ETRUMP]

Hi,

"Rome wasnt conquered in a day"

God gives us free will to screw who we want, when we want, and also suffer concequenses. So as far as your initial post where you were angry that God let this happen to you.... You let this happen to you! Just like the rest of us.

Take it day by day and seek some counceling if you feel you need it.

One in 4 woman have it, so it happens to a lot of people. As far as you current relationship, I would have him get tested also, and see if the virus is older than yours.

[zzadj22]

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate any and all insight. However, I feel that saying "you let this happen to you", may be a little roughly worded for most people. Yes, I made the choice to be sexually active. Yes, I made the choice to engage in sexual activity with all of my partners. But I certainly didn't "let" this happen to me. I didn't go around engaging in any high risk behavior or neglect to ask a single partner to have STD testing done (including the IgM and IgG). I do understand that you're saying it was my choice to have sex that lead to the possibility of me having HSV, but your language almost makes it seem as if you're casting blame at me for (possibly) contracting it. I did everthing in my power to be "safe", and I don't feel like I am at fault for being unfortunate enough to stumble onto the virus. I do believe that you merely meant that I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself because I chose to have sex and have to face any consequences that may be involved in that, though I felt that I should point out how your choice in words might insult or hurt some people.

Aside from that, as I said, I do greatly appreciate your comment. As I mentioned before, the possibility of having HSV (and perhaps the stress of not knowing) is a big wall for me to climb at the moment, and you reminding me that I'm not alone and can't wallow in self pity and anger is a big help.

I don't feel I need to seek a therapist, I just need a safe and nonjudgemental place to vent. It's a very good suggestion though, and I'll keep it in the back of my mind in case circumstances change.

I intend to have him tested as well, though for right now I'm still hoping/praying that I don't really have it. (I have an appointment on Friday) Hopefully there won't have to be any heart-breaking talk about where and who it may have come from.

[zzadj22]

Etrump,

I just read over my response to you again and realized that the first paragraph may have come off a little harsh, and I hope that I didn't offend you. If I did, I'm sorry. I really do appreciate your response, but in my emotional state "you let this happen" really seemed like a bit of a slap in the face. I make no excuses that my actions are part of what got me here, but I guess I wasn't ready for such a blunt truth to be stated by someone else.