So hope for me...

[hopingseeking]

I've been posting for a short while now, including a little "tell me what I have post" under unsure.

I had moments of unprotected sex in China during my study abroad trip, two separate nights, each time with a different Chinese woman. My first (and I swear, last) one night stands ever. Each time I was too dumb and too drunk to put on a condom until I had been in unprotected for minutes. I came down with what looked like pimples on the head of my penis a week after the first exposure.

I've been freaking out since (it's been two months) and am worried sick waiting for my lab results that come out this Monday. Whether or not the tests come back positive, I've changed my life... I've gone back to the church (I realized the real world is a hard place to navigate without moral grounding), I've quit alcohol, I'm never looking for one night stands again.

I feel like life is just so cruel to me. In my life, I've I had a bad car accident that almost left me paralyzed, I lost my mom to cancer 2 years ago and had the first love of my life cheat on me and give her virginity to the other guy (we had been together for 8 months).

I'm going to become a doctor, have top MCAT scores, play the violin, am pretty cultured and educated, not terrible looking, but because of my stupidity and drunkenness I feel like my future is going to cut short and be limited because of herpes. To be melodramatic, my thoughts have definitely flirted with the idea of suicide at times. So I've been hoping and praying that I don't have herpes, because I don't know if I could handle it..

Thanks for listening, best- hopingseeking

[zzadj22]

I can relate to your story. I too, am well-cultured and educated; I am currently a surgical resident. My symptoms haven't been around as long as yours (I just noticed the lesions last night), but it too has me mortified. I've always been safe and have had significantly less sexual partners than most people my age. It seems unfair that something like this may (I haven't been in for testing yet) have happened to me. As much as I know about the human immune system and the way viruses act, I still can't help but feel dirty because of all the social stigma attached to having an STI, especially one that's life long.

It really makes you feel like God has it out for you, doesn't it? Not even a year ago I lost my fiance in a freak accident, my grandfather died of a heart attack, and my cancer returned after 18 months in remission (it has since returned into remission)...when you put everything together, life almost doesn't feel worth it! I mean, why does this omnipotent being feel the need to throw stone after stone? Can't we just get a break just this once?!

I've been totally consumed with HSV since discovering sores, the last 24 hours have been hell on wheels. I'm so afraid of a diagnosis because of the life-altering changes I'll have to make. I'm so scared of the social stigma that comes with a "dirty" disease. I mean, how does one even go about telling a new partner (or their current one) that they're infected? It takes a lot of courage and trust to get to a point like that, and it's hard to imagine that anyone would want to have a "tainted" partner. It's hard to stomach that one person can so completely alter your life and the way a majority of society views you.

I may not be a pro at this, and god willing, neither of us will test positive for HSV, but whether we do or not, I'm here for you. I can't offer any great insight about personal growth and discovery from having the virus, but it seems we're both in a similar spot emotionally, so I can offer an empathetic ear.

[dancingqueen]

I'm right there with both of you, in a way. Ever since I heard that you could contract HSV-1 genitally, I have been obsessed. My boyfriend performs oral sex on me quite often and we both get cold sores a few times a year, maybe 4-6. Well, ever since I heard this news... I'm freaking out. On top of that, hearing that a majority of those with the virus don't even know they have it... well that scares me even more.

What I'm getting at is, I am afraid that since we practice oral sex, either could be shedding and could spread the virus that way. We definitely don't kiss or by no means perform oral sex with a cold sore present, but with the case of shedding being so common and with it sometimes NEVER appearing in cases... you can almost never be too careful.

You both are in my thoughts as we all go through traumatic times in our lives, aka... "bumps in the road" Just remember that there are people here for you and I'm sure you have a good support group at home as well.

I'm hoping for both of you that you have nothing to worry about and it isn't HSV. I've dealt with my cold sores since a child, and my mom has them, boyfriend has them as well as a LARGE group of friends and family. Remember how many people have this virus, both HSV-1 and 2. You are not alone nor will you ever be.

[shocked2hear]

My story is not as traumatic as the two of yours, but I had my ex of five years go on vacation last November and come back and give me HSV II on top of his telling me that he was in love with the other woman and that he was going to marry her (he was gone for 2 weeks) and he never did marry her. I just found out exactly 2 weeks ago that I have herpes. I was devastated. The guy that I currently was involved with no longer wanted anything to do with me.

However you have to take into account the educated people that you are, that this does not define who you are and those that do not accept you are not worth your time. I am good looking and young and will eventually find a man to have kids with and to love me for all that I am. I hope that the two of you come to terms with the idea that this does not make up the person that you are, you do. Please use the internet to your advantage and prepare yourself for the worse as I always like to do. You will see there are a lot of accepting people and this is a widespread STI and the social stigma attached is not as bad as it used to be.

[zzadj22]

I wouldn't discount the "trauma" behind your story, shocked, it seems just as rough. We all had crappy things happen to us, and we are left to deal with some pretty radical consequences (of which we never had a choice in). This is a lifelong journey in growth and discovery we all seem to have stumbled blindly into, and we're left to deal with the stigmas and misunderstanding of an undereducated public...I'd say even without the loss of other things (boyfriends, family members, sexual freedom) we've a pretty unique and difficult road to travel on now. We all encountered people who didn't know or perhaps didn't feel the need to tell us that by sleeping with them we were receiving an extra-special, lifelong friend. Where's the fairness in that? Yes, we made a choice to sleep with them, but that doesn't make it right that we're left with such a burden without having the chance to make a fully informed decision.

I'm aware that a silly virus doesn't define who I am, but it seems a large portion of society can't see that. Think about all the herpes commercials out there and how people react to them...many crack jokes or talk about how nasty the people with it are. They're obviously not right, but they can't relate to a situation they've never walked in, and society has an idiotic notion that everyone with a STD must deserve it. How utterly frustrating! Even at my hospital we have doctors and nurses who make fun of infected patients behind their backs and discuss how they "must have slept around"...and these are professionals educated in the ease of STD transmission and people trained in "compassion". Things like that frighten me. If my peers can so easily write people off, how will the rest of society with no medical knowledge react? Truth be told, I don't think I'd have the strength to start dating someone if I knew upfront they had HSV, how can I expect someone else to? It's a big risk to take when relationships so easily crumble...

I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend wasn't able to handle your infection, I can't imagine how it must have hurt to have someone you were counting on walk away...but what can be said, some people just can't handle it. Like you said, it doesn't change who you are (and from what I can tell you have a beautiful personality) and he should have known you well enough to at least be supportive, even if he didn't want to have a sexual relationship. I think the lack of understanding and support of the general public may be one of the more difficult aspects of having this virus. I'm still hoping that I don't test positive for it, but I'm glad I've had the experience...it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things I never realized before. Positive or not (for HSV), I'm taking a lot with me from this experience.

[zzadj22]

Thanks for your kind words, DQ. Funny how a little knowledge can scare the hell out of you, isn't it? This HSV stuff certainly isn't a walk in the park by any means!

I hope that neither of you contract HSV genitally from one another, and I'm glad to hear you're being smart about avoiding oral when you're having an outbreak.

Goodluck in all you do, I wish you the best!

[dancingqueen]

You are very sweet zzadj22... I have been reading a lot of your posts here and on other threads. I have to commend you for being so brave and taking with you all your knowledge. I want to let you know that I am doing the same. I doubt that either of us do have HSV genitally, however, in a lot of cases, as stated quite regularly, people live their lives never knowing. So we all just have to be careful. It is amazing how many people are uneducated about the virus. I hope that you too, don't have the virus either. And you're right, it isn't a walk in the park. I just wish a blood test could determine that I had HSV-1 genitally... rather than its just in my body, as I already know!

By the way, how are things going with you? Do you have a test scheduled???

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me.

[shocked2hear]

I don't know if this helps, but my mother is a very old fashioned woman, she only had sex with my father. I told her and she was very accepting and even knew about it and acted as if it were no big deal. My best-friend reacted the same way. The guy that I had currently been involved with that was not so accepting, is still a very good friend of mine and very supportive.

I know that I have a very strong personality and I can deal with rejection. I wish I could hand this out to others and tell them it will be ok, but the truth is your personality defines who you are, how you are to deal with things relates to your coping mechanisms and how people are to accept deals with their ignorance. We are better off then some, but then again there are others that are better off then us. I feel we should live for the present. Dwelling on the past will not get us any where.

Everyone deals with crisis differently. For some a pat on the back will suffice and for others nothing can ameliorate the pain that they are to feel. I wish I could amend the pain for everyone, but know this is not plausible.

[zzadj22]

DQ,

Thank you for your nice words, again! I agree, the lack of STD education in the public is shocking! I mean we all went through those annoying health classes in highschool, but they never bothered to humanize the victims of STDs...all we were ever told was to avoid sex, if possible, or use a condom, they showed us pictures to scare us and threw a few random statistics and symptoms at us. Being in this position, as I mentioned, has really opened my eyes to the inate flaw in the system in how people are educated about sexual health. People with STDs aren't dirty or overly sexed, just unlucky (for the most part). From when we are first exposed to sexual health we are essentially taught to shun and avoid those who have something we might possibly contract, we are almost instructed to look at them as outcasts and people deserving of it! Shouldn't we also be teaching some compassion? Sure, you don't want to catch it, but someone with it isn't some monster. Having an STD is a HUGE deal to people, we should all be taught to understand and respect that, and furthermore, not to be afraid of something that is a natural part of living. When a typical person meets someone with the flu they feel sorry for them, but they don't judge them...why is it we can so easily judge those who caught something sexually? A majority of people are sexually active before marriage, there's no crime in that...things happen. You touch something with the flu virus on it, you get it...you share body fluids with someone who has an STD, you get it. No one asks to get "sick" nor actively seeks it out...people who are "sick" should all be judged equally. Perhaps in time society will evolve enough to understand that.

It does suck that there's no way to be sure where the virus is in your body, though I would say there's a pretty good chance HSV 1 isn't in your genitals, simply because you've already built an immunity to it elsewhere. (Or at least I hope.) Still, it never hurts to be tested to make sure there's nothing else floating around in your system that you don't know about.

I was tested today. They did a swab but they weren't too sure if it would be a good sample and they weren't entirely sure it was herpes from a visual exam...so we also did blood...now the waiting game is on.

Thanks again for being here.

Shocked,

I'm glad to hear they're all so supportive. I'm still too frightened to talk about it with anyone, but it helps to hear that people didn't lecture you or judge you.

I agree, we all must move forward...but personal growth and acceptance takes time, so it's always important to move at your own pace. I too, am a strong person, but this is a major road block for me...it's really got me running scared.

I too wish I could help everyone with the shock and pain of a situation like this, but sadly we can't...and hell, I'm not sure I'm even fully able to help myself right now! I will say that talking with you and the others has been a big help...at least I feel like I'm doing something by sharing and supporting other people who've been through the same thing I'm going through.

[dancingqueen]

Well I hope you all the best with your tests, and again, hope that you don't have the virus. I'm starting to have a lot less anxiety as time goes on and my boyfriend and I have talked about it. It helped a lot to talk to him about the information I learned and let him know how much of a risk everyone is really in of contracting ANY sexually transmitted disease these days.

Its too bad that people, myself in particular, really learns what is true about these diseases when reality hits and something could possibly be up. I'm glad that I can fill up with information, yet it is scary in a way. Its scary because of the statistics and how many people are uneducated or unaware that the virus is present in their body. HSV or ANY other STD for that matter. Then, because of the misinformation, or lack thereof, people throw out the stigma. We all know that. I have tons of friends who've had diseases and confided in me and friends who are living with Herpes. I think no less of them. They are wonderful people and did nothing wrong and I was there for a best friend when she got it and will always be there for her. She is dear to me and I believe in her and she will go far in life. SHE knows this as well.

Everyone here is doing right by sharing stories and support, keep it up. We all need eachother... no matter what. This is what makes life worth living... wonderful, kind, supportive, special, REAL, beautiful, good people like you guys.

[distressedwife]

saying hello!!!

Hi I'm new here but I've contracted the desease for more than 1 yr. from my husband. It hurts so much emotionally and physically in the beggining but somehow people have the ability to adapt to circumstance. We always have outbreak especially after we made love. Yes were still together!!!! I've forgiven him because I dont want to break our Family, we have a son. I was diagnosed just two months after I gave birth to our baby and it hurts so much because of it.... I hope my joining here will ease the burden...and eventually does anyone ever know of a cure???I've search but still there is no positive answer..

[bluefrog]

Truth be told, I don't think I'd have the strength to start dating someone if I knew upfront they had HSV, how can I expect someone else to? It's a big risk to take when relationships so easily crumble...

this is my biggest fear; i feel that is how i would be, running in the other direction far far away, so how do i expect somebody else to accept it??????

[gutted.]

becuase now when u decide to tell sumone, u will know for sure they are worth dating... not some random guy uve been on a few dates with, now you really have to get to know people......

i had a few GFs, all of which i told about my problem and still wanted to date me....

you dont love somebody only skin deep do you?