So Alone in this :(

[surreal]

Hello, I just signed up for this site and don't even know where to start. I just found out last December (right before Christmas) that I have genital herpes. I've always had the cold sores anyhow, but not this. I wasn't even diagnosed the usual way, just had a random blood test done and it came back positive. I was in complete and utter shock, denial, everything. I'm still going through these feelings. I'm okay for awhile and then I'll get so down and low it's like a nightmare every day I wake up. I feel like my life is completely over and nothing will ever be the same, that I can never enjoy the things I once did because this nightmare takes up every ounce of happiness I felt I once had. Does it ever really get better? I think the worst part of it all is that I just started up a new relationship right before I found this out. I really care about the guy and we have had sex (with a condom) several occasions. I guess I just don't know what to do. I know the right thing to do is to tell him, but I've just got so many questions still about my diagnosis. I know that a blood test is supposed to be accurate, but at the same time I've read so many things on how they can be a false positive, how whether it was a high number or low number affects it, how it doesn't prove where the site of infection is, etc. etc. I have not been diagnosed by culture (as of yet). I'm driving myself insane constantly looking down there, constantly worrying about every little irritation, itch, discomfort. I've had a few episodes where I felt irritated down there but each time I went to the doctor they said they didn't see anything that looked like herpes. I did notice the past few weeks that I felt like my leg was burning/numb and the bottom of my foot would sort of burn. My back ached and I had a lot of clear discharge. Quite honestly I could have had these symptoms a long time ago and never thought anything other than I must have some type of yeast infection or something. I still have not shown any sores of the typical herpes outbreak down there. The doctor that did the blood test prescribed me valtrex to take, which I do, but quite honestly if the irritation and symptoms I'm experiencing are due to herpes then shouldn't the medicine have taken care of that by now? It seems like it's been weeks and the burning of my leg, the backache, etc. are still there. I just don't know what to do, what to think, where to go. I feel so alone and hopeless. It's an awful awful feeling. I haven't told anyone yet, so I've just been living in utter despair the past few months by myself crying, wanting to tell someone, a friend or a family member, but not doing it in fear of being judged or rejected. I know that if someone loves you they aren't going to push you away just because of something like this, but just the thought of being judged by whoever I might tell kills me, but at the same time I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. Just signing up on here I feel is like my only hope at this point. I feel like none of the doctors I've seen or went to can give me a clear cut answer on anything. Yes, I know that being diagnosed via blood is supposed to be accurate, but at the same time there are just so many questions still. It's just still so unclear. Then I've been having horrible horrible anxiety about it all. I've still been seeing this guy but I'm constantly worried I will or already have given him something (even though I've never had any signs of an outbreak or been physically diagnosed). I just want to cry all the time. I feel that it would almost be easier to just walk away from this realtionship because the thought of telling him terrifies me because if I was rejected at this point, feeling as vulnerable as I am right now, I don't think I could handle it. Plus the fact that losing him would be bad enough. I really really care about him though and I don't want to give him anything (if I do have herpes). I'm just so scared and I feel completely alone. It's crazy how alone you can feel. It's like I feel like the only person in the world who has this. I know there are people out there, but it's just that you don't think you are the type of person who would ever get something like this. I have no idea where I got it from and or how long I've had it. I've been promiscuous in the past and stupidly unsafe sometimes, but I've also had serious boyfriends. I guess I can't beat myself up too much because you could get it from anybody, boyfriend or not. Anyhow, I'm just trying to find a light in this darkness and I'm hoping to talk to anyone who could help me deal with this better. I hope whoever you are you can help me try to understand how I'm going to live with this because sometimes I don't feel like I can or ever will be able to

[WaxedWrong]

ok first, paragraphs help.

2nd> you need to tell the guy> does he know you get coldsores? or is he completly unaware of the herpes?

3rd> your test, might have said type 2 post, but could have been positive for you having oral type 2. im not sure what type of test, and what your results where- but that is a possibility.

4th> i would def. get re tested, and talk with your doctor about the results, if your doc doesnt want to really tell you anything> find a new one, that will - having a good doctor can really help you out.

5th> herpes is not the end of the world. relax, do what you have to do, and take it with a grain of salt, it could be alot worse then finding out you have herpes.

6th> research, spend all day and night on the internet if you have to but if you do have it, you need to be just as educated as any medical professional on the subject (if not more since your directly affected)

[Caliope]

It sounds like you are really hurting over this and being very hard on yourself. If you are in a relationship I know it's scary but important that you tell him that you've had these results. I found out I have gh in January. I'm not sure how I got this either. I've been with my bf for 2 years and had my first outbreak after our first time together. I tested negative. He tested negative. 2 years past and I had a second outbreak and I tested positive. When I told him he flipped and said we could never have sex again but he still loved me. Days later he called back and begged me to find a way for us to make this work. He will not accept that he could have infected me. He had the negative tests and never an outbreak. He has not been tested since I tested positive. I wonder if he is a carrier but I can't be sure. It is possible I got this from my ex husband over 10 years ago but all I ever had was weird itching never an outbreak.

I've been using the acyclovir for one month now and staying calm really makes a difference. I am positive that I break out when I get emotional. This time it has taken almost 2 months to get things quiet down stairs. I really flipped out over the test result.

If you haven't had an actual outbreak this is good - cuz they really hurt. Maybe you want to research on this site and get re tested using one of the methods that is the most reliable. It is always possible that the results are for hsv1 from your cold sores. Yeah I am an eternal optimist. Try to be positive and open minded I know its hard but a lot more people have this than you might realize. I also hope that you'll find a way to tell you bf and that he is supportive to you.