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How I give the talk


JBnATL

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  • 2 weeks later...

All of those women must have respected you so much for being up-front and honest with them, making them care about you even more. I, too, have found that honesty is the best policy. Thanks so much for sharing. :)

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Awesome to hear...its nice to get a man's perspective. I've always thought that women would be less understanding (no offence to all the lovely women out there) because there seems to be more inherent risk associated with them getting it then a man, ergo issues related to pregnancy. Love your perspective, hopefully years down the road i will be able to post just a similar uplifting story and also say...and say I've lived a great life!!!!

Thanks JB!!!!!

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Hey JBnATL, amazing. All I get is a straight run of no's. You must have some kinda secret to what you say. "It's no big deal", huh? An incurable virus that is now known to be a chronic, not episodic condition, i.e. anyone infected must view themselves as a constant source of infection to a partner and act accordingly and which ulcerates the most personal part of your body and is "highly infective" is "no big deal"?!

Sure it's a way big fricken deal to me. Its made my life largely worthless as far as relationships go because NO ONE want to risk contracting this evil thing, and I don't blame them. I am sorry Matey but I think you need to elaborate on just how you go about this Talk business and protect your many partners because I don't believe a word of it based on my experience.

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I am sorry Matey but I think you need to elaborate on just how you go about this Talk business and protect your many partners because I don't believe a word of it based on my experience.

There is disagreeing with someones view about it being no big deal that's fine but accusing someone of lying that's out of order. I know it's frustrating and you might be angry but going round accusing people of lying isn't going to help also if they did have more information to elaborate they're less likely to do it if you do that.

I've told 2 people and both have been fine with it. If you think it's a big deal then it will be but for me it isn't it barely effects my life.

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All of those women must have respected you so much for being up-front and honest with them, making them care about you even more. I, too, have found that honesty is the best policy. Thanks so much for sharing. :)

That is exactly how I felt when my fella told me he has HSV. I already thought a lot of him before that. When we started getting closer, when intimacy was on the horizon, he told me. That showed me his honesty and integrity. It also showed that he cared about me and respected me enough to give me a choice in the matter. Heck yeah, it sure did make me even more attracted to him.

I did my due diligence. I learned about HSV. I looked at all the worst-case scenarios. I thought about how I would feel if I got the virus from him. I decided that not taking a chance on love with him would be worse than getting HSV.

If a person is experiencing a long series of rejections, I have to wonder if there is something more to it than the fact of Herpes. Maybe you are putting the info out there too quickly, before the other person has a chance to know you a bit. There is no reason that I can see to tell until intimacy is imminent.

:burnout:

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Hey JBnATL, amazing. All I get is a straight run of no's. You must have some kinda secret to what you say. "It's no big deal", huh? An incurable virus that is now known to be a chronic, not episodic condition, i.e. anyone infected must view themselves as a constant source of infection to a partner and act accordingly and which ulcerates the most personal part of your body and is "highly infective" is "no big deal"?!

Sure it's a way big fricken deal to me. Its made my life largely worthless as far as relationships go because NO ONE want to risk contracting this evil thing, and I don't blame them. I am sorry Matey but I think you need to elaborate on just how you go about this Talk business and protect your many partners because I don't believe a word of it based on my experience.

I completely agree! SEX for me is over...guess I should just become a Nun because I wouldn't dare tell a guy I have H due to fear of him rejecting me and telling others. I can't even spell it out I'm so disgusted about it. This is the absolute worse!!! It's so embarrassing and people think that those who have herpes are filthy.

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I'm absolutely terrified to tell the person I want to try to start the relationship with. I'm so scared this person will tell other people we know mutually.

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I'm absolutely terrified to tell the person I want to try to start the relationship with. I'm so scared this person will tell other people we know mutually.

Hi Totally ---

There is no reason for you to tell anyone you have herpes unless they are either: 1) your medical care provider, or 2) someone with whom you are going to have intimate relations.

Since you are just contemplating starting a relationship with this person, you don't even know yet whether or not it would ever progress to intimacy. There is no reason to tell until it gets to the point that it is obviously headed that direction.

Take it slowly. Get to know this person. Date for a while. Dating is supposed to be about having fun doing things together, while getting to know each other better. Dating will give you time to figure out whether or not you feel you can trust the person with your personal, private medical information. It will allow you to see if you both want to be intimate at some point.

If and when things get to that point (trust and imminent intimacy), THEN you can tell.

:wavey:

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I'm absolutely terrified to tell the person I want to try to start the relationship with. I'm so scared this person will tell other people we know mutually.

hi Totally

I hear you. I'm in a small town/community, and honestly my life, is zero. I need to move. I don't see any hope of any life as long as I'm here. I can't involved with anyone local, even if there was, cos of that FEAR of yep, everyone else finding out. Totally sux!!

hugs

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A change of scenery isn't going to change your life. You must change the way you think if you want to change the way you live. Yes it's hard to tell someone but its a lot damn easier than living your life a lone. If everyone you tell rejects you re evaluate the people your going after

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Really, thanks, everyone. I do want the relationship with that person. We have an amazing communication and touching is unbelievable. But we do know a lot of people mutually and that person has some friends I see being very, very close.

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Really, thanks, everyone. I do want the relationship with that person. We have an amazing communication and touching is unbelievable. But we do know a lot of people mutually and that person has some friends I see being very, very close.

I can relate to your situation 100%. Feel free to drop me a note any time if you want to commiserate...or ask questions..or whatever.

:wavey:

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thanks for sharing success stories. I am almost ready to have the talk but I'm having the worst possible outbreak, I do feel worst than usual. Hoping it will go away sooner than later.

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thank you i think that is what i came to this site to read! i am terrified, having been single for 3 years and have met someone i want to connect with, know i have to tell him soon before things progress. i know that i need to be honest and approach this with facts and not fear but ... i am going to re read your post and your link. thank you again!

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thank you i think that is what i came to this site to read! i am terrified, having been single for 3 years and have met someone i want to connect with, know i have to tell him soon before things progress. i know that i need to be honest and approach this with facts and not fear but ... i am going to re read your post and your link. thank you again!

Goodluck puzzledoer, I hope it goes well, hugs

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First, I'd like to say that I have not had to have this talk more than once. The first time I had to do it was when I found out. She was very understanding and really only concerned for my health. We are still together.

I've also noticed that reading through these posts, the people who seem to have the hardest time with "the talk" are those who are still very upset with themselves. If you call yourself filthy and diseased... you aren't off to a good start.

Now, there was a comment at the beginning about appreciating a man's perspective. I figured I would offer mine.

Its crude and possibly a bit insensitive, but she holds honors degrees in both biochemistry and chemistry so I just stuck to the facts. The first thing I did was tell her that I have it, and before letting her get a word in I explained to her that for me, it isn't like the crazy pictures we saw in health class back in highschool. I told her that to date I've only ever had two outbreaks, consisting of a few painless sores, three years apart. I told her that its nearly not contagious between outbreaks, and we use condoms infallibly to begin with. Then after some talk, we both came to the thesis:

"We lose a week every month of sex from your bodily functions... a couple weeks every few years on my end need not be the end of the world. "

This may not help you out there if you have particularly bad or frequent outbreaks. But for the majority of you who have only mild cases, I think the key is to give her the facts, and not put so much weight on it. If you want to convey that it's not a huge deal, you must address it as such.

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Great post HopefulHarry

I think a lot of the talk truly depends on the person on the receiving end as to how educated they are re H etc. If they're one of many who have grown up with FEAR, they're going to be the harder ones to give the talk to and have a happy ever after ending.

I've just recently had to tell a guy that I have it. He couldn't give a RATS, maybe because he himself has had Hep B. So, I think alot of it really depends on the person and what they're like.

I agree with you 100% in that just saying it as it is is also the best way.

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having it just a few times a year is different. when OBs are frequent, I can't imagine any partner wanting to deal with it. The Drs are absolutely no help. BUt again thanks for positive stories.

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hi Totally,

I understand where you are coming from. I haven't gone back to the start of this thread, are you on daily suppressives or not? I'm so fortunate in having a very understanding Doctor.

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Thanks for sharing this. I like that method. I've had herpes for about a year and a half now and haven't had sex other than with the person I got it from since then (even though we're not together). I'm now at a point where I'm close to being intimate with someone else, and I've been so scared of how I am going to tell him. I myself believe that it's not a huge deal, but I've been worried about how I will convey that message to someone else.

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