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isb

Awful News - I'm in Love

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isb

Since being diagnosed eight (!) years ago, I have led a largely monastic existence. I've prosecuted a couple of sad affairs, most of which fell apart after my earnestly giving "the talk." The women involved were very nice about it, but their ardor certainly waned after learning of my condition.

The soul-crushing loneliness has its advantages. I work out five days a week, have seen every episode of every TV show worth watching and drink 4/5ths of a good bottle of wine every night.

I ran into an old female acquaintance the other day. She coerced me into meeting her recently-divorced friend. Her friend is everything I've always sought: attractive, smart, funny and sincere. Inexplicably, she has taken a liking to me. We've been out three times and each encounter has left me convinced she could be the one.

Naturally, she has no idea of my dark secret. While we have not been close to being intimate, I'm sure that dreaded day will come. I'm on the horns of a dilemma; do I (a) tell my new friend about my condition and risk her telling others or (B) find some pretext to stop seeing her? If I choose to tell and word leaks out about my affliction, I will be ruined socially as my matchmaker friend and I are members of the same country club. I think I would be forced to move out of town if people knew. If I choose (B), I am consigning myself to a bleak, loveless future of TV, booze and exercise.

Which path do I choose, (a) or (B)?

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tomt

A!

I recently told someone and it was the best thing I've done in a long time. If she is smart and sincere she'll see past it, take your time be cool and it will be fine.

Also if people do find out, so what! If you don't have a problem with it and it's not a mark on your character then why should you care? If you don't let it control you or bother you then other people have no power over it.

It reminds me of a comedian Eddie Izzard who's a transvestite and he talks about confronting people over it

And when I was a kid, ‘cause I knew I was T.V. – T.V. is the abbreviation of transvestite, by the way, which is a bit confusing with television being T.V. as well – but when I was a kid, I realized I was T.V., and I didn’t tell other kids at school, on a cunning survival plan I worked out, yes! “Don’t tell other kids and survive school,” that was my plan. I just thought if I was five and said, “Look, guys, I happen to be a T.V. I just thought I’d explain this to you ‘cause I thought you could deal with this information in a positive and groovy way.” And that they would say, ‘Well, thanks for the information, and we’d just like to say we appreciate it, and we’ll grab sticks and let’s go!” (yelling and miming a chase) That’s what I thought would happen, probably no if I had the guts to say it, ‘cause I noticed if you do have the guts to say it, “Yes, I am a transvestite, I don’t care,” then people go, “Oh… Why is he not…? Oh…” ‘Cause people want to go, “Oh, you are a transvestite, “ and if you say, “No, I’m not,” and deny it, then they go, “Ah! Ah!” (pointing finger) “No! No!” “Ah, ah!” That’s the bully thing. It’s like the people in the street, they would be shouting at me for some time, and I decided to say, “Yes, is there a problem?” You know, some people are going, “There’s a bloke in a dress,” and I go, “Yeah…” and then they’re going, (sighs) “A bloke in a dress… A bloke in a- he’s a bit comfortable, the bloke in a dress… Shouldn’t we be backing off of this, going (mocking sounds and pointing finger)? He doesn’t have the victim mentality we usually request at this point of the debate…” That’s what they’re thinking.

There's a bit more numbers 9 to 11 on this page http://www.auntiemomo.com/cakeordeath/unrepeatabletranscript.html#then or the show is called unrepeatable

Sorry a bit off topic but go for it!

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NightUser

Option A! Option B is a ridiculous method of self perpetuating misery. Assess your trust of her and her affection for you first. If she rejects you, she isn't the one. If she doesn't, well...

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hatsu

I would go with A :D.

since you're not sure, just date her a little more and then tell her. you think she might be the one, so get closer to her by telling her your darkest secret. doing that will bring you guys closer, then you'll know if she's really the one :) .

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accelerate the response

Boy it's tricky though - she says yes and she'll get the H for sure - thats' the conclusion of the various reports I've read, its just a matter of time until the Big H finds a way to infect her if you have a physical life, I think the report said median time to infection was about 260 or so days if you 'fess up and perhaps 60 if you don't.

I can't bring myself to risk passing this on and the fear of doing so means I cant perform anymore anyway. So that's it - booze, exercise, TV and walking the dog for me. By the time the crazed pharma machine gets round to fixing this it'll be way to late for me so its game over. For you, I'd take option A but its a way big ask for her - I've had a run of straight no's and I cant take any more. No indeed, cant take much more full stop.

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tomt
Boy it's tricky though - she says yes and she'll get the H for sure - thats' the conclusion of the various reports I've read, its just a matter of time until the Big H finds a way to infect her if you have a physical life, I think the report said median time to infection was about 260 or so days if you 'fess up and perhaps 60 if you don't.

Eh? If you're going to make bold claims like that I'd like to see some evidence. I know from this site there are people who have been together for 20+ years and not passed it on so spreading this kind of information can be pretty damaging also it depends on how frequent the person gets outbreaks, lifestyle, medication and diet.

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RealisticGal

Hey, isb ---

By all means, don't close yourself off from the possibility of love. It isn't fair to you, nor is it fair to the person who might be your "other half."

You have every reason to take this slowly.

I'm not even talking about the fact you have Herpes, though that is also a good reason to tap the brake a bit in new relationships. There is nothing wrong with getting to know someone well enough to find out if they are trustworthy, as well as whether or not you TRULY like them enough for intimacy. First impressions can be misleading. Spend some time with a person.

What I'm talking about, though, is the fact that this lady is recently divorced. That is not a situation that should be rushed. It is better to go slowly.

Just do fun things together, keep it light. See how things develop. Dating is supposed to be about having fun with another person, while getting to know them better. Do fun things together.

If the connection is as strong as you suspect, that will be obvious over time. You will know whether or not you both have intimacy in mind. At that point, you can let her know. If she has a brain in her head, she will appreciate your honesty and the fact that you care enough to give her a choice.

She might still say "no" to intimacy, but that's okay as long as she is given the choice. You can never feel bad about that.

:wavey:

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RealisticGal
Eh? If you're going to make bold claims like that I'd like to see some evidence. I know from this site there are people who have been together for 20+ years and not passed it on so spreading this kind of information can be pretty damaging also it depends on how frequent the person gets outbreaks, lifestyle, medication and diet.

There is a study that had the findings mentioned. I think it might have been published by the American Social Health Association, but don't quote me on that. In any case, I have seen that abstract somewhere.

Just keep in mind, those are MEDIAN times. You are right about the couples who have gone years or even decades in serodiscordant relationships. By the same token, there are undoubtedly some instances where it is passed on the very first encounter.

I do think that the negative partner in such a relationship needs to dig down deep, to examine his or her feelings about the possibility of getting Herpes, before getting intimate. If it is going to cause strife and recriminations, perhaps that relationship is not the best idea.

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accelerate the response

tomt its in a medical report. I am afraid that my experience does not come even close to matching that of the person from Atlanta, and that is taking things very slowly as well. Breezy assumptions that its only a minor irritant seem out of place to those of us who do not enjoy such an easy ride with this. Great if you do, but I see no harm in asking to know a little more detail of what can appear otherwise to be somewhat glib opinions.

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Iridewheelies

Just tell her. It's the best thing I've done all year as well

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isb

It's not the personal rejection I fear; God knows I've had plenty of that. I am petrified that she will tell a friend and soon my secret will be known all over town. I could never show my face again.

Has anyone ever had "the talk" and then had their confidante spread the story?

Thanks for the replies.

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hatsu

hey, accel. if you're so hell bent on not dating, because everyone said no. why don't you date people like us? that way they already have the virus, so it'll be like dating before you even found out you had the virus. wouldn't that be easier for you?

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hatsu

hey, isb. does the lady you're dating, seems to be the kind of person that talks about other people behind their backs? if you don't know yet, just spend more time with her and see how she goes about gossiping or not gossiping. since that's your fear, that's the only way I can think about going about this. sorry for the lack of other suggestions :( .

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owen23

You should always hope for the best as you can come back just get treatment as there is no method to eradicate herpes virus from the body, but antiviral medications can reduce the frequency, duration, and severity of outbreak. You can still continue your affiliation and hope for best.

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isb

I am not sure if my friend is more prone to gossip than average, although I am reminded of the Ben Franklin quote: "three can keep a secret if two are dead."

Would she be less likely to blab if I told her sooner rather than later? She'd have less invested in the relationship and less incentive to talk.

I have had three outbreaks in eight years. I take Valtrex and have sex a couple of times a decade.

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RealisticGal
I am not sure if my friend is more prone to gossip than average, although I am reminded of the Ben Franklin quote: "three can keep a secret if two are dead."

Would she be less likely to blab if I told her sooner rather than later? She'd have less invested in the relationship and less incentive to talk.

I have had three outbreaks in eight years. I take Valtrex and have sex a couple of times a decade.

It all comes down to whether or not you are able to open yourself up to trust another human.

That is never easy.

Getting to know a person first, before sharing intimate info or intimate activities, seems like the best bet to me.

Your mileage may vary.

:wavey:

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hatsu

lol :D. that Ben Franklin quote is so funny and true. when it comes down to I, I think, you'll just tell her when you're comfortable and ready :) .

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whodat

ISB,

You can't avoid intimacy forever because you are worried about people finding out. Only an immature and sadistic bitch would run around town blabbing about how you have herpes. Get to know her, figure out whether or not you can trust her, and then tell her. Chances are she'll at least appreciate and respect your honesty.

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isb

Whodat: Thanks for the reply. I hear you, but can imagine the scene around the bar after the second martini:

Q: So, what really happened with isb?

A: Don't tell anybody, but he has....

Normally, I am a very decisive person. This predicament has me tied up in knots. The previous women I've told weren't in my social circle.

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NightUser

There are a couple things going on here - most of them hover around your fear. On her side, consider she is probably wondering what is going on with you - why aren't you closer? She surely knows that there's a secret there and probably wonders why you haven't told her the secret yet. Most women are fairly perceptive.... Ask yourself: are you afraid she will tell the world because you're insecure or because she seems like that kind of person? If you can't tell yet if she's that kind of person, spend more time with her, get her talking about her friends, see what kind of gossip you get out of her and test her with other less important secrets.

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Gruntled

One success and a possible failure

I separated from my wife in January. in March, responding to a "just platonic" ad in CL, I met a woman. We became romantic, and she kept wondering why I wasn't being more aggressive. I wanted to tell her in person, but she kept pushing it, so I told her over the phone. There was a terrible silence, and then she started asking questions. I told her my understanding, and also told her to talk to her physician. I told her to think about how she felt about me, and let me know one way or another in a few days. She decided she was interested in the relationship enough to go ahead and have sex.

The sex was great. It was wonderful. We loved each other's bodies, and if we saw each other 4 times a week, we had sex four times a week. I think she was a bit sensitive about going down on me, because that never happened much, but, oh well, we were having a great time with each other.

Ultimately, the relation broke down over life situations--children, career plans, etc. We still talk, we miss each other very much, but it's not the herpes that keeps us apart.

Recently, another woman pursued me like a bitch in heat, and I told her after we were mostly naked on the couch. We ended up having sex, and she called me two days later to see me for an hour before I left town for a week. The hour was spent, well, you know.

Then I got the classic passive-aggressive brushoff. Too busy, long time before responding to the emails and texts, less friendliness when she did answer, and being vague about getting together in the future. finally I just told her that she was acting like a jerk and I didn't want anything to do with her. I sounded pissed off, and in a way I wish I had just walked away.

Why'd she go?

I'll never know.

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hatsu
I separated from my wife in January. in March, responding to a "just platonic" ad in CL, I met a woman. We became romantic, and she kept wondering why I wasn't being more aggressive. I wanted to tell her in person, but she kept pushing it, so I told her over the phone. There was a terrible silence, and then she started asking questions. I told her my understanding, and also told her to talk to her physician. I told her to think about how she felt about me, and let me know one way or another in a few days. She decided she was interested in the relationship enough to go ahead and have sex.

The sex was great. It was wonderful. We loved each other's bodies, and if we saw each other 4 times a week, we had sex four times a week. I think she was a bit sensitive about going down on me, because that never happened much, but, oh well, we were having a great time with each other.

Ultimately, the relation broke down over life situations--children, career plans, etc. We still talk, we miss each other very much, but it's not the herpes that keeps us apart.

Recently, another woman pursued me like a bitch in heat, and I told her after we were mostly naked on the couch. We ended up having sex, and she called me two days later to see me for an hour before I left town for a week. The hour was spent, well, you know.

Then I got the classic passive-aggressive brushoff. Too busy, long time before responding to the emails and texts, less friendliness when she did answer, and being vague about getting together in the future. finally I just told her that she was acting like a jerk and I didn't want anything to do with her. I sounded pissed off, and in a way I wish I had just walked away.

Why'd she go?

I'll never know.

Gruntled, that is odd. I'm sorry to hear that your first relationship didn't work out. I find it quite peculiar how that woman went after you so aggressively, just for a one night stand - to me it kinda seems like a one night stand -.

well have you gotten any success with finding a new partner?

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Acesheart

Hey Gruntled long time no see :wavey: . Can I ask did you educate these ladies, or did you just disclose? Maybe if they were educated on your h, it would help them some. I understand the first relationship ended not because of h, but is this still a friendly relationship? Maybe.a friends with side benefits? It is still nice to have someone for comfort even it isn't going to result in marriage. Take care. Ace :)

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Gruntled

Yes, it was sort of like a one-night (+ one hour) stand.

Gruntled, that is odd. I'm sorry to hear that your first relationship didn't work out. I find it quite peculiar how that woman went after you so aggressively, just for a one night stand - to me it kinda seems like a one night stand -.

well have you gotten any success with finding a new partner?

Makes no sense to me, either. I wish I'd gotten an explanation, but I clearly wasn't going to get one, so I didn't just burn that bridge, I dropped a small nuclear device on it.

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hatsu

lol. I would have done the same thing, Grunlted. at least you've gotten good sex out of it :D .

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