Sorting it all out

[pursuing happiness]

I just found out yesterday that I most likely have herpes. I find out for sure next week. So far I have just been dealing with all the emotions that naturally come from something like this. I think that guilt is the biggest one for me right now.

I was a Christian active in ministry with the youth and am a high school teacher. I recently (6 months ago) started dating a guy who is not a Christian. We fell in love and I had sex for the first time in my life with him. 4 months later, I now have herpes (or at least my first outbreak). I am devestated as I feel like God is punishing me. I went through so many feelings of guilt before I found out about this, just knowing that I was doing something I "wasn't supposed to do." I had recently (last week) been so happy and guilt-free, finally freeing myself to be in love and accept the blessing God had given me in my boyfriend, who is an amazing person. Now I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I waited so long and now feel like it was for nothing. I feel dirty. I am angry at my boyfriend for giving this to me. He didn't know he had it and is extremely upset that he gave it to me. He feels a lot of guilt. I am worried about this tearing apart our relationship and that I will go back to being apprehensive about sex and that we won't have a normal sex life again. We planned on getting married next year before this and I still want to be able to do that as does he. I know that I can't blame him or I will never fully recover, but it's actually getting over that that will be hard.

I also feel overwhelmed by the thought of dealing with this my whole life. I read some of the other forum discussions with people saying that some outbreaks last a month or longer or that they get them all the time. There are also seems to be a lot of maitenance, things I don't want to have to worry about for the rest of my life. Everytime I pee, it hurts so bad and then I think about this happening again and I just start to sob. Today at school was so hard as I couldn't stop thinking about it and was obviously quite uncomfortable. I have a stressful life with other health problems, teaching, and family stuff. I am often fatigued as well because of those things. Am I doomed to have recurrent outbreaks forever?! I just feel so hopeless right now as I contemplate all this and wonder if I will ever be happy, "normal," and "healthy" again.

Anything that anyone can tell me to help me deal with all these emotions would be helpful. I want to move forward and accept what I cannot change. I just need a jumpstart to begin that road.

[Caliope]

You are somewhere right now that many of us have been before you. It's important to quit blaming yourself for this. Christianity is no blanket you can throw over yourself so that you suddenly aren't human with human needs, emotions and realities.

God created sex to be enjoyed by humans so that we can be close to others and to procreate. It isn't a sin. It isn't something you're not supposed to do. We all have to come to terms with our humanity and how our sexuality fits into it. God isn't punishing you.

As for ob's some of us have worse experiences than others and usually it is us girls. But just because it is bad now does not mean that it will continue to be bad. Of course I can't make any promises. For many the initial ob is the worst.

I can tell you that being emotional can make the ob's worse so try to find a calm inside.

The greatest source of help for this will come from you - from your immune system. If you have herpes your body will be building antibodies trying to fight this off and hopefully soon you'll be feeling some relief. Concentrate on keeping strong and healthy. Get some extra sleep and try to remove any unnecessary stress.

Your boyfriend is still the amazing person you always thought he was before this happened. I'm sure its equally hard for him to face the truth of this. You were so happy just last week. You can be there again. Maybe the two of you can get support from each other on this and become a stronger couple.

Feel free to contact me if you need to chat. Check out the links on this site - take your time - there is a lot to take in.

[pursuing happiness]

Thank you

Thank you so much for your help. Your advice and simply your kind words have helped me already. I know I will get through this and be able to move on. I look forward to happier days and know they will come. Thank you!

[hopingseeking]

It's a hard situation you're in, I'm sorry you got it from your first time. I think I realized that whether or not I have it, I'm still the same person at the core. True, parts of my life are changed, but that doesn't change WHO I am... if that makes sense...

It's okay to grieve a while for what's happened to you. But set a time limit for it. When you hit that point, look forward and think about all the great things ahead for you, and that you'll do. Message me if you need anything.

[Learning-and-Living]

Moving On

Hi,

Let me just say that I completely know how you feel! I have been down the "God is Punishing Me Road" and back again. I know that it is hard to believe. One minute everything is coming out roses and the next... well you know. I know that I though nothing like this could happen to me. For a week I just though I had some ingrown hairs. Then there were the weepy OB sores... I had done enough research to know what was going on. I completely broke down the night I realized what was really going on. The overwhelming feelings of being alone and ashamed. I have had more than one sexual partner in my life, but I just never though it could happen.

I think Acceptance is the hardest part. But I have taken comfort in knowledge... It seems like the more I read and learn, the more I can cope. So keep reading and asking questions!

[pursuing happiness]

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has written in their words of encouragement and to let you know that I am doing much better. I get my official test results tomorrow, but I'm not even that nervous about it because I think I have, in my mind and heart, accepted it. I have been educating myself and have found that to be the best source of comfort, knowing that I understand it and that I can win the battle (not in terms of curing it, but at least living a normal life). I have been staying optimistic about it and have found my happiness again.

My boyfriend and I are doing really well. He is being very supportive and is taking the recommended vitamins with me. I feel much better with the medicine and vitamins. I think one blessing out of this can be that you have to become more in tune with your body, listening to it and taking good care of it, which I have started to do more of.So many more blessings have yet to come and I do look forward to the future.

Thanks again and I will keep coming to this site for encouragement and to encourage others. Pursue happiness!

[Caliope]

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. Your message has hope written all over it and that makes me happy.

Probably the most positive thing you said is that you and your guy are doing well, you're supporting each other and taking care of yourselves. Sounds like good things are happening in spite of it all.

Blessings to you.