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Kate

I will never get over this

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Kate

I am slowly going insane. I can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking of how much better it would be to just end it all. Please help me I am an emotional wreck :(

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jinglebug

hey kate

i know how you feel i feel the same. its all i think about because im constantly uncomfortable down there even between ob's and its causing me loadsa secondary problems. its nice to kno im not alone altho in the real world i do feel alone, dirty and ashamed.

even tho its so common i just think how am i ever gonna have a normal relationship, kids... knowing i have this horrible secret. im so angry at the person who gave it to me. he was so unsupportive and didnt give a toss because he had it once and never again and im wrecked forever it feels. so hard to be positive when every step you take is an uncomfortable reminder. ahhhhh the days before this...i didnt kno how lucky i had it...but i guess there are so many ppl with worse problems than me... i have an incurable and embarrassing sexual disease...but i have enough food, water and shelter....and at least its not life threatening...but i kno how bad you feel believe me...its hard not to let it get you down even tho u try to rationalise.... x

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firedawn

Hi Kate and jinglebug,

I don't know how long you've had this but I've had it for over a year now. I got Ghsv2 in September 2011. I can tell you both from experience that it is a very difficult thing to deal with; but you do have to keep pressing forward. It's been the last 5months that i've really had a much better time with the emotional aspect which has also helped with the ob's and pain. Please do understand that this is a grieving process. That helped me a lot.

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did , and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-

As you start to adjust to life , your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life . You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness.

When I realized I was grieving and going through the classic 7 stages it helped me so much! It is a loss, it is life changing BUT life does go on.

I've had NORMAL relationships with non H men with full disclosure. I realized that I needed to learn to love myself again first. To build up my self esteem again.

There are so many people here who have or are feeling the exact same way you both do and it comes in wave but as time goes on it get's easier.

Xo to you both!

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our future relies on us

i am also going through this same experience and couldn't agree more :( im newly diagnosed :( il tell u now the only thing keeping going is the hopes of a cure! one day we'll all be cured of this we have to be!

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bp1983

I just found out Friday I have it. Im devastated. Never thought this would happen to me. I don't know how I'm going to tell my boyfriend. I'll never forgive myself if I gave it to him. But what if he gave it to me? :(. I can't imagine finding someone to love me now.. I just hope he doesn't leave when I tell him. All I do is research this disease now. I feel so disgusting. :(

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Kate

Hey guys, I just can't see how this will ever get better. I have a bf who is supportive and that's not even helping. I just can't deal I can't. I feel like everything I had and worked for was for nothing absolutely nothing. Every single sensation in my body terrifies me. I can't live with this fear everyday of my life. Everything I knew is now lost. :(

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firedawn

BP - be careful about the amount of research. It's best to talk to people in this forum and looks through posts. I say this because most of what I've found outside sources is very harsh and uninformative.

You will find someone to love you; you are not disgusting but that is a phase of the healing process. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Remember that you can't control the fact that you have it and it could have come from him. You can't control his response but everything WILL be ok in the end.

It's a rough road but i can say that getting herpes has changed my life for the better - only because that's how i choose to view it.

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WarriorKing

It's the fear. Fear is abusive and is a big lie. Fight back. Millions of people are right now living normal lives with this little virus, including me.

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20something

I was recently diagnosed and had to tell my partner as well. I was so worried about what the reaction would be but I can tell you this--I feel 1000000% better that I did. Am I happy that this happened to me? No, not at all. Understanding how common this virus is has made it easier for me to accept that I have it. At the end of the day it is a skin disorder that most of the time others can't even see. This doesn't mean the end of life as you know it. You are still the same person. You can still be happy, find love, have kids, get that promotion, be active, etc. If you think your life is over then you have already lost the battle. For me, the sky is still the limit.

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our future relies on us
I just found out Friday I have it. Im devastated. Never thought this would happen to me. I don't know how I'm going to tell my boyfriend. I'll never forgive myself if I gave it to him. But what if he gave it to me? :(. I can't imagine finding someone to love me now.. I just hope he doesn't leave when I tell him. All I do is research this disease now. I feel so disgusting. :(

I feel the same way, my boyfriend did give it to me as he has the antibody's and I don't. It's very upsetting and it has been six weeks now and I tell you for me it has not gotten easier yet. I hate my boyfriend and love him at the same time.. how do I forgive him for this and move on? He didn't know he was a carrier

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our future relies on us
Hey guys, I just can't see how this will ever get better. I have a bf who is supportive and that's not even helping. I just can't deal I can't. I feel like everything I had and worked for was for nothing absolutely nothing. Every single sensation in my body terrifies me. I can't live with this fear everyday of my life. Everything I knew is now lost. :(

Couldn't agree more Kate. I was diagnosed just before my 21st birthday and graduating from university as well but everything in my life is now tainted. I wish I could go back to a time when I knew I did not carry this stupid virus. I cant even look at my family the same way, they always talk about how proud of me they are that I've done so well with my life, well could you imagine if they knew this. I hope for you kate that your situation gets better. I know I've got a problem so have just gotten a referal to see a psychologist, though I am skeptical as to what she can do for me, she can't get rid of my hereps. :(

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bp1983

Thank you. I appreciate your kindness. It's not easy, and I cry a lot.. But in the end it's only a rash. If I can't find a man to look past a rash, then I guess it shouldn't be. I just need to find the right time to tell him now. Every time I look in his eyes I break down inside and can't do it. I hear it's best to tell him calmly and how can I do that when I'm still freaking out? None of this is easy. I guess I used to take what I had for granted before. :(

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our future relies on us
Thank you. I appreciate your kindness. It's not easy, and I cry a lot.. But in the end it's only a rash. If I can't find a man to look past a rash, then I guess it shouldn't be. I just need to find the right time to tell him now. Every time I look in his eyes I break down inside and can't do it. I hear it's best to tell him calmly and how can I do that when I'm still freaking out? None of this is easy. I guess I used to take what I had for granted before. :(

Maybe that makes me lucky, It didn't take much for me to tell my boyfriend. I called him panicking told him it was positive but I knew that the virus didn't come from me maybe thats what made it easier. It so sad :( i dont know if il be able to live the next what say around sixty years knowing about this :(

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NiceGuy9

I see a lot of girls posting on here so I'd like to respond to them. I just got diagnosed yesterday as a male college student who was sexually active but before then I was madly in love with a girl last year but she broke up with me because we were too serious for her. But I just want to say, if she had had herpes I would not have cared, thats what real love and caring is. If a guy loves you it won't matter, truly, and if it does thats not anyone you want to be with anyways. The only hard part that I am really struggling with right now is the in between. What happens when I am dating a girl and really like her for a couple months and want to have sex. Even if I don't have a breakout and use a condom, there is a chance I can infect her right? How can I knowingly put a girl I care about at risk without telling her? And how many girls would take that chance, or any chance with a guy who they care about but have only been dating for a couple months? Do I wait until I am married now to have sex?

I go between hurting a lot and being okay with it. I cry sometimes and the only person who knows is my mom. I had been going to the gym everyday for the past 2 years, buying clothes that I like and now everything I own, material possessions just don't matter to me right now.

I'm scared about relationships in the future and I feel so alone because I know I can't tell any of my college friends. So I've just been sitting in my room the last two nights watching movies and taking nyquil to sleep. I know this will make me a better man, I know it will make me more caring to friends and women that I am interested in because it will never be about the sex again.

I guess to end on a positive note for us all- we should know that anyone who leaves us for herpes is not someone we want to spend our lives with, and I think the day that we all find someone who accepts us for who we are will be the most rewarding thing of our lives. I know that I would have accepted the girl I loved no matter what she had and whether or not we could have had sex again.

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lock2

To all of my fellow hsv sufferers...when I get upset about my condition I try and remember that after all it is just a skin condition that is treatable. And also that many of the people I know also have it....but would never tell. So the next time you are in a room of people realize that more than a few have this big secret too. And you will all find someone who love you. My sister has hsv 2 and found and married a man who is crazy about her. We all must try and deal with this based on truth..and above is the truth.

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Kitty123

Kate88, like I said to you before in a private message, I was EXACTLY where you were 2 years ago, and it took me a LONG TIME to get where I am today, but the point is, I got to a better place deep inside myself. Embrace the fact that your boyfriend is accepting of this virus. It should make life that much more bearable for you :) It did for me in my situation, after all - that IS what you want considering you have this virus, and to be quite frank, its not going anywhere.

As harsh as that sounds, I can assure you, you will be ok. And this is coming from someone who was more than happy to jump infront of a moving train without blinking an eye, had it not been for my friends and my parents coming to my rescue being tipped off by some obscure hint that I absentmindedly gave them.

YOU WILL BE OK!! :) xoxoxo

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rhymeswithorange

I'm sorry to hear about your news but glad that you've found this group. If you are like the rest of us you are devastated and wondering how much this will change your life. That is mostly up to you. You can let it define you or you can chalk it up to just another one of life's curveballs. I was suicidal when I found out but managed to get through the first few months. It did not take very long for me to find a way to cope, put it behind me and move on. I was lucky to find a dating partner on one of the "positive" dating sites (best investment I made since my diagnosis . . . don't be cheap . . . subscribe to a few if/when you want to date someone new) and we have been together for over a year now.

It is a strange and devious virus and affects everyone differently. Some people struggle with symptoms even with medication and others have virtually no symptoms with no medication. I sincerely hope you are one of the latter.

My heart is with you tonight and for the next few days as the reality starts to sink in. The best you can do is be hopeful. I would wait several days before you talk to anyone about this. I think that its important for you to let this new information about yourself sink in and definitely exchange messages with other people on the board, hopefully someone else has been through an experience similar to yours and help you navigate yourself back to the path your life was on before your diagnosis. It will happen if you let it.

I hope this helps, please don't hesitate to reply back if you want to chat.

Jim

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Iridewheelies

Hey Kate, future. I spoke with both of you the other day in chat and I'm going to tell you the same thing now I did then. I wish there was a way to show you where I was in march of this year. So you can compare it to where I am now. Night and day. Whether you say you can or you say you can't. Your exactly right! It's up to you. There is no magic formula to getting over it. But step one is always realizing there is nothing you can do. You have it and its not just going to go away. So make the best out of it.

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Acesheart
I feel the same way, my boyfriend did give it to me as he has the antibody's and I don't. It's very upsetting and it has been six weeks now and I tell you for me it has not gotten easier yet. I hate my boyfriend and love him at the same time.. how do I forgive him for this and move on? He didn't know he was a carrier

Hey our future, he doesn't see herps when he looks at you, so you shouldn't either. My case was very different from yours. My then hubby knew, he didn't care, was selfish and abused my love. Yours didn't know, I personally think that is a lot of Self Guilt, its not easy when you love that person you hurt. Try to remember, a lot of us got herps from someone who knew! It's a huge deal. You seem like a lovely person, good heart, let him know how its not his fault. This was not his intentions. Just having someone on the outside of this forum is a very big deal. My husband now is still non h. If I ever pass, I know, well I hope, he would never hate me. Make me feel like crap cause I passed it. Love him and you two will have a much stronger bond. Take care, Truly, Ace :)

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our future relies on us

I think for us its very difficult because we both are newly diagnosed and we both have very different ways of dealing with our issues. He bottles them up and doesnt think about them, i need to get stuff of my chest, fix the problem and make everything ok and its just really hard not being in control of something.

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victor

You probably won't ever be the same person. The herpes diagnosis is worse than losing a family member, job, significant other, etc. combined. It takes time to heal, but there really is no running from this virus since it's with us for life.

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firedawn
You probably won't ever be the same person. The herpes diagnosis is worse than losing a family member, job, significant other, etc. combined. It takes time to heal, but there really is no running from this virus since it's with us for life.

I agree - i'm definitely not the same person..BUT in many ways I am much better than who I was before.

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Acesheart

Hey dawn I do agree honey. Somethings can make us better people. But, I think your great anyways. Hugs, Ace :)

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victor

Firedawn, you're completely right. This disease can affect people for the better as it's proven all the time. It really depends on the person since we all react to things differently, and it's unfortunate that some take it extremely terribly. Don't get me wrong, HSV definitely is a serious, serious condition, more so psychologically than physically for most people. For some people herpes is just as bad as diabetes, if not worse; worse than cancer for some (cancer can be eradicated from the body through treatment); it really depends on the person. If we're referring to stigmas, the only stigma that carries anything worse than herpes is HIV/AIDs. I don't think anyone should end their life over herpes, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't seen people commit suicide for less serious reasons (break-up, bad test grade, student loans, financial issues, etc.) Those can all be fixed, herpes can't.

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maverick500

I don't understand what the big fuss is. I have HSV2 and am coping just fine with it. Granted, I haven't ever had an outbreak, but even if I did, I would just use medication and deal with it for a few days. Are other people's herpes outbreaks so bad that it's unbearable? When I first found out I had herpes, I felt like my life was coming to an end, but I soon realized how petty herpes is after doing research and living with it for a while. I think you're all letting the social stigma get the best of you...

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