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kuteknish

Rejected after "the talk" and very hurtful - Is this a normal response?

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kuteknish

About me: 8 years ago I tested a low positive for HSV1&2. In those 8 years, i've had one OB and i've never passed it onto any partners. I consistently use condoms and stay healthy and active so my immune system is good.

I recently met a man and we got on really really well.. we had been dating for about 6 weeks and had hooked up once or twice and one night it went further and we had sex. He had just invited me home for the holidays to meet his family and I saw that it was moving in a more serious direction. (we are both in our mid 30s)

I didn't have "the talk" with him prior to all this happening. I didn't think it was going to go anywhere and it's tough to disclose that information to someone you aren't sure you trust yet, AND things happened so fast. It was weighing on my mind though and I knew before we went any further (physically and emotionally) that I needed to tell him I was a carrier.

Well I ended up telling him the other night, and apologizing for not telling him weeks ago, and also telling him about my past and no partner contracting it, etc. He basically flipped the F out and said some really hurtful things to me via email. I tried to explain to him and educate him on the virus but he wanted nothing to do with it.

Amongst the hurtful things he said about betraying him and such, he said "i am choosing to stay ignorant about the subject of herpes. good luck to you"

Few questions for everyone:

1. Does he have a right to be THIS angry ?

2. Is this a normal reaction? The other two men i've slept with in the last 8 years handled it way better and continued their relationship with me. we had already hooked up at that point as well...

3. Is there any way to make this up to the guy?

4. Did I really handle this the wrong way? I have been completely OB free face and genitals for 8 years and am very aware of my body and when I have any tingling or any compromosing of my immune system. I wanted to tell him, but it's tough information to disclose to someone you don't know and you don't know if they are going to tell others.

thanks for reading.

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cupcakes12

Honestly I think he had a right to be mad. You did not inform him and give him the chance to decide if he wanted to still have sex after knowing you have an std. Those two guys may not have cared but this guy does care. I say accept it as a loss and going forward inform future partners. A lot of us are here because a partner chose not to disclose.

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EnglishGirl

I'm sorry but just because you tell someone doesn't mean they won't get it so I can't stand it when people say we are here because someone didn't tell us, we are here because we slept with someone who had herpes. Also look at how we are all having to deal with discosing to people, the people whom we slept with (if they knew) were probably loosing sleep over it too but we're just feeling bad towards them because they didn't. Morally yes it's better to tell but this lady above has been suffering with this issue for 8 years or so, also 8 years is a long time for this virus to be in the body, she would be very unlikely to transmit the virus after such a long time.

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Hottfoxxy

No matter what the issue is if u have herpes it is ur responsibility as an adult to do the right thing disclose PERIOD before sex... Take the time to get to know the person if u are uncomfortable telling them then don't put urself in the position for sex to take place if u can't give that other person the fair chance to make an informed decesion.. Should he be mad yes he should because u should have given him the choice In the matter!!! It's his right to say yes or no and yes rejection suxs but I would go to bed and sleep better at night knowing u were honest...

Another point to make just because u carry the virus for a long time does not mean that u are not capable of passing it on because yes its less contagoius as they say as years go on but they have no solid proof of that and ppl have still passed it on after having it 25 yrs... Please educate urself on the facts herpes has a mind of its own and it is STILL possible to pass it along no matter how long u had it!!!

On another note YES alot of us are here 1 asking our partners to have a std test with NOT knowing herpes is not included in the exam and 2 using condoms and NOT knowing it could be spread with using a condom and 3rd and foremost these ppl KNEW THEY HAD HERPES !!!! So in the end ALWAYS DISCLOSE!!!

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lovelyoptimistic

Agree with everything foxxy said. And to comment on the statement about users saying many of us would not be here if our partner had disclosed...well it is true. Yes, we did have sex with someone who has herpes. However by not disclosing, our partners made the decision for us. Was i, and many others, comfortable with accepting the risk of getting herpes? Most weren't. It was a stupid decision on my part to even entertain the guy, but i trusted him because he was my friend. I even declined sex several times, but i allowed him to pressure me intoi it. He was my second sex partner. So no. I probably would not have taken that risk because i have never really gotten a chance to date anyone outside of my ex. I had recently broken up with my ex who i dated for 7 years. I allowed him to take advantage of my weak, emotional state and went against my own personal beliefs about sex outside of relationships. So i do take that responsibility. BUT he should have told me.

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LifeGetsBetter87

I feel he is entitled to be angry at you for the situation. You had an opportunity before anything sexual happened to tell him. I understand you don't want to tell someone early about herpes; however, you have to accept responsibility of herpes. You need to disclose and you have to be comfortable with rejection, its apart of having it. Not every man is going to be like the two other guys you dated. Not everyone is going to take it well that you hid it from them and couldn't be honest and upfront before. I can tell you I doubt you can make this up to him. More than likely he feels betrayed, and he won't be able to trust you. Best thing is to move forward and move on. Hopefully a lesson has been learned and no matter how hard, disclosing will be much easier choice.

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kamil

You need to stop being selfish and playing with people's lives,That's non consensual sex.

If you don't tell someone is under the implication that you have nothing, seriously put yourself in their position- and you have the nerve to talk about it. What food are people eating these days!!!!!!

Caucasianfemale has slept with people without telling them, don't you under estimate what people can do when you hurt them, not only 're you being an IDIOT but you're treading on thin ice.

If you don't have the nerve to get someone's consent by telling them then buy a toy,otherwise you will add a bigger problem to the herpes problem.

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kuteknish

I was writing to get everyone's opinions and I thank those who have replied. I do see why he is angry, no doubt about it.. I should have told him prior to and I learned my lesson for next time. I am still not sure if someone didn't tell me they had it OR I was a case of auto-innoculation. I'm just not sure, but I know that I have never had an OB.

He actually sent me a text yesterday apologizing for being so harsh and so cold.. said if I would have told him earlier, he would have been more supportive, but instead it seemed like intended way to hurt him. Based on his original reaction, I doubt he would have been supportive in any way that I told him. He is ignorant on the topic.

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goddess8

kuteknish,

Even though you have never had an OB you did test positive eight years ago. Hopefully, NOW you know that this means that you will always have the virus, and that there is always a chance of shedding and transmission regardless of whether you ever have an OB.

You learned a valuable lesson.

You say he is ignorant on the topic. That is true. Unfortunately you were also ignorant on the topic or you would not have thought that the lack of an OB made it safe for you to have sex and relieved you of the obligation to disclose. You have learned a lesson. That is good. It is probably too late to make things right with this partner. Disclose before sexual activity with the next partner and you may have better results.

I wish you well in the future.

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EnglishGirl

Actually Kamil,

I've had one sexual partner since getting this & I DID tell him not that that's ANY of your business.

This is why I am considering coming off this site, too many judgmental users that assume by what you say you've actually done that yourself. I tried to be a bit more fair on her instead of guns blazing.

Thank you for your comment

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kamil

You should read your post, then get back to the basics of effective communication. I don't know you and have nothing against you but, people will judge you by what you say.

"I'm sorry but just because you tell someone doesn't mean they won't get it so I can't stand it when people say we are here because someone didn't tell us, we are here because we slept with someone who had herpes. Also look at how we are all having to deal with discosing".

That's your post,those 're your words.

I have herpes just like you, lets not be self-centred, we're having to deal with disclosing because,we need that person's concent.

That person is someone's son/daughter, with a whole happy life ahead of them.that person deserves to make a choice and that choice in many cases has nothing to do with herpes but how much that person likes you.

If you sleep with someone without telling them and infect them,then seriously you deserve everything that comes your way, don't be oblivous to what people can do when their life is threatened.

If someone steals from me it doesn't give me the right to got steal from another.

IF YOU INFECT SOMEONE WITHOUT TELLING THEM,YOU'VE MOLESTED THEM,ASSAULTED THEM AND THE IMMOTIONAL TORTURE EQUATES TO RAPE, THAT'S WHY PEOPLE GET SUICIDAL AND SOMETIMES GO ON TO COMMITE SUICIDE. TO BE FAIR THE WHOLE THING IS JUST CRIMINAL.

i)This world has people who destroy and take all they can get their hands on and those that build and give all they have for the better.

ii)Those with warm hearts and the cold hearted.

Only you knows who you 're. The question is 're you proud of the way you've lived your life?

ta!xx

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kuteknish

weird turnaround - Happy New Years everyone. was lonely last night and texted the guy this thread is about. He was clearly adamant at the time about me and staying ignorant on the topic of HSV...

I didn't expect him to come over last night, but when I invited him, he came over, and we proceeded to hook up. Why would someone so adamant about it being something they can't handle/deal with proceed to being with me intimately? I'm thinking he missed me.

He is still ignorant on the topic though. He asked me "so basically I just put myself at risk, right?" (after I gave him oral) -- I don't know how to explain to him that it's not that easy to get it or if I even should anymore! weird night

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dangitinAL
I'm sorry but just because you tell someone doesn't mean they won't get it so I can't stand it when people say we are here because someone didn't tell us, we are here because we slept with someone who had herpes. Also look at how we are all having to deal with discosing to people, the people whom we slept with (if they knew) were probably loosing sleep over it too but we're just feeling bad towards them because they didn't. Morally yes it's better to tell but this lady above has been suffering with this issue for 8 years or so, also 8 years is a long time for this virus to be in the body, she would be very unlikely to transmit the virus after such a long time.

TIME has nothing to do with transmitting this. There are people on here who didn't have breakouts for YEARS and start having breakouts during menapause. It is a virus. Once in your body - ALWAYS in your body!!!

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EnglishGirl

Don't dispute that (confused) just meant after a long time it's 'less' likely to transmit & again, regarding earlier posts, I did disclose. Was just trying to empathize with the original poster in this thread.

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kuteknish
weird turnaround - Happy New Years everyone. was lonely last night and texted the guy this thread is about. He was clearly adamant at the time about me and staying ignorant on the topic of HSV...

I didn't expect him to come over last night, but when I invited him, he came over, and we proceeded to hook up. Why would someone so adamant about it being something they can't handle/deal with proceed to being with me intimately? I'm thinking he missed me.

He is still ignorant on the topic though. He asked me "so basically I just put myself at risk, right?" (after I gave him oral) -- I don't know how to explain to him that it's not that easy to get it or if I even should anymore! weird night

Did anyone read this? I think my thread kind of got lost in the mix

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dangitinAL

kuteknish, I hope it works out however you want it to work out for the best. Good luck with him. Try to get him to read up on it, though, if he continues on with you.

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EmptyCookies2222

I will say that he does have a right to be angry because you did not inform him of your status before you guys had sex but he doesnt have a right to disrespect you. I do not know if that is a normal reaction because everyone is different.

I completely understand where you are coming from and I have been in a similar situation where things went alot faster than expected before I had "the talk" with him. It is very hard to tell someone (that you are not sure you can trust) that you have herpes because you dont know how they will react and who they will tell. I am struggling with that currently.

Ideally I think it is best for both people involved to get tested and have the talk before any sexual encounters. Although things did not turn out the way you hoped, you should still pat yourself on the back for letting him know. If you guys want to continue to keep things going he needs to be informed. If he resists the info. then I would def check his std status.

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