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trilingualgirl

Starting to like him...

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trilingualgirl

I met this guy at a club and we made out. I didn't think anything would happen past that, but I ended up giving him my name and he found me on facebook and messaged me right away, which surprised me. We kept talking online, and ended up having one of those really good chats that lasts 3 hours. He expressed interest in seeing me again, and was actually hinting at sex which was very forward. I figured if that's all he was looking for, since he doesn't live in my city and doesn't know anyone I know, I was just going to tell him right then and there online I have herpes, so that way if he thought I was cool he'd at least stay friends with me and if he was a total dick he'd run and I wouldn't be attached enough to get hurt.

Turns out he had a bit of knowledge on herpes that I'd say most people don't. Then he told me he would keep flirting with me and pursuing me. He even admitted to having chlamydia in the past, which probably makes him more open minded and understanding of the whole concept of STD's.

The truth is, I slept with him originally for the wrong reasons...i.e, he accepted my herpes. I DID give him all the transmission rate information related to my not being on antivirals, but he believes firmly in the power of condoms and I'm not sure he gets that there is STILL a risk.

The weird thing is, I didn't feel guilty about having sex with him then. Until time started passing and we started hanging out more and I realized I was starting to like him.

Now the guilt is eating me alive. I want to run before I hurt him. I'm scared I already have. I'm pretty asymptomatic, I have NO idea what's herpes and what isn't. Maybe that one bump that's been there for months is always contagious. Maybe that bump has always been there and I never noticed it before. I told him about it, he still wanted to have sex and we did.

I thought I wouldn't feel guilty, that if a guy liked me and accepted this I had no reason to feel guilty, but oh my gosh I do. I really do. He's a huge man whore too, if he catches this from me I'm scared I'll ruin his whole sex life, which he thoroughly enjoys. He just got out of a relationship and isn't looking for anything serious, but we are definitely friends with benefits...

I don't want to bring this all up to him and freak him out for no reason. I want to just suck up the guilt and not let it affect me, because I'm telling myself he made this choice and I gave him all the information I could! He even looked up information himself. There's some apprehensiveness with the sex though so he'll probably realize what a horrible mistake he made soon enough....

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