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LO2W

When to disclose???

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LO2W

I've had just a couple attempts at dating since my fiancé passed away 5 years ago. I was diagnosed about 3-4 years after he and I started dating, and it didn't make a difference in our relationship.

Now I'm alone and getting sick of it. The first attempt failed, quite possibly because I was an idiot and didn't tell him. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.....probably a bit of selfishness, and a lot fear of rejection.

The second attempt I thought was a success. I disclosed to him on our second date, which was before the first kiss even happened. We continued to date, and proceeded to the level of intimacy. He had reservations and questions. I even went to my gynecologist and got more information to make sure I was informed enough to tell him. At times, there was some awkward silences...like I knew he had more questions that he just wasn't asking. We lasted for a couple months (not seeing each other but once a week or so) and then he said he just doesn't feel the chemistry he needs to continue seeing me.

Now i feel like I'm back to that "scared of being rejected" feeling....A couple weeks ago, I went on two dates with a guy I really liked. On the second date, things got scary close to being physical. I told him that I want to wait a while before we sleep together. Ultimately, I want to know how I really feel about a person and know that feelings are mutual....and to know the PERSON I'm dating before we start taking our clothes off. Third date happened, and it went the same way....only this time there were hands where they shouldn't have been. But now, without any disclosure, I haven't seen him in over a week.

I'm just sick of being alone. I am starting to wish I'd just find someone else with genital herpes so I don't have to worry about this being a reason for rejection, and so my partner will understand what I'm going through. Yet, I don't hang out on this forum much because I don't want to dwell on my condition, or let it consume me, or define who I am. But I really don't know what else to do.

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d00m kitty

Hi LO2W

This is a question that's plaguing me too. I'm still a believer of disclosing fairly quickly. For me, if I think the relationship is going someone, ie it does hold promise, yes this guy could be the one, I tell him sooner rather than later.

I flipped it around. If I were in their shoes, how would they feel dating me for say 3 months, then I tell them that? I reckon they may have accepted it if I'd told them sooner rather than later. I hate hiding things too, I can't live with myself. So, yep I tell them pretty quickly.

I've had to deal with rejection. The funny thing is though, they turn around and come back? Yes they were initially afraid, but they come back...........well, they try too lol

I've just started chatting to a guy online, who I'm really excited about. He's spirtual like I am. That's so rare to find [not talking religious here]. So, I'm so so so hoping this progresses. Early days now, and no way and I talking about H yet. We're just chatting for now. If we got to meet, that's another story entirely.

I find too, because of my isolation and usually travel of a substantial distance is involved, I tell sooner rather than later too. I don't want them driving 400kms and then I tell them that? I don't think it's fair nor right?

I suppose I just go with my gut feelings/intuition. The key for me, is if I feel the relationship is right and yes it can go long term. Obviously, I have to think fairly highly of the person too, afterall telling them about H is such a personal & intimate thing to do.

Always remember too, LO that they themselves may have H? I quite often ask if they get coldsores, and it may sound silly, but if they say yes, it's like YAY for me lol

You're welcome to PM me anytime.

hugs xx

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LO2W

I thought that it went very well with the one guy I told on the second date. It gave me some confidence that my life wasn't going to be as abnormal as I thought it was going to be. I felt comfortable enough that I told some of my closest friends, and even my mother. I'd felt so alone all these years, being that the only person who knew was my fiancé (who took it to his grave) then the first person I told was the guy I told on our second date, almost 5 years after my fiance's death.

Then it didn't work out with me and the guy, so now I feel like I'm back to square one with my feelings about this... Feeling alone, afraid of rejection, and miserable. Though I do know that I probably shouldn't change a thing about how or when I disclose. I guess I'm just in one of those setback times....

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d00m kitty

Yep, I've been there myself and I'm only just picking myself back up again. It's lovely when you can tell a guy and his reaction is, but that doesn't stop you from having sex though does it? LOL Relationships either work or they don't, I think because we have H, it puts added pressure onto us. And yep, having to start from the start all over again, build up the confidence to tell yet again, it's hard..............

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LO2W

Well I might have found something with a future. I've been doing the online dating thing for a while, which is where I've met the past couple of guys I've dated. The "good" part about this one, is that he's positive too. Sure, it doesn't mean that he's THE ONE for me, but it certainly takes the disclosure part out of the equation (since he disclosed in his profile) and the chances of rejection are reduced. Sure, I don't want to hop in the sack with him any more than I would anyone else. Half of my battle has been to find a guy who isn't just trying to get a piece of a**.

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d00m kitty
Well I might have found something with a future. I've been doing the online dating thing for a while, which is where I've met the past couple of guys I've dated. The "good" part about this one, is that he's positive too. Sure, it doesn't mean that he's THE ONE for me, but it certainly takes the disclosure part out of the equation (since he disclosed in his profile) and the chances of rejection are reduced. Sure, I don't want to hop in the sack with him any more than I would anyone else. Half of my battle has been to find a guy who isn't just trying to get a piece of a**.

Goodluck LO, fingers crossed xx

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LO2W

Thanks DK! My only concerns about this guy, is 'does he have his $hit together?'

He has 3 kids - two little boys that he has full custody of, and their mother isn't a part of their lives at all - seems they had a rough start in life with her, and she lost her parental rights. So now the guy is financially strapped to the point that he's about to lose his car, and he's changing jobs because of his kids. His previous gig had him out of town for weeks at a time.

So.... It all sounds feasible, understandable, and worth a shot..... Or is it? I've become such a skeptic that I don't know how to think or act when and if something good comes my way.

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d00m kitty

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm that's a tough one LO. Being a single parent is bloody hard work. It's hard to get a job that will even fit in with having kids. I can understand the position he's in and how he's got there.

I never used to think about me in relationships. I'd jump straight in head first. I'm also a rescuer.

I suppose you need to think about how you will deal with all of this? It will be hard obviously. If the relationship can't be equal, it really won't stand a chance.

Have you met face to face yet? Obviously that would tell you more. But, if you're having doubts already, maybe that's telling you enough? Intuition knows best.

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LO2W

Well I certainly know where he's coming from. I'm a single parent of two teenagers, and they had a kinda rough start in life. My ex husband (their biological father) has had nothing to do with them since the divorce was final. We had to share custody until we went to court, and there was when things got ugly for the kids. His girlfriend abused my son, so I know where he's coming from.

I just want to be sure that he's not just telling me some sob story because of whatever could be wrong with the guy. I guess I'm being cautious because my ex husband was a lazy pos who wouldn't work, and we struggled every day to make ends meet. That was a huge lesson in what to steer clear from, and I don't want to throw myself into that again. I've come too far from what I was then, to not question this new guy.

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LO2W

But if he's true to what he says, then I can say I understand his problem. I want to give it a shot, because I don't want to give up on something that could be great at some point.

I guess that the only answer is to "proceed with caution"

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d00m kitty

Yep I agree LO, eyes wide open!! And you just never know? Goodluck xx

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