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almostgotit

He tried to have sex with me during an outbreak

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almostgotit

I dated someone who didn't tell me he had herpes, then tried to have sex with me during a VISIBLE herpes outbreak 5 months into our "relationship". I found out shortly thereafter he had been cheating with multiple people while telling me we were exclusive. I suspect he knowingly exposed several women to herpes, and now I wonder if I should call the women he was cheating with and tell them what is going on and they need to get tested? I myself tested negative a month after I stopped all sexual contact with him so I hope I'm in the clear. I feel lucky but still can't forget about the other women.

I hate the idea of calling the women and informing them about his cheating and his herpes. I just want to move on. But after a month of not speaking to him I still wake up at 4 am and see their faces in my mind. I found out he was cheating by looking at his texts, so although I have not met these girls I know their faces and names.

I would want another woman to call me if the tables were turned. Is it my responsibility to call these women or should I just stay out of it? Is there a chance he really didn't know? How can a man NOT know there are bumps right there on his penis?

Here's the full story:

We dated for 5 months, sleeping together and "exclusive" for 3 months. I asked him to get tested for STDs when we started sleeping together. He said the results were all negative and I don't actually know if he was tested for herpes. I didn't ask to see the results. Yes, that was stupid.

Fast forward a couple months later, I've met his friends and family and we're spending a lot of time together. I'm in love. We're in bed, it's dark, we're having some foreplay and I feel bumps on his penis. Then I turn on the lights and SEE bumps on his penis. This looked like an STD so there was no more sexual contact after that and I insisted he get tested the next day, which he wasn't enthusiastic about but he did do it.

He got the results and it's genital herpes. He insists he didn't know and he must have been asymptomatic. But I ask how he could not know there were bumps on his penis? Maybe he didn't know what they were but he knew he was having a problem and was just going to have sex with me anyway? It also didn't seem like a primary outbreak from what I read about herpes. It was just a few bumps, not a severe reaction. He didn't question me about giving him the disease although I was his new sex partner. It was sure looking like he knew he had an STD and didn't tell me. I told him I was in love with him and not letting him go because of herpes.

I confronted him about my suspicions, though, and he was adamant he didn't know he had an STD and had always been faithful to me. I didn't trust him anymore, though, and became suspicious he was cheating on me. I looked in his texts and saw he had been sleeping with several other women. When I discovered the cheating I totally blew up. I went on and on about the harm he is doing to these women by using them and exposing them to herpes. I told him he needed professional help right away. He was crying, seemed remorseful, and did go to one counseling session as far as I know. Then we stopped talking. This was a month ago.

I still feel hurt but that is fading. Here's the bigger problem. I haven't been able to forget about the women I saw in his phone. Maybe they don't have herpes yet, but the next time they sleep with him will be the 3% of the time he's shedding the virus. They get herpes. By not calling them I allowed that to happen. This thought is very troubling.

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lovelyoptimistic

I don't know how you should approach it. I def would want to know if the tables were turned.

Some people are very careless. When i told me giver i had hsv from him, he said he'd gotten bump but didnt know anything was wrong -__-. Yeah right! He also didn't question me nor seek getting tested. So from my experience, i would say he knew.

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cupcakes12

Im glad you were able to figure out the bumps were an std. My giver had two small bumps on his penis and told me they came from masturbating too much. I trusted him and contracted herpes as a result. Maybe you can anonymously warn these women through an email.

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MsLucy

You are not the herpes police. Let it go. These women are adults and, as such, are responsible for themselves and their own sexual behavior/well-being. I know your intentions are good but, like they say... the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Mind your own business.

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SCG

Please let it go, Almostgotit. That fact that he didn't tell you doesn't make him a monster. He might have been in denial. He might not have known. He might have known but was was afraid to tell because of the shame that society puts on people with genital herpes. What if he commits suicide because you were so loose lipped about him having herpes? How would you feel then?

If i were you, I would consider myself lucky and grateful to learn a valuable lesson about std's and herpes. Please just move on, you don't know how much torment, depression, embarrassment, and pain this guy may be in.

Good luck.

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Kitty123
Please let it go, Almostgotit. That fact that he didn't tell you doesn't make him a monster. He might have been in denial. He might not have known. He might have known but was was afraid to tell because of the shame that society puts on people with genital herpes. What if he commits suicide because you were so loose lipped about him having herpes? How would you feel then?

Hey SCG - so that actually makes it ok to spread herpes? Putting someone else at a mental and physical risk...because...well....he was in DENIAL? He felt SHAMED??

Heck... I feel shamed in how I caught it, and I felt in denial, sure. But that doesn't discount me from not informing my partners. Not at all.

Feeling in denial merely indicates that you know you have it, you can't believe you have it, so you are just gonna simply deny it to everyone else and go on living recklessly.

That's how I caught it. From the asshole who figured he didn't need to tell me because...well....he just couldn't.

And then to keep on lying to me about it afterwards...and these were good lies too. Well thought out lies. That I found out about later.

That doesn't make it right. AT ALL.

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Kitty123
Please let it go, Almostgotit. That fact that he didn't tell you doesn't make him a monster. He might have been in denial. He might not have known. He might have known but was was afraid to tell because of the shame that society puts on people with genital herpes. What if he commits suicide because you were so loose lipped about him having herpes? How would you feel then?

Hey SCG - so that actually makes it ok to spread herpes? Putting someone else at a mental and physical risk...because...well....he was in DENIAL? He felt SHAMED??

Heck... I feel shamed in how I caught it, and I felt in denial, sure. But that doesn't discount me from not informing my partners. Not at all.

Feeling in denial merely indicates that you know you have it, you can't believe you have it, so you are just gonna simply deny it to everyone else and go on living recklessly.

That's how I caught it. From the asshole who figured he didn't need to tell me because...well....he just couldn't.

And then to keep on lying to me about it afterwards...and these were good lies too. Well thought out lies. That I found out about later.

Its one thing to feel shamed about something, but its totally another thing to throw your integrity out the window for the human race just because the person who spreads herpes can't handle having it, so why not everyone else have it too.

That doesn't make it right. AT ALL.

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SCG
Hey SCG - so that actually makes it ok to spread herpes? Putting someone else at a mental and physical risk...because...well....he was in DENIAL? He felt SHAMED??

Heck... I feel shamed in how I caught it, and I felt in denial, sure. But that doesn't discount me from not informing my partners. Not at all.

Feeling in denial merely indicates that you know you have it, you can't believe you have it, so you are just gonna simply deny it to everyone else and go on living recklessly.

That's how I caught it. From the asshole who figured he didn't need to tell me because...well....he just couldn't.

And then to keep on lying to me about it afterwards...and these were good lies too. Well thought out lies. That I found out about later.

Its one thing to feel shamed about something, but its totally another thing to throw your integrity out the window for the human race just because the person who spreads herpes can't handle having it, so why not everyone else have it too.

That doesn't make it right. AT ALL.

Didn't like my advice, Kitty. Ok, smear the guys name, tell the world, ruin his life, make his existence miserable, make him wish he was never born, tell his fucking mom, tell his boss. Do this because kitty is bitter and wants to blame others and not herself for having herpes.

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MsLucy

Hmmmm....

I have to admit, I tend to agree with SCG on this one. We all make choices, and ultimately, we have to own the consequences of those choices.

Maybe your (in the general sense, not anyone specifically) giver didn't choose to tell (or lied) about his/her status, but you chose to have sex which, in itself, is pretty risky these days. Even riskier, is placing your health and well being (physical and emotional) in the hands of someone who hasn't proven they're worthy of that level of trust.

There's more to sex than bump and grind, in spite of the current casual attitudes towards it, and almost every story from bitter and anger people who contracted herpes from someone who didn't disclose can be attributed to misplaced trust. To assume that someone is trustworthy simply because you like them, or are physically attracted to them, is a big mistake. To assume that someone you like, or are attracted to, won't use you to serve their own agenda, is also a mistake.

Trust is a precious commodity, and to pass it out indescriminately will get you screwed every time. Not everyone deserves your trust. And few people deserve the level of trust that should be required to get naked and get intimate. To assume that they do, in my opinion, is like asking to get hurt.

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osten

Kitty123, can you really not understand why it's difficult to tell people that you have genital herpes?

It's wonderful that you are such a saint of a person. I don't mean that totally sarcastically. It's a great thing that you choose to tell everybody whom you sleep with that you have cold sores on your most private areas. Can you really not understand why other humans might be weaker than you? Can you really not understand why the perceived shame at having "genital herpes" might make it difficult for some people, less blessed than you with inner-fortitude, to confess to a prospective partner what they have? Especially considering that what they have is no different than what 60 percent of all Americans have, save the location?

What is most ironic is that you, in all your righteousness, illustrate best why people feel they cannot tell. The heavy-handed attitude you have about cold-sores that happen to lie in the genital region echoes very well the public's misinformed understanding of what herpes is. That is precisely what makes it difficult for people to disclose. Have you never considered that your overheated attitude about genital herpes is reflective of that very stigma that makes it so hard for people to disclose in the first place?

Many of us are here because a partner didn't tell us. Some of us choose to blame. Others, to understand.

Sleeping with people when you have genital herpes is absolutely NO DIFFERENT than kissing people if you have oral herpes. Out of curiosity Kitty, do you apply the same stringent moral standards to those who kiss without disclosing as those who go to bed without disclosing?

For the record, I think that disclosing in all cases (HSV-1, HSV-2, oral, genital) is the better thing to do, and I myself could not imagine not disclosing. However, I think it's very important that we take a step back and look at why people don't disclose in the first place, instead of moralizing about it. It's a complicated, and very human, issue.

"It's ironic, isn't it?" says Wald. "It's not about health, it's about social acceptability."

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RealisticGal

Hi almostgotit ---

I expect I'm going to say a couple of things you do not want to hear, but please read all the way through and consider them. If nothing else, please skip down to the last point I am going to make, at the end of my note to you.

First of all, I'm with the "let it go" group on this one.

It will be sad if he continues with reckless behavior. But...

...it is not your job to stop him.

You know about those women you saw on his phone (because, sadly, you invaded his privacy --- whole different topic).

But you only know about those few. Are you planning to follow him around to make sure he doesn't continue with new ones?

Sure, I think what your ex is doing is wrong. At least now that he definitely has knowledge of his condition that he cannot deny, it would be wrong if he continues having sex without giving his partners a choice in the matter by telling them.

However, it truly is not your place to call up those random women you don't even know. It is his place to tell them, not yours.

Okay, so you believe that you would want someone to call you in that situation.

But if you did so, you might not get the reaction you are expecting. Those women might not be so happy to hear from you; in fact, they might be quite pissed off at you.

I would wager that some of them would think you were lying about him, in order to get back with this guy. Or, they might think you want to get back at him for being with them. Either way, he is the person they are sleeping with and you are "the bad guy."

:dong:

Now, the most IMPORTANT and CRUCIAL thing I can say to you:

You said:

"I myself tested negative a month after I stopped all sexual contact with him so I hope I'm in the clear."

No, my dear, at this point you are not "in the clear." One month is by no means long enough to know that. The experts in the field of STIs/HSV will tell you that you need to test again at least 4 months after your last exposure, as it can take a while for HSV antibodies to form to levels detectable by the available tests.

Please, forget about this guy. Forget about the women he may be doing wrong. Do not put yourself into that very untenable position.

The only person you can be responsible for is you.

Take care of yourself. Get tested again in a few months. Then, in the future, be sure to discuss your sexual histories with potential partners and go get tested together.

:wavey:

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Kitty123
Hey SCG - so that actually makes it ok to spread herpes? Putting someone else at a mental and physical risk...because...well....he was in DENIAL? He felt SHAMED??

Heck... I feel shamed in how I caught it, and I felt in denial, sure. But that doesn't discount me from not informing my partners. Not at all.

Feeling in denial merely indicates that you know you have it, you can't believe you have it, so you are just gonna simply deny it to everyone else and go on living recklessly.

That's how I caught it. From the asshole who figured he didn't need to tell me because...well....he just couldn't.

And then to keep on lying to me about it afterwards...and these were good lies too. Well thought out lies. That I found out about later.

Its one thing to feel shamed about something, but its totally another thing to throw your integrity out the window for the human race just because the person who spreads herpes can't handle having it, so why not everyone else have it too.

That doesn't make it right. AT ALL.

SCG - I guess I should've worded it properly. Perhaps let me rephrase it.

I have my own guilt to deal with - separate from contracting HSV2. Its the CIRCUMSTANCE in how I caught it, and the situation I put myself in to put myself at risk.

But imagine how you felt when you first caught it. Where you jumping for joy? I certainly wasn't. And to give you a little background. I've had it for 2 years. I separated from my (NOW) fiance, and slept with someone whom I thought was my friend. This 'friend' wanted to have a relationship with me, and I was really vulnerable at the time. Perhaps I should've given some background right off the hop, but guess what - I probably would've been attacked for 'sleeping with someone else' when I was 'taking a break' from my relationship. (yes, I know assumptions)

So - here I am. And I've since then gotten back with my fiance, who WILLINGLY contracted it because he still wanted to be with me. And meanwhile, this 'friend' I had has totally disappeared, and never even fessed up. But all the body language showed - that he lied.

I accept total responsibility for MY actions. I've come to terms with the fact that I took a horrible risk (and I even used protection!). But the fact still remains is that - he could've come to me and said, "I should have told you, I had herpes" - I still would've been upset and mad at him. But he chose to continue to lie and lie and lie. And besides! In my opinion, WHY NOT FESS UP!! Too late now! The deed is done! Why not just admit it so I at least could have closure, and then further deal with MY OWN GUILT?

I'm truly sorry if I came across as harsh. It just struck the wrong cord. I sincerely apologize.

If I was ever put in a situation where I was left single, and ever sought out a new relationship, I would definitely TELL. Despite the shame, despite the embarassment of being rejected. I would never want a single solitary person to EVER feel what i felt.

I have to forever live with the poor decision I made and I accept full responsibility for my actions and some may say, "So what makes it so different? Whats so moral about what you did as opposed to the person who didn't share his HSV status with you?" So why should I be the only one that has to suffer?!?! I'm not the only one to blame for my actions. I was the one who knew my status, and shared it with him. I gave him ample opportunity to do the same. I even ASKED HIM. He full out chose not to tell me. When I started having symptoms, and shared this information with him, he got all dodgy and nervous, and made up all these lies. "Well - I once had a coldsore", right. So how is it that I have GENITAL HSV2. Why is it that he went 'limp' right before we had sex? Why is it that when I asked him to get a herpes test and show it to me, HE DISAPPEARED from the face of the earth, quit his job (I found out), and changed his number, and just VANISHED? (He even MOVED out of his apartment!) - it just made perfect sense in the end.

Thats all I was trying to get across, and again, I mean no disrespect for your point of view.

I've fully accepted that I have HSV2, and I'm living comfortably and I take my medication. My fiance willingly contracted it, and despite the daily guilt I feel. I have to live with it. And my inner soul will never be the same. So just so you know, I may be 'just as guilty' for the other doing what I did to put me in this situation, but my guilt will last forever. The person who gave me HSV2, is taking the high road, and probably doing this to others WITH no guilt at all.

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almostgotit

Thank you for your input. It means a lot to me. I am also trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and have compassion. I don't want to ruin his life. I also worry about the shame and embarassment he may be feeling. Since we haven't talked I don't know how he's coping but he is back on the internet dating website meeting more women again and it's not an std website. I hoped he would go to counseling and find a responsible way to deal with herpes but it looks like nothing has changed.

I found a way to send anonymous texts using a free website, maybe this would be an easy way to deliver a short message that "so and so is positive for genital herpes but doesn't tell the people he dates. You may want to get tested if you have been with him."

Ug. Why do I care? I hate that he's still doing it to people. I just want to move on. I don't need any more involvement with him but it's hard to look the other way when I see him out there doing harm again.

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MsLucy

This thread dropped off my radar for a while, so I just read the last posts.

Almostgotit... lets see if we can put this in a different perspective for you before you send that 'anonymous' email. First of all, when he starts getting shit from the women you send it to, and they tell him they got an 'anonymous' email, he's going to know exactly who it came from. So much for 'anonymity'. Maybe you're okay with that, but be prepared to get some serious flak over it if he puts two and two together. Just sayin.

Secondly... lets just say you're the one with herpes who can't quite wrap your head around it, can't accept it, or can't work up the courage to tell a prospective partner. It's something you can't even admit to yourself, much less to someone else. But, then here comes this 'anonymous' email to all your friends, informing them that you've got herpes... hey, better steer clear of her, guys. She's got herpes! How would it feel to have the most private, painful issue in your life sent out for the whole world to have a go at? Humiliating? Embarrassing? Mortifying? Infuriating? How about 'all of the above'?

Like RealisticGal said, testing negative at one month doesn't mean you've skated. Hopefully, you have, but there's no guarantee. If you do test postive in the future, this same issue is one that's going to become very personal to you. If that does happen, you'll find out for yourself how disconcerting having that 'talk' can be. And, trust me, the last thing you're going to want is some do-gooder, who feels personally responsible for saving the world from herpes carriers, sending an 'anonymous' email to your friends, and laying your personal, private issues out on the table for everyone to see.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Good words to live by. We can't control the actions of others, but we can control our own, and the first step to balance in our lives is to stop trying to make everyone else conform to the standards we set for ourselves. Rethink that email. It won't change anything in a positive way for anyone, including you.

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ICherri

I am going to disagree with most.

First I feel u should move on wit ur life and get tested again in 6months. There is no point in staying so involved in someone elses life. It will only prevent u from focusing on ur goals in life.

As for the other women..its really a personal moral question and one I feel u should make on ur own cause only u have to deal with ur guilt.

Alot of times in ur society we tend to look the other way and mind ur own business..but in reality is that always best?

That is y abuse..sexual..physical and emotional has been allowed to grow..y NOW people are reporting abuse that happen to them as children. Back then we didnt tell,on abusers and ruin thier reputation!!! If they arent abusing us then its none of ur concern.

Have I told on someone who had HSV and was spreading without telling..yes..I felt it was the right thing to do..I do not regret it cause I only have to face my own demons at night.

What came of it...well it stopped the person from being sexual wit this person who had HSV but did not stop the person wit HSV from having sex wit others without tellin

I didnt tell to punish and shame anyone but to offer a choice to someone when that choice was not offered.

I feel others on here are addressing the stigma of HSV..this need to tell on others in a way to some spreads the stigma but I feel the stigma spreads due to all the hush hush surrounding HSV. If u tell on someone for having HSV then ur a terrible person..doesnt that in itself spread stigma?

By telling I didnt ruin anyones life...people are gonna do what they wanna do.

But I DID talk to the person wit HSV first and tell them to stop and it wasnt until they were like f you that I in person told the negative HSV person.

It is a fine line but u have to ask urself y are u telling and what can come from it?

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