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SheIsBlue

Can't Stop Crying :-( (very long post)

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SheIsBlue

If you were following my post under dating, I was trying to be optimistic, but trust me, I'm not feeling it. I finally found my soulmate, the man of my dreams and now he is gone. I haven't stopped crying since.

From the first moment we met, it was amazing. Like we had known each other forever. We fit just like hand in glove. We saw each other five times the first week. We spent time just cuddling and kissing and wrapping ourselves around each other and not letting go. I never wanted to leave. On the 8th day, when I gave him the talk, I told him I had to let him go, I had to protect him. I didn't want to see him hurt. He said he fell for me really hard. I left his house crying. He texted me the next day saying he wanted to learn more about it, wanted to be there for me, for us. I didn't hear from him for 3 days, so I sent him cookies to thank him. I thought we were done. I was so miserable that day, I texted him and said "can I come over for a cookie?" and he replied yes. We spent another blissfull night wrapped in each other's arms. We went on a date again several days later.

When I didn't hear from him for 4 days after that, I knew he was afraid. I sent him this beautiful letter, saying that I was letting him go. I really just wanted to make it easy for him. I told him I didn't want him to make sacrifices for me; that he would only come to resent me later. I told him I would treasure our time together forever. The tears never stop. I can barely see the screen while I type this.

Two days later he texted me again, saying I am always on his mind. So I went to see him again, and we spent the night just cuddling. I just love being with him, I never want to leave. He said he wanted to see me the following day, but when I texted him, he said he had plans. He showed up later at the place we hang out at, we had fun drinking and dancing then he abruptly left. I went to his home an hour later and asked him what was going on. He said he was so confused his head was spinning. He made an excuse about why the relationship wouldn't work. Before he could say one more thing, I was out the door.

He texted me the next day saying he needed time to chill and focus on his business, it is Christmas after all. I texted back saying that I could take a hint, a lady knows when to walk away. I told him good bye and that I would miss him forever.

I haven't stopped crying since. That was 4 days ago. I was Christmas shopping tonight, seeing all the things in the store I would have bought him if we were a couple. I was crying my eyes out in the store. I stopped at a bar on the way home and texted him saying that I missed him. I haven't heard back. Cannot stop crying.

I have to respect him and his decision to stay away. I just shut my phone off and threw it in my purse so I don't have to look at it.

But now you can see why I am so confused about how many more times I want to put my heart out there. I am shaking as I write this, the tears flowing.

I don't want to be alone forever. I am so lonely and scared. I miss having someone to hold and touch and hug and kiss. I am so confused I don't know what the hell to do.

I hate this so much. :cry:

I want the hurt to go away.:cry:

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MsLucy

I know you're hurting, and I don't want to add fuel to the fire but, reading through your post, it seems to me that if you hadn't tried so hard to push him away, he'd still be there. Plus, on top of that, you pushed him away, then you went running back. You pushed him away, then went running back. Not only are you not sure what you want, you probably confused the hell out of him, too. You're on, you're off. You're on, you're off. That will wear out anyone's interest.

One thing you have to realize is, although herpes may be all-consuming to you, for a lot of people, it's not a deal-breaker. And, if you ever want to find the relationship you seek, you're going to have to trust that person to decide for themselves what's most important to them, and stop trying to make that decision for them.

This guy might have stayed if you hadn't let your own fear and paranoia get in the way. That's something you're going to have to overcome, or it's going to keep getting in the way. Stop being afraid of yourself. It's a virus. Nothing more, nothing less.

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SheIsBlue

MsLucy, I appreciate what you are saying, but you don't know all of the facts; I left some pertinent ones out. I immediately let him go because he was such a nice guy, I didn't ever want him to get this virus. I told him he deserves to find a beautiful woman and have a wonderful love life and fulfilling sex life. I never expected to see him again, let alone get a text saying he wanted to be there for me. So, I opened up to the fact that he may stay; I gave him as much time as he needed to think things through. He went from texting every day to every 3 or 4 days. At one point, I didn't hear from him for several days, so I texted just to be sure he was ok, and he was having dinner with someone else. That's when I sent the letter; I knew I was losing him. I just tried to be there each time, in case he wanted to stay. We almost had sex several times. I told him I had protection if he wanted to pursue it, but he just couldn't bring himself to go through with it.

Truth is, he has so much on his plate right now, I am sure he doesn't want to deal with this crap too. He told me he was scared. Men aren't afraid of too many things. When they admit that they are afraid, it is a big deal. I could see he was struggling with this. I don't regret my decision to let him go or walk away, it's what I wanted for him to begin with. He deserves so much more than I can give him. I didn't realize how much I liked him until he was gone. We only knew each other three weeks. I have never felt this strongly about a person in such a short time. It really goes against everything I have ever experienced in other relationships. It usually takes time to get to know someone and feel so strongly about them. Believe me, we were both caught in the whirlwind of surprise. For both of us, it was a first relationship in many years. We were both clearly confused about what to do.

I admit, this is a conflict for me. I have never had to do this before. I have been married for the last 24 years. I don't want to give this virus to anyone but if I don't take the risk, I will be alone forever. At the same time, I don't want to live a life of condoms and having the talk. It's humiliating to disclose something so personal. I would almost rather be celibate than go through this every time a potential lover comes along. Yes, I do have to over come this if I ever want another relationship. Unfortunately, my personal life is in turmoil at the moment. Currently, my emotions are out of control. Once I get some stability in my life again, maybe the next attempt won't be so upsetting. I have a lot of baggage right now and don't want to bring that into a relationship either.

Again, life teaches me timing is everything. It is truly not a good time for me to have a relationship. It's just that I am so lonely, I want to be with someone so badly.

In the end, I still believe I did the right thing, even though it hurts.

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SheIsBlue

You know, the first guy I dated, I liked very much. I let him go after just two dates. He thanked me for my honesty and left. It was that simple. I let the second guy go after just a week, thinking it would be as easy; do it quickly before anyone gets attached. This went beyond any logic, however.

For some unknown reason, I was drawn to him by some power greater than I have every known. We only knew each other 3 weeks. I really don't know anything about him. He clearly doesn't know anything about me. I am not sure he even knew my last name. I never wanted to leave him. I always missed him. I have been crying like crazy since I left him. What the hell? This is nuts. I never felt this way about my own husband, and I married him.

The guy was having the same strange feelings. He said he felt so close to me, he could not explain it nor express it. I was always on his mind, he couldn't concentrate, he was doing crazy stuff. He asked one day "why is this happening?" and I replied "beats the hell out of me". He knew I wanted a better life for him but that I liked him very much. He also knew he was afraid to be with me but liked me very much.

This was much more than like, but it wasn't love either, because love takes time to grow. After much reflection, I determined that it was a closeness of our inner beings, our souls. It was something so peaceful, quiet and comforting; real and so natural. I have heard of the term soulmate. I always wondered if I would have one and what it would be like. Well now I know and it's amazing. When I was with him, the rest of the world didn't exist. I was like floating on a cloud. My smile never left my face.

I am glad I got the opportunity to meet my soulmate. It is an experience like no other. I have sent him on to a better life than he would have had with me. I hope he finds happiness.

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SheIsBlue

Hey everyone, if you have been following this post, see my new one under chit chat lounge.

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