hi

[jenhof]

hello everyone. my name is jenny, and i have genital herpes and hpv, both as a result of rape almost three years ago now. i keep plugging in to different places, and never find any real support because the sites have died down. i'm hoping this isn't one of those things, because i'm having a hard time. i'm married to a wonderful man who means the world to me, and i'm so scared, every time we make love, that i'm going to get him sick. we've been married for almost two years, and he knew before we got married what he was getting into, but said it was worth the risk. i don't feel like i deserve such a man, and i feel soooo guilty all the time, because if i hadn't gotten into the situation i got into, i wouldn't be having this concern in the first place!! and he wouldn't have to deal with it, either. i took valtrex for a while, but i wasn't doing so well with it, so haven't taken it for over a year. so far, no breakouts, which is in itself amazing! especially since my first one was so horrendous, i almost had to be hospitalized. (i'm not exaggerating)

anyway, i guess i mostly wanted to say hi and say there's hope for people to find partners who love you enough to get past the whole herpes/std thing, but i also wanted to say, if any of you pray, please do for me, because i'm pretty sure the herpes has spread to my eyes. i have the fuzzy eyesight that my doctors can't figure out or fix with prescription lenses, the constant headaches, always feeling like there's something inside my eye, just under my eyelid, and they aren't producing any moisture except for when i cry, which would be a good thing, but isn't, because it's not that there's nothing to ever cry about, it's that the tears don't come. i'm terrified of needles, but i don't want to go blind, either, but the thought of an injection straight into my eyeball makes me want to scream in horror...

ok, so those are my petty little things.... i know so many people have more breakouts, so many people have worse symptoms in the eyes and the other "herpes areas", but i guess i kind of freak out about little things sometimes. and the thought of going blind isn't really that little. anyway. that's my story, i guess.

[Caliope]

For starters I've found this forum to be very supportive and I hope you have the same experience.

Your story is very sad. When I was very young I was raped and I can say that the mental anguish has been the worst part for me. My body healed but the thoughts I carry about how I feel about that event have altered my life forever. I'm sorry you've had it so rough. But no matter who you are or what you were doing or what the situation you believe you got yourself into - no one deserves to be raped. Someone made the choice to violate you and it is not your fault.

I'd also go so far as to say that stigma or no stigma having herpes is only a virus. It can cause physical discomfort but it does not define who you are. It doesn't define anyone who suffers from it. We have the power to let it destroy us or we can rise above and be the strong beautiful individuals we were always meant to be. There are so many wonderful people on this site. Strong, intelligent and worthwhile individuals with so much to offer. We're human and we sometimes cry and worry and share our pain but it is part of what lets us help each other.

It's good to hear that you have a loving husband who is there for you. It's important to be loved and accepted. There is a chance you can infect him but then again I have heard of couples where their partner did not get it. My bf hasn't gotten it from me and more than two years have passed. I didn't start suppressive therapy until January of this year.

RE: your eyes I would urge you to consider second opinions and see other drs until you find someone who can help you. Not knowing is frightening. I don't know personally about herpes infections in the eyes but I would recommend that you see an eye specialist if you can. Is it possible that you are experiencing problems with your tear ducts and they are blocked? I know this can cause ulcers on the eyes and can lead to vision problems or worse.

God Bless.

[jenhof]

thank you so much for your encouragement! it means a lot to me. =) one doctor did suggest that my tear ducts might be blocked, but then couldn't find anything to back that up. so we'll see what happens. i have another appointment with a different eye doctor next week.