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bobsmum

Supprtive but not really supportive friends...Anyone else?

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bobsmum

So I have been open with my friends and all my closest friends know my situation. They are very supportive when it comes to some things, such as when I have had the talk if the guy doesn't appear to be taking it well they will say oh well, plenty more fish in the sea, its not such a big deal so if he can't deal with it then there will be plenty who will etc etc. But when it comes to me talking to them about having the talk...well! It's all "God, I would hate to be in your position!" "I don't know HOW you have that talk, awkward or what!?" "Wow, I bet it sucks having to bring this up, I feel sorry for you, I really do!" I don't think they are *trying* to sound so negative and make me feel even worse, but that's what happens!

I am possibly going to be having the talk with a new guy soon, and I just want to feel confident about it, so I don't like to talk to them about it as I know they will make me feel more nervous. But, because they all know my situation and, being my closest friends, also know my dating life, they ask me how I'm feeling about it and if I am going to be having the talk. So I suppose, in all honesty, they are very supportive, I just wish they would choose their words more wisely haha.

How do other people's friends react? I mean they were fine when I told them, but beings as I won't be having sex with them it's not like they have anything to worry about! ;) But when it comes to friends and your dating life, how are they?

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hatsu

hi, bob.

have you told your friends how you feel, when they act that way towards you? since they're your close friends, I think it should be ok for you tell them that they're hurting your feelings when they say things like that. if I'm being rude about what I'm going to say, I apologize from now. I don't understand why your friends seem to constantly harass you about giving the " talk ", when you're already feeling nervous about it? I would feel pressured and annoyed, because I'm already driving myself crazy about thinking about it day and night. so just tell them how you feel, and hopefully they'll ease off.

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bobsmum

Actually I never have, just because I always get defensive and tell them it's not a big deal!!! Which is silly, because if I said to them that makes me feel bad, they wouldn't say it. I know they wouldn't, but I don't like to admit that what people say upsets me, it's one of my "bad habits" I suppose. Perhaps I should just tell them that though, I actually feel really dumb that it never even crossed my mind to say that haha

And I worded my original post really badly, they don't constantly harass me at all, they just ask me about it when it seems someone I am dating! But don't be sorry, you are more than welcome to say whatever comes to mind when reading my posts :)

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Acesheart
So I have been open with my friends and all my closest friends know my situation. They are very supportive when it comes to some things, such as when I have had the talk if the guy doesn't appear to be taking it well they will say oh well, plenty more fish in the sea, its not such a big deal so if he can't deal with it then there will be plenty who will etc etc. But when it comes to me talking to them about having the talk...well! It's all "God, I would hate to be in your position!" "I don't know HOW you have that talk, awkward or what!?" "Wow, I bet it sucks having to bring this up, I feel sorry for you, I really do!" I don't think they are *trying* to sound so negative and make me feel even worse, but that's what happens!

I am possibly going to be having the talk with a new guy soon, and I just want to feel confident about it, so I don't like to talk to them about it as I know they will make me feel more nervous. But, because they all know my situation and, being my closest friends, also know my dating life, they ask me how I'm feeling about it and if I am going to be having the talk. So I suppose, in all honesty, they are very supportive, I just wish they would choose their words more wisely haha.

How do other people's friends react? I mean they were fine when I told them, but beings as I won't be having sex with them it's not like they have anything to worry about! ;) But when it comes to friends and your dating life, how are they?

Hey bobsmum , I only told now hubby before we ever went out. My ex husband outted me to all our so called friends, so guess who they believed? He told all these people I worked with and who I served, I was bartender too, so naturally I had to see them daily, having an outbreak and in the process of divorce :( . I have only told now hubby. Doctors and just recently my daughter. She was going off to college and I wanted her educated, she is bisexual. She thought you could only get h by having vaginal sexy times. I explained that oral sexy times can transmit h1 oral to the genitals too.

I have never in 25.years had a friend to confide in. Some who are my husbands friends, talk about one another, gossip about what they were told as private. That is a key sign for me that they Would talk about me like that too if they knew! A true friend keeps your secrets. I don't have outside friends, well not outside of here . I talk here, I waited 24 years to talk h. This place has been my safe haven, my godsend! :) . I don't worry when I'm here and I have made loads of wonderful friends here. I'm open here and fear nothing. Outside my husband has high profile job, they would judge him for my h. I know this to be true. They make ignorant jokes and tell false information on herps. I try not to tolerate it. My husband and I have walked out of events and gatherings, he knows I hate stupid people. I would never make my h about him. He understands this pain I feel when his coworkers talk trash. I have had more migraines than anyone on the planet, our excuse when we leave an event.

There is a sticky thread in the Dating and Relationship section by user : JBnATL: on the talk. He has had h1 and h2 longer than me, and has given this talk many times with much success! Check it out, print it out. Also our lovely herpes Library has a link on Telling a Partner. It's good you have outside support, very important thing. Take care and check out those links. Much luck and cyber hugs Truly, Ace :hithere:

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hatsu

@bobsmum. thanks for saying that, bob :). that's very kind of you.

@Ace. I'm sorry you have to go through all of those awefule events, Ace :( . that's one thing I don't think will change with society, about STD's sadly.

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Acesheart

Hey hatsu I agree! But just because people think that way, doesn't mean we have to. I have always been a move to the beat of my own drum girl. Never had any role models to look up to. But I will not I refuse to he hyprocrite about herpes. When people talk , I excuse myself, I refuse to laugh, out side this forum, or make jokes, outside this forum, about herps. We joke here because we experience it. All the emotions and the pains, the ups and downs, we live it, here in this forum I have learned to ease up on my h. I used to go into doctors office feeling like OMG, another person is going to know! But now after being here for over a year, heck I'm like "yes Dr supressive therapy for herpes" i even said its name Herpes! I was very proud, and I actually taught my newest doctor some new things too! JB and a few others have taught me so much. My doctor and I talk freely now, I'm confident now, something I have never, ever been when talking to Dr's. So it has been a great learning experience for me personally. But here is where all my friends , True Friends, are :) .

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elle7

Bobsmum,

I tried telling some of my friends about it when I got it or when I got closer with them and realized that it was almost completely pointless. Having one very close friend who knows and understands it should suffice, as I've found that most people do not understand the struggles behind herpes unless they have it themselves----not to say your friends aren't trying to be supportive!

As for telling someone, tell the lover-to-be ahead of time that you will need to talk to them about something. This gives you time to figure out how to say it and what to say exactly; it also puts a deadline on when you will have to tell them. When delivering the news, just tell them matter-of-factly that you have herpes and explain how you deal with it. Assure them that taking the right precautions will significantly decrease your chances of spreading it (or will make it nearly impossible) and ask them if they have any questions. Sometimes the person will be completely overwhelmed, in which case it's best to tell them to think about what you told them and to discuss more later (giving them time to research and such).

I've found this works well.

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