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smgrl

Never told before, now I'm afraid I waited too long

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smgrl

I got cold sores from my mother when I was a child. However, a mixture of my mother's nonchalance and my fear of being treated like a pariah has stopped me from ever telling anyone, including my sexual partners. But now I have a boyfriend that I really care about and I find myself unable to admit to him that I have Type-1 Herpes.

I've slept with a lot more people than him. He's very uncomfortable with this and has even referred to me as "dirty" before because of it.

I should have done it a long time ago, and I'm afraid that I've had to lie to him about it to keep it a secret, but I have never told anyone before other than my doctor and my mother. It will probably mean the end of my relationship if I tell him. I'm going through a really rough time right now, and this is (and will) just add to my depression and anxiety, but I guess it's got to be done.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could soften the blow?

I'm thinking about asking him if he has ever had a cold sore to start out with. If he's had one, that will be great news (because it'll be a non-issue) but if not then I'll still have to tell him and he's going to be furious.

Thoughts?

Note: I don't think he's ever been tested, but he's completely convinced that because he's only had sex with 2 other people that it's impossible that he has any STIs.

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RealisticGal
I got cold sores from my mother when I was a child. However, a mixture of my mother's nonchalance and my fear of being treated like a pariah has stopped me from ever telling anyone, including my sexual partners. But now I have a boyfriend that I really care about and I find myself unable to admit to him that I have Type-1 Herpes.

So you are telling us you have oral herpes, right?

And you believe you got it from your mother --- I'm assuming that was through casual contact like a kiss on the cheek?

Do you still get cold sore outbreaks?

I've slept with a lot more people than him. He's very uncomfortable with this and has even referred to me as "dirty" before because of it.

Really? Do you believe it is okay for him to say that about you?

I don't. :madd:

I get it that you care about him, but you need to care about yourself, too!

You should not put up with that sort of unacceptable behavior on his part.

I should have done it a long time ago, and I'm afraid that I've had to lie to him about it to keep it a secret, but I have never told anyone before other than my doctor and my mother. It will probably mean the end of my relationship if I tell him. I'm going through a really rough time right now, and this is (and will) just add to my depression and anxiety, but I guess it's got to be done.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could soften the blow?

I'm thinking about asking him if he has ever had a cold sore to start out with. If he's had one, that will be great news (because it'll be a non-issue) but if not then I'll still have to tell him and he's going to be furious.

Thoughts?

Note: I don't think he's ever been tested, but he's completely convinced that because he's only had sex with 2 other people that it's impossible that he has any STIs.

Asking someone if they have ever had a cold sore is a reasonable way to start the conversation about this. I don't see any need to "soften the blow." The virus you have is the same one the vast majority of humans on this planet have.

One thing you do need to understand: If you have oral herpes that you got from your mother when you were a child, you do not have an STI.

Yes, if you have oral herpes, then you do have the Herpes simplex virus.

But if you got it through casual contact, it is not considered a sexually transmitted infection --- very simply --- because it was not transmitted by way of intimate sexual activity.

Roughly 50% to 80% of adults in North America have oral herpes.

If this guy does not have oral herpes, then he is in the minority. If he hasn't been tested, though, there is a very good chance he actually does have oral herpes without knowing it. Did you know that most of the people who have HSV do not know that they have it?

I am very put off by the idea of this guy calling you "dirty." You know him and you are worried that he will be "furious" when you tell him about having a common, mostly harmless virus that the majority of the human race carries. The idea that he may be furious is also very troubling.

Please give some serious thought to this situation...

:wavey:

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