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MissAnonymiss

On the verge of a break up?

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MissAnonymiss

I am on the verge of breaking up with my longterm, serious boyfriend. Really we could be apart any day now. Herpes has ruined us immensely and it is proving harder to stay together with our pain and problems than to be apart. I am very scared because this means I am going to be alone for a while. I know I am not ready for a relationship yet, this has been my first true love and a 2 year relationship and I know I will need time to heal.

I just know being alone with this is going to be massively hard. I used to cry about not finding the right guy when I was fine, I can't even imagine the pain I am about to feel like this. I'm only 21, but I am looking to settle down in the next 5 years. I want a loving husband, a solid career, a healthy sex life, and a family. I know that much. I'm afraid I may never be able to have that or may have to sacrifice some of my wants/needs for parts of it...

Has anyone else had to deal with a break up with h? How were you able to cope and move forward? It's really hard for me to stay strong right now...

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tomt

I broke up with my ex about a year and a bit ago and thought i'd never find anyone or only find someone else with herpes.

I'd kind of become jaded with relationships anyway but I'm not sure if that's down to herpes or not.

A few months after we split up I did end up sleeping with a Norweigian girl who was in the country on an extended weekend, I told her and she said she knew someone who already had it and she was fine with it, we never really kept in contact after that.

Then I didn't really see anyone after that apart from kissing the odd girl but I shyed away from telling anyone. I tried some herpes dating sites and met a few girls and slept with one but I never met anyone I really liked.

So I resigned myself to not finding anyone and maybe just having the odd bit of sex with someone from a herpes dating website.

But then about a month and a half ago (10th of november to be precise) I was out one night with a friend (I was quite drunk) and another friend walks in with this girl and she sits down next to me and we hit it off straight away. I'm worrying that I've got herpes and I really, really like her but I'm also worrying because she's walked in with my friend. Anyway I'm talking to my other friend and he's saying how she really likes me because she can't keep her eyes off me, so I tell him that I'm crazy about her too. He tells me to talk to my friend so much later on after building up the courage I tell my friend and he says it's fine.

I then walk her home and we kiss.

I take her out for a few drinks, more kissing. Then I go to an exhibition she's putting on and afterwards I walk her home and we go in her house, I then give her the talk...

She's incredible about it and really supportive, I tell her she doesn't have to make any decisions yet and she tells me she has a weakened immune system but she's still not put off.

We fool around and do other things and it's incredible and after a few weeks we're an item. Then about a week later she tells me she wants to have sex with me and that me actually telling her has brought us closer together and she trusts me.

I then went to the doctors and got some antivirals and she checked that nothing bad would happen because of her immune system.

Then yesterday well... i'm a gentleman and one shouldn't reveal these things but it was amazing :D

I'm completely head over heels for this girl and I have never met anyone like her in my life before, it's only been just over a month so I might sound like a lovestruck teenager but During my last relationship my libido went right down and I became pretty cynical about relationships and whether I would ever find anyone or be that bothered about sex.

But now it's like a total reversal.

I'm also a non spiritual person and an atheist but it's like I've found my soulmate.

My mouth aches from smiling and laughing so much. She's already met my mum and my sister and I've met her mum, her childhood friend and stayed with some of her really close friends and they all say that they've never seen either of us so happy. We're going away to Denmark next month and we're already talking about moving abroad together.

I'm not saying that everyone will find this and it's only been a short time so who knows what will happen but don't give up hope.

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MissAnonymiss

This post has given me so much hope, I really have to thank you for writing this and sharing your experience. It's also nice seeing a guy's perspective. The kind of relationship you are describing is exactly what I want in the future and I pray and hope I will be able to have it. Right now I know I am nowhere near ready for any type of dating or relationship as I am where you were after your break up, very bitter and turned off to any kind of thought of a relationship.

It's funny I think I may do the same thing with dating sites. I'm a really sexual girl so it would be nice to hook up every now and then. I think I might join just for that purpose, maybe. My soon to be ex did the same thing and really ruined my libido because he pushed sex multiple times a day every day and would get angry and be horrible to me if I said no. He even got mad when I rejected him during outbreaks! He really damaged my sex drive and my emotional trust. I probably need a break from anything with another person, but I don't know...sex seems like something I could deal with in a few months. As far as anything serious, I may need a year or so to calm down off of this. Maybe more. I just know I am making a promise to myself to never date a jerk again. I will make sure I only date compassionate, caring men in the future who can accept me for me.

Again thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel like there is hope for me, somewhere, somehow, after all...

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burtsbee

MissAnonymiss, I know what you are going through. My boyfriend and i have been together almost a year he's the one who gave me herpes. Im not sure if he already had them or gave them to me through a cold sore. But anyways. the last couple months we've been in a long distance relationship because he moved and everything has been fine, he was supportive of when I found out about the herpes. But something happened within the last couple days, I have no idea what, but he won't even speak to me. I don't want to lose him but it's not fair to me to be ignored and mistreated. I also worry about finding another relationship. I'm okay with being single but eventually I want to settle down you know, get hitched and have a family.I don't know how to go about telling someone about herpes. How do you know you can trust someone or how do you know you're not going to piss them off by "wasting" their time. I know that if I never would've got herpes I would stay away from someone who had them. I feel like people hear the word herpes and they completly change their views about you. My mom, my boyfriend (ex, whatever he is) and my best friend are the only people who know. Im afraid of dating, people finding out and being alone for the rest of my life.

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tomt

MissAnonymiss you sound like you've got your head screwed on just take your time and don't worry, they'll be bad days but stay strong and forgive other people and yourself for any mistakes you've made you can't dwell on the past just deal with the future. You only get one life so make the most of it no matter what it deals you. My girl told me that she wants to live life as much as she can and she has never felt this way so even though I have herpes she says she's prepared to risk it, I hope you find someone as understanding as I have.

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Red19

MissAnonymiss, I feel you, I too am in the same situation. I'm with the guy who gave it to me. Things are quite rocky between us right now. We moved away together so I'm here, with no friends, family or support group (why I've joined this site). I keep tossing the question around in my head as well... Do I want to stay with him because I love him and we can work through our issues like adults? Or am I only staying with him out sheer fear of future rejection. I cant quite figure it out. It's extremely infuriating to have something like this run your instincts in circles. My advice to you, is evaluate the relationship for what it is, disregarding the herpes. Would you leave or break up if you weren't infected? I'm trying to convince myself as well that herpes is not the reason to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy situation. The stress generated from it only makes the outbreaks worse and more frequent. I can't promise you anything because I too am skeptical. But I will tell you that you cannot live your life in fear and uncertainty. Just remember we're all in the same game; just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils. We are imperfect just as every single person, herpes or not, is imperfect. You'll find what you're looking for someday, we all will.

Good luck

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MissAnonymiss

Thank you everyone for your stories. Burtsbee, sounds like you are going through a lot of the thoughts I am too. If the guy is not talking to you that is really mean. I hope he gets back to you and is more open about his feelings. If not you know what to do, it's not worth being with a guy who is insensitive or distant, especially when you feel like this...it's hard enough being physically distant but emotionally distant has always been a no no for me.

Tomt, thanks again. I am doing my best to get through this. Your story inspires me and I'm just going to keep going on with life and see what happens. I'm sure the best is yet to come! I'm too young to give up! :p I'm doing my best to forgive too. There is nothing positive that comes out of holding grudges, I am learning this each and every day.

Red19, if you ever need to talk to someone I am here! I moved in with my guy away from all my close friends and family too! I also am going to college in the area which helps, but I feel the same as you. I can be your friend and you can message me any time. :) I know how it feels. It's especially scary when you have invested all your energy, love, and time into a person and now feel as if it is heading towards disaster. I'm very emotionally confused about what I want with him. I've broken up with him before when he acted the way he is acting, this was before herpes, so part of me feels like it's time to go again. Then he comes back, says all the right things and does them for a while, and makes me want to stay. Ugh! This is what I get for falling in love with a salesman!

This time, I don't trust it fully yet though so I am getting space as I moved into an apartment with a few college girl friends, and I am figuring out what's best for me. It was a hard step to take but he is being supportive of this, despite some anger for a while. I know I don't need to make a decision right away now or just yet, so I am taking time to do my passions and hobbies while focusing on school until I do figure out what is best for me. I haven't broken up but I am just getting my own independence back because it was unhealthy to be so reliant on him and only him. I felt myself really losing my own identity and life and at the end of the day it made me really resent him. So far he is supportive of my ideas and wants me to get my space if it will keep us together. So much is going on in my relationship I'm starting to even wonder if I am even ok to be in one.

Oh well, life goes on. I'm just taking things day by day by doing what's best for me! I feel like having my own life outside of my boyfriend will give me more clarity of what I want, maybe the same can happen for you too. I know how it feels when you are alone with the one you love and it is not working. It feels like your life is ruined because all you have in it is him and if that's not working, then you feel as if your life isn't either. It doesn't have to be this way though. Just find things outside of your relationship that make you happy and focus more on those for a while. :)

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dm85

Tomt,

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that if I ever find a non-H girl who's that into me, that she'll be as understanding and supportive as your girl was. I'm only a month into having H and it has left me totally jaded. I've lost total motivation for ever trying to find a serious relationship right now. I've tried the positive singles site for a little bit but there's just not a lot of people on there from my area. I think it will take a while before I'll ever return to a state of mind where I want to try the dating scene again.

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