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Red19

Is this the only thing keeping me in the relationship?

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Red19

Hey everyone,

Let me share my story with you-- looking for some unbiased advice

I met a man back home, and the relationship just took of from the first kiss. All of these emotions ran wild in my heart and I knew there was something different about this one.

Backstory: My whole life I've been extremely cautious when getting intimately involved with someone. I've had a very small number of partners, less than 10.

So I ask him, "Do you have anything?"

-- "No I don't."

and then we resume and the rest is history.

A few days later I noticed there was something terribly wrong. I felt a burning and itching and tiny little blisters started to appear. I thought for some reason it was a flea problem. (they were everyone at the time).

So for about a day I made excuses in my head. Then I went to the doctor.

It's true. I have herpes. I felt like my entire world came crashing down in that doctors office.

Luckily he went with me and was there to console me afterwards. He brought me home to sleep and relax and surprised me with an orchid. (my favorite). He told me that this was something we would get through together and that it didn't change how he felt about me.

!!! alarms went off.

Did he KNOW this before? Does he think I got it somewhere else? many questions filled my head only to be met with calm answers by him.

No, he did not know that he had it. and yes, briefly he thought for a moment that I got it elsewhere. My doctor however told me that if someone is to get the herpes virus that it will appear within a few days. And also told me that my boyfriend could just simply be a carrier with no symptoms.

This became the topic of discussion for a while between us.

Five days later, he told me he loved me. A month later we moved away together.

It's 7 months later and I'm starting to analyze....

I met a man, who I started out a relationship with, with a tragedy. Feel in love and moved away, and was promised the world.

It's been six months since we moved and we fight, ALL THE TIME. I support him completely financially and I can't help but wonder if he really means it when he says I love you. Only until just recently I haven't been able to live with the fact that I have herpes. I was fine, for the last seven months and counted myself lucky that I didn't have to face this alone. I felt like I found the man I was going to marry and what difference was it anyway.

I hate to say this, I do... but I feel now that this is why I am putting up with the emotional torment and stress of supporting not only myself, but him as well. He has made little to no effort to find a career and help with anything. But I feel stuck. Bound to him because of the virus I have. I am strong, independent and very ambitious but I feel crippled by the fact that no one will see these things in me if I happen to ever be single again.

I don't want herpes to be the reason I allow myself to settle. I've never had these doubts about our relationship until just recently. And it's all because of the way he has allowed me to absorb every responsibility and make no contribution to help. When I confront him about my worries, he gets defensive. I'm starting to wonder if he is in fact just crafty with manipulation. He's very different from when I met him. Be as it may, a short time ago.

I'm just feel scared that I've made my bed already.

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Guest AlUrker

Your bed is never made for good. Might be painful, stressful, even frightening to end the relationship but there is always a way out. I believe that herpes should never be the only reason you start a relationship with someone and never the only reason to end one. Yes, having it and being honest about it with potential partners is tough but it's not impossible to find someone that will accept you for who you are instead of what virus you have. Finding the right life partner has many factors, h is only one of them.

Just my opinion but it sounds like you're on the road to an abusive relationship with this guy.... the mental part seems to have already started. If he takes it physical do yourself a favor and run the first time, don't rationalize it.

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Red19

I really agree with what you've said. And deep down I know it's unreasonable to stay with someone for security from rejection. I'm still very new to all of this so of course the uncertainty of finding future happiness is there. I'm glad I joined this network. And I think I have a lot to learn from having this virus.

Thank you for your support

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Guest AlUrker

Lots of people end relationships when they're uncertain of finding future happiness.... and they don't even have the virus. Don't give it that kind of control over your decision making. Look around, I guarantee you know people that can't find anyone because they don't like the shoes the guy wore with his jeans on the first date or the girl's laugh was weird. Point is, you're just as likely to get rejected for something stupid as you are for having the virus. Sometimes you have to just go with what you feel deep down and let hope carry you onward. In my case I can usually look back and say I did the right thing when I've done that.

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MissAnonymiss

You're story is so similar to mine it almost is completely echoed down to even the last detail (I thought I had flea bites too lol). I responded in my thread to your post by the way, but in short I know exactly how you feel and I'm going through it right now too. It's really hard to feel like your relationship is failing when you are isolated and far away from the rest of your loved ones. It's almost as if your own world and life is completely failing when your relationship is.

The best advice I have is to gain some of your independence and space back. If you have money, I'd suggest getting out and getting your own place for a while. Otherwise I suggest getting hobbies and interests outside of your boyfriend that you can go to during your spare time. It's hard when you feel trapped to even think about breaking up, I know this, it's like your relationship issues are compounded by the fact you feel alone and scared in your own skin with this disease. Just know you don't have to make any decisions right now about your relationship, but you do need to ask yourself if you are happy like this. Is your boyfriend against you having your own friends and interests? If so that's a sign of control and that's very worrisome. You should NOT be supporting him only. I was doing this for a while with my boyfriend and it got too ridiculous as I am a college student and really don't have enough money to even support myself! I would insist he gets a job. You are his girlfriend not his mother. What is he actually doing with his life?

If you need anyone to talk to, please message me. I'm going through the same thing and I was exactly in your position months ago. I am currently doing my best to gain back my independence and if my man is worth it we will work through these new changes and our relationship with thrive. Otherwise, I know I did the best thing for me and at the end of the day that's what counts.

In the mean time, do you have free time to maybe visit your family or a close friend back home? If you do I would take that time to distance yourself from the relationship and really focus on what you want. When you are living day to day with someone you forget your own wants and desires easily to appease the relationship. I think you really need your space to figure out what's best for you and to reevaluate if this is what you want in your life. Regardless of herpes you shouldn't be in any relationship that makes you unhappy. If this isn't the right guy, you will find him one day. We all will.

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lenni

Hey Red - I just wanted to say, I went through something similar with someone, though herpes wasn't a factor a that time (I didn't know I had it then). I can't tell you how much of a factor h is in you being with him despite the circumstances, but I know that I personally had a hard time extricating myself from the relationship even though I didn't have that as a factor. My ex was very financially irresponsible, and though he was contributing (minimally) with unemployment money, I was largely supporting us, he refused to look for a job for a long time, and he was in a bad place with debt and collectors after him. There were other ways he was loving and supportive, but he was very irresponsible in this regard and took advantage of me (and others) financially on many, many occasions. I had invested a lot in the relationship, and we had moved for each other as well and were living together. I finally ended it but it wasn't easy and was a process getting there.

As for dating again with h, I will admit it hasn't been easy. But, as much as I want a relationship, I have not gone for guys who weren't right for me or where there were red flags just because I was afraid I wouldn't find someone else because of this virus. There was one guy from a herpes dating site I actually really liked when we met up, and I was excited, then very let down by the way he acted obsessed after one date. In the past I might have given him a chance, even though he was displaying red flags, just because I wanted to be with someone. But, in spite of having h and being concerned about my dating life and opportunities, I didn't go for him. I know it is a much, much different story when you aren't already involved with someone, sharing a life with them with emotions invested. But I do think your process with this relationship will be what it is and you will make the right decisions for you when the time comes, in spite of the h virus.

I agree with missanonymiss about distancing yourself a bit and doing some things for you. Is seeing a counselor a possibility? I went to one when I was with my ex, and it was really helpful to have that outlet.

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Cymenthy

There is an old saying that you can be alone in a room full of people. A relationship should be two people working together to form a real union. Looks to me like you are trying to do that alone, and it won't work. If herpes were not the issue, and all the other problems were present, would you stay with this man under the present circumstances? I agree, that this relationship may be headed toward abuse. Have you thought that he knew he had herpes and used them for a meal ticket? Maybe that is not fair, but just a thought. Start doing things for yourself, getting out and maybe seeing a counselor, as suggested previously. This is not your fault and you do not deserve the be treated this way.

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burtsbee

I think you have already answered your own question. If you are not happy, do not stay. If he doesn't do anything to better the relationship then why should you. It's hard to leave someone who gave it to you. I'm going through it right now. But we deserve to be happy and the person we areent to be with will love us no matter what and would be willing to do anything in their power for us. If he's not willing to find a job or help support financially then that's lazy and do you want to take care of someone the rest of your life? I'm not one to push religion down on others but I do believe in god and I believe he has a plan for us. Just put your faith in him. That's what I have come to realize. It's not fair I didn't do anything wrong I wasn't promiscuous I didn't do anything to deserve herpes for the rest of my life and I'm mad as hell why me? But I'm trying to think everything happens for a reason. I'm afraid of hating the Ty who gave it to me bc I love him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but right now we aren't even talking and I'm afraid I'm going to grow to hate him for giving me this.

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F1awed

Sounds like the guy is trying to pull a fast one....your supporting him and hes a dick? Unless your most of the reason hes acting that way...drop his ass...let him pull that scheme on someone else. shitttttttt support me ill hahahah treat you better :p

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Red19

Hi there again, MissAnonymiss--

Sorry I haven't gotten back sooner. My boyfriend and I are even more rocky than we were last week. To answer a couple of your questions... He does have issues with me going out or hanging out with friends. It's a deep down jealousy issue that makes him so controlling. He thinks that somehow if I'm at a bar or with friends out somewhere, "I am looking for someone else." What the hell is that?? I know. Recently I put my foot down and decided that I do all the work and take care of everything, I deserve the RIGHT to do what I want. We've been back and forth and back again with him not having a job for the last 6 months or helping me with anything. Before I met him, I was in school for Architecture, three years actually. We moved here with the promise that I'd find a better school to finish my degree (after a year off-- it's a horrible degree for your sanity) But now he's pulling the whole "I need to get established in a career before we move again for you to finish school." I don't know how much more I can take.

I've been considering moving back home. Only in last 8 hrs. It's just a hard step to take when you have a lease that doesn't end until April.

I really wish things would get better. I do love him, I just don't know him anymore.

Here's hoping, but not for too much longer if things don't change.

I will message you--- we could be great friends :)

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Red19

Hi lenni,

It sounds like our relationships mirror each other. It's that same thing exactly. Part of me is completely fed and I gain courage to do something about it and then all of sudden i'm reminded by the blunt fact, that i have h.

The worst thing is and it's not even bad-- is that I have been completely outbreak free for about 4 months. I take valtrex every day. and NOTHING. I can count myself fortunate for that. And I forget I have the damn thing 99% of the time. The problem is, is that people, especially my age, are so misinformed about what h really is. I think about from time to time and wonder what i would have done if some great guy told me he had this before I ever did or even knew anything about it. I hate to be honest here, but I probably--most likely, would have walked away. And that raw honest feeling that I know would have been my instinct is the very truth I am now afraid of. If i wouldn't have cared to try, then why should someone else with me later on. I'm only 22 and still have a lot to learn, so maybe after some time I wont feel so guilty having h.

I appreciate your input, every bit of encouragement counts.

Cymenthy--

It's funny you say that. My mom thinks I was his meal ticket out of town too. I've wondered before if he knew about it. His answer of course was that "no previous member had ever said anything" so he made me feel like I gave it to him. which could be true, but not according to the doctor and the time period this all happened in. I hate thinking that way but I have to weigh every thought here. I feel like it's abusive in a way. He ignores me when he's angry, he physiologically torments me into thinking that every thing wrong with our relationship is my fault-- which is just bogus. I'm not that easily convinced. For a while when things got rough I had a huge reality check. I made an adult decision and I can't just quit because things are hard. I'm not naive enough to stay if this continues, I simply can't for two reasons, my mental stability and my pocket book. heh.

burtsbee-- You're right. And I hate to keep reiterating everything through all of my responses. I just feel that I owe everyone the curtesy of responding individually because you all have helped, in completely different ways with new advice and opinions. I too believe in God and plan that is made for all of us. I was meant to go through this, for an unknown reason right now. Maybe the man I marry with have it as well, and without this, I would have looked the other way when I was in dark about what h really is.

Thank you all so much for your support :) sometimes is good for others to be the sounding board of your emotions.

best of love to all of you

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