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prokaryotic

Another perspective on "the talk"

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prokaryotic

Let's assume you're dating someone and you don't know their H status.

As someone who tested positive, it's a moral high ground to tell all new partners you may be dealing with sexually your status. Fine.

Here's the problem - most of these partners ever brought it up prior to your telling them. Out of ignorance, they were basically OK with having casual sex with another person without either knowing their status or the other person's status. I was one of them, before someone pointed to me what STD panels *don't* test.

Clearly, the person with H has the higher moral ground here, for disclosing in concern for the other person's health. But that person's the one treated as dirty, as a leper.

How come the person with the higher moral ground gets to be the "dirty" one , while those who don't care enough to get tested, and don't care enough to inquire about their partner's status, go scot free and have as much casual sex as they like?

I'm not recommending that you don't tell anyone before you sleep with them. You definitely should.

However, I recommend that the "talk" be redefined - not the way it is now, with the infected person basically submitting themselves to the other for approval. Rather, it should be from a position of power and knowledge.

I suggest that the other person be asked if they had ever been tested for HSV. If they haven't, require that they get tested before you continue.

If someone refuses, then there's a problem right there. Why are they refusing? there are worse things out there than HSV.

If they turn out positive, then well there's no issues.

If they turn out negative, then disclose. Maybe the whole experience would help them learn about the disease better.

This is only fair.

After all, why is this skin condition so stigmatized? Because the true extent of this is not know, no one's educated about it, and no one tests for it.

Well, let's bring it all out.

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AngMex

Disclosing

I understand everything you posted. After I learned of my condition, I make sure I get tested often. It is only logical to do so. I often have lab tests available for reference just in case some smart one wants to blame me. I wear a condom now, but will stop using it once there is enough trust. For some reason, I have managed to have several sexual partners without H that are willing to run the risk of having sex with me and not have a serious relationship.

Speaking of the above, of why they have trusted me, I believe there are several reasons. First, I am a person who is dedicated to being healthy. My body represents me and this in turn makes them feel comfortable enough to know that I am a healthy individual. I rarely have outbreaks. I excersice daily, eat proper foods, take a lot of herbal supplemtents. I party too, I need time off. It's not only my physical well being, but it also my mental state. When asked about H, I do not hesitate to inform them of what it is, how it is treated, and what it is that I am doing to control it. All of this, with an image of not letting this consume me, makes my potential partners feel more at ease.

Sex is a integral part of my life, and I refuse to stop having plenty of it. For this reason, I do everything in my power to remain healthy and look good. I believe firmly, that a lot of the fellow board members live an unhealthy lifestyle. A lifestyle of stress, zero excersice, poor diet and filled with negative thoughts.

The following is rather abstract, but I feel it is the key on how to live a happy life inspite of our condition. It has to do with morals. It has to do with values, with being a good person in general. How can this have anything to do with with our condition? It might not, but ask me if am happy? I am. I am sitting next to the love of life, opening a new chapter in my life that promises to be the best part of my life. How? I remained centered, a moral person, a person who gives. In other words, I go about my life treating everyone as I wish to be treated. I have been treated badly, by my ex wife. But that is over. And I did nothing to give back the hate that I received. I let go of my hate, and I must say, I can't wait to start a new day, every day.

Btw, she does not have H. :flowers:

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NearNew

I am of the same assumption to you prokaryotic.

I have not yet had the talk, I am recently diagnosed and since recently stopped seeing the person who gave me H, but I have thought a lot of how I would approach the subject of the talk.

Until I give it I am not sure how I would go about it, but in my mind I have settled with first asking the prospective person if they have ever been for a STI check, if so how long ago, until they return the question where I would disclose my situation, having some information in my pocket (head) to lay out and explain. Like I said I have not tried this talk yet and do not know if or when I will give it a go. hopefully I will find someone that I can have the talk with soon.

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Teacher
Let's assume you're dating someone and you don't know their H status.

Clearly, the person with H has the higher moral ground here, for disclosing in concern for the other person's health. But that person's the one treated as dirty, as a leper.

How come the person with the higher moral ground gets to be the "dirty" one , while those who don't care enough to get tested, and don't care enough to inquire about their partner's status, go scot free and have as much casual sex as they like?

After all, why is this skin condition so stigmatized? Because the true extent of this is not know, no one's educated about it, and no one tests for it.

Well, let's bring it all out.

I love this perspective on it because you are SO right. The ignorance I have seen throughout the years is appalling. People think that those who have herpes will look dirty, or used, or easy. No one would EVER guess by looking at me that I have it because I don't fit their imaginary profile.

And almost everyone thinks they have been tested for it w/ an STI panel. I asked one guy to show me his STI results and had to point out to him that HSV was not included on the panel. Turns out that his insurance doesn't even cover it--he would have to pay $150 out of pocket to be tested. And if I hadn't brought up STIs? He would have happily had sex w/me w/out a discussion. Dang, you are SO right on this.

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Velvet Thong

I'm not recommending that you don't tell anyone before you sleep with them. You definitely should.

[...]

However, I recommend that the "talk" be redefined - not the way it is now, with the infected person basically submitting themselves to the other for approval. Rather, it should be from a position of power and knowledge.

I suggest that the other person be asked if they had ever been tested for HSV. If they haven't, require that they get tested before you continue.

[...]

After all, why is this skin condition so stigmatized? Because the true extent of this is not know, no one's educated about it, and no one tests for it.

Well, let's bring it all out.

Prokaryotic:

Your approach makes sense to me. Although many of us are taking the 'moral high ground' when we give 'the talk', we are not necessarily looking at the overview. Many people who have herpes or other stds do not know they are carriers. there might be a tendency for us to think of ourselves as infected and stop thinking about what others might have or how they might change our lives. Everyone needs to become more informed. Your approach is more equal. It addresses the power imbalance. It is a step in the right direction.

AngMex: Thank you for sharing your experience. Recently, some males have drawn attention to the lack of male success stories here on HC Support, and it is good to hear from someone who has experience with both non-long-term sex as well as something more lasting.

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