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lauralauralaura

Here's my story.....its a doozie!

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lauralauralaura

Hello hello!!

I know that I searched the internet like crazy when I was diagnosed with genital herpes! Mostly reading stories of sobbing, hysterical, and pain suffering individuals. While I too have had those moments, I want to tell you how it happened from the beginning. I may be writting this to help myself, to hear remarks from fellow GH people, and I am MOST CERTAINLY trying to reach out to some of you ladies (or gents!) that are going through what I did. So please take a moment to read this and let me know if I have helped you in ANY way. :)

Lets take it back......

to February of 2011.....

I was 25. Living on my own with a beautiful 3 year old child. Life was great. I loved my job, I had just met a man who portrayed himself to be just as happy and succesful as I was. We had been dating for a month and a half, and only had sex 2-3 times when suddenly, and unexpectedly I woke up with immense pain one morning. Now, any of you ladies who read this can understand that your first herpes outbreak is unlike any other experience you've encountered. I had NO idea what was going on. I was SO itchy that I wanted to scratch until I was almost bleeding. I thought "this is the craziest yeast infection in the world!" I went to the store and bought vagisil and monistat. I figured that would do the trick, and that I would be relieved from this pain soon. Well, I was wrong! Things only got worse, I was in excruciating pain, couldnt walk, I would clench my firsts and scream when I urinated. The ONLY relief that I found was to sit in the bathtub. I even peed in the tub because it didn't hurt while I was under water......showering and rinsing off when I was done obviously! I suffered for only a single day of this before I decided to go the ER. The was a blizzard that week ( 4 feet of snow ) but I had to go get help with this or I was going to just sit at home and cry!

So I embarassingly tell the receptionist at the ER what was going on. I get my vitals taken, and put in a room with a, examining table and curatins hanging from the ceiling. I was cool, calm, and collected. Because after all I was just going to get told that I had an extreme yeast infection or an allergic reaction to something right?? I was undressed from the waist down with that crinkley paper blanket over my bottom half when the doctor walked in. "great, a man" I was thinking. (I prefer female OBGYN's) Either way, what did it matter at this point. So he positions my feet on the sturrups, and sticks a cold something inside of me. Which made me want to scream because of the pain. he said "what are these bumps you have here?" Up til that moment I wasn't aware there were any bumps because I hadn't looked, and never touched with my fingers. I replied "huh" and he said "dear, i'm sorry, but I think you have herpes." A million things began to run through my mind in seconds.......

......what?!.....

.....this isn't possible.......

............I'm not that kind of person.......

......................from who?............................

.................................make it go away!.....................

I had never had an STD before. I had up to that point had approx 10 sexual partners. The majority of which had condoms on, and long term boyfriends, my sons father, etc did not wear condoms.

I was hysterical. I started to sob uncontrolably. I couldn't help it. My anxiety shot through the roof. The first thing that I did was call my at the time boyfriend. ( He lived about 60 miles away and he knew I had plans to come to the ER. ) I said.......

"Do you have an STD"

"what no, why would you ask? what did they say?"

"I have herpes!"

"oh man what? did they do blood work or just guess"

"The doctor took one look at me and said so, they took blood work and I wont get the results until over the weekend, he gave me a prescription for acyclovir and vicodin! oh my god, i am freaking out, what the hell, you had to of given me this!"

"babe I have never had anything on my dick I swear it, I get cold sores on my mouth about once a year but thats it. i think its possible to spread it that way but I doubt it. I haven't had anything like that in months!" (before I met him)

"well I need to finish here, ill call you soon"

"i love you! babe it wasnt me who gave it to you!"

"bye"

Ya, I was very cold, I know. But my mind wasn't on anything but me at the times.

I woke up that whole ER because I was crying, desperately, agonizing disbelief poured out of my heart. Thedoctor came back in the room after I was dressed. I saw my emotion reflect in his eyes. He felt compasion for me. He walked over and put a steady hand on the back of my neck and then he hugged me. Like a dad would hug a crying daughter, hard and sincere. It was a moment that I will never forget, and that has always left an impression on me. I needed a hug, a needed to know someone felt how much I was hurting. I think that is almost unheard of for doctors. After giving me a handout, taking blood samples, and recieving my papers, I walked out of the hospital with my hood over my head, trying to hide inside my coat, worrying I may see a nurse or patient I knew.

The next few days I felt extremely depressed. I begged my mom for a Xanax, which she immediately said yes. I slept, I cried, I barely ate, I disinfected every square inch of my home! I have a gorgeous, amzing child, that I wanted to ensure wouldnt get this from me by means of a toilet seat, or used towel, etc. (Looking back I was going overboard, but it made me feel safe to do so. After an agonizing few days, and heated conversations face to face with the boyfriend, I recieved a call.

"hello is this laura?"

"yes."

"we have your blood results and your papsmear results"

"okay"

"everything came back negative"

"WHAT?!?!"

"yes, clamydia, gonnorhea, syphillis, HIV, trichimossis, bacterial infection, yeast infection, and herpes."

"HOLY SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That doctor told me I had herpes!!! What the hell, OH my GOD, Fuck! oops! Sorry for swearing!"

"Its okay, we will need to do a follow up blood test, in 4-6 months to ensure your antibodies for Herpes weren't undectable at this point. Sometimes it takes longer for them to build up than with the initial outbreak."

"oh. okay. so I could still have it?"

"yes ma'am."

"oh. well shit. okay thank you"

So I did what I was told. I went into my GP's office 5 months later (July 2011) and had blood work done. Again, everything was negative. Phew!!! I though I dodged a bullet. I completely convinced myself that it was a fluke of somesort, and that I actually had an allergic reaction to something. I broke up with that guy (for unrelated reasons, just turned out he wasn't what I was looking for long term.)

So, I took a break from dating for 6 months. I was a mom, and that was my main focus. I worked and paid my bills. Nothing too exciting. I had no signs of an outbreak and my Va-jay-jay as they say was clean as whistle.

I dated another gentleman for a few months, he was a lawyer, very intelligent. I was drawn to him. Unfortunetly he was also concieded and completely full of himself. He wasn't what I wanted my son to turn out to be. So I didn't see him fit as a role model. Sure he was successful, but that certainly is not everything.

So now its, April of 2012 (Still no sign of anything outside of the normal for my coochie) I was walking into an interview when I looked up and was stopped in my tracks when I caught the eye of this stanger of a man. Talk, gorgeous, well dressed, built. Oh la la. As the interview and orientation process began, I guessed right, this handsome guy was my new boss! Ugh. There were lots of girls there that day and I don't think I stood out to him at all initially. However, after working there for weeks, we crossed paths in the office and began chit chatting at the end of a long workday. We proceeded to sit an talk after everyone left....for like 4-5 hours! I left feeling like I had just had my first conversation with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. How exhillerating!!! Up lifting! Amazing. Sure enough, he is the peanut butter to my jelly, the ying to my yang. We are engaged, and he has been amazing to my son, he has a daughter as well, who strangely enough is eactly like me. We've been together for a year, living together for 6 months of that. We've had the most outrageous, incredible, passionate, rough, imaginative, satisfying sex of my life. We only used a condom the first time. I must say that we have it perfect in EVERY aspect of our relationship. Communication, lust, playfulness, maturity, responsibility, just everything.

January 2013.....Last Friday morning I felt a little spot by my clitoris that seemed to hurt, and tingle, and itch. Nothing too severe, it was very mild. By the next day, it felt much worse. and now that spot was inflammed and red. I'm getting worried and old feelings of anxiety are resurfacing. It developed into a blistery look, which by monday looked like a sore, or a small ulcer. No bigger that one cm by one cm. and holy shit! It hurt! I had only experienced this specific type of pain once.....just once.....oh shit.....it was that once.....oh boy.....shit....

Now, before ANYONE tells me im terrible for having unprotected sex with my man, I'll tell you this. I DID tell my fiance long long ago about my horror story trip to the ER, that the doctor said I had herpes, and my blood results. He said "I bet that freaked you out! Good thing you dont have it!" We have had oral sex, and lots of it, vaginal sex, and lots of it, anal sex, and NOT so much of it!! OUCH! I don't seem to enjoy that. He has always praised my for having such a smooth, clean, non-odorous lady part. To which I have always felt the same of him. That man is blessed. His penis is perfection. Never have a seen a mark, or red spot, nothing on him.

Back to my coochie, I immediately scheduled a doctors appointment. Upon inspection the doctor said the same thing.....herpes. OH MY GOD, here I go again.....balling. Blood work done......yup. I got it. I called my man immediately. He knew what I thought it was before I went to the doctors appointment. I had told him that I thought it was herpes from how it felt. I went internet crazy before I went to the doctors office and all my symptoms matched. So I told him that. He, being the angel he is, said "Babe, if you have it you have it. There's nothing you can do to change that. It won't change how I feel for you not one little bit." Wow. Did he just say that? Anyway, he was convinced that I didn't have it. He kept saying I was making myself crazy before the doctors appointment and that I would only need to get blood work one to calm my brain. So once I broke the news to him that, yes, my love, i actually have herpes. Looking up at him with tears in my eyes, so afraid of rejection, so afraid the he will think I am undesirable, broken. He just hugged me, kissed the top of my head and said "Im so sorry, are you okay? Oh sweetie." He doesn't bring it up. He kisses me relentlessly, asks me how I feel, hugs me when I cry. Other than that, we certainly are staying away from sex until these two little sores on my coocie heal.

He also had blood work done. He doesn't have it. So now my biggest concern is ensuring I dont transfer anything to him.

I did have my initial (EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL) outbreak in February of 2011, I did not have another outbreak until January of 2013. I certainly consider myself in the lucky catagory in terms of herpes. For those two years I didn't follow any special diet. I normally eat pretty healthy, and I exercise a lot in the summer (I love being outdoors). I feel awful that I have this. Nobody would enjoy having it. I will say that this second outbreak is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING like the first one. I had warning signs....those tingly feelings. And I only have two spots (they hurt real bad) but again, this is nothing as painful as the first. I can pee without pain, I don't really itch. They just hurt and feel uncomfortable. I have been taking the antivirals for one day now. Seems like they are getting better. Words can not describe how thankful, and blessed that I am to have a man in my life that I do. He has been my rock, he wipes away my tears, and the love I recieve from him is unlike anything I have ever known. He still loves me just as much now as he did when we both thought I was herpes free.

I am going to be more proactive about my body and my lifestyle to ensure I stay outbreak free and don't transmit this to him. It doesn't change who I am. I still am a loving mother, fiance, I still have a great job, friends, and family. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I know it was earful....is it an eyeful if you're reading it?!.......anyway. I wish everyone the best!!!! Whether you suffer from this, rarely have outbreaks, have a loved one who suffers, etc. Just remember, you have control over your emotions. We don't always have control over our bodies, but insead of fighting herpes, work with it. Learn your triggers, learn what helps you best. Evryone is diffferent in terms of remedies, relief, and treatments. God bless.

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QueenJane

Welcome, LauraX3. What a story. I am so sorry that you've gone through this, but it sounds like your man is wonderful. I'm sure we'll connect again soon, as I'm new here too, and trying to have a great outlook. Thanks for sharing. It helps, truly it does.

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Fearnie

SHOO girl I am on the edge of my seat reading your story. SOrry that you have herpes.....so do I...:p YOU ARE SOOOOOOO lucky to have a man esp that KNOWS and that is supportive. I am so scared to meet anyone.... to get close to anyone. I feel like I could NEVER have the nerve to tell a guy that I have it!!! THIS SUCKS.... :( I miss dating... I miss flirting.... just didnt picture this for myself..... HOw do you suggest moving on?

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Teacher

Laura- I am so thankful your fiance is so understanding. You are so right--there is nothing like that first OB!

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Axios

Sorry to hear about your pain in your story. I got it around the same time as you did but I did not have anyone here to comfort and support me. Your very fortunate. Take care and stay healthy.

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Teacher
SHOO girl I am on the edge of my seat reading your story. SOrry that you have herpes.....so do I...:p YOU ARE SOOOOOOO lucky to have a man esp that KNOWS and that is supportive. I am so scared to meet anyone.... to get close to anyone. I feel like I could NEVER have the nerve to tell a guy that I have it!!! THIS SUCKS.... :( I miss dating... I miss flirting.... just didnt picture this for myself..... HOw do you suggest moving on?

No one every pictures it for themselves. You move on by realizing that life is going to pass you by and you will be miserable unless you decide there are steps you can take to both protect yourself and live a little. Flirt, and date, and get to know a guy as friends...then you tell him. After more than 20 years of having it, it doesn't get easier to reveal my status, but most guys I meet are willing to take the risk for me.

Hugs.

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Dite73

I really enjoyed reading your story. I am new here too. Was just diagnosed a few weeks ago. From my test results it appears I have had hsv1 for some time without ever having a cold sore on my mouth. Had 3 negative cultures on small genital sores over the past few years. What took me to the doctor this last time was similar to your first outbreak. got the news then. Hsv1 7.2 and Hsv 2 1.9. going to ask for another blood test soon to see about that hsv2 number. I Have been living with a guy for over a year although we split up for a couple months in the spring. Both of us were with someone else. Since my diagnosis he told me he gets cold sores but hasn't had one for quite some time. He actually thought everyone got them. He has been real understanding through this whole ordeal, but of course it still goes through my mind that I could have gotten the hsv2 from him, although he says he has never had a sore down there, he does get bad rashes that we associated with working in the heat. He did get the same rash just recently and blamed it on his long john's. I've just got to quit worrying where this all came from and deal with it now. I'm 57 And never experienced what I did when I went to the doctor and got this diagnosis. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that, and like you I tried vagasil and monistat to no avail. what did help me was a cream for fungus like what is used for jock itch. The acyclovir the doctor gave me didn't help but the cream my daughter gave me did. She had gotten it for my grandson for ringworm.

Sounds like you have a wonderful man. I wish you lots of happiness.

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Teacher
I really enjoyed reading your story. I am new here too. Was just diagnosed a few weeks ago. From my test results it appears I have had hsv1 for some time without ever having a cold sore on my mouth. Had 3 negative cultures on small genital sores over the past few years. What took me to the doctor this last time was similar to your first outbreak. got the news then. Hsv1 7.2 and Hsv 2 1.9. going to ask for another blood test soon to see about that hsv2 number. I Have been living with a guy for over a year although we split up for a couple months in the spring. Both of us were with someone else. Since my diagnosis he told me he gets cold sores but hasn't had one for quite some time. He actually thought everyone got them. He has been real understanding through this whole ordeal, but of course it still goes through my mind that I could have gotten the hsv2 from him, although he says he has never had a sore down there, he does get bad rashes that we associated with working in the heat. He did get the same rash just recently and blamed it on his long john's. I've just got to quit worrying where this all came from and deal with it now. I'm 57 And never experienced what I did when I went to the doctor and got this diagnosis. I'm sure I would have remembered something like that, and like you I tried vagasil and monistat to no avail. what did help me was a cream for fungus like what is used for jock itch. The acyclovir the doctor gave me didn't help but the cream my daughter gave me did. She had gotten it for my grandson for ringworm.

Sounds like you have a wonderful man. I wish you lots of happiness.

You can have Genital HSV 1 or Oral HSV2. So he wouldn't need a sore "down there" to have given you HSV2. If his cold sores came on his mouth are HSV2 and he performs oral sex on you, then you can get his HSV2 in your genital region or orally. Has he been tested? He may also test positive for both. Additionally, many people are asymptomatic--which means they have the virus but never have a symptom. Yet, they can still pass it to someone else when they are shedding the virus (not the same thing as an OB).

Education is key. Learn what your triggers are (usually stress, chocolate, nuts, and some other things), and take an antiviral and you will keep OBs and transmission chances down significantly. Be well ladies.

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StayingUpbeat

Teacher,

I couldn't tell from your post. Do you have HSV-1 or HSV-2 down south? It's not really important but I'm curious if the blood test did pick it up which one it was. It seems like there are a lot of people with HSV genitally that can't ever seem to get a diagnosis from the blood test.

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Teacher

I am negative HSV1 and positive HSV2...for twenty years now. Did you have an IgG test?

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Jenny879

Thank you for your story. I had lost all hope in finding love, but reading your story has given me hope. I've only had this as far as I know about 4 weeks and it's been hard for me. I'm trying to keep positive and not let this control my life. Once again your story has given me the hope I had completely lost. I just pray that God sends me that special person that can deal with me and my condition. God bless you and thank you !!!!!!

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Dite73

Teacher, I had never considered my partner may have h2 orally. Since the nurse practitioner told me it looked like I had probably had this for a long time we just assumed it was all me. But, after I finally got the print out of my IgG numbers I started questioning what was going on and when I got it. Since my h2 number was 1.9 ny partner is thinking it is a false positive, but with that horrible outbreak that started early November right after my dad died, I feel the diagnosis is correct but question when and who I got it from. I do realize this is something I may never know. My partner does want to be tested but with no insurance and no cheaper clinic doing this test it's hard to have done right now. Since this all started in November I have not gone more than 3 or 4 days without something starting up down there. I use the anti- fungal cream and it is gone within a day or 2. nothing real bad since I have this cream.

We have not had sex since all this started in November, we didn't have sex very often before this started. We have to plan it all out, he has to take a pill and we have to make sure we are not interrupted for a few hours. Poor guy is only 41, I'm 57. Now with this there is no planning a day or 2 ahead of time. We make plans and something starts showing up. If I'm the only one who has this I don't want to give it to him, he has enough problems in that area the way it is. Making it really tough for us to be intimate. Think this all bothers me way more than it does him. After reading all this information I''ve gotten from here and other research it seems it was highly possible I had h1 on my genitals for years, but this last outbreak was so bad and so different I feel it was my first h2 outbreak. So back to the question when did I get it and how. With your post Teacher, now I'm wondering if my partner's cold sores he says he has gotten since he was a child could possibly be h2 or he has both orally.

What is weird is how this anti- fungal cream works better than anything else. If stress is a big trigger I'm in big trouble. Started having neurological issues about 6 months ago, possible MS or Parkinson's. Going to a neurologist that specializes in movement disorders their 18th of February. Plus I have bad back problems and am now on disability. Now this on top of all that. And the list of stress issues go on and on. Fun fun. So glad I found this place, I have been getting a lit answers from just reading what others post and questions they ask.

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icon

I am 13 months into finding out I have h. My initial tests all came back negative also but I know what it is. Unmistakeable. My story has very similar lines as does yours lauralauralaura except I am mid 50. I can count my partners on one hand and all were established relationships. I was devastated! Spent the week in bed crying and feeling like dirt. When I confronted my then bf he said, "this has happened to me twice before and the doc said it was friction, nothing more, any way even if it is h, who cares, 25% of Americans have it". I could have died, I then knew he also knew what it was and had even said to me once, "I am not the guy that will give you some STD". I was furious thinking he could have at least told me so I had the "choice" in my health.

I am still dealing with the struggle and have been on Valocyclovir but feel the tingling and pain almost daily but have visible leisions maybe once every 6 weeks.

I met a man about 10 months later and everything clicked very quicly. I thought no - say nothing and run, he won't have you. Something made me tell him way before it got physical, he was great about it. We began the courtship and became engaged, several months later he became distant. I knew something was wrong! He finally told me he had been researching and talking to his doctor friend about the h. He was getting cold feet because of the h. At this point he has never been tested but has never had a b\o. I seem to fight them. I am more devastated than ever.

I know the shame, embarrassment and humiliation this carries. I also understand his concern! If I were him I would run like the wind but it doesn't change my hurt!

Thanks for letting me express my feelings...AKA vent-LOL.

Thanks for all telling their story-at least I am not alone. I hope we all find relief-better yet the cure soon!

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BellaPrincipessa

Wow! Thanks for sharing your story!

I just revealed this awful truth to my husband of 1.5 years last night. My worst fear was rejection, being undesirable, even divorce ran through my mind. To my absolute relief he was so supportive and told me we would do whatever it takes to work through this together. I definitely was not expecting hugs and kisses!

My story is a little unusual. When I was about 10 years old my mom told me that my father had cheated on her. That he got herpes from this woman and had then passed it on to her. She proceeded to tell me that I was born with it. She didn't know she had it, so there was nothing she could do to prevent this. Being too much to grasp as a 10 year old child, I must have suppressed this memory and thought of it as nothing more than a bad dream. As years went on, there was no mention of having herpes, not from my mom or my sister.. Which solidified the rationale of this blurry memory of a weird dream I once had.

At age 26 and newly married for 1.5 years to the man of my dreams, I got red bumps down there with the whole shebang.. Swelling, soreness, itchiness and spreading. I was absolutely mortified! (This was a few weeks ago). I knew exactly what it was, and that my blurry dream had become reality. I knew I had to tell my husband, but took me a few weeks to work up the courage and wait for the right time. To be honest, I think my husband is coping with this better than I am. He really doesn't care if I gave it to him or not, nothing will change how much he loves me.

To anyone who is struggling, It's not the end of the world. I know first hand how devastating it is and I know exactly what you're feeling. Hold your chin up high because there IS light at the end of the tunnel for everyone. If someone can't accept you for who you are, and all that you are, then they're not good enough for you.

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Loveable

Thanks for sharing your story. I felt like I was right there with you reading it. Ya know I'm convinced that the symptoms come based on how you react to this. If you keep your life positive and not allow this to stress you it doesn't control your life. I need to work on not allowing this to get me down. I have a great husband and I'm pregnant- not gonna let H ruin me.

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      No I’m kinda embarrassed to go pick up the prescription to be honest. How do they work for u?
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