Complicated, need your advice

[serendip]

I was diagnosed with HSV recently and am moving through the process of accepting it and hopefully moving forward. It's been really difficult, to say the least. Long story short I contracted it with someone who was an asymptomatic carrier. When I discovered I had it I had a culture and blood test and both confirmed I had type 1. When I told him he was in shock, was quiet and we talked about it. I think he was in denial and not sure where he is at the moment. We talked the first few weeks and he seemed communicative and supportive while we were waiting for his tests to come back. After both tests were in, all signs pointed to us.

After dealing with the physical symptoms (which were so unpleasant I will not recount them) I am finding that the emotional factor is harder to manage. I find myself crying alot and feeling hopeless. I saw him one more time and that seemed to be fine, but he doesn't really call me. I'm in this terrible purgatory wondering what he's feeling - he has not been communicating with me and I guess I expected him to be more supportive. I get plenty of support from my friends, who have been amazing. But he hasn't even shown me he's capable of being my friend. Before this incident, I think we were on our way to a blossoming relationship.

Any thoughts on this? Could he be feeling guilty because I got this from him? Why doesn't he speak to me? I can't really think of how I feel about him b/c I feel like I'm dealing with this alone and he hasn't really been there for me. I've been thinking of writing him a letter. What to do??

[Caliope]

He may be afraid of the emotional fallout from this situation and not know how to communicate with you. I imagine that he is faced with the realization, the same as you, that this is a point of no return. Once you know that you have hsv you can't be ignorant of its impact any longer unless you are one of those people who just pretends nothing changed which not many of us can.

Unfortunately that is just my theory. I don't know the guy. I do know that we women communicate differently and we usually have an easier time expressing our feelings with words and actions. Maybe you need to be the one who reaches out. I know that is hard because you are genuinely hurt both emotionally and physically but it sounds like he didn't have any idea he had hsv or was passing it on to you which could lead to some heavy duty guilt.

So look in your heart - you thought there was a relationship blooming there - maybe he thought so too and with this out there he may not legitimately understand what you are feeling - he could feel that he's been shut out too. If it is worth it to you you might want to take the steps to try to have those conversations. If it works out you still have him in your life if not you're in just the same place as you are today.

Herpes is hard but there are plenty of us out there who have it. There are also many wonderful people out there looking for someone like you to love and to be loved in return who won't let herpes be an obstacle.

[uk girl]

Men do find it hard to communicate, they go on shut down,when i have asked my husband about why he sometimes does ths he says he just doesnt know how to help and make me feel better.

I think writing a letter is a brilliant idea, when i am talking, i cant always get it across how i feel and i am just not understood, so i write to my husband,and i get how i am feeling out that way.

When i was first diagnosed (about 4 weeks ago)feels like a bloody lifetime!!! i went through so many emotions icould be calm one minute, suicidal the next wanted a divorce later, etc...I sat down and cried whilst writing a long letter and told him how i felt,how i loved him but at the same time couldnt stand him and that he had hurt me by passing this on to me, it all came out which was really good therapy,it worked i had finally without shouting(which i think he had closed his ears to me,anyway!! as it was all the time!!)

So give it a go, you are both in shock at the moment.

good luck

[serendip]

Thank you for your kind words Caliope and UK girl. As much as I would like to call and/or write him a letter, i don't think i'm quite ready to do this yet. Truth is, I've been dealing with HPV for most of my adult life and it all feels very overwhelming at this point. I totally understand that STDs are not life threatening, but I also know that having Herpes in addition has just added another complicated layer...

And although I do try to empathize with his side, I simply don't know what he's going through because he is not telling me. And the fact is we weren't that far into the relationship. I guess I expected him to behave in a more supportive way... I don't know... the way I see it, is no matter how guilty you feel, if you cared about the person, you would try to communicate. I realized I don't want a partner who acts like this in hard times and am starting to feel resentful b/c I feel like he gave this to me and abandoned ship. I do not have the feelings of blame until I think about his reaction. I understand it was a completely unfortunate incident bc I do truly believe he did not know he was a carrier. And also again the fact that we used condoms. No one ever thinks that you can get this stuff via oral sex!

Anyway, even beyond the guy, the core issue is not about him at all. That was just a small part in which I don't know how to deal with. His rejection of me makes me feel extremely insecure. I thought I would come here to see if anyone had any similar experiences. The bigger issue is how to move forward with both. I have developed a real fear of intimacy because of it. Been through therapy, etc. Not sure what else to do at this point. I just want to stop crying about it!

I know it's all a matter of perspective but why does it seem so hard to get a grasp on that? You'd think the 2nd time would be easier but in fact I'm find it's harder. I got the HPV from one of my first partners and this now. In between those 15 years, I've never had unprotected sex. It all just seeems so unfair.

[uk girl]

:lol: Please try and be strong, my first husband was a real womaniser and he was the first bloke i had slept with he passed on to me many std's including HPV he then brainwashed me into thinking i had caught this off a toilet seat, i know you might think this funny and it is now i actually thought i had slept walked and slept with me nieghbour!!(that bloke really screwed my head up)he used to play terrible mind games with me, but it was only seeing a contact tracer at the clinic who sat me down and told me you dont get these off a toilet seat, that the penny dropped(yes i was niave and totally in love!!)PRAT more like!!

Anyway finally divorced him years later! and am with husband no2 who is brill, and he passed GHSV1 to me 4 weeks ago from a coldsore, ironic really,I feel like an std dumping ground, and the one thing husband no1 didnt give me no2 did!!!

Really dont think i will chance it with marrying again if this doesnt work!!

I know your mind will be all over the place, i was 18 when i was diagnosed with HPV and i am nearly 40 now and i dont give it a thought, so i am hoping in time i will feel this way about herpes, dont write him off just yet, men dont deal well with problems they just hibernate!!!

take care

[Caliope]

Serendip - it is perfectly okay for you to feel the way you do. You are not required to do anything about this guy unless you want to. I also don't blame you for feeling badly about how this is affecting you - for goodness sakes you are important too and deserve all of the support and understanding that can be mustered. It is good that you are identifying that you're not ready to reach out to him. You need to put yourself first.

I think the hardest part about a second hit is that you may be disappointed in yourself - you did use protection and you did that because you were taking responsibility for yourself. That's a big blow to take. Here you did the right thing and it backfired in more than one way. Do you think that is what makes this so hard for you right now?

I don't believe it's your fault and you deserve to let yourself off the hook.

As for your guy he sounds like most men I know who are just plain afraid of how you will react so he's sticking his head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge reality. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. Does he deserve to hear how you feel - YES. I think someone should march right up to him and tell him he blew it. He was not as responsible as he should have been. He needs to know that his behavior has a negative impact on your life and not just physically. He violated your trust and that makes it hard for you to trust others. Did he maybe have some physical symptoms of hsv once upon a time? Probably and he ignored them or didn't know what they were and instead of seeing a dr and asking or getting it checked out he stuck his head in the sand and promptly forgot. Am I being harsh. YES. But I think you deserve to have someone stand up for you. Will he act differently if he really knows how you feel - It is likely he will but right now no one is pushing the accountability in his face so he doesn't have to do anything.

I'm sorry you are hurt by this. I am sorry this is weighing so heavily on you. You deserve much better than this.

[gutted.]

sorry girls but your putting all blokes into one basket.

i deal with problems head on - by talking about them, i was like that before i caught HSV and am still like it now

i didnt just wake up and have this - i caught from a girl who i found out later knew she had HSV - but decided not to tell me.

i didnt get a choice - but i dint go screaming at people and blaming everyone else.

ive not slept with any girls since who didnt know about my condition - i didnt bury my head in the sand either.

please dont think "all men are the same" or i cud just think "all women are slags"

which i dont.

[uk girl]

Really sorry didnt mean to offend and yes its wrong to say all blokes SORRY!!!

[gutted.]

lol - i wasnt "offended"

just annoys me as some women seem to just blame men for everything.

the men who gave it to you caught it from a woman.

the attitude some men have - is down to thier upbringing - men are ment to get on with things, no go crying about it.

im just saying thats all.

[Caliope]

Gutted - I wasn't meaning to offend either. I was trying to point out that this particular guy was acting like the men I know who do try to avoid a confrontation by ignoring the obvious.

My guy confronts everything head on. He is quick about it too and never lets me get away with anything. If we have a problem he doesn't give it a chance to get cold we talk right away. That is why when I found out I was pos for hsv I called him right away. I didn't wait for that special perfect moment I just spit it out. And he told me we could never have sex again and we both cried and then he called a week later and said he couldn't lose me and we had to find a way to work this out.

But not everyone is like that. Whomever I got this from (I think my ex husband) never told me he was unhappy in the marriage, he never told me he had an affair, he never told me he had hsv either, but looking back I remember him acting weird, I remember him thinking he had a problem with yeast. Did he speak up hell no. He hid his head in the sand.

But the point here is that serendip got hurt by this mans behavior and she's not ready to confront him. She needs support and I want her to know that whatever she chooses to do is okay even if her guy acts like an ostrich.

[gutted.]

"Whomever I got this from (I think my ex husband) never told me he was unhappy in the marriage, he never told me he had an affair, he never told me he had hsv either, but looking back I remember him acting weird, I remember him thinking he had a problem with yeast. Did he speak up hell no. He hid his head in the sand."

Ditto, the girl i got it from never told me about it either!, yet not long ago i heard a rumour - yes i know people like to gossip - that shes had it for years, i nearly chocked on my pint, i havent told any of my friends, i wanted to storm out there and smash her one!!

but what would be the point, it would only say to people ive got it, and also id like to think im better then that - im mature and am dealing with it my way.

i do understand what u are saying, i wasnt offended, just pointing out not all men are like that...

when people are young, girls get told to express thier feelings and talk about them, men get told not to cry and be tough - if everyone was told to express thier feelings from a young age then they would!

this isnt an arugement, i just pointing out that not all men are ostrichs (good example) and your posts didnt offend me, i do understand your point tho, but i just wanted to chip my two pence in!!

[Caliope]

No harm no foul. I didn't take offense nor did I think that you were arguing. I did realize, however, that someone might take my point wrong and think I was stereotyping all men when I was speaking of specific behavior some guys present.

I personally love strong men who aren't afraid to speak up even if the truth isn't the popular way to go.

The issue of speaking up was infact what this whole thread started out as. How to speak up, and when, and do we have to if we don't feel it will be worth our effort or even why we should make the effort when other people can't meet us in the middle.

btw - gutted it looks like you speaking up to your girl was a good move. congratulations I wish you all the best.

[serendip]

Hey, what happened here? Sorry, gutted, this wasn't meant to be a guy bashing - I was simply relaying my story and am trying to get some perspective on why this guy is reacting the way he is. He has stopped contacting me at this point and it hurts. It hurts because I think I expected him to give me support through all of this. Maybe I do blame him for this.

But on the other hand, he may be dealing with the emotional fallout from his side of things. He might be dealing with guilt that he passed it on to me, or the fact that he did get this from some other woman... he may even be trying to pinpoint that.

All I know is that I'm having a hard time with this. We've spoken twice since I found out over 2 months ago, and I can't continue wondering how he's feeling. It doesn't really matter anymore, because it's time to focus on myself. This is my life. I need to put myself on the road to healing.

It just really sucks.

[gutted.]

Yeah fair call...

end of the day, most of us got this from a lying scumbag who didnt care about other peoples health and future mentallity.

to start of with, i stayed with my girlfriend, who i had fallen out of love with, just because i didnt think i cud get anyone else now, in the end i cudnt be with her any longer due to our differences...

for a few months i was alone, and scared for my future, i have alot of friends, but none of them know about my little indiscreation

i met my new girldfriend a few months ago, went on a few dates, made sure i really felt for her before having the chat!!

i was shaking like a leaf when i was ready to tell her

it was as simple as this

"ive got herpes, and i understand if u want to break it off, either way, please dont tell anyone, id die if anyone knew, i like you so much that i had to tell you, as i want to be with you"

she asked me to tell her about it, which i did, not scimping on ANY of the facts, i told her about my OBs, the chances i cauld give it to her, the possible chances of babies getting it etc etc, even the fact its mild in me, but cud be nasty in you...

she hugged me and told me she liked me enuff to carry on, and we can work around things...

i was sooooooooooooooooooo happy, nearly cried, we are madly in love now, and ive not had OB since we met?

im not saying everyone would have that reaction, im a lucky one, but what i am saying is, if sumone likes you enough, they wont bother about a skin defect.

as for your bloke, no one can say hows or what hes feeling apart from him....

[serendip]

You are a lucky one.

It's been 2 months now and for the last month he has been avoiding me. I invited him out a few times so I could tell him how I was feeling. He doesn't call or anything, basically giving me the brush off. I wanted to make it clear to him that I didn't want a relationship out of this, it was unfortunate situation that I got it from our first time - but I can't change the past. However I thought he would have a little more compassion than this. Finally, after my last attempt, he bailed on the meeting and I decided that he's a coward and I wouldn't want to be even friends with someone who couldn't deal with the hard things in life.

But it still makes me feel really lonely. I know that in time I will be able to move forward but right now it seems almost impossible. It's just a really, really hard thing to deal with! I keep reading all these posts where people are finding love but I honestly don't even want it. It might be a natural reaction but now I also have to think about how I'm going to have to eventually tell someone I have 2 STDs...my worst nightmare. I would actually prefer not to date at all. Ever again! I know I sound dramatic but that's the mood I'm in right now.

[Caliope]

You deserve to be treated better than that and I know that you know it. He has proven that he is the one with the problem and I urge you not to blame yourself.

Your story makes me sad.

I've had men do many terrible things to me and through it all I've always remained a strong, independant person because I had no choice but to keep trying. I finally found the love of my life, a man who truly makes me happy and then I am diagnosed with hsv and I spend too many days worried that one day I will infect him with it. It terrifies me. Before I met him I had made up my mind that I could live without love. I quit looking and I was okay with it. But since this love came, my world has become both better and worse at the same time. I cherish my happy days and pray that the worst never happens.

I hope that you find peace and happiness. You deserve this.

[tothefuture]

He sounds like a complete tosser to me.

He's had enough time to get his act together. If he's felt shocked, horrified, guilty, sad, etc etc, that's no excuse not to talk to you. Simple as that. You're right, he is a coward, but he's also very cruel.

You will find someone who is good enough for you - (he was not).

Some of us are experts at making excuses for other poeple's behaviour, but as soon as we are honest with ourselves and face up to the fact that these people - who we cared about - have not lived up to our expectations, the sooner we can move on, change our lives and be happy again.

I wish you luck.

[serendip]

Thank you guys... this is a really great site. Caliope - I'm glad you were able to find love. Not sure how I feel about this myself, but I think it's going to take some time for me to sort out my feelings about all of it. It makes me hopeful that there are some possibilities out there. Sometimes I feel I can be positive, sometimes not. I'll be perfectly honest with you in that I want to hole myself up at the moment.

To the future - you are totally right, this guy is a tosser. I've made my decision to cut him out of life completely. There's no need for these kinds of people in my life right now. Although it was a tough reality to face. He will never be able to contribute anything positive in my life and so he doesn't deserve a place in it.

It's funny, I started therapy tonight and I was sitting there crying about things when I realized, you know, I don't have it so bad. I am a woman in the prime of my life, who makes a decent living and perfectly independent. What about those people with HIV?? But it just breaks my heart that I may be facing a life alone but I guess i have to keep telling myself that there are people out there for me. It's just a much smaller pool now (even though it was small before). I don't blame myself or even the jackass for this - it's just a fact of life and I was just unlucky enough to have been exposed to it. Now it's a part of my life and I have to learn to deal with it. It doesn't make it any easier for me but I have to believe that I can still have a very full life. I've been mourning every day for the loss of my innocence and contemplating the last 12 years of my life having HPV as well. My whole adult life has been plagued with STDs...now I have to figure out how I can make peace with these and live the life I want to. It's really not about anyone else but me now.

Thanks for your comments, it has really meant a lot for me to share my story and hear others. In a time where I feel so alone I know that I'm not and that there are many people out there that have their own pain, sorrow and triumph in dealing with these circumstances.

Be well.

[tothefuture]

But it just breaks my heart that I may be facing a life alone but I guess i have to keep telling myself that there are people out there for me. It's just a much smaller pool now (even though it was small before).

Maybe try to see it as a 'small pool' because you have HIGH STANDARDS. Anybody can find themselves a pig (is that being politically incorrect against pigs??!!) but you're worth so much more than that. And you know this. Have your therapy, take your time, and I'm sure you'll find the right person for you - probably when you least expect it. But make sure he meets with YOUR high standards