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Made a mistake, might have passed it to someone :(


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I'm a lesbian. Have been with my partner for 5 years. I have HSV-2 and have only had one outbreak with I was 14. I am now 26. I do not take daily antivirals. My partner is negative.

My partner and I recently opened our relationship to seeing other women. I went out 2 nights ago with a great girl. Had a few too many drinks and she invited me back to her place. We got very involved and things went really fast. I'm never ever naked on the first night with anyone but I ended up that way with this girl. She was nice and asked if I was still drunk because she didn't want to take advantage of me. I said that I wasn't but I still was a bit. I know that was a mistake. I was so into her I couldn't tell anymore. She performed oral on me for about 40 seconds before I realized what was happening (I also never let anyone do that to me unless it's my partner) When I snapped to, I stopped her and told her I had herpes.

She was taken aback but still wanted me to stay the night (just sleeping). I stayed for a while but couldn't sleep so I got up around 4am and told her I'd give her back her bed space (a twin air matress). I said I'd talk to her soon and she said ok.

I couldn't sleep at all that night and I texted her apologizing for not saying something sooner. I offered to take her to get tested and pay for it. She is obviously in shock and saying I mislead her, lied about my mental state and that if I have given her herpes, there is not making up for it. I get that I made a mistake. A big one. And I will always feel guilty for it. I'm not giving her any excuses. I just repeatedly apologize and ask what she needs. She keeps texting this really hurtful things and I can't believe I hurt her. She says I should have brought this up in the 2 months we were talking or when we went out to lunch once time prior to the bar. But I feel like "By the way, I have herpes" isn't something that is necessary in casual conversation. Is it?

Has this happened to anyone before? Please help. I haven't slept in 2 days over this. I feel like a monster.img, #cubbies-overlay{ -moz-transition-property: margin, box-shadow, z-index; -moz-transition-duration: 0.1s; -webkit-transition-property: margin, box-shadow, z-index; -webkit-transition-duration: 0.1s; } .cubbies-selected{ z-index: 9999; box-shadow: 3px 3px 8px -1px blue !important; cursor: pointer !important; margin: -3px 3px 3px -3px; } .cubbies-selected:active{ box-shadow: 2px 2px 5px -1px darkblue !important; margin: -1px 1px 1px -1px; } #cubbies-overlay{ position: fixed; z-index: 9999; bottom: 30px; left: 30px; box-shadow: 0 2px 3px rgba(0,0,0,0.8); border: none; } #cubbies-overlay:hover{ box-shadow: 0 2px 3px rgb(0,0,0); }

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It is very rare to transmit GHSV2 to someone's mouth. Even moreso if you didn't have an active outbreak. I think you're over thinking it.

She is most likely not educated about HSV and doesn't know any better other than to send you hurtful messages. She is also responsible for her own health and actions and if she didn't ask you about STDs prior to the encounter, she opened herself up to the risk.

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Thanks. She also just informed me that she most likely has HSV-1 orally. When I told her that it is more likely that HSV-1 is spread orally to genitally than HSV-2 is genitally to orally. Especially considering I haven't had an outbreak in 12 years.

She is now criticizing me and saying "wow are you really comparing the two? With type 1 you don't have to be on meds your enitre life".

I'm not on meds.

Am I not being sensitive enough? I know she's in shock but she's making me feel like a real honest to goodness frat house douchebag. And all I'm trying to do is apologize and support her. Now I'm wondering why she thinks HSV-1 is no big deal.

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She is now criticizing me and saying "wow are you really comparing the two? ".

I would tell her, "Yes".

And yes, you were more at risk in that scenario than she was. You have absolutely NO reason to feel bad or guilty or anything and I would even take the paying for her testing option off the table.

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There has to be a circuit breaker in there with this woman somewhere. I think you are being extremely patient. She must appreciate that 1 in 3 (and climbing) instances of genital herpes are HSV-1 from giving oral sex. She is putting people at risk. On the other side you can concede that as HSV-1 is a lot more common then it is more of a known or assumed risk with few implications for the genital area, but remains very much a common courtesy. Her chances of contracting HSV-2 orally are medically close to zero in that encounter. Her other comments are not ground in what would seem full fact or understanding.

Neither of you did anything wrong, but maybe both your codes indicate that more should have been discussed in advance. There is little point in arguing which side has earned the most 'demerit' in the circumstance.

Perhaps it is worth throwing out the lifeline. It does take a big person to first to go to her and be clear about your 'code' and why you're sorry it didn't come through in that instance and you think so highly of her that you want a mutual fresh start. If she doesn't extend something similar back, although it may not quite be the same as her understanding needs enhancement, then I am afraid her friendship may be not what you feel it could be.

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WilsoInAus,

Thank you. I will attempt to extend the olive branch. I really do think highly of her which is why I feel so badly. Not that I wouldn't if I exposed just some random person. But I do like her.

My thanks to you for presenting both sides.

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I'm really impressed with UserID's and WilsoInAus's insights. So much so I actually don't have too terribly much to contribute - they really hit it the nail squarely on the head. One thing I would say, however, is to maintain your line and be sure to take care of yourself emotionally while you navigate all of this. I don't know this woman from Eve, but it seems that there's a little bit of bullying going on, born out of her fear and under-education in the subject. (Not her fault, all non-H are woefully undereducated in my opinion, I know I was Although, she does have hsv1, so she should do some serious research regardless of this whole situation.) She's stunned, so she's coming out swinging. But while you try to find that circuit breaker (I'm totally stealing that, WilsoInAus, it's great!), you don't have to contort your self-respect to get there. Hope that makes sense - you seem like an emotionally connected and honest person, I hate to see that get trampled. Best of luck with it all!

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Hey IndianRun, welcome to our family :) . Do not let this girl make you feel like all this is your fault. It takes two to tango, right ;) . You were human and she didn't bother to tell you no. I have had ghsv2 for 25 years, my husband is non h man for 22 years. Your chances that she got your h2 orally are very rare. The chances of her giving you her h1 , cold sore, are more likely. Since you already have h genitally, you do have some protective antibodies. Ask her if she has ever had Chicken Pox or Mono. This is HERPES ZOSTERS.. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Yes, it is better to disclose, but life happens, in todays society we all must take responsibility for our own selfs. This was a one night stand, it isn't the first time someone has been swept away in passions, honey it certainly won't be the last. My daughter is bisexual and I educated her before she went to college last year, now she does ask and informs others that cold sores are infact herps. Take care relax. If she didn't act responsible, that my love is her bad. We all make errors in judgements. Being young is fun and exciting, I seriously doubt she would have any problems if she were educated. Here is a book www.westoverheights.com , send it to her and educate yourself and just don't put all the blame on you. It is what I would tell my own daughter. Take care, hugs Truly, Ace :)

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Aftersunset and Ace (and UserID and WilsoInAus),

I can't tell you what your responses have meant to me while I'm dealing with this. I am trying to remember that I've done everything I could given the circumstances: I've repeatedly and profusely apologized, owned up completely to the mistake I made and accepted responsibility. I've let her "come out swinging" at me but last night was the pretty much it for me. I told her I wanted to start over with her. To which she replied it was something she was open to despite what her friends thought. I apologized again, and sent a "starting over" message. "I'm starting over. Hi, I'm....You seem really cool. I'd like to get to know you." Her response was, "Just before we start over, hsv-1 isn't classified as an STD".

I told her it is if received during oral sex. I continued to apologize. Told her I was going to the doctor to clear things up, get/confirm the facts. I told her to let me know when she was ready to start over. Her next message was "I thought I was, I'm not."

I believe in forgiveness. All I want is for her to admit we both made mistakes but that won't happen. I wish I could post the full thread of hers and my conversation somehow. It's quite telling about how people perceive HSV-1 and HSV-2. Maybe I should since it's all via text message and I back them all in my email.

I will never forgive myself for scaring someone like this but at this point I kind of feel she is overreacting? I don't know if that is fair. Is it? If she already has HSV-1 orally, worst case scenario (and it is a rare one I've been told), she gets another cold sore on her mouth at some point in her life. She won't get genital HSV-2 from 40 seconds of oral to genital contact on someone who hasn't had an outbreak in 12 years.

I continued to offer to take her to get tested in a few weeks. I know, UserID, you mentioned that I could take it off the table. I get that. But I like to keep my word. Thank you all again. I'm so glad I found this place

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Yeah. I think you've been more than patient and more than understanding. It's clear that she sees herself in a "different light" because she has HSV1 instead of HSV2. It doesn't make her a better person than you but it appears she sees it that way. You need to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes (even though I don't see it as one, I know you do) and you just live and learn is all.

You appear to be a kind person and I can understand why you still feel like helping her.

She is definitely overreacting and is actually in a little bit of denial about what exactly HSV1 is. It's not surprising. Most people do see them differently.

I would just give her space now. You've done your part and tried to extend the olive branch.

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I think you should be very proud of yourself, what great behaviours! You have now done enough as far as she is concerned. I have no doubt that she is in a bit of a scary place from her perspective, full of justifications and concerns. I imagine that if she goes away to learn, digest, reach a good stage of reason then come back to you... well it could be very special from that point. If not then perhaps it is for the best. I think give her space for her to process all this now.

Take care of yourself and hope you find happiness and the love you desire. Very proud of you!!

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  • 1 year later...
In love with IndianRun

Hello Everyone. I am "the girl" that IndianRun wrote about in this thread. She shared this with me for the first time yesterday. I am so thankful to all of you for being there for her. It was a very scary time for both of us and you all truly helped to carry her through it.

You were all right. I was grossly uneducated. I was always told that HSV 1 oral was common and not a big deal, but HSV 2 genital was "gross" and an "STD". It was stigmatizing. I am now rightfully informed and currently in medical school. IndianRun and I have been together since that emotional night back in February 2013. We worked through that hard situation and have only grown stronger in the past year. Now, we are making it work. Her in CA and me, 4000 miles away and 2 days of plane travel away, in medical school. We see each other every chance we can and we get lost in 10+ hours of Skype conversation when we are apart. Our relationship has flourished into something so beautiful and special, I can't even begin to describe what IndianRun means to me. We've both made mistakes, but we've had the courage and love to work through them with one another. To communicate.

Thank you, Everyone, again, for the love and support you've shown my girlfriend. You are such kind people and I wish you all the greatest happiness in this world. Thank you.

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This is wonderful new to hear from you in love. IndianRun is lucky to have you. My husband is only home a few days a week due to work and my daughter's college expenses, he does what must be done for us to thrive. New age technologies make communications much easier today then ever before. All my best and blessings to you both. Take care and love each other . Sincerely, Aces :luv2u:

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