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I just wanted to share everything I can't share with the people who know me.

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I have had HSV2 for a year and a half now. I should be on Valtrex daily, but I don't have health insurance anymore and my pills are $300 with out it. I was diagnosed manic depressive when I was 16 yo. I was kicked out when I was 17 yo, because my mom wanted to get re-married and couldn't do that with me still living there. I was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 23 yo., I was also working 3 jobs, going to school full-time, and young. I was diagnosed with herpes at 25. I am 26 and I have not seen a doctor for either condition since May of 2011.

When I first found out I had herpes I slept with a guy, one drunken depressed night, and the next day I started to feel funny. After I went to the doctor I was so depressed I went back to my boyfriend of 8 years on and off, who beat me one time. I started a new job and met my current boyfriend. We fell in love, and he took the punch for me when I told my ex I wanted him to move out for good.

I have been with him for a year and 3 months. I told him about my skin condition in the beginning. I felt like he loved me more because he had a horrible experience with his last girlfriend. She caught herpes from the guy she cheated on him with.

We made love for the first time, 2 weeks after we decided to start dating.

Over the past year I have noticed he didn't really have the correct information about the disease and how contagious it was. At 6 months of being together he started asking more questions and didn't want me to go without underwear. I would walk around my house in sundress on the days my outbreaks were bad, being free to air out the affected area while in my own apartment.

I became more insecure through out the rest of the relationship. Because of the way he would act or what he'd say. We moved in together 4 months ago. Rent was hardly affordable for both of us and it seemed like a great idea to take care of eachother.

We are two artists living in oil field country. We both desperately want to move away from here, but I'm working part time and he is self-employed. I work part time as a Florist because it's stress free all year until Valentine's Day and I make enough to get by. This has helped my outbreaks be less frequent. When I worked as a bartender I had an outbreak everyday, the sores would heal and more would appear. Without Valtrex my outbreaks were horrible until I changed jobs.

I told my boyfriend I didn't want to move so soon and he walked out on me 2 weeks ago. At the time my job became really stressful because of the holiday, my sister had a baby, my uncle was diagnosed with cancer and months to live, and I was worried about my high rent I can't afford on my own.

So my outbreak this month has lasted 2 weeks and it's the first time I have not taken medicine for it. I want my body fight these out breaks naturally, but I love coffee, chocolate, and peanuts. After a week of high stress, I convinced my boyfriend to move back in and stay with me because I love him. I can't believe some men can just pack up and go so easily, all for a little time difference in our goals. Same goals, but I want to have money saved up for when we move. He moved out in 24 hrs. Left me everything but his clothes, books, and guitars.

Right now, I'm wondering what the hell am I doing with my life? I don't have a car, I don't have health insurance, and I am living paycheck to pay check. I could get another job, work nights but I risk making my outbreaks more frequent and I don't have a ride if I get out late and my boyfriend can't pick me up. I am dependent on him to live. I am afraid he'll walk out on me again. I hope he didn't mean to stay with me until I get on my feet and leave again.

I'm getting caught up in being afraid of what could happen and can't focus on what I need to do to get out of this mess. I wish I could go back to school, but I also defaulted on my student loans. Everything feels really hopeless right now. I want to cry everyday and can't see the light at the end of this tunnel.

10 years ago I attempted suicide and it's days like this I wish I had succeeded. I feel like everything happens for a reason, but I'm not a bad person, people meet me and think I'm super cute and bubbly and happy all the time. I love my family and I'm respectful and give to the elderly and homeless. I rescued puppies and kittens and find them good homes in my free time. I live in an apartment but care for 20 something plants. In high school I was an honor role student, I belonged to the art club, philanthropy club, theater club, chess club, and math club. I didn't finish college because I was really depressed and started to get anxiety in class. I try to live by the golden rule. I am extremely empathetic to people and help when I can. I have been raped, beaten, and used. Why do these things happen to decent people?

I am trying to give back to my society, but there really no place for people like me in oil field country. No reliable public transportation, no bike riding because people are too careless and bully you off the roads around here. I can't say that there is much room for people like me in this area and I can understand why my boyfriend put his foot down and left me alone for a week. I needed to see again that besides each other there isn't much in this town for us.

I just wanted to share. I am trying to live moment to moment. Not thinking about all of this at once. I just wanted to share everything I can't share with the people who know me.

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Texas Loneranger

Such a heart breaking story.. I truly feel for you, you deserve nothing thats happened to you. You are a truly bright and amazing person and one day you will find peace. My best suggestion would be to just leave it all behind and start somewhere fresh. I know its a scary thought and there will be stress but it seems like your city isn't doing anything for you. I'm sorry I can't be of much help or advice this is my first time replying to a thread. I just felt so compeled to reply because you seem like such a great human being. I really hope things get better for you, you aren't alone in the daily struggle that is life. My number one suggestion is to take up yoga and meditation they are both amazing for the mind and the soul and bring down your anxiety and a multitude of other brain problems (I have anxiety, and depression and know what its like)

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