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ken32

New here and just need to know where I most likely got it....

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ken32

Hi. Just joined and still in shock six months later. I recently divorced after a monogamous 12year marriage. Since then I had one 20minute "partly" protected sexual encounter with a friend of a friend after a blind datebut did not pursue a relationship although she wanted to. I say "partly protected" because during that encounter the condomcame off. Around that same time I began aserious relationship with a woman who has had several short and a few long termboyfriends since divorcing ten years ago. She had unprotected sex out of the gate with me so I assume she did withall of them as well.

I decidedto get checked for HSV a month or two after beginning therelationship when I found a blister on my penis. The doctor didn’t think it looked like aHerpes blister; I did have aggressive sex with her a day before; she wore aring during it; but he tested me anyway and I was negative for both Type 1and 2. The blister was fairly deep butnot painful and took about three weeks to heal. It looked like the blisters you get on your feet when your shoes are tootight. That was nine months ago and I’venever had another blister on my penis.

Twomonths later I got a couple of much different looking and tiny blisters so Itested again and now was positive for HSV-2. These blisters were on my pelvicarea; not on my penis. Trying to be responsible I immediately told mygirlfriend. She tested and was alsopositive and said she didn’t recall ever having any symptoms. Now we have parted and she is angry and accusingme of giving it to her.

I know itswater under the bridge but I need to know. I realize anything is possible but if you had to bet where I got itwhat would you say? The girl I had one20 minute "partly-protected" encounter with or the girlfriend withseveral old boyfriends who I was having sex with three to four times a week forseveral months before testing positive. (Yes, the blind date was closeenough to the first negative test that I may not have shown antibodiesyet.) I know the answer is obvious but I just need the reassurance. If I did give it to her unwittingly I wouldnot be able to live with myself.

Thankyou. I look forward to being a regular contributor to this forum.

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five

So to alleviate your own guilt you have to put the blame on her? Neither of you knew you had it; there is no way to say who had it first and it just doesn't matter.

It could have been either girl, it could have been your exwife, you could have had it for years and not known. Have you or any of your partners had a cold sore?

It's pretty much impossible to find the source for most people.

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Acesheart
Hi. Just joined and still in shock six months later. I recently divorced after a monogamous 12year marriage. Since then I had one 20minute "partly" protected sexual encounter with a friend of a friend after a blind datebut did not pursue a relationship although she wanted to. I say "partly protected" because during that encounter the condomcame off. Around that same time I began aserious relationship with a woman who has had several short and a few long termboyfriends since divorcing ten years ago. She had unprotected sex out of the gate with me so I assume she did withall of them as well.

I decidedto get checked for HSV a month or two after beginning therelationship when I found a blister on my penis. The doctor didn’t think it looked like aHerpes blister; I did have aggressive sex with her a day before; she wore aring during it; but he tested me anyway and I was negative for both Type 1and 2. The blister was fairly deep butnot painful and took about three weeks to heal. It looked like the blisters you get on your feet when your shoes are tootight. That was nine months ago and I’venever had another blister on my penis.

Twomonths later I got a couple of much different looking and tiny blisters so Itested again and now was positive for HSV-2. These blisters were on my pelvicarea; not on my penis. Trying to be responsible I immediately told mygirlfriend. She tested and was alsopositive and said she didn’t recall ever having any symptoms. Now we have parted and she is angry and accusingme of giving it to her.

I know itswater under the bridge but I need to know. I realize anything is possible but if you had to bet where I got itwhat would you say? The girl I had one20 minute "partly-protected" encounter with or the girlfriend withseveral old boyfriends who I was having sex with three to four times a week forseveral months before testing positive. (Yes, the blind date was closeenough to the first negative test that I may not have shown antibodiesyet.) I know the answer is obvious but I just need the reassurance. If I did give it to her unwittingly I wouldnot be able to live with myself.

Thankyou. I look forward to being a regular contributor to this forum.

Hey ken, I was newly married , only one partner, when I got h. I can honestly say knowing doesn't help undue what has been done . I also wanted you to know I stayed Asymptomatic, dormant, for 23. years and just had a second outbreak ever. Meaning either of you could have had h and just been Asymptomatic. Or it could be newly infections. But my first husband denied it til he died, his ex's called me to tell me he gave them h. He outted me to everyone, I lost all my friends. Including the ones he married and passed his h to. Knowing doesn't help. There is only one way to know which of them has herps and that is to have them test. You don't have to have many partners, or be popular with the dates to get h. Many have but never properly test, Igg blood test, so they never know since h can be transmitted without visible sores/outbreaks. Viral shedding occurs only a few times a year, but it only takes one time to get the virus. Hope you calm your mind and find your peace. Hugs, Ace :)

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WilsoInAus

Hey Ken, know how you feel living in a world of uncertainty about this virus, most of us only end up with statements of probability about whether we even have it (for a while anyway) and where it may have come from.

The thinking you raise contains the assumption that we often all make when trying to 'solve' this riddle. It is assumed that each of the past partners has the virus for our 'analysis' purposes or an equal chance of having the virus. Maybe we alter this a little for known sexual history, but this is often not known enough, or can be of low relevance anyway. Lastly, we look to extent of exposure and apply the usual logic of 20 encounters is 20 times the likelihood of transmission compared to a 'one off' (all else being equal). However, zero times any number is simply zero; if your partner does not have HSV-2 at the instant of activity then there is of course simply no chance you will contract it, condoms, drugs, positions, roughness... all irrelevant of course.

You can build the 'book' of odds starting with every sexual partner you have ever had, you can refine it over time with evidence, drop some off, change the odds... but your journey may not end with a single name.

I know you mainly want this to promote a more rational discussion with your current partner and I really hope you get somewhere suitable on that front.

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chickentuna

its typically allmost impossible to find out who really gave it to you... it is what it is now... no need to blame or feel guilt at this point. like five said, have you had a coldsore? that is hepres as well... chickenpox, mono those thigns are herpes too pretty much..

hope you can just educate yourself on this virus by using the links provided on your right ....and just ask some questions... try to avoid engulfing yourself in the idea of who gotit when...it jsut wont help you at this point

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ken32

With all due respect, no. She is blaming me now if you read my post fully.

Unless my negative blood test was wrong; which I doubt because it was the best one available; it did not come from my ex-wife nor did I carry it all along. In addition I had not had sex with my ex-wife in over a year and a half before that test. Since I've only had sex with two other people in the last 15 years logic dictates it's one of them. And since I had 20 minute encounter compared to literally hours of unprotected exposure I was asking what the mathematical odds would be that the prior infected me; which I do recognize is possible. Heck, people get hit by lightning sometimes too. I'm not sure why there is this belief that its so impossible to at least figure out who most likely gave it to you? Yes, I understand it could have been either of them. I was asking what the statistical chances are that it was one over the other and I think the math makes it pretty obvious. I'm not asking to transfer the guilt, I'm asking because she is now blaming me and who knows who she is telling.

I've accepted my fate and I'm not blaming anyone but myself. When I left the security of a monogomous marriage I was lulled into a false sense of security and admittedly did not even consider that I could get Herpes.

WilsoInAus thanks for a response drawn from pure logic and not emotion. I know with this virus it can be difficult to keep the emotion at bay, but for this question I posed it I was looking for an answer based purely on logic.

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chickentuna

the thing is herpes isnt textbook it isnt black and white..the statistics arent exact they are a roundabout... i personally dont know if there are even statistics for what you are asking... having sex comes with risks im sure you know this already. so you could have gotten any std..the difference is herpes is not textbook.

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Talitha

Ken32....two question??? Does the 20min girl know? Did she get tested? That might answer your question and give you some reassurance.

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chickentuna

here. this is from an article right here on forum.

Genital herpes affects 1 in 10 (around 6 million people in the UK) and is usually so trivial people don’t know they have it. Outbreaks can occasionally be very unpleasant, but never life-threatening, tend to get less severe in time and effective treatments are available. It’s also impossible to prove who transmitted the virus to who and when. 70% of the population carry at least one of the HSV viruses by the age of 25, often without noticing symptoms. In the vast majority of cases, herpes is transmitted – either facially or genitally – under the radar without either partner being aware. In no way can infection be considered deliberate or serious. It’s a cold sore gone south.

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superdork

you will probably NEVER truly know where you contracted the virus from... i had a total of 4 tests done in the span of 4 months... the first came up positive, the 2nd and 3rd came back negative, and it wasnt until i had an outbreak that the 4th came back positive through both culture and blood test... i believed it was through the infidelity of my ex that i contracted this virus, but my doctor told me that i could very well have been infected years ago and it been laying dormant in my body for years and just now become active... scary huh.... so, its pointless to worry about who gave it to who, and just move on... be the adult here and just take care of yourself and your life.. do what you need to do to take care of your life.. and make sure that any potential future partners are aware of the risk--- disclosure and honesty are key to any potential relationships............ good luck..

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MissPositive2013

Dear Ken

I understand how you are feeling the 101 questions, the not knowing and the guilt that you have given it to someone possibly? last year i met with a old flame we didn't sleep together just had some fun, to my shock he calls me a wek later with symptoms of herpes on his genitals i went straight to the dr's who later told me i had herpes 1 i have always been tested before and never tested positive and same for him he was so sure it was me but how can i be so sure? he says he hasn't been with anyone in ages but i had so i could of got it but i still dont have any symptoms, he has, so i have to live with guilt as he thinks its me and wrecked his life. It's hard to know who i could of got it from or if he got it from someone. So i know how you are feeling your gf is angry and hurt but she is venting as you are too, it could come from anyone or someone had given it to you, feeling guilty for passing it on without someone knowing is the worse feeling and i am finding it hard but if this virus is so common and so much support is out there why do we drain our selves. I think you need to stop looking for answers and accept it and get couple conseling or go to the dr's together and ask questions, do not go through this alone and stop blaming yourself is hurts your esteem. I hope things workout, stay positive :)

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Number7

If you feel you would really like to be more sure (just for your own sake) you can ask the friend of the friend to get tested. If this virus was any bit "logical" I would bet it was the second person--but it's not so I'm just guessing like anyone. Do you know if you have hsv1 also? Did you get a test with numeric results or just positive/negative when you had a blood test?

I know how hard it must be after being married a long time and finally feeling you are able to start a new life being happy.

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ken32

Thanks everyone for your time. While I agree that I will never know for certain I still feel there are mathematical probabilities here like with anything. Yes, it all banks on my first negative test being accurate and Superdork that is scary that you had various results like that. I was told that my tests were by all accounts accurate by my doctor; but again anything is possible. As for Talitha's question, did I ask the "20 minute" girl. Yes, and I was a jerk to her. When I first told my girlfriend her immediate reaction was that it didn't come from her; that she got tested every year when going to her doctor. Wanting to believe her I called the other girl and was not very nice; her response was don't call me again and I better not have given it to her. I've never heard back and I left a voice mail apologizing but again she never called back; so who knows what that means. Now back to the girlfriend, it turns out that her doctor did NOT test her for Herpes; only other STD's. So right back to square one.

As you all said, it's too late now and time to move on so thanks again.

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ken32

Thanks Miss Positive, I agree. If this is so common who knows who is walking around with it. And why don't they test more? Number7, no. Both tests were negative for HSV-1.

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Number7
Thanks Miss Positive, I agree. If this is so common who knows who is walking around with it. And why don't they test more? Number7, no. Both tests were negative for HSV-1.

Your diagnosis for hsv2---was it by blood test or culture?

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