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His choice or mine?


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I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now, I was diagnosed with genital herpes about 2 weeks ago. I believe I got the virus from his cold sore and oral/genital contact.

My question: I told him it was his choice whether he wanted to continue having unprotected sex since I was diagnosed. He chose to continue, however I'm now wondering if it should be his choice. The idea of hurting him kills me, we're very committed, moving in together soon and basically living together now, but I don't know if it's a forever partnership. Should I allow him to take the risk, since it is his body and his future and he understands we may not be "rest-of-our-lives" material. Or should I say no for his sake and the guilt of putting him through this I currently feel?

Sorry for the novel, any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

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I can understand how you feel, i think the best thing you could do is print off as many facts about this virus you can, explain how you feel about having this virus, explain to him how hard people find it when meeting someone new and having to "have the talk".

I caught it the same way you did, and it had to be my husbands choice, i gave him all the facts, he came to his own decision, i think he has to make his own mind up when given all the facts.

Good Luck

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I don't understand the situation.

You got genital HSV from his oral HSV, and now you are worried that you will give him back his HSV on his genitals?

Have you two been tested?

Does he feel guilty of giving you HSV?

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Yes that is the correct situation.

I have been tested, he has not.

He feels very guilty, but I don't want him to since he had no idea he would infect me, or any intention whatsoever of hurting me.

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I don't know what answer you are wanting to your question?

This is what I heard from you:

You told your guy that you are hsv positive.

He took the time to listen to what you had to say.

He still wants to have unprotected sex with you.

You've been tested and he has not.

You should respect his right to choose unless you don't want to continue the sexual relationship for your own reasons and that is a choice you have a right to make as well.

He may already be hsv positive orally and genitally.

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Thanks for the input everyone.... I'm starting to deal with the choice he made without feeling guilty.

Next dilemma is the immense swelling, rawness of skin, and pain I get after intercourse. Any comments?

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if you are getting those symptoms after sex then there is a chance you have the virus active on either his skin or yours without visible symptoms and the sex makes it more noticeable. I only had that same feeling when it turned out the virus was active on either my skin or my boyfriends and we thought it wasnt and had sex. So, it might be that you are in fact having outbreaks that arent visible before sex, or internal outbreaks which can then cause similar symptoms during and after. Id just be careful, or wait a bit and see if there is any change in a week or so. Also, if it is just dry and raw then using a lubricant should help but Ive read some lubricants make it easier for the virus to transmit...cant remember the ingredient that does this, if i do remember, Ill write it in another post. Good luck, hope its just a one time thing that this kind of thing is happening, otherwise it may be indicating an infection perhaps, or internal outbreak, or asymptomatic shedding and the inflammation and swelling comes from the friction and rubbing which irritates the skin where the virus is present. Id also recommend that he gets tested via herpes specific blood test to see if he has more than one type of herpes, so you guys know for sure what you are dealilng with. Its also your choice of course, but a full battery of tests for all stds for both of you coudnt hurt either because stds sometimes travel in 2's and when a person is diagnosed with one, sometimes they are so focused and concerned with that that their doctors and themselves dont even consider that they have cotracted something else right along with it, but because they see symptoms for one, the only focus on that. Also, ya never know if something else is contributing to making sex painful or increasing the irritation. And above all else, ya never know if one of you has something even more serious than herpes, just a good thought to consider. If nothing else id strongly suggest the blood test for him because he very well could have both types and then you are at more of a risk of getting both types....and if you give him oral sex then you could get herpes in your mouth too, if you dont already have it there. Hope everything is ok though for your sake. Good luck with things.

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    • CHT
      Hello "FeelingLost".... your fears and concerns are understandable but, nothing you've described regarding the sexual encounter would cause you to contract herpes.... further, your symptoms are not herpes related.  Best of all, your doctor is correct, your results don't show any herpes here.  You can relax.... definitely have your GP take a look at things and see what might be causing the symptoms but, again, none of them are typical herpes related.  I wish you the best in terms of talking to your wife about this encounter.... hopefully she will understand and you both can work through this amicably.  We all make mistakes.... be careful not to beat yourself up too hard over this.... you can become so racked with guilt that you start imagining physical symptoms.  Best of luck.... and take care..... come back to the site if you have questions.
    • FeelingLost75
      Hi (I’m really scared and feel really disappointed in myself and worried about my future), I had oral sex with a condom almost 3 weeks ago and a massage parlor. I also received a hand job at the same time prior to putting a condom on, also may have rubbed my penis on her back a little. Did not touch her genitals I don’t recall any sores on her back. After the event she handed me a pice of TP and after I took off the condom I wiped my penis head to clear away the excess ejaculation…this is where I suspect I got infected, she had just gone pee and wiped and maybe touched a sore or something and then I got it on my penis from the tp? Idk. I’m just flailing.   After this I’ve had discomfort on the skin below the head of my penis and 4 bumps for 2 weeks now, the bumps don’t seem to have changed in size. I also had frequent urination for about a week and have had dull pain in my groin on and off. I also have some pins and needles on the sides of my abdomen/trunk that get worse when I go out in the heat or get dehydrated. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping, likely due to guilt and shame and worry about the future.   so I got one test done at 10 days from the event (idk know if this can tell me anything… the doctor assured me it was 100% correct and I don’t have herpes. I was not physically examined). I got a full panel std. neg for everything. HSV-1 results: IgG 0.3 / HSV-2 IgG 0.9 hsv-1 IgM = 2.2 hsv-2 IgM = 3.0 (Reference V. Negative: Less than 9.0 Borderline: 9.0 to 11.0 Positive: Greater than 11.0) I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday, hoping he can help. Will likely go to a std testing service tomorrow to see if I can get in an antiviral proactively. Plan to get tested again this week.    
    • TS4real
    • FeelingLost75
      How are you doing now?
    • TS4real
      May 13 ( day I will never forget).. a guy I was dating and I drank way to much and decided to have anal sex. We did use protection however, not enough lube, wasn’t done correctly and it was painful. So bad that I yelled out and fell off the bed. Anyway, oral was also performed on me anal and vaginal. Flash forward to 3-4 days after that. I was in the most intense pain I had ever felt. I went to a gyn she tool one look and said it looks like herpes. She swabbed me . 2 days after that, yes it’s HSV1 . I was still in pain, irritated anal area and vaginal area and It was unbearable.  today, I still have irritation and itchy and when I pass a bowel i’m in pain and the itch is crazy.     When I first was diagnoses the gyn gave me valtrex which I did not take bc I was in so much pain I could not move for 2 days.  Groin lymphs were swollen I had fever , tired etc.  I am wondering if I had taken the valtrex would it have kinda liked stopped the virus in it’s tracks enough to reproduce? Do people see a correlation between no more outbreaks and immediate initial valtrex  use ? I am 43, I never thought this wound happen as I am not a promiscuous person, I hardly date and I always use protection when I do have intercouse , have yearly std tests. I’m just so sad that i’m at this point right now . I’m trying not to get depressed but this is making my body feel miserable. I’m an avid runner and biker and mom of two teens. I feel like my life as I knew is over. I want to feel better already.
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