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Getting ready to drop the bomb . .

hoffmmel

By hoffmmel
in Disclosure (telling)

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hoffmmel Honeycomb Member

hoffmmel

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Hi everyone!

So here's a quick background. I have been no angel about my sex life, but always made sure to use protection and get tested twice yearly. Then, one fateful night, someone slipped something into my drink, the next thing I know I am in a different town waking up naked in a strange place with bruises all over me. So, its taken me a long time to get over that, the only thing I am thankful for is that I don't remember the actual act of violation. So about 99% sure I got H from that incident as I was tested about 3 months later and came up positive for HSVII. This was about two years ago. Since then I haven't really dated anyone, but have slept with my best friend, of whom I informed, and as of this moment is still negative. Well, a few weeks ago, I met this amazing man. You know how everyone tells you that Mr. Perfect isn't out there, that you are being too picky? Well they are liars! I found him, and from what I've seen so far, I really think this might be something that will work out long term. Anways, we haven't slept together yet, as I am pushing the month or so waiting period. I AM SO NERVOUS about telling this wonderful person about it. When we talk, he always asks me "so what's the catch with you? How could it have taken me so long to find such a great girl like yourself." Everytime he says it, my stomach sinks and I just want to cry. Little does he know that there is a HUGE catch.

I have really come to terms with this disease, and really I have only had 1 outbreak in two years, without any medication. I just hope that he will be able to be mature about it. I just feel like asking someone to sleep with me, is like asking them to marry me. If they sleep with me and contract it then they either HAVE to stay with me, or be condemned to my fate as well. I do feel I am obligated to tell him, mostly because the guilt of not telling would kill me. Just not sure how to go about it. I am going to sit him down alone at my house and break the news. I just want to be prepared with some documents that discuss herpes,stats, safe sex, etc so that he can read them. My hope is that he will want to digest this for a few days, do some research on his own, and come back with the conclusion that he definately wants to be with me (fast forward to romantic weekend getaway).

Honestly to me, the rape part was the hardest thing to get through, and something that will be with my emotional body forever, but the HSV thing pales in comparison, even though it will be with my physical body forever.

I honestly don't want to bring up the rape thing, as that is very painful to me, and I feel that it predisposes me at least in many men's minds to being crazy. But I don't want him to think I'm a slut either.

So the questions are:

What are some good print resources that you suggest for explaining herpes in a positive manner?

Should I bring up the rape or not?

Who knows, maybe he has it as well. Would it be asking too much for me to ask that he goes in for a full panel STD test before I will sleep with him? I don't want anything else.

Thank you for any advice. I appreciate the support of this forum, and will probably send him here for some answers as well.

-"So if life is love, and good is life, then good is love and its good tonight."-Mama's Cookin'

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hopingseeking Established Member

hopingseeking

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I'm so sorry to hear about your being raped. It's not fair, what happened to you, and the awful shit that that experience was/is. I'm sorry.

You say he's perfect... it sounds like he's marriage material. I think you should tell him about the herpes, if you two feel close enough to move onto the next step. Telling him about the rape.. it's up to you. I personally don't tell people I'm dating that my mom passed away from cancer at least a few months into the relationship because I don't want the pity treatment.

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gutted. Established Member

gutted.

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Good to hear youve met sumone u care about - always good to hear for peeps in our situation!

tell him.... its not so much as a catch, your the catch, just with a little skin defect..

if its puts him off, he wasnt the person u thort he was, if it doesnt, u know uve really found sumone special!

i know i have!!

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Caliope Platinum Support Member

Caliope

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It's cool that you've met someone special.

Rape is a hard subject to discuss even on a good day. I've never found that it helped me to disclose the details (I was raped when I was 14). I don't want to be pitied and I don't want to feel like a victim so I don't usually go there.

I've thought long and hard about insisting on an std clearance report and that's a difficult one. It depends if you are willing to trust someone's word or if you need something more. A truly honest relationship would not be damaged by this type of disclosure.

http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/tell_partner.htm

The link above is about telling a partner about hsv.

I believe in honesty and I'd start by asking him the questions you have about him. It sounds like you have something good so I'd think it is a necessary part of the progression of the relationship.

Best wishes.

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