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gravity

Disclosure/ Happiness

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gravity

I'm curious to hear people's opinions on disclosure. Recently Herpes has been completely on the back burner for me. I've been living my life: dating, wining/dining, bartending, everything that I am except Herpes. I'm happier this way!! It's not something I want to ever really be bothered by and disclosing will just result in unhappiness in my opinion!

So that leaves to the whole disclosure topic. Honestly I believe it puts more stigma on the virus by "owning" up to:wavey::wavey::wavey:it and having is viewed as this horrific defect. I'm not this virus and I do not want to be viewed as a leper!!

Tell me thoughts on this please!

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dancingdays

I personally could not do that. I wasnt given the choice and I wouldnt want to do that to anyone else. I just recently had the talk with the man I'm seeing and he was accepting. I know not everyone is like that.

at the same time I have learned to be ok if I was rejected due to herpes because my happiness is not tied to having a significant other.

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MissHope
I'm curious to hear people's opinions on disclosure. Recently Herpes has been completely on the back burner for me. I've been living my life: dating, wining/dining, bartending, everything that I am except Herpes. I'm happier this way!! It's not something I want to ever really be bothered by and disclosing will just result in unhappiness in my opinion!

So that leaves to the whole disclosure topic. Honestly I believe it puts more stigma on the virus by "owning" up to:wavey::wavey::wavey:it and having is viewed as this horrific defect. I'm not this virus and I do not want to be viewed as a leper!!

Tell me thoughts on this please!

So how happy will you be when your partner/date comes to you and advises that they have caught the virus from you? How happy will you be when you have to admit that you knew but didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation and allow them to take precautions to prevent exposure?

We'd all love to live life as if we didn't have a care in the world but I don't think that's possible - herpes or not, there is always some form of skeleton in everyone's closet and it's not realistic to live life as if there isn't.

What's realistic is being an adult who takes responsibility for their sexual health and that of their partners. Besides which, by not having a conversation about your sexual history, how do you know that you aren't getting something else from them?

I'm also worried about how you view the virus if you are using words like 'horrific defect' and 'leper'. You most certainly aren't a leper and herpes is simply a virus, it's not a horrific defect.

If you were to confess to me using language like this, of course I'd run for the hills. But you have coldsores - a virus that will not kill you, that can be easily managed and is incredibly common. And it's not guaranteed that you will pass it on.... my partner is still herpes free after three years.

My thoughts are the same as Dancingdays - you have to give people the choice by disclosing and you have to be willing to accept their decision. If they truly care about you, they'll see past a virus....

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osten

I feel that this is awfully similar to the other thread going on right now about disclosure.

If you haven't read it yet, here it is:

http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/messageforum/showthread.php?54686-More-thoughts-HSV-is-a-test-of-your-mental-strength

I think pretty much every angle on the subject has been discussed there.

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chickentuna

i think that thread has become absolutely crazy imo.. but anyway, back to the topic of this thread.

its nice to see that you have a good outlook on the virus in such a way that you dont see it as a priority in your life, which is shouldnt be... because it IS just a skin condition. however, disclosing is the proper thing to do because, like miss hope stated, what if your partner had another std and they did not share with you?.. with sex comes responsibility, thats how some of us got here in the first place, sex. as dancing said as well, many people here did not get the choice to take at least precautions to protect themselves from the virus as best as they can let alone have a choice at all in the matter.. we have to understand other people's point of views on what if we were in their shoes? and what if it was turned around?..

disclosing doesnt have to be about rejection, if thats what you are afraid of, it just has to be about allowing the other person to be able to make a choice, taking precautions, and do you really want someone that wouldnt accept you for it anyway?.. this virus doesnt have to tie you down in your sexual life, BUT it should make you a little bit more responsible, .

i have a lot more i want to say but im not going to ramble on and make this such a huge post you wont want to read it.. anyway.. this is my opinion.. good luck to you in the future.. if you decide you want to disclose to someone, there are many great links on how to give the talk, and how to boost confidence while doing it.. you can always come here and ask us for words of encouragement as well, we can be here for you step by step..

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osten
i think that thread has become absolutely crazy imo..

I know. I'm a bit worried another one will start up again so soon...

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chickentuna
I know. I'm a bit worried another one will start up again so soon...

it probably will but as long as we stay on track (hmm) then should go as planned.

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Acesheart
I'm curious to hear people's opinions on disclosure. Recently Herpes has been completely on the back burner for me. I've been living my life: dating, wining/dining, bartending, everything that I am except Herpes. I'm happier this way!! It's not something I want to ever really be bothered by and disclosing will just result in unhappiness in my opinion!

So that leaves to the whole disclosure topic. Honestly I believe it puts more stigma on the virus by "owning" up to:wavey::wavey::wavey:it and having is viewed as this horrific defect. I'm not this virus and I do not want to be viewed as a leper!!

Tell me thoughts on this please!

Hey gravity I certainly liked your post simply because you have an excellent Outlook on keeping with life and enjoying being alive :) .

I think for me personally, it was the lie by omission that made me leave my ex/giver. I always thought you take your licks in life when you screw up. Not say well he did it , she did it, you owned up to your mistakes.. He chose to lie, he chose to denie and I wasn't given the Choice! I loved him after 5 years together I would have died for him, its what we do for those we love. But his lies about affairs and his denials of even having herps, I couldn't live with that! Not having a choice over what you can or will have is not what anyone should be okay with, just my opinion. It isn't like when you were toddler and your mum says " you will wear that coat" , we were adults and as such we should be able to choose what we want at free will. I gave my.husband.the choice.and two years to wrap his head around my h. He witnessed my pain, emotional turmoil and many many angry times!! My sweet husband hung in! He heard the rumors, my ex outted me, he now knew they were true, but he also took the time to ask questions and found out I wasn't the giver, I was the receiver. He still to this day thanks me for choosing him. LOL. I tell him we chose each other and god blessed us with a child. Something I was told with first hubby I could never have. The ex is dead now, we reep what we sow. He continued on to infect 5 more wives and many, many others we called them groupies, three of the wives were my best friends. After that , that shattered!!

My point is non disclosing doesn't just affect your life, but many others. Those girls called me after his death crying wanted my sympathy and my friendship , nope that boat had sailed!! Not disclosing, IN MY OPINION PROMOTES THE STIGMA THAT HERPS IS A DEAL BREAKER. IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE, RUN FAR AWAY! This simply isn't so. It can change your life for the better too. :) . I want it noted this is my opinion and my 25 years experiences with living and living with herps. :) thanks for the thread. Hugs, Ace :hithere:

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TellMeWhatToDo

My ex left me for another guy. She did not tell him she had cold sores on her genitals because she was aware of the stigma. Today she lives with him, is engaged to him, and is pregnant with his child. She is very happy. They are both very happy. Why shouldn't they be?

It's just a skin condition and she is who she is and why make it out to be some huge deal that it's not. It's a minor skin condition, not a death sentence. How many guys have you gone into kiss who suddenly stopped you in a teary outburst of emotion and said, no wait, I have oral herpes. I'm guessing Zero. Do you really expect them to do that? Herpes is herpes no matter what part of your body it's located on. Sounds like you've had it long enough to realize that and get over the stigma.

I've had it a year and I'm a very ethical & moral person. Despite years of opportunities I didn't have sex until 24. That was very hard. And when I got diagnosed with genital herpes I was so emotional and destroyed that I hid from women. Then I finally got up the courage to tell one who flat out told me she wanted sex with me and when I told her about having cold sores down below she was seized by the stigma and would not see me again. She told me to erase her number because she was no longer interested. This is the reality of having cold sores in a location where people stigmatize it.

Herpes is herpes. You should check out the thread mentioned above because there are posters in there who don't see it necessary to cater to the stigma and that's the best way to defeat it. Or you could become sick with anxiety over a minor skin condition like I've been and have your hair fall out for no reason. Stress and anxiety can have physical effects on you and others in your life far worse than this minor skin condition. I've lost a lot of friends in my depression and feel foolish for it. I figured it up and I've kissed close to a thousand girls and not once in my life has any girl stopped me and said, wait, I must disclose to you I have herpes. Not one. What's crazy about that fact? It's true and me denying it would be crazy. Or you can buy into the stigma that somehow the herpes on your genitals sets you apart from 80% of those thousand girls I've kissed who didn't think a second thing about the herpes they were exposing me to. By the way, I found out in my thirties that I'd had oral herpes since I was three. How awful it is that I did not protect all those girls I kissed despite the fact I'm a good kisser ;). Maybe I should hate my dad for kissing me as a child. It made me feel loved as was his intention but oh my god he's such a horrible person for giving me herpes. If only I could go back and live those thirty years I didn't know about it battling daily feelings of isolation and unwantedness. Or does that sound crazy? Sheesh.

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chickentuna

its not making a huge deal out of it.. its allowing the other person to just be able to make the choice to take some precautions...which is what should be done with coldsores as well, as it is also herpes which many people dont know which is why genital herpes1 cases are rising.

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TellMeWhatToDo

Did you not read my entire post? No girl has EVER stopped me from kissing her to give me the warning: no, wait, take precautions - I have herpes. That's crazy! That's NEVER happened and it shouldn't because it's not a big freakin' deal!

More importantly, though, what the heck kind of precautions can the uninfected take???? Is she going to eat right for me? Is she going to feel my prodromes for me? Is she going to take my Valtrex for me? I have eyes. I can investigate my own privates better than she can even if she did said investigations better than a professional P.I.

I'll tell you the precaution she can take. She can run. Far, far, far away. That's about it.

No. Precautions must be taken by me, as the infected. Better I eat healthily and take bad tasting medicine and very good care of myself and live to fulfillment than bow to irrationality and fill my head with pharmaceutical propaganda and a stigma driven by the ignorant as well as the well-meaning but sadly misdirected masses. I need not shun myself and shut myself off from a life of normalcy because I have a harmless skin condition that 80% of the population has. I will not cater to the stigma.

I'd argue herpes isn't even a freakin' STD anyway. Sure you can catch it having sex. You can catch the damn flu having sex. It's a skin condition. You get it from touching skin. A girl could catch it spooning with her 15 year old boyfriend just as she could get it skinny dipping with her best gal pals or playing twister in a skirt with her sweet and protective older brother. No sex involved. Or she could get herpes from kissing a loving parent as I did. Herpes is herpes. It's a skin condition and a minor one at that. I wasted a year of my life worrying myself to sickness when it was completely unnecessary.

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chickentuna

no need to be rude stay on topic and dont jump down my throat, please and thank you.

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TellMeWhatToDo

I apologize if you felt I was being deliberately discourteous. Truly! 'Twas not my intention at all. I think you're great and I appreciate you! :) It's not you but the stigma that I'm battling.

I just rue the day I let it control my life.

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Acesheart
Did you not read my entire post? No girl has EVER stopped me from kissing her to give me the warning: no, wait, take precautions - I have herpes. That's crazy! That's NEVER happened and it shouldn't because it's not a big freakin' deal!

More importantly, though, what the heck kind of precautions can the uninfected take???? Is she going to eat right for me? Is she going to feel my prodromes for me? Is she going to take my Valtrex for me? I have eyes. I can investigate my own privates better than she can even if she did said investigations better than a professional P.I.

I'll tell you the precaution she can take. She can run. Far, far, far away. That's about it.

No. Precautions must be taken by me, as the infected. Better I eat healthily and take bad tasting medicine and very good care of myself and live to fulfillment than bow to irrationality and fill my head with pharmaceutical propaganda and a stigma driven by the ignorant as well as the well-meaning but sadly misdirected masses. I need not shun myself and shut myself off from a life of normalcy because I have a harmless skin condition that 80% of the population has. I will not cater to the stigma.

I'd argue herpes isn't even a freakin' STD anyway. Sure you can catch it having sex. You can catch the damn flu having sex. It's a skin condition. You get it from touching skin. A girl could catch it spooning with her 15 year old boyfriend just as she could get it skinny dipping with her best gal pals or playing twister in a skirt with her sweet and protective older brother. No sex involved. Or she could get herpes from kissing a loving parent as I did. Herpes is herpes. It's a skin condition and a minor one at that. I wasted a year of my life worrying myself to sickness when it was completely unnecessary.

Hey TellMeWhatToDo, my FIL had oral h too. He never knew, noone did. They only said he got fever blisters, we never ever saw them. Ever, 18 years of me being around him and I never saw any signs. He kissed my daughter, she's non h. He kissed his Son, my hubby and he's non h. He kissed me and his wife and his grandkids. So far they are all non h to my knowledge. My ex, my giver had ghsv2 he slept with 5 woman and married them. Three were my ex best friends, same three called me after he died, they now had genital herpes, my oh my whatever would they do? I laughed and said "you slept with my husband, when we were married" they heard the rumors, LIES, he told everyone how I had herps, now you want my sympathy and my What? Why in hell would I feel for you. You slept with my husband.

My point is many family members were exposed to my Father in Law, noone got his oral h. Many slept with my ex husband, many got his genital herpes.

They abandoned me cause of my genital herpes, well I had the last laugh. I live a wonderful , fun, loving life with my h. Last time I heard, those women were now pegged with a scarlet letter, same letter they placed on my head.

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RealisticGal

I'd argue herpes isn't even a freakin' STD anyway. Sure you can catch it having sex. You can catch the damn flu having sex. It's a skin condition. You get it from touching skin. A girl could catch it spooning with her 15 year old boyfriend just as she could get it skinny dipping with her best gal pals or playing twister in a skirt with her sweet and protective older brother. No sex involved.

Hi TellMeWhatToDo ---

You seem to have some misconceptions about HSV transmission.

Transmission during a swim? That is not accurate. For one thing, studies have shown that the water (especially if chlorinated) would deactivate the viral particles almost immediately. Besides which, are you suggesting that girls who go skinny dipping together engage in vigorous skin-to-skin contact between their genitals?

And what the hell sort of Twister have you played in the past? First, I wouldn't play Twister while wearing a skirt...with my brother or anyone else. Well, maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just a bit more modest than that. But even if I did wear a skirt (not bloody likely), I would certainly expect that both I and any other players would wear undies! Seriously, we played our share of Twister back in the day, but I do not recall ever having genital-to-genital contact with anyone else during that game.

:cheers:

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Acesheart

Hi TellMeWhatToDo ---

You seem to have some misconceptions about HSV transmission.

Transmission during a swim? That is not accurate. For one thing, studies have shown that the water (especially if chlorinated) would deactivate the viral particles almost immediately. Besides which, are you suggesting that girls who go skinny dipping together engage in vigorous skin-to-skin contact between their genitals?

And what the hell sort of Twister have you played in the past? First, I wouldn't play Twister while wearing a skirt...with my brother or anyone else. Well, maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just a bit more modest than that. But even if I did wear a skirt (not bloody likely), I would certainly expect that both I and any other players would wear undies! Seriously, we played our share of Twister back in the day, but I do not recall ever having genital-to-genital contact with anyone else during that game.

:cheers:

Hahaha, damn I just got that image in my head. I used to play twister, I never played without undies. :dontknow:

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Misty407

I completely agree with the OP. I will not disclose in the future. Don't let the moral police convince you otherwise. It's YOUR life.

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Misty407
I personally could not do that. I wasnt given the choice and I wouldnt want to do that to anyone else. I just recently had the talk with the man I'm seeing and he was accepting. I know not everyone is like that.

at the same time I have learned to be ok if I was rejected due to herpes because my happiness is not tied to having a significant other.

You could have chosen to refrain from all sexual and romantic contact including kissing. Thats the only way to be 100% safe.

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Acesheart

I have a daughter in college, I disclosed to her last year to get her educated on herpes/cold sores. She is bisexual and thought only vaginal sexy times gave you genital herpes. I explained oral sex is sex! Many in her college say "I'm a virgin, I have not had intercourse" my daughter now feels comfortable to let them know about herpes. She actually put this website address up on the Board in the Hall she lives in. She cut dozens of papers for them to secretly take when they pass by. It is why how most our children or their friends will learn information about herpes. I know. I'm sure many have visited here or are still deciding to join. She has made several new friends, several with cold sores! My daughter is bisexual, she needed to be educated. This site.and its Acknowledged Members have educated me and given me great links to help my daughter, possibly even your sisters, brothers, and children. Hugs, Ace :)

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gravity

Thanks All for your response,

I'm still enjoying my casual relationships. Honestly, It never crosses my mind to disclose or it being the "right" thing to do. I'm a sexually active human being who will not be shunned by a stigma grossly enlarged my a medical company.

My Life. My choice. I will not be controlled and feel like a moral degenerate simply for not telling people I have a virus.

Cheers

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Nanci

I think this is a GREAT thread. Lots of good and honest postings. I recently disclosed. The subject of herpes/STDs came up somehow & so I seized the opportunity and said, "yeah, I got it just last year", to which he said "Oh, yeah, well I have the oral kind" (nice disclosure) to which I clarified "I have the other kind, the supposedly bad kind". I mentioned that 25% of the population had it, and I got it from someone who didn't know they had it. Which of course is true. Not much else was said but I was happy it was out in the open. We haven't gotten really close to sex yet, but the physical part of the relationship has started, so I'm glad it was said. I probably need to pass on JBnAtl's link to the article at some point, but I'll wait for the right time. In the meantime there is no evidence that has slowed his interest at all. He's a bit of a extremist in some ways so I know he'll be hearing/reading the bad "stigma" stuff, so I'll have to counter that with some facts. Anyway, I'm not worried about it, and I don't feel worried about being rejected. Anyone I want to be with has to be reasonable enough to look at the facts and statitstics and not get freaked out. If someone is freaked out by herpes, who knows what eles they'll freak out about. I don't want to be with that kind of person! So I guess that I've decided that calm and not throwing it all out there at once makes me feel more relaxed. More will be revealed in time, and its not the big scary "talk". That's what's worried me, and it looks like I'll be able to educate/inform in phases and that will work much better for me.

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MissHope
I think this is a GREAT thread. Lots of good and honest postings. I recently disclosed. The subject of herpes/STDs came up somehow & so I seized the opportunity and said, "yeah, I got it just last year", to which he said "Oh, yeah, well I have the oral kind" (nice disclosure) to which I clarified "I have the other kind, the supposedly bad kind". I mentioned that 25% of the population had it, and I got it from someone who didn't know they had it. Which of course is true. Not much else was said but I was happy it was out in the open. We haven't gotten really close to sex yet, but the physical part of the relationship has started, so I'm glad it was said. I probably need to pass on JBnAtl's link to the article at some point, but I'll wait for the right time. In the meantime there is no evidence that has slowed his interest at all. He's a bit of a extremist in some ways so I know he'll be hearing/reading the bad "stigma" stuff, so I'll have to counter that with some facts. Anyway, I'm not worried about it, and I don't feel worried about being rejected. Anyone I want to be with has to be reasonable enough to look at the facts and statitstics and not get freaked out. If someone is freaked out by herpes, who knows what eles they'll freak out about. I don't want to be with that kind of person! So I guess that I've decided that calm and not throwing it all out there at once makes me feel more relaxed. More will be revealed in time, and its not the big scary "talk". That's what's worried me, and it looks like I'll be able to educate/inform in phases and that will work much better for me.

Great post - great attitude Nanci! I love it....!

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chickentuna

my thoughts on this are mixed up in my head right now.. .. herpes IS a mostly harmless skin condition, and poses no threat to your life, which is understandable to those who DONT want to disclose.. i can see that point.. but since its that harmless, why not just harmlessly disclose? if the virus is really no big deal, then disclosing should be no big deal.. yes? no?

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gnaf119
my thoughts on this are mixed up in my head right now.. .. herpes IS a mostly harmless skin condition, and poses no threat to your life, which is understandable to those who DONT want to disclose.. i can see that point.. but since its that harmless, why not just harmlessly disclose? if the virus is really no big deal, then disclosing should be no big deal.. yes? no?

Virus itself is not a big deal.

Disclosure is a big deal only because of stigma, which unfortunately is pervasive and powerful.

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