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manoman19

Herpes in College- sex advice

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manoman19

At the turn of the new year I was diagnosed with herpes... I am a sophomore in a university, recently single, and in a tough spot with a new fling. I would love some dating advice from college students, or people who have dealt with herpes in this time period.

Recently a guy has shown a lot of interest in me and we've been spending a lot of time together. We've been intimate, outside of sex, for about two months now. We've discussed sex (usually when intoxicated- never soberly/seriously) and I've alluded to having problems with sex so we've never done it. At the same time I have really led him on by making it seem like a possibility. He invited me to his fraternity away weekend that's in 2 weeks. Basically it'll be 48 hours being wasted and spending a lot of time in the hotel room together... I'm sure he expects this will be the night we go all the way, and as much as I want it I know I'd have to tell him about the virus. That being the case- I can't see myself going through with telling him!!

I've heard all the advice about "if he cares about you it won't be a deal breaker" but I mean I'm in college... I am not looking for a long term boyfriend, and I doubt he's looking for a girl friend either! We just want to have fun!

What's the solution? Should I take a risk on a fling and tell him or should I keep doing the mysterious BS until he gets bored and moves on? I'm scared of his rejection if I do tell him. Why would he want to have sex with me when there are hundreds of girls he could jump in bed with without the risk of an STD??

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lovelyoptimistic

In the exact situation. IT SUCKS! Only in my case this guy and I have been flirting/semi dating for over a year.

If you want to go to the fraternity weekend, I'd recommend telling him beforehand. You don't want things to get out of control and you end up sleeping with him without disclosing--especially since the 2 of you have already participated in "other" activities. The likelihood that it could lead to sex is very high when under the influene of alcohol. It sounds to me that you don't like the idea of not disclosing before sex. Therefore, if you did sleep with him without the talk do you handle the emotional stress afterwards?

I can't really offer any valid advice as I have yet to follow through with any of my own advice lol...but here are some things I have thought of with the help of this forum: (1) Write a short note AND give it to him. I always choke up when I'm about to say something. Writing it down will prevent that "I know what I want to say but the words won't come out of my mouth" moment. (2) If you trust him enough, send a text. (3) In casual convo just state that you would like to get tested before sex. That way the topic is introduced, and it won't be as awkward when you start talking about sexual history etc. It also gives him the opportunity to ask for your results because he will be expecting it, and you won't chicken out ( like I have done so many times).

I've heard that once you do it, it is such a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. I belive it too because the anxiety it brings s-u-c-k-s! I would much rather tell him right now but for some reason I freeze every time. Save yourself the stress and do it!!! Trust me. There are many stories from users on here who have had positive experiences from their talks.

Good luck and I hope everything works out!

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rackcity

Alcohol and herpes don't mix very well. If it wasn't for alcohol I wouldn't have herpes, I'd still have my natural left front tooth, and I wouldn't have a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. I wish my 22 year old self could go in a time machine and have a chat with my 18 year old self haha

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rackcity

I would definitely tell him beforehand though. Right now your just in that limbo area where he doesn't know. Once he knows you have it you both can move forward together or just move on. I've found that when you tell someone about it, just be calm. Don't hyperventilate and act like it is a huge deal. Its easier said then done but if you don't act like its a huge deal, then he is more likely to feel the same way. Just make sure you read up on your facts about herpes before hand so you can answer his questions.

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manoman19

I know my facts.. I hope I can stay calm.. I agree with both of you, 100%. But I am scared he will reject me. What if he tells his friends. It's the frat I am most associated with so I am terrified of word spreading. And what if he takes back his invitation. I just want to live life like I used to live it. It sucks that stupid things like going to an away weekend have to get complicated because of H.

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karlson

Hey there, IF you just wanna have fun, dont tell him anything and play safe, be very careful with skin-to skin thing and use condoms. 99% he will not get anything from you, and you both will have lots of fun. I never tell anyone about this sh''t and just practice very safe sex. Otherwise how would you get laid? People are so biased. And more than that, someone who gave it to me, knew about it and still did not care. So why should you? Cynical, right? But everything comes with a price. So just go ahead, have fun, and keep it as a secret.

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Acesheart
Hey there, IF you just wanna have fun, dont tell him anything and play safe, be very careful with skin-to skin thing and use condoms. 99% he will not get anything from you, and you both will have lots of fun. I never tell anyone about this sh''t and just practice very safe sex. Otherwise how would you get laid? People are so biased. And more than that, someone who gave it to me, knew about it and still did not care. So why should you? Cynical, right? But everything comes with a price. So just go ahead, have fun, and keep it as a secret.

Just a note , condoms only protect about 30% from Hsv and Hpv. Also if you are on antivirals. They reduce shedding (you can pass h without ob) and suppress the virus and frequency of the outbreaks. Most of us are here because someone just.wanted to have fun. It's all great.til its you, someone you know. Your sister, brother or child. :(

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karlson

HI There.

First. Hypothetically, if i have ob on my organ, and i if i cover it with a condom, there will be 99% chance that i wont infect anyone. Virus just cannot get through condom, no way to do it. Otherwise, we would all have hiv by now, and the condoms were promulgated as inadequate. Having sex with herpes is a sex by new rules, where you have to be prudent and stay within boundaries. Thats it.

Second. She just can go and have as much fun as she wants with that guy. Your advice sounds very discouraging and despondent, sorry. Its like stay in your solitary confinement and satisfy yourself for the rest of your life, cause condoms doesnt stop it. No good at all!! Go and have fun, and lots of fu'g, cause you are young and desired. Dont think about herpes, just be prudent with him in bed and enjoy. Dont follow for pessimism of other people. It took me 5 years of immense amount of partners to catch it, and i caught it cause i lost my cautiousness once, so it was my fault.

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Elle22

Actually karlson, condoms are only 30-40% effective for hsv and hpv because these viruses are spread through skin to skin contact, unlike other stds such as hiv which are spread through fluids.

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manoman19

Ahh I keep going back in forth!!! Some days I'm like f it.. I'll be safe, use a condom, I'm on antivirals, bla bla bla but then other times I freak out and know that it would be so immoral. The weekender is 3 days away and I am just as lost as ever. But thank you everyone for your wisdom.

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