i can't stop crying

[k8r7g]

hi everybody,

well i don't really know what to type or what to say, and even beginning to type on here is making me tear up...

i broke up with my boyfriend of over 3 years a while ago and found myself fuelling my pain with alcohol and as a result random unprotected sex with people that just wouldn't have happened otherwise...

i've got symptoms identifiable with herpes.. i have an appointment in two days at the doctor and i'm just so scared about what i do from now on..

its not about finding out i have it, i know it do but just dealing with that and moving on... i hate thinking that a stupid few months of my life when i was hurting so bad about losing the one thing i cared about have now led to something i have to deal with for life..

i find myself hating myself, just so angry that i let this happen, hating the people who had sex with me when i was so intoxicated i didn't even know what was happening... hating myself for putting myself in that situation... i'm just so messed up....

[hermit416]

Having herpes really isnt that bad, i think the worst thing about it is having to tell someone that you love and then bein rejected. One thing to understand is that your going to have to keep your chin up and stay strong so ya dont fall into the feelings of being consumed and overwhelmed by this disease or you will only imprison yourself. I did that and what a mistake, you start thinking stuff like how can anyone love me and blah blah blah, its ok, you are still lovable and the right person wont even care that you have it. Its really not a serious thing. Be relieved that its not life threatening and it could have been a whole lot worse.

[purpleflamingo]

I went through a very similar situation, that's not how I ended up with HSV but I made very dangerous decisions with my body that I'm still dealing with the emotional issues from.

I promise it gets better. Find someone to talk to, maybe not a normal everyday friend but somebody you trust who you don't feel judged by and is a good listener. And just talk... it helps.

The biggest step that I'm still working towards and probably will be for a long time is forgiving myself. It's hard when you're angry but mostly at yourself and you feel like your own worst enemy.

The loss of a love/relationship especially that long is like losing something of who you are, it's hard to identify yourself or where you stand. So think of it as the stages of grief, since you really are losing someone from your life, and forgive yourself for having all these emotions, let yourself grieve.

Finally, explore things that make you feel better, that maybe you've always wanted to try and never could or things you love that you never give yourself time to do. When you feel terrible, write, draw, take pictures, go for a run, whatever your escape is, don't be afraid to try a billion different things until you find the one that lets you have piece of mind even if only for an hour.

Email me anytime you need, I'm always up to talk or just listen. Good luck and just know that mistakes made while you're growing up are just growing pains (even if they are excruciating), it's hard to see it now, but this is a lesson in disguise about body image/self esteem and coping with a trauma, (ending a relationship/getting diagnosed, etc).

Hope you find comfort in this... best wishes.

[k8r7g]

i guess i just hate the fact that it could have been so easily avoided, and that i allowed myself to get in that situation, the drunken sex.. i never would have had sex with any of the people i did if i hadn't been totally wasted and i hate myself and them for that...

i hate the fact that for 3 years i had a loving relationship and that since that ended my life has just gone downhill... drinking out of control.. and now herpes...

i hate myself so much i'm just balling my eyes out.. i want to tell my mum but she is going to hate me... she has such huge morals and will just be soooooo disappointed in me and i guess thats probably one of the biggest problems i'm having right now.. knowing that she would feel that way... she really will be so disappointed..

[k8r7g]

thanks purple flamingo... i mean dealing with this is one thing but yes dealing with losing my boyfriend is a whole other thing that as much as i like to think i'm over it.. i'm far from it...

i miss him so much and just wish we'd stayed together, even though he hurt me a lot and really it was the right thing... my mind is filled with the if only we had have stayed together then this wouldn't have happened sort of thoughts and i hate that too...

i just think about how easily it could have been prevented and that kills me and makes me soooo angry!!!

[hermit416]

moms get disappointed with their sons and daughters cuz they love them and want the best for them and thats just part of bein a mom. It could have been easily avoided but it wasnt so ya cant look back to how you could have changed things. Just look at the situation and what happened and whats done is done and your still alive and healthy otherwise and i think mom would agree. I also have huge morals and young and older teenagers and ide be mortified had any come home with this news but after some thought ide just be happy they are comin home alive and healthy. Everyone makes mistakes, there tools for life and just think, you may have gotten herpes now but had you not of, maybe you could have went out and done the same thing later down the road and contracted HIV instead, having this may be actually saving your life. Thank God

[purpleflamingo]

I know what you mean, but you are better off if he hurt you, even with HSV you have a bright future. It's one step at a time, quit drinking, start trying to forgive yourself and deal with the stages, denial is the first... and then anger ( why is this happening to me, what if's?). I know you feel alone and outcasted but I promise you're not.

And I think you'd be surprised with parents about how love conquers all, I won't be a hypocrite and tel lyou to tlel ehr everything, because I haven't told my mom, but we have gotten closer lately and I felt i could tell ehr about HSV, she was so supportive and just sad since I'm away at college that she couldn't be there to take care of me while I was sick with my initial OB. Again one slow step at a time, tell her you need her help and what you have, she doens't need all the gory details, maybe later, may be never. But I bet you she'll be there no matter what, gotta love moms.

Crucial point: none of this makes you a bad person, even the drunken sex, life happens, and sometimes it sucks, but you're allowed to screw up from time to time, so just know you are not a disappointment or a bad person. just a growing one, who was trying to cope with a big issue and like i said i know from experience that euphoric buzz from alcohol makes things better, unfortunately it's only temporary. so try not to b e so mad, easier said than done, but in time it'll get better, promise.

[uk girl]

I think Hermit is so right, yes we want the best for our children, but we cant live their lives for them, yes we can try and guide them,but like us they will go down their own pathway and make their own decisions.

I think we would all love to turn the clocks back and right a wrong, but we cant, we can only learn from it, make sure we never put ourselves in that situation again.

Your mom loves you no matter what, you will still be you at the end of the day, and she will still have you, she will be sad but her love for you is unconditional.

Some of us at some time have taken to drink to blot out events in our life,

some of us have been given a wake up call, by no means am i saying getting herpes is a good thing to have (its crap) but it could of been HIV,and at some time we have to take control,small steps,and start looking after ourselves.

I know it hurts that you have broken up with your boyfriend, we can nearly all relate to that pain, but he hurt you before, and you are worth better than that, you have got to learn to love yourself,you are beautiful inside and out,and he never had the right to hurt you EVER!!!!

Take care

[Caliope]

Your beliefs about what mum will think or believe are unfounded. You can't prove that she will be that way. You have no evidence that those thoughts are absolutely true.

We mum's love our kids and want what is best for them. We teach them how to avoid painful decisions because we love them and want to protect them. Well that is how I feel about my son. I'd do anything to keep him safe and happy and he's 25 years old. Mostly have to let go and just be there for him now.

I've been in that dark place of trying to numb my own pain and used alcohol to do it. You sound like you are disappointed in yourself. You can't change the past but you can start by forgiving yourself and letting yourself off the hook. You deserve to be happy and there's no need to keep punishing yourself for the demise of your relationship or the days following. Heartache doesn't heal right away but we do learn to go forward one day at a time.

I hurt for you. I'm sorry this has happened but try to be strong and take care of yourself. You are important.

[texasgirl]

I just wanted to say not to be so hard on yourself. I got herpes in 2002 and I don't even know who I got it from. I was very irresponsible. It took me a while, but I had to forgive myself. It takes time but things will get better. I found great support in a support group where I live. It made me feel better since I wasn't the only with the problem. If they have one in your area, you should check it out.