forgiving indiscretion

[faithful]

Newly diagnosed here. Deeply saddened. I acquired it from my husband of 20+ years. Any advise on how to even BEGIN to attempt forgiveness and moving on?

[WaxedWrong]

you know its possible to have it years and never have any symptoms, or anything then one day, bam, herpes.

its possible he had it years never knew, and it kicked in one day and he passed it to you- or you had it never knew and one day had a outbreak.

cheating, isnt always the case. UNLESS he told you that was it- and now he and you both have it. ** he should be tested to determine this**

but my advice, what do you want? do you still want to be with him? if you cant see anything else, then take it one day at a time, rebuilding that trust. that doesnt mean strategically have hot women hit on him to see if he will take the bait, but talk, talk ALOT- even go to therapy if you feel its necessary. go on vacation, camping etc- just be alone, and work it out.

moving on is the easy part- forgiveness is harder.

[faithful]

inviting the wolf in for tea

Thanks for responding Wax...

Yeah, long story short, he did admit to it. But we had a briefly experimental, quasi-open marriage for a time, about 10 years ago. I say quasi, because adding women was aggreed to, but not men. One of the women he was with, had HVS and she was open and honest about it. I didn't do anything with her, but hubby did. He wore a condom, but now everything I read says it was hardly any measure of protection. So of course he keeps coming back to that time in our lives. I had always had a low sex drive and for years we talked about him taking on a lover. Well apparently about a year ago he did. He never told me about it at the time. That's the thing that stung the most (I never had the benefit of feeling I was off the hook for keeping up with his needs) and recently he had come down with a rash that was eventually diagnosed as Molluscum Contagiosa (sounds like something Harry Potter would get!) And he gave it to me. It was then he confessed to his most recent indiscretion. The next day, I made an appt. to have myself tested for everything. I could have gotten over the Molluscum, that was a temporary thing. But this....?

Neither of us has had an OB that we know of. My levels for both types were high. He hasn't been tested yet, but I know he has it, there would be no other way I could have gotten it. I feel so tainted now, so dirty, so dead inside. And I feel partially responsible...after all I DID invite the wolf in for tea...then I was suprised when it bit me.

[WaxedWrong]

if hes gets tested you can find out what he gave to you. since you said both types are high, if he has 1, or both well then its a given, but if he only has 1 and not both- then you have gotten it from someone else(atleast 1 strain)

dont feel dirty, you are still the person you where before this- herpes comes and goes, but it cant kill you, and doesnt change any aspect of your life except sex. (which u did find out that condoms wont stop herpes -99.9% lies from the makers)

no regreats, it only really keeps you down, if i dwelled on every regreat i had i would never leave the house. take it with a grain of salt, and make your self a better person, have a better relationship with your husband etc etc.

think of it as, the wolf bit you, but it cant ever bite you again with out trying harder then the first time~~ scars only make you stronger. (physically, and emotionaly)

[Caliope]

I was married for 10 years and it has been another 10 years since we split up. I found out recently that I am positive for hsv too. It finally made sense of the many years of strange symptoms that drs had a hard time diagnosing.

So I had to come to terms with the fact that the marriage was not only bad but he had been unfaithful. He never admitted to an affair and he never discussed our marital problems but he made me feel less than a beautiful sexy wife and tore down my self esteem at every turn. Yes I have this virus to remind me of what my marriage was but it doesn't define me and I am so happy in the new life I created for myself hsv or no hsv.

So where do you go from here? How do you feel about the situation now that you are aware of the past year? Do you want to stay? Are you afraid? The hsv seems to be not so much the issue as a symptom of what's wrong in the marriage. As for sex drive it is often something medical and you should explore what caused that for you just in case it is something that can be corrected. I don't think you are fair to blame yourself for "inviting the wolf to tea" you made a choice but he made a choice to desert the marriage bed and that was selfish on his part.

For what it is worth life really is about falling down and getting up. It is the way we learn to navigate the world and no one holds it against us the number of times we fell when learning to walk.

Be realistic and honest with yourself and find out what is best for you. If you heart tells you that you can't stay then I encourage you to start over but if this marriage is important to you then there are many things you two need to work on. I believe this is painful to you but it isn't your fault.

best wishes,

[faithful]

He is beating himself up right now more than I ever could. He hasn't even gone to the doctors yet for correct diagnosis. He's stuck on the fact he had Molluscum Contagiosa, and wants to wait until that clears a bit. From the pictures I've seen on the net, I'm thinking he may have been misdiagnosed and/or have both going on right now. I'm finding it difficult to talk with him about it, it's almost as if he's in denial. So...I'm alone in this. I can't talk to anyone about it, I'm so ashamed. I have my good days too. I'm sure this week with PMS coming will be a trial. My lebido problems stem from past sexual abuse issues with my pedophilic step father. Yes, I've done the therapy, for many years. This is the unfortunate result I'm left with. I asked my husband how he would cope if I could never be intimate with him again. That may very well end up being the frosting on this lovely cupcake. Perhaps it's too soon to know. I can't imagine this situation IMPROVING my lebido though. I guess time will tell. All the scary things I read about not being intimate right before you show signs, during your outbreak and even during the assymptomatic shedding times make me feel never safe. How will I ever know if my husband or myself are in any of the above stages? And all the other scary stuff about spreading it to other areas of the body....yikes...how does anyone cope with this??

[WaxedWrong]

well it really doesnt matter if you both have it- its not like your going to be worried about spreading it to him, hes already got it. spreading to other places> easy, dont touch yourself after touching the area you have herpes in.

ie- if you have genital, and happen to touch yourself, dont rub your eyes. really its simple.

[Caliope]

Faithful- I'm sorry that you have been so hurt. There are a lot of us "walking wounded" in the world who can relate.

I wouldn't spend much time worrying about the hsv at this point in regards to sexual activity with your husband Waxedwrong is right that if you both already have it you aren't preventing a first infection.

Basic hand washing and general best practice hygiene will prevent you spreading the hsv. If neither of you have active ob's the chances of spreading it are even slimmer.

This may sound really cruel but he needs to accept responsibility for his own behavior and go see a dr. no matter what you do or don't do he made some choices and they have hurt not only him but you too and now it's time for him to pay the piper. And I rather doubt he's beating himself up as much as you think it sounds more like a pity party and he's feeling sorry for himself because this will make it much more difficult for him to have his cake and eat it too without infecting other women. Just because someone in your childhood treated you badly gives your husband no excuse to go ahead and do the same.

[faithful]

yeah, I know. It doesn't sound cruel. Kinda pisses me off actually. And I probably made him seem like a monster...he really does feel bad. And I'm the one that told him he could take on another lover. Just didn't know he'd pick so poorly. Or that he wouldn't tell me until THIS happened. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make this sound like a pitty party for me. I'm sure everyone's story is complicated. Just feels really unfair right now. I'm probably reading too much about it and scaring myself. Thank you both for your support.

[Caliope]

I'm going to get up on my soap box now. scoots a ladder over - climbs up. takes a minute cuz I'm short.

Girl. I want you to quit taking responsibility for this disaster. You did not go out and sleep with someone else and bring an std home to your husband. Oops TWO std's home to your husband. He did this all by himself.

You could have stood on the doorstep with one of those loudspeakers they use at football games and declared to the neighborhood that it was okay if he took a lover but. . . he is the one who did this.

Why on earth would you feel sorry for him? I don't get it. You deserve to be loved and respected and cherished and certainly not to feel responsible for his penis getting into trouble. I guarantee it did not get there by itself.

Personally you should only be thinking and caring about yourself. (For goodness sakes this is the example he's been giving you of how to conduct yourself.) Go buy yourself a new outfit, get the hair and nails done and pamper yourself. Maybe hang out with the girls and see a movie. Definitely don't sit home worrying about him and how he gets himself out of this mess. I also guarantee he's not sitting around worrying about you and what you're going to do about the std's he gave you.

Okay I'll jump down now -

[i'm ok now]

i agree...... the more you sit around feeling sorry for the way he feels, is only going to make you feel 2 inches tall..... my question is the sex drive? you mentioned your past and this having a inpact on your drive to please him (or even yourself i'm sure) feeling sorry for a man, who doesnt care enough to fix the sex drive at home.... (even if its not fixable at the time) is silly.... this was him looking out for him! now it time for you to look out for you! anything with untainted love behind it can be fix (including a sex drive, if effort has sheltered it) maybe it's time to look deeper in to the cupcake, rather then just glancing at the icing. you DO need to use this as a time to pamper yourself, you are still the beautiful person he proposed to.... you just need to enhance that, it sounds as if you stopped looking back at yourself through the mirror. its ok to wave at you every now and again,