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the fallacy of "if they are the one, they will understand" + what the worst symptom


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I dont know about everyones situation, but i think that line is a total crock of shit. at least for those of us in our 20's-30's.

now, before anyone gets upset, i ALWAYS disclose. i haven't had an outbreak in two years, mine is in my pubic area and not even on my genitals, past my hair on the way to my hip, and could even be shingles instead, but really, what is the difference? i tell.

but in my age group, in my city, in my life, you can not find "the one" without having sex with them. no one will stay around for months and years finding out all about the beauty that is you if there is no sex and they could be getting the full package somewhere else.

maybe this is projected from me, because that IS also what I expect from a real loving relationship.

try to push sex off.. one week, two weeks, three weeks, a month.. ok great. but people dont know what they want for the rest of their lives right away. people my age want to try a bit of this or that till they get the one thats "just right" and the risk of sleeping with an infected person means for a lot of people that the rest of their life is shut down. if the two of you arent guaranteed success, then why will they even risk it? is the attitude i am CONSTANTLY met with.

with my infection, its possible to have no contact at all between the site and with any part of her body, but that doesnt matter.

i really feel like i am missing the chance to get to know people well enough for them to even care about me for the long haul. and since they dont care about me, when i tell them, they are gone.

tips? things to say about it? how to break the news? i have tried bringing it up the next date after some light make out. i have been put in the position of telling them in the heat of the moment as they are tearing off my clothes, i have tried dating and staying moderately platonic to let some time pass first, so now i have some great "friends" who never speak to me. i have told people up front right at the beginning. ("you can come over and cuddle whenever you want, but so you know, NO SEX. EVER." is the common response)

i find that the worst symptom of all the symptoms of herpes is the public humiliation. a little itch now and then? some bumps and discomfort? its like poison ivy that i occasionally could get not by going into the woods. wow. who cares?

but because of the public stigma of this disease i am abandoned, ostracized and alone. DIRTY! you can see it in their eyes. A RISK I AM NOT WILLING TO TAKE!

a risk of what? it is not going to kill anyone any time soon.

i dont even know what else to say, its been years, i have been so distraught and easily have lost 5 times the number of potential girlfriends due to this than the number of people willing to "take the risk"

i cant do it any more. i came here wondering if there was some way around telling people, but of course there isnt. that was just some desperate thoughts. but i also have no idea how to proceed any more and have a normal life where i am not alone.

i would ALMOST rather have a few happy weeks with people again and again, dealing with the terrible feeling of not telling them, just so i didnt have to be so alone and out of touch with the world.

i am having some serious weak moments.

i dont know what to feel about people who are so into me, want to be with me, they push the physicality, they make the moves, they call me and want to spend every hour with me, skipping sleep, skipping work, they are the aggressors, wondering why i am spurning their advances, and then when they find out(before any genital contact with any body part) they stop speaking to me.

that one thing negates all of my person. it negates who i am.

an itchy bump that hasnt appeared in two years.

negates who i am.

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There isn't a way around people. My ex boyfriend had it for years, and finally told me when he had an outbreak... Pretty shitty. Honestly, If he would have told me that , I would have walked away.

I have it, I know I do. There's no possible way I couldn't. It sucks. It's emotionally painful.. because you have to tell people before anything happens, and they WILL walk away.. they'll think your disgusting... and blah blah.

Its not your fault. It's not mine. Mistakes happen. It's not that Big of a deal! it's really not, exspecially at your age.. it's not going to kill you.. I don't see why so many people care so much.. Do you take medication??? Because if you do that does reduce the risk of trasmitting it.. and maybe that would make them feel a little more comfortable about taking the risk. Girls are more hard headed than guys, thats probably why your having a hard time... I really like how your honest. Most guys wouldn't be.

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who decides and why?

the infection rate male to female is far higher than female to male. women as a rule have much more to deal with sexually than men when it comes to sexual hygiene, risks and std's. It is also easier for a men because they can slip on a condom. and yes there are female condoms but they aren't as easy to use.

I also think that men are far more likely to go there than a woman based on the information above.

My guy would have walked if we knew I had hsv before we became sexually active but since I found out 2 years into the relationship he only asks that I take as many precautions as I can which means taking daily suppressive therapy, taking care of myself physically by healthy lifestyle choices such as vitamin supplements, exercise and avoiding alcohol. He refuses to use condoms and I accept that he's okay with the remaining risk. Our sexuality is important to our relationship so we're willing to go the extra mile to work this out.

I still believe if someone is really in love with you there are ways to work out the logistics of hsv. There are people on this site that have been successful in love even though they knew going in that the hsv would complicate matters and yes they do find partners who are neg for hsv.

Perhaps hsv is a reason to work on your character and personal issues because a healthy, well rounded individual who has a good head on their shoulders and isn't only looking for a sexual partner can be a great catch even if you must deal with hsv. Heck it could be something like cancer and no they aren't the same but I'd consider a long term relationship with someone with hsv before someone with a terminal disease because it's easier on the heart. and I'm not implying you have problems with your character - as we all can work on being better people as a whole. These are all personal choices we make every day.

Why do you find yourself attracted to people? What makes you overlook some and pursue others? Is it completely shallow or are you looking for other personal attributes and what would be a deal breaker?

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im in my 20's, and when i got into my relationship, i didnt fuck my bf the first night, or the first week, hell i didnt even kiss him until a month in.

just cause your in your 20s doesnt mean you have to fuck someone early to decide if you want to be in a relationship. and when you find that right one, THATS EXACTLY how you will feel. there is no pressure

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To the original poster (could you not have used a different username - I can't call you 'herpes'!!).

Personally it would have been far harder for me to have dealt with this when I was younger than it is now, so I agree with you there, but there are also a lot of examples on here where people have formed relationships with non-effected partners.

But without getting into the ins and outs of what you say in your post, your post concerns me becasue of how hopeless you sound. Hopelessness is related to suicidal thoughts. These have been discussed on here before and seem to have been experienced by many people who come on here. I don't know if you have experienced these kinds of thoughts, but have you got someone to talk to? They can't 'slove the problem', that's true, but you maybe need some support right now. And have you ever considered helplines? Maybe those which deal with herpes, but what about the Samaritans or Mentla Health Matters (if you're in the UK). Just look after yourself, and make use of the support that's out there.

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The thing is, you are not alone. And there's no way around telling people, you are doing the right thing in being upfront and honest. And there are people out there that appreciate that. However it's also like a double edged sword; you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. But I have to believe there are some people out there who will be able to work around the situation. Finding them is another story. I've been struggling a lot with this myself, this is my second STD, first being HPV. And I was able to have a few relationships despite that. However now that I have HSV (recently diagnosed) I do share your feelings of hopelessness. I have come to the point where yes, this really sucks but I can't let it define my life. While it certainly changed my life and is part of who I am now, I have to believe that I won't be alone, although it can feel like it.

It does sound like a crock of shit sometimes. I walk my city, everyone flaunting in their glory - and wonder, how many people are afflicted? Or worse yet, how many people don't even know they have it? I'm going off topic here but basically I'm trying to say don't lose hope. It's all we really have.

What I know so far from all of this is that having any kind of STD is like te ultimate litmus test, no need to waste your time with people who can't see past that. You haven't come across anyone worthy of you yet. That's all there is to it. Be patient and keep yourself healthy and work on your beauty from the inside out. Then I think you will be able to find someone who can see that. I hope I can find that too.

Life's too short for this bullshit. Enjoy it while you can and don't force it - it will happen in it's own time. As crappy as this sounds, things happens for reasons and this is a setback. Figure out how you're going to move forward and the pieces will fall into place. That's just the way it goes.

Best of luck to you.

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im 25...

told my partner after two weeks, she was fine about it and we carried on as normal

slept together after a month.

maybe im just a lucky one, but when i tell possible partners, i dont sit there with my head down and mutter it, i stand there tall and proud

(im not proud of having HSV, but im proud of myself for being honest enuff to disclose it)

and tell them, as giving off body language to suggest your a leper will make you look like one in my opinion.

if they dont want to see me anymore fine, i dont blame em, but its there loss as i know im a great bloke, i just made a mistake afew years ago..

ive not had a rejection yet from girls ive told about it, and i do think its becuase i dont give off the impression im radioactive or sumthing.

dont get me wrong, i dont sugar coat it either.

ive always been a confident person, and usually get the girls i want, STD or no STD.

HOWEVER, i must admit, if tht wasnt the case, and i got rejected a few times, id prbos go onto STD dating sites or sumfim.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

It seems to me that many of the people that have responded to your post are saying exactly what you know is not applicable to you and your life situation. I am also in that 30's age group, and let me tell you, it is not that easy people! Perhaps people of an older or younger generation have an idealized approach to the whole thing, but I am here to tell you that many in my (our to the original poster) age group have a very different approach to sex. It is a deal breaker for STARTING a relationship.

Prior to being infected with HSV1 in my genital region from my partner (she had cold sores, you would think as lesbians, one or the other of us would have known that it can transfer, but it is a sad fact that many of us do NOT know that), I would have NEVER EVER EVER considered having a sexual relationship with someone that told me they were infected! Shallow? Perhaps, but why would I have wanted to take the risk when there was a good possibility that that person was NOT going to be in my life for the duration?

So now after three years with my partner, we are recently seperated. She never contracted them in her genital region, and we had unprotected sex for the duration of the relationship. I find myself in the situation of addressing what do I tell people, and when, for the first time.

I feel your despair, and it has nothing to do with thoughts of suicide, or anything that dramatic in nature, but it is flipping hard to know that you are the complete package, with one little exception, that even I wouldn't have overlooked in the past. Why would I expect that someone else would?

It does boil down to a serious esteem issue, a sexual esteem issue, which is a core part of my being, and although it does not define me, it does complete me.

I applaud you for being so forthright and considerate with your potential partners. But that does not ease the sting from anticipating the response and feeling damn shitty about it when it happens.

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I don't think any herpes carrier declares it for the same reason mentioned by guestmarybeth89. I think they just figure they have it under control and if there is an outbreak they will find means of covering or just stay away.

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quoting ferla: "Prior to being infected with HSV1 in my genital region from my partner (she had cold sores, you would think as lesbians, one or the other of us would have known that it can transfer, but it is a sad fact that many of us do NOT know that), I would have NEVER EVER EVER considered having a sexual relationship with someone that told me they were infected! Shallow? Perhaps, but why would I have wanted to take the risk when there was a good possibility that that person was NOT going to be in my life for the duration?"

my thoughts EXACTLY. I have the same thing you do and before I got it I would have been TOTALLY freaked out if someone told me they had herpes. (Thankfully, since contracting, I've actually educated myself about this and all std's and would never do that now...but still)

When I've talked to my friends about it, they always are supportive and say "not EVERYONE will care that you have herpes. there are plenty of guys who that won't matter to." then I promptly ask them "what if someone you were dating told you they had herpes? what would YOU do."

they tend to not have an answer....

iiiiiinteresting, i think.

Then you've got my doctor, who after telling me I had hsv1, as I was bawling my eyes out, said "Don't worry though, when you find the right guy who loves you, he will understand."

Uhhhhhh I want to have a normal sex life, not wait around for my "one true love"...i mean, as nice as that sounds...honestly i'd like to have a few in between thanks

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Honestly I would of ran if someone told me they had herpes. I rememeber looking at a girl in disgused when I found out she had herpes. The girl that my dad had an affair with had herpes and evertytime I was mad at her I would throw it in her face. To me the only people that had herpes where people that slept around or people that didnt take care of themselves.

After reading all these messages and after being raped and knowing what it feels like having herpes. I wish I would of talked to that girl that I looked at in disgused and found out the "why" in her life. Who was I to jugde these people that I didnt even know. Now I know exaclty what they are feeling like. I almost killed myself I wanted to die. What point was there to live if I couldnt have a husband or a family. Who was going to be my friend. how can I live with worrying about everything I touch. Worrying if I my immune system was going to be down the day I have an important meeting.

I must be honest though, to me it is just so hard to except that so many people have this virus. Why? After reading about what this virus is and does I just want to scream "how the hell did this start!, who gave this virus the ok to start!! I am a devoted christian and it would be stupid to ask God why cause then i would have to ask about cancer, aids, ect. Its just hard to know and truley believe that He has all the power in the world and still these virus's and disease's keep taking lives everyday.

It dosent matter if you are gay, straight, bi, or whatever. No one should ever have to go through these feelings. I dont know everyones stories of how they got infected but no one is perfect. everyone makes mistakes.

Now that I have been infected my outlook on life has changed. I am not as jugementel, and I dont just live for myself. I was the typical valley girl that lived for fashion and would do anything to meet that perfect guy. By my ways I got myself in a bad situation that i couldnt get out of. So much you have no idea how much I regret that night, if I would of just made one move different it would of never happened. But then I think would my life of just gone on the same? I know I would of never made it if it did or something worse would of happend. But in the same sence it is so hard for me to thank God that this happend. I still do and I mean every word of my thankfulness.

Now if I wasnt infected and I met the one that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Then him telling me he had aids, herpes, cancer, whatever I would be with him with out even thinking twice. We all have to understand the person we fall in love with might not be that same person ten years from now. They might get in a car accident and be paralized, loose there legs, brain damaged. Are you just going to walk away cause it is hard? What if they couldnt have sex for the rest of there lives, would you walk away?

We all have a little bit of shallowness in all of us. But from now on whatever you are faced with put your self in there shoes and ask yourself how would you want to be treated in that situation. If you dont know there situation or why they are like the way they are......Then ask, it may surprise you and teach you some things.

God Bless


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Dolce - not everyone believes in God and I can respect that. I happen to believe myself and came to the realization that many of us are living in a fantasy world that refuses to acknowlege what being truly human is.

I believe we are created to adapt and react to just about anything. Our bodies are magnificently designed to take what comes at us and to adjust, create antibodies, change our blood pressure you name it. We are also made to adapt to changes in temperature, excess of food, lack of water, . . . it goes on and on. We also are equipped with a variety of emotions not just happy or sad but angry, scared, confused, etc. The God that created us created everything around us - plants, animals, viruses, weather and the planet itself. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant for man to believe that he should be the only one to survive, and he should only be happy and he should always be fed and clothed and taken care of at the expense of the rest of creation? That doesn't make sense to me. It goes against everything that would be about a creator. Wouldn't that creator want to see his creations experience all that he created? wouldn't our creator want us to experience all that is human? Isn't that what to glorify our creator is really about?

Sometime things happen that we don't like or we can't make sense of but it is for our creator to enjoy all of his creations in their capacity to be all that they were created to be. This is the entire experience and not just the parts we consider to be pleasant.

Our job, I believe, is to do what we were created to do and that is to adjust, to change, to survive to live another day and to appreciate all that was created around us.

Not everyone is looking for the "one" some people are looking for the "now" and as much as that is not my personal choice I have to respect that someone else might be looking for that.

Hsv has taught me that I am more than my flesh and the people who love me are extraordinary and I am fortunate to have them.

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    • CHT
      Hello "FeelingLost".... your fears and concerns are understandable but, nothing you've described regarding the sexual encounter would cause you to contract herpes.... further, your symptoms are not herpes related.  Best of all, your doctor is correct, your results don't show any herpes here.  You can relax.... definitely have your GP take a look at things and see what might be causing the symptoms but, again, none of them are typical herpes related.  I wish you the best in terms of talking to your wife about this encounter.... hopefully she will understand and you both can work through this amicably.  We all make mistakes.... be careful not to beat yourself up too hard over this.... you can become so racked with guilt that you start imagining physical symptoms.  Best of luck.... and take care..... come back to the site if you have questions.
    • FeelingLost75
      Hi (I’m really scared and feel really disappointed in myself and worried about my future), I had oral sex with a condom almost 3 weeks ago and a massage parlor. I also received a hand job at the same time prior to putting a condom on, also may have rubbed my penis on her back a little. Did not touch her genitals I don’t recall any sores on her back. After the event she handed me a pice of TP and after I took off the condom I wiped my penis head to clear away the excess ejaculation…this is where I suspect I got infected, she had just gone pee and wiped and maybe touched a sore or something and then I got it on my penis from the tp? Idk. I’m just flailing.   After this I’ve had discomfort on the skin below the head of my penis and 4 bumps for 2 weeks now, the bumps don’t seem to have changed in size. I also had frequent urination for about a week and have had dull pain in my groin on and off. I also have some pins and needles on the sides of my abdomen/trunk that get worse when I go out in the heat or get dehydrated. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping, likely due to guilt and shame and worry about the future.   so I got one test done at 10 days from the event (idk know if this can tell me anything… the doctor assured me it was 100% correct and I don’t have herpes. I was not physically examined). I got a full panel std. neg for everything. HSV-1 results: IgG 0.3 / HSV-2 IgG 0.9 hsv-1 IgM = 2.2 hsv-2 IgM = 3.0 (Reference V. Negative: Less than 9.0 Borderline: 9.0 to 11.0 Positive: Greater than 11.0) I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday, hoping he can help. Will likely go to a std testing service tomorrow to see if I can get in an antiviral proactively. Plan to get tested again this week.    
    • TS4real
    • FeelingLost75
      How are you doing now?
    • TS4real
      May 13 ( day I will never forget).. a guy I was dating and I drank way to much and decided to have anal sex. We did use protection however, not enough lube, wasn’t done correctly and it was painful. So bad that I yelled out and fell off the bed. Anyway, oral was also performed on me anal and vaginal. Flash forward to 3-4 days after that. I was in the most intense pain I had ever felt. I went to a gyn she tool one look and said it looks like herpes. She swabbed me . 2 days after that, yes it’s HSV1 . I was still in pain, irritated anal area and vaginal area and It was unbearable.  today, I still have irritation and itchy and when I pass a bowel i’m in pain and the itch is crazy.     When I first was diagnoses the gyn gave me valtrex which I did not take bc I was in so much pain I could not move for 2 days.  Groin lymphs were swollen I had fever , tired etc.  I am wondering if I had taken the valtrex would it have kinda liked stopped the virus in it’s tracks enough to reproduce? Do people see a correlation between no more outbreaks and immediate initial valtrex  use ? I am 43, I never thought this wound happen as I am not a promiscuous person, I hardly date and I always use protection when I do have intercouse , have yearly std tests. I’m just so sad that i’m at this point right now . I’m trying not to get depressed but this is making my body feel miserable. I’m an avid runner and biker and mom of two teens. I feel like my life as I knew is over. I want to feel better already.
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