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how do we get past the blame game?


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I just found out I have HSV-1 genitally. My boyfriend has not got tested yet since I found out. He was tested months ago just before we started dating and it was Negative (it was a blood test but i dont know if it was IgG or IgM or how accurate or if they tested for both 1 and 2) but anyway, he is sure he was negative before me. A month after having sex (oral included) with me for the first time he got a cold sore around his mouth. He didnt get tested then because he didnt know it was the same thing. I never had an outbreak until just 2 weeks ago. now i am positive for HSV-1 after having a genital outbreak.

I have only slept with 2 people before him. one was my first boyfriend i dated for 7 years, we lost our virginity together so my current boyfriend and i assume it wasnt from him. the 2nd was a drunk mistake with a man who is know for sleeping around (who is someone that my bf absolutly hates and cant understand why i slept with him and hates the fact that i did and cant understand why I would put myself in the situation where I would surely catch something and then not ever get tested for it. etc.) So my boyfriend assumes it was him that gave it to me. now how do i deal with living with herpes for the rest of my life when every time it comes up in our relationship it will always remind us of that one time i slept with that one person? How can I bring up other possibilities of where it came from without sounding like I'm blaming my boyfriend? I trust him completely I know he doesn't cheat on me, but how can I ask him exactly what blood test he had done without accusing him? I know if i asked him that he would counter with "why didnt you get tested after sleeping with such a dirty nasty person"

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your positive he had a HERPES test before you? and not just the standard std test?

you can have alot of neg's with blood test, if you wait to long inbetween testing after a outbreak (me it took 8 months and 4 test before i got a postitive result if i trusted my first test, well id be dumb)

so now- ""A month after having sex (oral included) with me for the first time he got a cold sore around his mouth. He didnt get tested then because he didnt know it was the same thing. "" makes me think that he has had cold sores before, but didnt know they are herpes (alot of people think that way to)

you should DEF get him tested asap, and find out if he has ever had a coldsore before this one.

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id ask him to see the results of his test previously and if he really actually had one done and has no reason to withold info...I wouldnt be pushy or rude about it but just explain you really want to understand how you get this so you have to look at all possibilities to give you some answers. Then he would definitely show you to make you feel more comfortable and be better reassured if he truly cares about you and this relationship. Its sounds like he has had cold sores before, or when he was younger, never knew they were herpes, then bam! you get diagnosed HSV1 genitally and he cant even accept that he prob. gave it to you. Or just thought it wasnt possible esp. when a cold sore isnt present. Either way, a person equally concerned with this would show you his record of having a blood test done. More than likely he didnt or he wouldnt mind showing you. Also, if he did have any testing it was prob. for "ALL stds" which does not test for herpes and he prob. wasnt (still might not be) aware that herpes testing was never included. Its a tough subject but if he had nothing to hide and isnt lying then he'd show you the test and not just keep trying so hard to say it was the other guy....that is pathetic. you should not have to think of that other guy for the rest of your life because theres a HUGE chance you didnt get genital hsv1 from him. If he really isnt lying about anything then he would be willing to show you his results, now if there are no results to show then that is why he cant show you and keeps throwing in your face "why didnt you get tested after sleeping with that guy" ya know? hope you get to the bottom of things. If he did give it to you and you finally find that out then there is no reason to hold it against him (unless it was on purpose then it might be a different story) but i think it is unfair for him to keep blaming you......honestly, that tells you something right there. If you didnt get tested after that guy then you didnt and have no test to help get to the bottom of things, but he supposedly had a test and that would help you to get to the bottom of things but he is reluctant to even show these "mysterious blood results" so i would not be so quick to accept blame for this....it sounds like he is being really juvenile. sorry you are going through this. Hope it gets better and he grows up about it and levels with you....by showing you the test result or telling the truth if there isnt one that included blood for herpes.

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  • 4 years later...

If there is a wrong or sad situation in your past and its having you a strong guilt on you that you can not forget it. Then there is a only solution of it. First of all try to forgive you and other person of the game so that you can think ahead in your life.

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